SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To tell you the truth my biggest fear would be if something happened to me and my wife would be left finding out after I died without any answers and living the rest of her life not knowing the things the BS wants to know and be haunted and tormented for the rest of her life because that type of shit happens. That IMO is just cruel and fucked up. I would never never never take that chance. Ever.

Zug

My previous experience as a BS certainly plays into my decision to stay silent. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of a cheating partner.

Are you sure that is the only reason? Though it is interesting that someone with control issues (not meaning that to be an attack) would want to take control issues away from someone else when it comes to their life. Not meaning that someone that wants control wants control over someone else but as in someone that wants to be in control of their life wouldn't have the understanding that everyone wants control of their own life.

Here the thing about to tell or not to tell.... I had a 15 month A and at one point my H and I filed for D but got back together. I told my H the truth on my A because I first felt like he deserved the truth and I also feared he would of found out later on. Everything we rebuild at that point would of been wasted. I didn’t want to go months or even years of rebuilding our M and then the truth come out. So I told him. It’s not an easy thing to do.

I would start by getting yourself into IC. Fixing your drinking problems and learning better boundaries and coping skills. Learning your whys and fixing yourself. I won’t not say if you don’t tell your H that you would do it again. If a person wants to cheat then they cheat. Regardless if your H knows or not. It’s up to you to make the right choices and know there is never a good reason to cheat. It’s up to you to fix yourself and learn from this. There is always the risk of your H finding out another way that is always harder on them finding out later. Everything from that point will be a lie to him. He will question everything. All I can do is tell you why I told my H and that was because he deserved to know n I had the fear of him finding out later.

Do you think this relationship will survive better him knowing now or wait two years and him finding out then??

Why does everyone feel the need to jump on FF on telling his wife or nip pick on why his not telling? It’s so easy for everyone to say tell your spouse the truth when indeed they were the one that caught oh but wait didn’t tell themselves. It’s not an easy thing to do. No one is walking in his shoes and no one was ever face on telling the truth until they got exposed. It’s just so easy for peopl to jump all over the ones who have not told the truth when they have never done this themselves.

Zugzwang- Did you tell your wife the truth? Or did you wait until she found out another way? What prevent you from not telling her the truth?

I’m already in therapy. Have been for a few months.

I don’t even know what to confess to? I passed out and don’t actually know what all happened. So what if she goes to the OW and asks and she fills in with whatever blanks she wants. That could end very badly for me. I don’t think I need her filling in what I can’t remember or was passed out for. No I don’t drink on the regular basis. So my therapist doesn’t think I have an alcohol issue.

She suspected and dug. I had ended the affair. I told her the truth when she asked. Everyone nit picks IMO that are new here. I know why he hasn't at the time but the reasons to tell the truth haven't changed. I ask questions not to nit pick, but to get him to question himself since he is doing this on his own. Nothing prevented me from telling her I had an affair. Though I did TT and I tell that to everyone that I did and deeply regretted the additional damage it does. So really what is all that different than TT or not telling? Both do horrible damage when found out later long after the actual affair has ended. Questioning him, allows others to dig deep and see that the reasons for not telling are selfish or self serving for most. Especially since he didn't start this thread.

It’s not an easy thing to do.

No body ever said it was or said it should be. It is the right thing. It isn't easy, nothing good ever is. Isn't that what getting out of our wayward, unhealthy, broken mindset is all about? Doing the harder things and to stop taking the easy path. The truthful things. The healthy things. For everyone involved? Regardless if people tell or are found out and have to confess- it still all comes down to the same thing. Telling the truth and living a honest relationship. That is never bad. It can be painful. But, it is never bad. Nor do any of us know how a BS is going to react to the news. The largest majority of BS want to know. The largest majority of BS do get over this and are a Hell of a lot stronger than they are given credit for.

It’s just so easy for peopl to jump all over the ones who have not told the truth when they have never done this themselves.

This is BS. If we have had a Dday, we have all told. Doesn't matter if we were found out, questioned, or confessed on our own and our spouses hadn't a clue. I may be wrong, but I believe his wife did ask him what was wrong and one time when he was being mean to her during his affair.

That could end very badly for me.

He is not telling for a selfish reason. How is that right in any regard? For him moving forward or her?

Who would advocate on here for a wayward to continue to take the easy road? Sorry if it offends you that I encourage people to do the right thing. ff4152 gives me the impression that he knows it is right for her to know. He just doesn't want her to know at the moment because she had/maybe still has a lot on her plate. As time goes on, it seems he has leaned towards never telling because so much time has passed maybe making it seem more that the time passed will influence her to leave?

anxietydepression where you flirting with this woman before the drinking episode? Did you put yourself in a position to be alone with her to begin with? How did you even end up alone with her? Things to ask yourself about how you got here.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 7:29 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)]

Zug

I will respectfully disagree with some of what you said. In my heart, I do not think not telling is wrong. I think telling is selfish unless asked. If my wife were to ever come to me and say I know you cheated, I want to know the details, I would not TT. I have read enough on SI to know that the damage from that is often worse than the A itself.

