SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have three consultations with divorce attorneys coming up in the next several days.

This seems like such a huge step for me. If you were a betrayed spouse who divorced due to the infidelity, did you ever regret it? Did you ever wish you had stayed in the marriage?

For me, the simple answer is No. My D was just finalized after being separated for a little over a year (state requirement).

I miss my XWW. I miss having a family. I miss having a partner/companion to share life’s ups and downs with. But I also realize I miss who I THOUGHT she was. She is not the person I thought she was. She cheated, showed zero remorse, and gave up on me. I had no choice but to D. I simply can’t stay in a marriage where I’m disrespected, not loved, not cared for, etc. I didn’t want to D but my hands were tied. I SIMPLY HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. I will never trust XWW again. And without trust what do you really have????

Absolutely not. I wish I'd left sooner.

SuperDaddy's pretty much got it.

It's like asking "When your spouse dies, did you ever regret burying them in the ground? Do you ever sometimes wish you had kept the dead body in the living room instead?"

Yeah...no. In that situation, you mourn the loss of the person you knew and loved -- and that can take time and be really sad -- but you still have to move on. There's no other choice, and if you kept that body around, you'd never be happy. That person's gone.

Divorcing the WS is kinda the same thing. There have been difficult times. But mostly really, really, really good times. Honestly, the day she moved out was one of the most freeing days of my life, and I was head-over-heels in love with this woman just a few months prior.

I have not regretted leaving for even one minute. Like SuperDaddy1027, my ex cheated, showed no remorse. He and his mow treated me like a doormat. When I finally decided I was not going to put up with it anymore, I filed for divorce.

He didn't know I filed until he got served with the papers. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and as the divorce process progressed, I got to really looking forward to moving on.

I am happy living alone. I come and go as I please. I answer to no one, and house cleaning has never been so easy because I clean up after me, and I don't make a mess.

And, no I don't wish I had stayed in the marriage. If I had stayed they would have continued to emotionally abuse me, and no way was I going to live like that.

SuperDaddy nailed my thoughts on this question.

I also realize I miss who I THOUGHT she was. She is not the person I thought she was

I regret that I didn't see some of the warning signs earlier, to either attempt finding a different path that could have allowed us to put in work towards our union, probably still futile, cause of her narcissistic behavior. It might have given one or both of us the courage and knowledge to call it quits before she chose to cheat, at the very least.

I miss a lot from our marriage, but I have gained a lot from being on my own, too. The most valuable thing I am finally understanding, I am finding happiness in my own self, my own skin. I am discovering I don't need someone's approval or attention to be happy. That is on me. I will accept someone else's love and attention, and welcome it, but I won't let my happiness and well being dependent on it any longer.

[This message edited by MST3Kfan at 8:52 AM, March 16th (Friday)]

Nope.

Longer answer; it was painful to divorce. It hurt saying good bye to the dream of a marriage and a life time together. But, when I realized he was the one who killed that dream with his infidelity, I could see the divorce was just a natural consequence of his action of cheating and lying and the not owning of his "stuff. His actions, his decisions started us on that path.

It's a hard path, and the first two years or so after divorce continued to be very painful, but there was also a freeing feeling about it. A "captain of my own ship" freedom, an "I'm in charge now of the direction I go" freedom among my sadness.

I wish that you have some peace in the next several tough days. Get the facts from those divorce attorneys. Decide on the next step for you. And know what ever you decide, it does get better. You will feel better. Life will be sweet again.

This is a huge projection of my situation, so take it for what it's worth. I believe healthy reconciliation between a BS and WS is possible. I think it is extremely rare, and can only happen between two very mentally healthy people (which is very difficult with the trauma effects on the BS and the underlying conditions contributing to the WS's choices to cheat). I definitely wasn't strong enough mentally to make R a possibility, even if it was a healthy and safe option for me, which it wasn't.

I think most reconciliations are nothing but continued torture (even if both truly want to make it work). Hopium is a powerful drug, one that helps us deny our feelings and our gut and even reality. I think for most BSs, the healthiest choice is to Divorce. Especially because there is nothing stopping those 2 people from reconnecting in the future, hopefully when they are both healthier individually.

The right thing for me was to leave her. I didn't choose to do the right thing a long time ago, out of fear and self-confidence issues, and she was really good at saying the right things. I put myself through a world a torture again over a decade later, and lost a huge part of my life. Having all my memories poisoned with the reality of what she had been doing all that time, felt like those years, my life, being stolen.

