SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Very positive update. You have the right attitude and the correct mindset is everything to getting through this crap your WW has dumped on your lives. Strength to you and your children.

I notice she is posting beautiful pictures on Facebook, and she normally gets 20-30 comments from her family... they are saying nothing. I don’t have to tell them, they have likely already figured it out.

I don't understand. Why have you not told them already before she puts a spin on it all. Ok I get that it may not matter in the scheme of things but to me she has manipulated you enough without you allowing her to tell more lies to her family by this passivity.

Sorry if this has already been covered.

You are getting stronger. So good to see. You will need every ounce of that.

I’m curious how her family might have a clue what’s going on? I don’t believe that you have told them?

And who has been providing childcare while you work while she’s been gone? Is that person aware? And able to substantiate her lack of communication for most of her trip?

I think it’s very important that you inform her family. Matter-of-fact, with the main point your concern for your children and how her mental health affects them. If you don’t set the stage, she will control the narrative and I don’t think that benefits you or your children. The clock is ticking. Your time is limited.

ETA: I’m also frankly concerned about the focus on social media. In earlier posts, you wondered if her social network was wondering why you were not “liking” her posts. Now you are basing your interpretation of their opinion by their lack of “liking“ her latest posts. This is real life trauma. You need to have actual communication with her family. Please don’t get caught up in the social media interpretation of your very real life.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 10:04 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]

Whatever she says, whatever she does, you know you are on a good path now. The good path to a better life. You are the redwood in the storm. You're going to endure the storm and still be standing a hundred years later. It does not matter one bit what she says now. You are free.

I do agree with StillStanding1's post. Unless you can provide a good reason, I don't see why you're not communicating with her family. In most cases, there are several important reasons to do this.

It's a hard thing to do, and of course it doesn't mean that they will support you 100% and excoriate their daughter/sister/whatever. But...in the same way that you can't "unsee" the evidence that you've seen, they can't "unhear" the facts that you give them.

It's also possible that once you reach out, they will have more information to give you that you don't know about. It could be helpful to you in that way.

In general, "stakeholders" in your marriage (family, very close friends) should be told what's going on. If you don't give the facts, then they will receive a different version of "the facts." This has nothing to do with gaining a legal advantage in the situation, but for logistics and for your life in general, it's most likely very important that you talk to them before WW does.

You’re on the track Anon.

Just a caution against assumptions:

Assuming what WW will want to say/do. She may want to rugsweep, she may assume you’ll file, but she also might want to leave to NZ permanently, file herself, or god knows what. She’s got a screw loose, so put nothing past her. Be prepared for a curveball. The best way is to have your plan of what you’re going to do no matter what the circumstances are.

Assuming what people know and don’t know. They may know, they may not, the only thing you can control is if you shed light on it. If it were me I would expose to everyone the moment she is in the air: Family, her friends, your support Group and even OM (tell him her real name, that she has no job and is a SAHM that she’s done using your money). Hard to imagine he’d want that baggage. The reason I would do that is to potentially end future trips that would take $ away from your WW’s ability to help support your kids.

Please re read this from kaygem. It is spot on:

Just an observation, I may totally be wrong but...

I don't think you are angry enough to cohabitate with her and not emotionally cave to her manipulations. As I said, I may be wrong. But you are kind, loving and somewhat passive. She knows this and will try to lure you into sex, she will cry and beg forgiveness and tell you she's sorry. Love bombing will happen too. She will want to hang on to her money source. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I do not mean to add to your pain...I just see it being really hard for you to live with her and do a hard 180.

She is not remorseful. It is possible that could happen in the future, but I doubt it. A woman that treats her children as badly as you say she does....I

Reasons for telling her family, though they will eventually support her since she is family.

IT sets a frame work of facts from you telling WW that you know what's going on before the trip and she still left. To not returning early so to avoid said AP. Let her family know that she stole the children college fund account to frolic with AP. To using the suicide excuse for a need to see AP. Let them know that you are caring for the children and their needs since WW can only think of her AP.

The kids will need support from extended family once she returns and behaves irrationally.

^^^^^^ THIS. You need to get in front of this narrative. She is going to need her family to help her get on track to be a good mom. That’s in your kids’ best interest. Don’t do it with spite in your heart. Do it out of concern for your kids’ well-being.

Just read your thread, and I"m glad you've found your spine.

Indeed, you're no longer the love-struck, dazed individual you were two weeks ago.

Stay in control.

Weaklings rarely win.

Hi anon789, just wanted to chime in an send you strength bro. Stay strong and stick to your guns. Let us know how it goes. Been following your posts since the start and have been really happy to see how your stance has strengthened and it sounds like you have a good plan in place.

