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May I kindly ask your opinion on my thoughts about sending a message to my wife's AP to stop his communication with her? He happens to be a friend of mine too but I don't want to personally confront him regarding this matter. What are, most likely, the consequences if I do this? Please a advise. Thanks.

[This message edited by Juanpaolo625 at 9:41 AM, March 11th (Sunday)]

Every situation is different, and if you know this person, you know who they are. I'm my situation, with a long-distance, online AP that my WH had never met in-person, I told her that if she ever contacted me or WH, I would send the video of her spanking herself to her mother. We've never heard a peep.

Has your wife sent a no contact message? Did she allow you to see the message? Has she blocked him?

You should inform his wife if he's married. He could care less what you think.

He's not your friend and never was.

It's like this. He could care less about you, your future or your family.

Helping hide their affair usually enables it further. Better wake up.

I have never heard of an OM to stop banging a WW

because her BH sent him a text.

As said: he was never your friend.

Time to man up and tell the OMW. That is if you want

to see this affair over. When a BH makes it hard

for the OM to get some side action he just will

move on to a new target.

Time to man up and expose to the OMW.

Do not put threats of any kind in writing... I'd caution against making any specific threats at all. I told OM I'd "destroy his life" which I don't believe is specific enough to be a legal issue, but even that could be a problem. Really as soon as I made the decision not to risk my career, freedom and assets for the fleeting comfort of caving his skull in, the immediate force behind any threat was gone.

I'd say that it is probably more effective for WW to send a no contact text/letter etc. (with your guidance/help) Also, definitely tell his wife or girlfriend (and don't let WW know you're doing it).

It’s time you stop referring to him as a friend. He isn’t your friend so stop treating him like one

I wouldn’t or any threat in writing like that. Has your ww told him not to contact her? Did you see the message she sent?

No...

Your wife should be the one sending this text.

And if your wife won't, then that "or else" comment should be directed at her.

So the question remains....were does your wife stand with all this business? Is the affair still going on?

Not knowing the full story...the affair partner might just laugh at you knowing your wife is the one contacting him.

need more info

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 11:21 AM, March 11th (Sunday)]

He didn't care enough to not have an affair with your wife, so he certainly won't care what you have to say.

It's normal to focus anger on the affair partner, but that often is in place of planning responsibility on your spouse. She needs to issue a No Contact statement that you see and agree with ahead of time. Then she needs to abide by it.

The only contact you should absolutely have is with the AP's wife/girlfriend. She deserves to know.

yes, I would. Send the coward running.

You said that he happens to be a friend of yours, present tense.

Please explain, bc it should have said, I used to think he was my friend, but I was wrong.

No. You have no power over him, and he has no reason to comply if your W is willing to stay in contact with him.

If your W has gone NC (No Contact), it's time for a 'cease and desist' letter from a lawyer and/or a Restraining Order.

If your W hasn't gone NC, it's time for you to get your ducks in a row for a probable D.

[This message edited by KnowOneSpecial at 7:08 PM, March 23rd (Friday)]

Thank you for all your replies. The guy (twice separated) was introduced to me by my wife as a cousin and I believed her as I have my full trust on her. As a matter of fact, I treated him as a family. I had a lot of suspicions before but did not entertain the thought of it as they were cousins. He even sleeps over at my house and my 4 kids (all teens now) treat him as an uncle. I caught them on audio having sex in my car after my wife excused herself of going to the gym. It was obviously not the first time. My wife was never remorseful about what had happened as she feels nothing is workable between us anymore. She claims she has never loved me in the 20 years of our marriage. Crap! The whole story was rewritten by her to probaly lessen her guilt. I guess I was wrong for my codependency in our relationship. She always gets her way. I still love her uncondionally in spite of everything. I married her as she was a very principled woman. I view her now as a lost sheep and I feel am responsible to guide her back to her real sense of thought. I am initiating our sex of 2 to 3 times a week now for me to express my love for her. She enjoys our sex but avoids kissing me intimately. I can sense though that she is just doing her obligation as a wife. BTW, they are still in contact with each other. This is what is bothering me. Help!

[This message edited by Juanpaolo625 at 2:31 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

I guess I was wrong for my codependency in our relationship. She always gets her way. I still love her uncondionally in spite of everything...BTW, they are still in contact with each other.

You are the "Pick Me! dance". It is trying to "win" back your wife while she sits on the fence between you and the AP. It teaches her that you'll not only tolerate the disrespect of having been betrayed, but that you will even tolerate ongoing abuse. It teaches her that she can get away with about anything. It produces more brazen behavior from her - exactly the opposite of what you hope to accomplish. Many betrayed spouses have tried this approach and it never works.

If you want help, you'll need to see...

1. That you are loving what you believe your wife to be, not who she is actively showing you to be

2. That if you are codependent, this is contributing to a pattern where you are tolerating abuse in your attempts you find love

3. That you deserve nothing less than to be treated with love and respect, especially in a marriage.

Go ready the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses in The Healing Library (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp) and implement the 180 for starters. You need the time and space to get away from the manipulation so that you can clearly see how your wife is abusing you. That will put you onto a path where you will get stronger and be able to take a stand against what your wife is doing.

Thanks for the helpful advise. I have never discussed this matter to my family nor to my friends. I am all alone in this battle with my wife. I am so xdevastated by this whole thing.

aslong as you plead she hold the cards. her telling she never loved you.This has legal remifications (I hink) get that on record).

Do not care for someone who never loved you. Acting beta has put you in this predicament. Act alpha now. hope you kick the freeloading pos out. tell your kids what a loser is the 'uncle' and hence their mother.

Initiate 180 and separation. Your wife might kick into reality and see another side of you. again you lose if you go after someone who treated you so badly

[This message edited by goalong at 2:42 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

Mind boggling how BS's think they can hold onto WW (or WH) by becoming even more needy. Initiating sex when she obviously is just doing it to keep you in check is hardly sexy to her. You are dealing with a selfish narcissist who is giving you sloppy seconds and you offer her sympathy sex (sympathy on her part)!!!

Get serious man. By being so clingy and needy you don't hold her accountable for anything. I'd kick her out immediately and send a clear message about your intent and your leadership.

You seriously need to work on strategy. Sex is not a tool to keep someone ... even though its used that way. Your WW is a piece of work... (you knowingly try to sleep with her while she is giving it all to someone else?? is this correct?? )

Ask yourself this...

What is the POS offering her that you cannot?

Dear BH, you do not even want to compete here. You not playing on an even playing field.

To get victory here you must be willing to lose ...fearlessly. Be willing to be rid of her. Be ruthless in everything you do. She will soon see you as the protector again.

However, from what you say... I'd slap her D papers already. You can do this.

Right now they are being utterly disrespectful...

Gather all the evidence you can get... and File asap.

Thats my advice!

[This message edited by VinST at 3:07 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

I tried asking to check on her phone when I caught her texting one day knowing it was her AP but she relentlessly refused. Do I really have the right to insist and check it? She calls for a separation each time I do this and I don't want to win the battle over war. I still want to keep the marriage, provided of course that she stops the affair.