I regret not doing it when I first saw who she was. I regret not believing what I saw. As Superdaddy aptly described, there are negative emotions that come with the decision to divorce. And I've still never regretted it, even on the days where the loneliness and fear were so strong.

I have no doubt that the anxiety and psychological torment I endured from her gaslighting throughout the relationship would have killed me at a much younger age, had I not found out about her cheating. And I think the same thing would have happened if we reconciled (it would have been a false R, she had no intention of stopping the lying or betrayals). I firmly believe I saved my life, or years of it, by divorcing.

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 10:53 AM, March 16th (Friday)]

The only regrets i've ever seen on SI are people who regret not leaving their WS sooner.

I'm very interested in this. I've been spending the last 3 years "hoping" that my WH would get it and do the work that needs to be done to heal this marriage. He hasn't, I've started to withdraw but it's really hard for me because I do love him and this is my second marriage--another divorce feels like a huge failure to me. And I'm still here out of fear and self-confidence problems. I want to share my life with someone but I feel like I'm settling for someone who doesn't put the work into repairing our marriage.

Like TryingT said - I have been hoping. 2.5 yrs out, gave it my all, gave him the choice to work on him/us - he chose not to. Comments below help me now better understand what everyone has stated here He had a chance, he continued with COW - I can't live like this any longer.

Onelittlevictory - a HUGE step for sure - one that I must also make. You are not the only one and I can totally empathize with you.

Hugs and strength - wording towards peace!

Can't speak for anyone else, but I absolutely, positively do NOT regret getting divorced. My life is so much calmer, less stressful, and drama free. Was it a scary step after almost 30 years together? You bet! But sometimes you have to look fear in the face and just tell yourself to take the leap. I just KNEW it couldn't be worse that what I was going through in my marriage, and I was right. Am I sad my marriage didn't make it? Sure. I never WANTED to get divorced, but I also knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life miserable. Divorce was the only option to remove that misery from my life.

I am choosing to reconcile because that's what seems best to me right now. But in my workplace, I work with mostly women and many of them are divorced due to infidelity. I would say about 20% of the divorced women regret not staying and trying to work it out. These are people who have been divorced for 5 years or longer. Often they say that the effect of divorce on the kids emotional well being was very damaging. As they matured and realized that everyone has issues they wished they could have somehow made it work.

The ones who didn't regret getting divorced were the ones who seemed to be married to unremorsful spouses or narcissists.

The onslaught of emotions are so difficult no matter what you do. No one way is easier and I understand why you are wondering if anyone has regrets. Hugs to you

I stayed at first to try to work things out. Evidently I was doing all the work. I found he had set up a dating site. Anyway I know I did all that I could do and there was no need for me to deal with infidelity anymore.

I have never regretted leaving the marriage. I feel like he left when he cheated. If I knew then what I know now.... I should have left on DDay.

No regrets.

I read a quote somewhere recently: "Divorcing sucks. Being divorced does not." I agree with this. The process is long, painful, full of uncertainty and requires dealing with a usual remorseless wayward spouse. Being divorced allows you to finally pick up the pieces and rebuild your life. Sure, there's a lot of rubble, but at least you finally get to rebuild on top of it.

And without trust what do you really have????

^^^ I agree with SuperDaddy on this. I could no longer trust my ex. He cheated. Then he lied about continuing the affair. After we separated, I found his secret email account with all his dating sites, etc., set up on it, and I realized that there were lies upon lies.

No - I wish I had done it when I first found out. It would have been better for me mentally, physically and financially.

Not just No, not even just a Hell No, but a resounding Hell Fucking No!

I am now married to an amazing man who treats me like his queen. He's never cheated, never raised his voice in anger, and runs stuff by me if he thinks it might bother me because he respects my quirks and hang ups when it comes to relationships.

Not only that, but he's raised my daughter as his own and psycho Bob couldn't be bothered to give a flying fuck about his own damn flesh and blood. She considers my husband as her dad, not the asshole who donated some sperm.

No regrets. I gave him over a year and he refused to drop his girlfriend, I had no other choice except to accept being second best to him

Yes and No

Yes in that I still love him, miss him, and considering/planning on reconciling. No as in the divorce was freeing, and letting go of that dead marriage was fulfilling. I do think within this year my ex husband and I will be working toward getting back together. Only diffrence is he is remorseful.

No - I wish I had done it when I first found out. It would have been better for me mentally, physically and financially.

This