SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. This is my first post. I'm not sure if I technically have "found out" yet or not. Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong spot.

My husband had the day off on 1/22 and when I came home from work, the sheets were in the wash, his wedding ring was off next to the tub which was suddenly sparkling clean, and then I discovered a used condom in the bathroom trash. I confronted him the next day and he claimed he used it to masturbate in the tub and was adamant that he wasn't a cheater. He was deeply ashamed and guilty though. He showed complete understanding to all of my feelings and said he'd do ANYthing to win back my trust (although this week he's getting impatient with my requests). He had said he felt like he hit "rock bottom" and was "losing his soul" and that this was a "wake-up call" to drop his porno/masturbation habit, that he "can't keep doing it and thinking he could get away with it." I strongly feel like he was lying, though all of this is deeply out of character for him. This also seems like a really strong reaction to (and odd words for) being caught masturbating (when we've discussed it before even).

I decided to send the condom to a lab to have it tested for additional DNA and am awaiting the results. I'm wondering if anyone here has ever done this and what was your experience/outcome? Feeling lost and confused. Thank you.

[This message edited by pollux31 at 11:44 AM, February 2nd (Friday)]

Guys don’t scrub down the bathtub after a JO session. Unless he’s Mr. Clean.

What you’re doing is equivalent to a polygraph test (good in my book). Before you open the results, sit him down and tell him what you did and he has one last opportunity to come clean.

Thanks for the advice, BBBD. He claimed he went to the gym (worked out for 2 hours) and came home, watched some tv/ate lunch and then hopped in the tub, and that it was absolutely filthy. He's a little bit Mr. Clean, so that by itself and even the sheets didn't tip me off.

I also told him about the lab two nights ago and at first, he was positive about it, said he was glad (he had just finished preaching to me about how he still stood by his story, that no one was there and that he wasn't a cheater and never had been, so I said that science should be on his side then.) The next minute, he said his heart was pounding, and pondered "what if some trace amount got on there somehow? Like was blowing in the wind?" which I called him out on how ridiculous that was (he is a scientist, for gosh sake). Soooo, yeah, not looking good. On pins and needles for those results D:

Why was the wedding ring off - because he cleaned the tub?

How convenient. Not sure what to believe in this situation.

Do you have any other proof or evidence of an A?

The condom is a bit odd no?

But I guess if I want to spook my H I now know how. Sheets in the washer often. He probably won’t even notice lol.

Heart pounding?

There's your answer.

Pollux, no direct experience. I recommend you do more investigating. Even if the test comes back showing only his DNA, there are a few read flags there. He was explaining away the results even before they are known. Play the results after you get them like you are bluffing in a card game: "I got the results today. Now is the time for you to be honest and come clean. It is the only way we can possibly come back from this."

Lots of red flags.

Can you check his phone and credit card statements?

Get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car.

You seem like a very determined lady. Have you thought about what will you do if they find DNA from a female on the condom?

There was a thread about "masturbating using a condom" some time ago - someone asked our male members to comment about whether this was really a thing. Almost all of them laughed and said no way, and plenty of us betrayed had been told the missing condom from the pack in the glove box/suitcase/briefcase/nightstand was for that purpose.

The math didn't really work out. Either that or only cheaters use condoms for masturbation.

Thank you all for the feedback and validation.

He has taken his wedding ring off to JO before, so when I saw it by the tub and toilet, I assumed that was the case. I have found no other evidence of an A. I have combed his email, work phone, personal phone, wallet, bank account, everything (and this before I confronted him). There are some suspicious items that I am collecting and intend to ask him about, but nothing outright revealing that couldn't be easily justified. He's not a detail oriented person, so the one thing I could think is that he has a secret phone or texting program.

I am very determined and I will get my answers one way or another. It's all about how he handles everything and if he can be honest and put effort into changing. If he can do that, I am open to the option of reconciling, but only time will tell.

SilverStar - I did see that article. That's how I learned about this site. Before I even talked to him, I googled if it was even "a thing" as I suspected that might be his story (and I had already thought he had JO'd from the ring being in the bathroom.) That post helped me have courage to confront him and not accept it as an excuse. I grilled him hard but he didn't back down. I told him I still didn't believe him and never could, and that's when I involved the lab.

[This message edited by pollux31 at 6:40 PM, February 2nd (Friday)]

Every man I have ever known has had an aversion to condoms. I don't know ANYONE who would choose to masturbate into one. That is some ballsy bull right there. Nope... That's what tissues are for.