I will agree that carrying this secret is awful but whose fault is that? If it causes me pain, that’s too bad for me. That doesn’t make me a martyr or someone who is taking one for the team, it’s a consequence of my actions. Perhaps that is me trying to control the outcome but IMO it’s the best course of action to take. My family isn’t at fault for this so why should they pay for my stupidity?

No FF didn’t start this thread. The OP asked who didn’t choose to tell about an A. He made his comment about his situation because his there with that choose right now. He was giving her advise about what she asked but someone always feels the need nip pick at his comments because he didn’t tell or not are not like other WS on here. No his not like other WS in certain areas like knowing the feelings and damage it really causes to their BS or the M. But his not like others who choose to stop on their own and to get help with his bad choices. Like many WS who got caught or their BS was questioning it BUT then choose to stop because they are exposed. I wondering how many WS would always countine to cheat if their BS never found out. A lot would be still in the A if it never come to light. A lot don’t make the choice to stop on their own. FF is very much aware what could happen if his wife found out later on and/or found out another way besides him. He knows all this already. If this happens then he knows. I think everyone has told him what could happen. But people what to keep pounding him for this. FF needs to get to that moment for himself. His made it very clear on his chooses why his not telling. It might have to pay for those choices later on but hey that’s going to be on him not us. Like I said he knows. As far as I am considered at least he was brave enough to stop on his own like many didn’t. As far as him telling or not telling he knows what can happen and we don’t meed to continue to pound him or question this when his made it clear enough over and over again his not going to.

I am not saying it’s right or wrong. I know why I did because it was the right thing for me to do at the time. I felt the fear of my H finding out another way. I did it because I knew it was right. But this was for me and my H. Not everyone is the same. I am sure he lives in fear of his wife finding out but that’s his battle. That’s fear he needs to deal with. He knows the consequences of actions if she ever did find out. We all have warned him. But that’s his battle. Yeah his not like many WS in same areas but his certainly different when it comes to realizing on his own it was wrong and getting help for it. We are different and are on different paths with this.

**POSTING AS A MEMBER**

Godheals,

I guess it comes down to how much you value authenticity. By ff4152's words he seems to value it very little, which I guess is not surprising as he seems to have very little regard for himself. Rather than take the risk of being authentic, he is choosing to live a diminished existence as the fake ff4152 , unseen and unknown by the people important to him.

His wife is more than just his wife, however. She is more than her relationship with him. She's an autonomous human being and has a right to the truth about the state of her marriage, who he is, and what he's capable of. Authenticity might not mean shit to him, but he's deciding for her that it won't be an option in her life. That is morally wrong on its face, yet he frames his decision to continue lying as the moral choice. It's not.

If you had cancer, Godheals, would it be right for your spouse to keep the truth from you because they felt like the knowledge that you were sick and the treatment would just be too painful for you? Wouldn't you want to decide whether to go through treatment for yourself? Or at least get to have some input?

I know ff4152 doesn't "feel" like it's wrong. His feelings also kept him in an affair for the better part of a decade. You can't solve a problem with the same thinking that got you into it. That is what he is trying to do. True, he did not give advice to the original poster here to tell or not tell. He's not doing anyone any favors, though, by purporting that his choice is a moral one. I would have more respect for him if he just said "I know it's selfish but I want to try to control the outcome and avoid the consequences if I can."

I would urge the original poster to read through some of ff4152's recent threads and judge for themselves how well his decision to hide the truth is working out for his healing.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

My situation is clearly not the same as many others. The OW was talking to me a lot about how one of her male

colleagues was being mean to her. I tried to be a listening ear and be helpful. She made me feel bad for her. Then that evening she kept handing me drinks while we were out with others. Everyone one was drinking and I knew I had too many. I decided to return to my room. Not long later she showed up at my room and said her roommate was throwing up and she needed to stay away for a bit so she didn’t get sick too. Me in a drunken state didn’t think much of it. Yes this was my big mistake. Clearly that was her excuse to come in. Being quite trashed myself I let her in. And ended up passing in my bed. When I woke up I realized she was in bed with me. And she was clearly interested in having sex with mean. I said no and asked her to leave. I don’t know if she tried anything with me while I was passed/blacked out. I have severe health anxiety so I went and got tested for all major STDs after 3 weeks just in case. And again at 3 months. They all came back clear. I have two kids and I really didn’t want to ruin their holidays or birthdays which are around now. I’ve been in counseling trying to deal with this.