I don’t see how claiming the bedroom will necessarily work. It might I suppose but only if she agrees. And she doesn’t sound like the type who will agree. My serial cheating very xWW was caught red handed and refused to leave the bedroom. I ended up sleeping in anavailable bedroom (our guest room) down the hall for 5 months until she moved out. What was I going to do! Certainly not get physical of course. So what do you do when your cheating WW is lying in bed and say she’s not moving? If someone has an answer I’d love to hear it - otherwise you may need to go with Plan B.

One thing I did which was absolutely glorious was I wrote into our first court stipulation that we could only communicate via email or text. That way there was a full record and she couldn’t get in my face with nonsense talk. It’s what kept my sanity those 5 months. Just something for your consideration if this goes the cohabitation route...

I have told a couple of her family members, might tell a few more. Honestly, I have both the moral highground here and pictures of sexting. If she decides to tell her family I’m a bad person then I can always SHOW them that she is a bad person. Okay, maybe that would be a bad idea.

Of COURSE you have the moral high ground. I’m just glad to hear that you’ve let some of them know. It is likely going to become very difficult and tense in your home. You and your kids will all need support. If she truly is mentally unstable, she needs someone other than you for support. Like you’ve said, the goal is to be able to co-parent well for your kids’ sake. She needs to be healthy to do that. Her family can get behind her in that regard.

You’re doing very well. Keep up the strength. You are going to be ok. You really are. Just stay strong and as calm as you can.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is an awesome response to utilize. Repeat. Repeat. Nothing you’ve done has made you deserving of what she’s done. You deserve better and you know it. Stay firm in that knowledge. You will be fine.

you did the right thing by exposing to the family before she could lie to them and throw you under the bus.

This was a no-brainer.

Good job.

Now get a solid plan for when she comes back and have papers ready as well as a multitude of gameplans depending on what she does

She is not going to rig sweep. She is currently defying anon and rubbing his nose in it.

She is going to come back and tell him how it is. His inaction is empowering her.

There is no reason for her to file.

[This message edited by LaCroix at 12:51 AM, March 16th (Friday)]

You sound like you care about everyone except... you.

She sounds like a nut job.. and she has you by the balls.

you can arrange a divorce with the kids, people do it all the time.

she'll take you to the grave if you let her.

divorce her, raiser your kids in a divorced home... won't kill them, but staying with her will.

I'm glad that you have told a few family members. You are going to need their support when she gets home. Your house is going to be very tense when you get home. The problem with you leaving the house is that you are going to have to come home sometime and that ... there is confusion about if the kids are safe with her. While your "plan" post sounded much stronger than previous posts I'm worried that your goal is to get to a long term limbo.

Working with her to ensure she is a stable mom (and not someone who will hurt my kids physically or emotionality) is still the only priority. By the time she gets back I will be a happy, well-adjusted guy that doesn’t particularly care about what she been up to except for how her parenting is going.

Is your plan to ignore her trip and get her into IC? This is good if you are doing the 180 and are moving toward divorce. Is the plan to see if she becomes remorseful in IC? The problem is you don't know what WW is going to talk to IC about. Fairly certain it will be about problems with you and the kids and nothing about her cheating and spending $$. I know you are just trying to get through the initial confrontation but I worry that you are trying to rug sweep things also. It seem like you really do not want to divorce your WW. Why is that? Normally its because of the children but you've already been questioning how stable a Mom she is and if she would want them. The other reason would be money but, she seems to be extremely carefree with money as it is... Spending the kids college money on "sanity" trips to NZ.

I know you are going through a lot right now. I just want you to make sure you're long term goal isn't to stay in this tense limbo and hope she doesn't file or cheat again.

Yes, there is indeed a chance of long-term limbo here. However that isn’t my plan. When I first learned she was *probably* cheating 4 months ago it seems I did the 360, which is to say basically the opposite of what I should have done. It is my nature.

Now I *know* she is cheating and saw all he horrible things she did. I am so uninterested in her shit right now. She texted me to say she was in LA and to bring her coat to the airport. I suspect she will enjoy that cab ride and walking without a coat in 15 degree weather.

Today I brought her old phone, a flash drive with screen caps of the affair stuff and nasty texts about the kids, my passport, and my wedding ring to my work where she can’t find them.

I also bought new sheets for my bed (can’t decide if I should burn the old ones which were in her masturbation video) and brought a different old iPhone to the Apple store and recycled it, so there is a receipt showing “her” phone was destroyed.