On the bright side, your husband is at least using condoms. That's a plus around here.

GPS his car.

How do I do that? i can Google it, but do you have any tips or good resources?

[This message edited by pollux31 at 12:04 AM, February 3rd (Saturday)]

So he jerks off in the tub but washes the sheets on your bed? That doesn't make sense at all.

He had said he felt like he hit "rock bottom" and was "losing his soul" and that this was a "wake-up call" to drop his porno/masturbation habit, that he "can't keep doing it and thinking he could get away with it."

Ahhh yes, the old "I'm a porn addict!' excuse. You see that excuse an awful lot these days - guys claiming to be porn addicts or sex addicts when they're caught with their pants down. It's the new 'get out of jail free' card for cheating men so I'm not surprised at all that he threw that against the wall to see if it would stick.

So what is he DOING to deal with this horrible addiction that he has so conveniently 'self diagnosed' and which has plagued him for years and taken away his very soul? Has he gone to a CSAT for a qualified diagnosis and is now in treatment? I'm betting not. Like you, I don't believe a word of that utter nonsense.

Since finding a used condom in the garbage is NOT standard procedure for his 'JO sessions,' is it a mystery where this condom came from, or do you have them in the house for birth control purposes? If you don't have them in the house, then that would mean he actually had to stop at a store and buy them - just to jerk off into one.

I do want to point out that you're not always going to find texts and calls and credit card charges for dinners and gifts, although of course these things DO have to be checked when you're in info gathering mode. I'm just trying to say that not all cheaters leave a paper trail if they're just looking for a one-time hit and run. For some cheaters, maybe they have a flirtation with someone at work or someone who works at the deli counter where they get lunch. They get chummy and the next thing you know, they're planning to 'get together' on his day off or when the wife is out of town. There are also many people who troll Craigslist for example, looking for anonymous encounters. It's free to place an ad looking for sex and it's free to answer other people's ads as well. If you use a private browsing window to access the site and have a secret email address tied to your Craigslist account, you're golden. There's no browser history of Craigslist or save user logins to web-based email accounts - there's nothing.

Very easy to do on one's cell phone - it doesn't leave a trace in his browser, and it doesn't leave a trace on your cell phone bill because it's all done over WiFi. A lot of them use KiK or SnapChat (and other WiFi apps) to c9ommunicate, not the calling and texting features on their phone.

I'm not saying this happened, I'm just saying the absence of evidence in credit card statements or on your phone records etc. isn't a guarantee of anything. And your strongest ally is your GUT and it's obviously screaming to you.

Good luck to you.

NoMercy, you are so right. We do have condoms on hand, but use them rarely (usually when i know i'm in my fertile window for natural planning). There have been 4 condoms in his side draw forever, and lo and behold, now there's only 3.

Since I first posted, I was able to dig through his phone and look up ALL his activity for that day. He did go to the gym for 2 hours as he had claimed. He accessed YouTube 3 times between 130p and 330p (about once an hour). The last time he pulled it up (330), he used Soundhound at the same time to identify some nasty song ideal for screwing and then added it to his Apple Music account. After 430, it showed normal phone usage. He texted and chatted with a good buddy (who just had a baby) about 20 mins later.

This doesn't really tell me if someone was definitely with him or not, but I can see it going either way now. What do you guys think?

I'm going to ask him to recount the details to me again and see if his story has changed any since the first time as well as how well it matches up to his phone usage.

[This message edited by pollux31 at 5:35 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

That's some excellent work there Pollux. What you wrote in your last paragraph is right on for your next steps. I would say that you should not reveal all that you know or how you obtained it. You could drop a breadcrumb to see what you get from him. Your info should drive your questions w/o revealing what you know. For example, "What did you do that afternoon?"

What you found doesn't rule in, or rule out, someone else being there.

OK, from a guys perspective, you do not need an official medical diagnosis to know you have a porn addiction or at the very least a porn problem. To JO into a condom is not all that freaky, probably just all part of the fantasy. The reaction to the lab submission however is a little odd. The porn addiction does beg the question - why? How is the status of your marriage? How is the frequency of your intimacy? You both do seem to have a lot to work on.

Just a thought, are you sure there was nothing already in the trash with your dna on it? Because he is going to use that as an excuse next. unless you sent a sample of your own dna for them to test against.

When will you get the results?

[This message edited by Lifeexploded at 7:43 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

Don't necessarily rely on the results from searching his phone. Burner phones are cheap.

I agree with Midnight.

I found my XWH's burner in the spare tire area in the trunk of his car.