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T minus 55 hours. To all those who are saying file for D and get the F out, thank you! I acknowledge you are logically correct. I have packed my bug out bag in my car with a set of work and casual clothes, toiletries and a bank card with $500 of my mother’s money on it (thanks mom!). However, I have decided to stay and attempt cohabitation with whatever comes home from Sydney. I believe it to be best for my kids.

My lawyer suggested by changing plans and going to Sydney as well as not answering my questions about child care plans, she was exerting control. This is funny because I think I have been the least controlling husband in all of history.

He also said:

-filing is just a formality and it does not matter who files. If you feel better by filing, then do it. it does not mean much in the long run.

-I don’t advocate for you two living together if she is going to be abusive, let me clarify, stay together in the house, with set boundaries and expectations if you want to see how it goes. It is less tension than filing and then trying to work things out. That can be viewed as a mixed message.

-You two need a neutral to have that discussion, otherwise it will likely be as you fear, a long dissertation on why what she did was necessary and your fault.

-Try to stay on message about the need for boundaries and clear expectations upon her re-entry into the house. ignoring it is her way of taking control.

So with that said, anyone have suggestions for realistic boundaries?

Not sure if this has been suggested, but what about having a conversation about how an in-house separation would work - in a counselor's office?

If you think it's a good idea, set it up for Monday so she can't complain about jet lag. If she works next week, set it for Monday evening. Ideally you would see the counselor by yourself first so you can apprise him/her of the backstory, your concerns of confrontation and your agenda: boundaries for in-house separation.

In the meantime, I would tell her that all discussions until that point are limited to childcare and finances. Anything that can wait until next week will wait until then. Perhaps even let her know you have a VAR on you at all times as that could temper her reactions to you if she knows she's being recorded. I wouldn't tell her about the VAR right away, though! It would be good to get any spontaneous outbursts or candid comments when she walks in the door.

Don't tell her about your "go bag" either, or she will be tempted to push you out with conflict. Only use that as a last resort if the home situation becomes toxic for you and/or the kids.

Hope some of that was helpful.

All my best.

[This message edited by findingjoy at 2:55 PM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

I only have the ones I PM’d you a week ago.

You cannot R with anyone who is not completely remorseful for her actions. If she doesn’t feel the pain she has caused you and expresses it then it’s a waste of time trying.

Amazing that she never decided to cut short her trip Even one minute. To me that shows no Remorse right there.

Does the OM you know about have a spouse himself?

No way in hell would I give up the bedroom. She can sleep on the couch. Put a lock on the bedroom door.

Yes, this right here!

Also, I’m not sure I’d bother with a bugout bag for myself...for her, yes, and tell her to leave.

But do NOT let her back in your bedroom...you may need to remove and box her stuff up from the bedroom.

I was wondering why you have not exposed the affair to her family yet? Expose the truth but in a kind way letting them know that she will need their support in the upcoming weeks, ask if she can stay there, that she has been making suicidal comments, have they see what she has written about the kids?

If the lawyer has told you not to that's fine. I was just thinking it might give her a place to go and you could remain in the house. Once she is home it's going to be hard getting your version to her family. She will probably go with the story she told the friend in NZ. Did the lawyer tell you not to expose to family and/or friends or are you still hoping she will have a reasonable exclamation for her behavior? Did you feel relieved after telling NZ friend or did it make you more anxious?

Some ideas for boundries....

1) do Not discuss your relationship with WW, till she has been in IC and has given you a full written explanation of her A beginning to end.

2) only discuss matters pertaining to the children and the D. This is where the 180 is valuable.

3) lock her out of the bedroom. It's the marriage bed. She left it voluntarily to find joy in someone else. Use the 180 approach of I'm sorry you feel that way. She can sleep on couch or buy a single mattress. If you D, your going to need beds for the kids anyway. Til then she can store the mattress behind the couch each day. If she by some miracle realizes what's she has done and has done step 1, maybe with further points can gain reentry into the martial bedroom.

If she doesn't like this approach.... sorry you feel that way. You can always stay with your family or a friend.

4) You agree to both be there for the kids. Do NOT continue to bring this up. Document every thing she misses n each negative comment she makes about the kids on social media for the D and custody hearing. Hopefully she wakes up and starts putting the kids as a priority. It's up the her. You are not responsible for her behavior.

5) if you have not exposed her to her family or friends yet. Wait. You have damming evidence against her. Tell her you will not expose her if you get a better deal in the separation. Once D is final, let everyone know the truth. If she doesn't go for this expose her. A ALWAYS FLOURISH IN SECRECY.

Sure others can come up with more. Good luck Anon.

Sorry for any typos

Some ideas for boundries....

1) do Not discuss your relationship with WW, till she has been in IC and has given you a full written explanation of her A beginning to end.

2) only discuss matters pertaining to the children and the D. This is where the 180 is valuable.

3) lock her out of the bedroom. It's the marriage bed. She left it voluntarily to find joy in someone else. Use the 180 approach of I'm sorry you feel that way. She can sleep on couch or buy a single mattress. If you D, your going to need beds for the kids anyway. Til then she can store the mattress behind the couch each day. If she by some miracle realizes what's she has done and has done step 1, maybe with further points can gain reentry into the martial bedroom.

If she doesn't like this approach.... sorry you feel that way. You can always stay with your family or a friend.

4) You agree to both be there for the kids. Do NOT continue to bring this up. Document every thing she misses n each negative comment she makes about the kids on social media for the D and custody hearing. Hopefully she wakes up and starts putting the kids as a priority. It's up the her. You are not responsible for her behavior.

5) if you have not exposed her to her family or friends yet. Wait. You have damming evidence against her. Tell her you will not expose her if you get a better deal in the separation. Once D is final, let everyone know the truth. If she doesn't go for this expose her. A ALWAYS FLOURISH IN SECRECY.