Yes I agree that I missed the signs that she was trying to start something. I was also horrified and made her leave. I blocked her on social media and her phone as well (which she got my number from someone else). So no I didn’t seek this out, but I also misssd the signs that she was coming on to me.

I feel awful. I’ve been sad and depressed ever since. I want to tell my wife. But Im scared. I’m also scared that if she tries to approach this woman she will retaliate and say things that just are not true. And possibly accuse me of things. She did say afte I refused that I better keep quiet or she would ruin my career. So yes I’m scared of her as well. I do t k ow what to do.

EvolvingSoul

I usually find your input inspiring but this last reply certainly doesn't fall into that category.

With all due respect, who are you to determine what I'm doing is moral or not? I have had BS message me saying that they wish they never found out. That they wish their WS had fixed their shit, as I'm attempting to do, so they wouldn't have to deal with the pain of infidelity. Does that make them amoral as well? Just because you do not agree with what I'm doing doesn't make it wrong. That is your opinion and you are certainly entitled to yours as am I.

I know ff4152 doesn't "feel" like it's wrong. His feelings also kept him in an affair for the better part of a decade. You can't solve a problem with the same thinking that got you into it. That is what he is trying to do.

You talk about my feelings with such authority, you must clearly be a mind reader. If what you say were really true, I would still be knee deep in the affair. Obviously I'm not. I ended the affair and am trying to fix myself and become a better person. As I've said before, I do not care what happens to me, I am more concerned with what the fallout will do to my family. I honestly do not care whether you or anyone else doubts my sincerity.

I would urge the original poster to read through some of ff4152's recent threads and judge for themselves how well his decision to hide the truth is working out for his healing.

I am clearly baffled by this statement; how is what I'm feeling or experiencing any different from any other WS at a year and some months after the ending of the A? I would actually say that it lends some credence to my sincerity and remorse as I have not had a DDay. The only impetus for me to change is my desire to become a better person and not some desperate attempt to save my marriage.

anxietydepression

I would urge you to really examine your last post. You seem to be trying to deflect much of the blame onto the AP. You allowed this woman into your room; you could have said no. Try and look at this from the another perspective; how would you feel if your wife got drunk and allowed some guy into her hotel room with some sort of sob story? Wouldn't you hold your wife accountable for getting drunk and passing out with some guy in her bed?

Yes I am aware that i could have said no. I said that is where I screwed up. I shouldn't have gotten drunk. That is also MY screw up. I don't deny that. I could have prevented this from happening. No doubt at all. I am also in therapy trying to deal with all of this, because I am trying to fix myself as well. I know I screwed up. Like you I don't want to hurt my family.

Yes there are days when I think I should just tell her everything that happened. What I screwed up. If I didn't feel bad about it, why would I go to therapy? Why would I come on here asking for guidance? I look at my kids and think how devastated they will be. Could this ruin my marriage? Absolutely! Could I be forced to live the rest of my life in shame because I made one mistake? Yes, I could. And that may be the price of this. I have cried more times then I can count. But I will say this with the most honest way I can. I DID NOT want to have an affair. I DID NOT want to start an affair. Yes I made some BIG mistakes and clearly I could have prevented this form happening.

You ask how I would feel if this happened to my wife? I really don't know. It isn't fair for me to comment on that at this point because my perspective has changed.

I am terrified of what happens next. I fear the worst case scenario. Where I tell her, and she throws my butt out, and divorces me, and I have to fight to even see my kids. I am literally terrified of this possibility.

[This message edited by anxietydepressio at 7:28 AM, March 5th (Monday)]

AD

I apologize if I seemed overly harsh in my previous post to you.

I can’t speak for other WS but I know I didn’t go looking for an affair either. Things started out innocently enough, an old gf reach out to me on FB. No big deal right? The conversations started out innocently enough but here’s the thing, I didn’t tell my wife about it. I figured what’s the harm. I didn’t initially recognize that I was on a slippery slope which eventually devolved into an affair. Now all this time later I see how fucked up my thinking was.

My point in all of this is not to beat you over the head. It’s important that you already recognize how bad your behavior was. Try to examine things from another persons eyes. Try and be introspective with your thoughts. I think most of us know when we’re stepping over a line but we have an amazing ability to rationalize all kinds of bad behavior.

Whether you tell or not is your decision. Keep working on yourself; read and post here and work with your IC.

Best of luck to you

Oh I see how terrible it was. I knew that as soon as I woke up. Fear, panic, depression, anxiety. All of it. I feel like I don't even deserve to be happy. I feel like I don't deserve my family. There is even that part of you who wants to confess so she will kick me out because that is what I deserve. I don't deserve them anymore. I made a horrible mistake and should be punished. I deserve to be alone. How could I do this to the one person I love the most. How did I not see it coming? why would she ever even think about forgiving me? She doesn't have to, and shouldn't. I don't deserve forgiveness.

The hard part for me is do they deserved to be punished? Do my kids deserve this hurt and pain. I know that I will always have my guard up and have already taken steps to protect against that. I barely talk to any females outside of my wife at this point.

I read one person said when they were caught it was almost a relief, because they didn't have to live in fear anymore. I live in fear every day. Fear that maybe the STD test were wrong, fear that more happened then I know. Fear that I will lose everything.

[This message edited by anxietydepressio at 9:23 AM, March 5th (Monday)]

You take no comfort that he is an informed person about his life with his basic human rights to know about his life, his marriage, and his spouse into account?

Yes I feel better that he knows. I take comfort that he now knows what a shitty person I was. He has plenty of money I don't have access to (inheritance) so he could leave anytime he wanted to. I took his choices from him and I feel good knowing I gave them back. 26 years too late but I gave them back.

Thing is it's easy for me to say all this now that I'm 4 years out. I'm just saying if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have told. As badger girl said I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. FF said confessing is selfish. I agree. Pain, pain, all around pain, pain for him, pain for me, pain for our 3 kids, just pain. Life changing pain that you can never take back. Your life is forever changed and things will never...ever be the same again. Your spouse may forgive you but they will never forget and you will never forgive yourself. Your kids will never forget those years of screaming and rage either regardless of whether there is an R or a D.

I was already guilty and carrying pain from this secret. It really does eat you up inside. I think it was selfish for me to relieve myself of this by dumping it on him.

[This message edited by Root at 9:42 AM, March 5th (Monday)]

No problem. Hang in there.

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 9:10 AM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

I need to step away from this at this point. Before I have a total mental break down.

I’m trying to find my way through this. It’s a new and terrifying Place to be. And coming her I thought would help because I would have people who understood. It’s made me feel worse, much worse. I probably can’t have lower opinion of myself right now. I did NOT want this to happen. I didn’t say wel f it might as well enjoy this now that I know I can. I was horrified. Immediately. I’m surprised I haven’t ha a heart attack yet.

What am I weighing in my head? My wife could listen to this understand and with time we would be stronger than ever. Or it could rip us apart and my kids could be scarred for life. I know that both scenarios are possible. I hate myself. And my health anxiety is wors then it’s ever been. I could have std tests done hundreds of times it wouldn’t matter. So yes now I’m going to spend time researching what I missed what the doctor failed to advise me to do, but a person on a chat room knew better. And yes I’m terrified. Yes I considered suicide multiple times in the first few weeks. Then I looked at my kids and said I can’t do that to them. I won’t do that to them. I love them.

So perhaps it’s time to just talk to my therapist and leave the internet behind. It brings me nothing but additional sadness and pain. Oh yes and fear. Fear that I opened that door and it will forever ruin many lives.

[This message edited by anxietydepressio at 4:23 PM, March 5th (Monday)]

To tell you the truth my biggest fear would be if something happened to me and my wife would be left finding out after I died without any answers and living the rest of her life not knowing the things the BS wants to know and be haunted and tormented for the rest of her life because that type of shit happens. That IMO is just cruel and fucked up. I would never never never take that chance. Ever.

The reply you are referring to was directed at all waywards that don't tell. I did not state FF only.

FFDidn't your wife ask you while you were being mean and distant during the affair what was going on? I believe (could be wrong) you addressed that when everyone was discussing your other friendship with a long time female your wife was first threatened by and if that friendship crossed the line in her feeling safe. As far as choosing to live with it because that is the consequence. That is sad that you condemn yourself to that. I can understand that. You aren't quick to forgive others. You certainly aren't going to forgive yourself. It doesn't change the actions that you did it. Even if you hide it. You already put that hole in your marriage. Your wife doesn't know is there.

As far as nitpicking. Again. Everything I state, holds true for all waywards that don't tell. It isn't just him. The reasons I give for him to tell are the same reasons I give to anyone. It is a basic human right and value. Those that don't tell have a different value system to what a human is entitled to as a basic human right to make informed decisions about their life. IMO having control over an adult's life. However, all they see is the candy coating on top of it all. Just pain. They don't see what goes beyond the pain.

EvolvingSoul is spot on about the moral code.

AD

I tried to be a listening ear and be helpful. She made me feel bad for her.

She didn't make you feel bad. You chose to feel bad for her and to play the KISA. Think about that. You opened the door to a slippery slope with too much intimate unprofessional information. You could have said, no. You chose not to. Because you didn't want to. You could have stopped the beer feeding, but you didn't. Why didn't you? Those are questions to ask yourself. Those are questions your wife will want to know.