Sure others can come up with more. Good luck Anon.

Sorry for any typos

Just an observation, I may totally be wrong but...

I don't think you are angry enough to cohabitate with her and not emotionally cave to her manipulations. As I said, I may be wrong. But you are kind, loving and somewhat passive. She knows this and will try to lure you into sex, she will cry and beg forgiveness and tell you she's sorry. Love bombing will happen too. She will want to hang on to her money source. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I do not mean to add to your pain...I just see it being really hard for you to live with her and do a hard 180.

She is not remorseful. It is possible that could happen in the future, but I doubt it. A woman that treats her children as badly as you say she does....I have little hope for her.

Not that you need to hear this, but your lawyer's advice is very sound. Filing is just a formality and being first to the courthouse doesn't matter.

My guess is that she is going to mostly try and pretend like the affair never happened. Her actions betray a confidence in her that she will get her way. She probably expects one long conversation, a troubled week or two, and then things will get back to normal.

Confirm with your lawyer, but in some states there is an advantage to not leaving the home. If that is the case than some boundaries would include defined sleeping and eating arrangements. You may want to agree to only discuss marital issues in front of a marriage counselor.

One thing I would say: don't be scared of her. Be cautious and measured certainly. But do no fear her - her days of controlling you are ending.

OK, so maybe I’m crazy here but I think the long talk that she wants to have when she gets home Is going to be the I love you but not in love with you speech. It’s all going to be about how she’s in love with the other Man and can’t live without him and she is so sorry that it had to come to this.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 7:50 PM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

In that case Anon’s answer should be ‘good, do you need help buying your plane ticket back? I’m a nice guy, let’s go halfsies’

Anon,

You should value yourself enough to get out of this ASAP

important documents in the car and off campus ?

Divorce papers prepared ?

Asked your lawyer about leaving the house ?

Asked the lawyer about getting her out of the house ?

VAR ?

More info dude.

Sounds like you are setting yourself up for problems if you don't pay attention to details

You are too nice and too passive. You needed to get control of this quicker. You have 2 days. Get your shit right and take control !!!

I agree with Western. I feel like you're not well enough protected against false allegations and etc. You have no real idea of what she's capable of. You don't know this person. Take really good care.

I think your number one boundary for her to stay in the house is for her to have 100% NO CONTACT with OM.If she violates this, she leaves. If she refuses, let her sleep on the sofa or the floor, and talk to your lawyer about options at that point.

Redsox13 is spot on with what will probably happen. She thinks you will rugsweep this, as long as she's nice and maybe ups the sex for a while. I hope you're strong enough to not let any of that happen.

the problem Rubixed is that he can't force her to sleep there. She can say 'fuck you' and go to bed. He needs a clear exit strategy that she can't control. Alternate bedroom, leave if not damaging divorce wise or just serving her and getting a planned separation pending divorce. After what this woman has done, there's no coming back from this. Anon needs to figure out the best way to protect him and his kids without staying with this crazed, immoral woman who will destroy his life or destroy him so badly that he won't even be a man after she is done with him

Anon,

This

So with that said, anyone have suggestions for realistic boundaries?

Depends on what you mean by this

However, I have decided to stay and attempt cohabitation..

Because this from your atty

let me clarify, stay together in the house, with set boundaries and expectations if you want to see how it goes. It is less tension than filing and then trying to work things out.

sounds as if you are considering waiting to see how it goes upon your W's return before making a decision on what action to take.

The reason you file first.

You chose venue.

You set the dialogue and go first in trial

You protect your assets

You set debt

You can file custody plan

You establish your rights as a father

Your attorney is correct, she is showing you who is in control. Your attorney sees you are already buckling so he figures you more than likely will not file or will drop quickly.

It is ok to talk with her but it needs to be from a position of strength.

No, there is no chance I will have sex with her. That ship sailed when I saw the pics and videos (retinas burned!). I have progressed a lot in my thinking and I’m not the same lovestruck sucker she left 2 weeks ago. I realize I have a specific plan with specific goals. Getting her back for me is not a goal.

Working with her to ensure she is a stable mom (and not someone who will hurt my kids physically or emotionality) is still the only priority. By the time she gets back I will be a happy, well-adjusted guy that doesn’t particularly care about what she been up to except for how her parenting is going. I am makings plans to do things on my own and with my kids when she gets back.

I will be making plans with my attorney to control her spending shortly. My suspicion is that Redsox13 is correct also. She will try to rugsweep, but she will obviously fail. I will not be telling her anything I know, arguing, or asking anything (again except when it pertains to childcare). Due to her double life I don’t think she will sneak around me and file for divorce. That would be embarrassing for her. She will be confused that I don’t file right away. She told our friend she thought I wanted a divorce (manipulation or truth?). If she does file, no big deal. I have a mountain of evidence without all the VARs and hidden cameras I’m putting in our house.

I notice she is posting beautiful pictures on Facebook, and she normally gets 20-30 comments from her family... they are saying nothing. I don’t have to tell them, they have likely already figured it out.

No, there is no chance I will have sex with her. That ship sailed when I saw the pics and videos (retinas burned!). I have progressed a lot in my thinking and I’m not the same lovestruck sucker she left 2 weeks ago. I realize I have a specific plan with specific goals. Getting her back for me is not a goal.

Working with her to ensure she is a stable mom (and not someone who will hurt my kids physically or emotionality) is still the only priority. By the time she gets back I will be a happy, well-adjusted guy that doesn’t particularly care about what she been up to except for how her parenting is going. I am makings plans to do things on my own and with my kids when she gets back.

I am so impressed with your first two paragraphs I am almost beyond words. The hard work you've put into yourself in the last two weeks is really paying off. Good for you.

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:34 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]