SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What do you guys think of it. I know it will have many naysayers and I can definitely see the downside of it.

I won't repeat my story but basically 8 years out from a one week affair with two sexual encounters with an OM i never met and she cut loose immediately.

Our sex life was crap before, all my fault really (I wish i could blame her but i can't)

Anyway we buried and it back. she's been faithful and a good partner in the past 8 years.

But i finally asked for the details of the A and everything that went with it.

Anyway, over the past 8 years i've had my chances to cheat. I drunkenly made out with someone a month after the A but stopped it from progressing further. Was in a different city, never saw her again and finally told WW about it last month.

But she feels there is a part of me that wants to be even. I know she loves me very much, and i want to end up with her.

She offered me the hall pass as part of R for me to use whenever. She said she doesn't want to know anything about it and hopes that i won't have an A, but rather an ONS. She hopes i won't go through with it (which i may not in life)

and that if i do, don't treat her the way she treated me.

you already cheated back, and you're a MH.

if it wasn't the right thing for her to do how is it the right thing for you to do?

I wonder if the 'hall pass' thing is offered because it benefits the WS more than the BS. It's a way to assuage their guilt, and lowering the BS to their level. What I did wasn't so bad... and you did it too, so we're even.

There is no way to even things out though.

What she is offering is revenge...with permission. Kind of takes the revenge out of it huh? I fail to see the advantage in flushing what is left of your pride in yourself.

No way will I give my WH the satisfaction that I can lower myself to his level. No way will I allow myself to fall in “lurve” with another man and torment myself over it. No way would I want to feel dirty and used over a fantasy no matter how tempting it is. For what? To make him feel better about what he’s done? To clear his conscience that we are equal in our low character and morals? To show him that I can risk my kids’ happiness and our marriage too without a second thought? Why would I want to do that, so he stops feeling guilty about what he’s done?

That would release him of any responsibility of his acts. And if indeed he’d hurt as badly as I do now why would I want to get such revenge on someone I love? How would I be able to look into his eyes and see his pain when I don’t even have the “excuse” of not understanding the consequences of my act?

This is one of the most unhealthiest ways to deal with infidelity if you are truly wanting to reconcile. It is a poor coping mechanism for the BS and there are much healthier ways to cope with our WS's infidelity. For most of the cases here at SI, and IRL, when both partners fuck people outside of their marriages, it just causes more problems as opposed to helping with the problem.

Posting as a member:

My husband gave me the "I wouldn't blame you if you..." spiel after dday. His wayward-addled brain definitely saw this as a way to minimize his responsibility and assuage his guilt.

You'll find nothing to help you heal in a strangers vajay-jay. But if you do take her up on the hall pass to make you even, you will have to offer her a drunken making out session that tempts her - like you had. How does that make you feel?

Watch the movie indecent proposal. She slept with guy fir $ to help H. It backfired.

Two wrongs don’t make “a right”.

Don’t do it.

Your wife loves you. She has been honest and remorseful. You love her. Taking advantage of this “hall pass”will achieve nothing. Other than making you feel terrible. If you ever do use it I am sure that you will regret it the minute you use it.

My advice is the same as all those who have posted before me... do NOT do it.

A hall pass is all about making the WS feel better about betraying the person they love.

No matter how you frame it, the fact is NOTHING can ever make an A ok!!!

You will be sinking to her level. Just the way she is carrying the guilt for the rest of her life you will too. Trust me you're better off not living with the guilt.

Use the hall pass to your advantage...you want to be with her so let her make it up to you. If there is any sexual desires you have...this is your chance to ask for it...i.e fifty shades of grey

.... or whatever....you know what I mean. Good luck.

You will be sinking to her level. Just the way she is carrying the guilt for the rest of her life you will too. Trust me you're better off not living with the guilt.

Use the hall pass to your advantage...you want to be with her so let her make it up to you. If there is any sexual desires you have...this is your chance to ask for it...i.e fifty shades of grey

.... or whatever....you know what I mean. Good luck.

She cheated and as part of her punishment you withheld sex for two years. You further admit your sex life was crap before. Now you are back here asking if you should have an affair. I’m so confused. You don’t even like sex or is it just her you don’t want? Why exactly do you want to end up with her? You’re so young. You’ve got plenty of time to find someone who hasn’t cheated on you. Someone you want to have sex with or someone who doesn’t depending on whether it’s her or you.

It is wrong. Even a tad more wrong as it would be for - also wrong. There is no good that can come of this.

Shortly after DDay, kind of a mental smack to WH if you will, I asked him how he'd feel if I did that to him - and for YEARS as it had been done to me. It worked, I couldn't have affected him more had I smacked him upside the head with my fists. Then I told him very calmly that even if he was OK with it, even if the situation arose, even if there was no way in Hell he'd ever find out, that I simply wouldn't do it. It is just not in my character.

And that's what it comes down to. Is it in your character to do to someone else one of the worst things one person can do to another?

I hope it is not.

I have a hall pass, too.

...she feels there is a part of me that wants to be even

Yeah, that's exactly what I want to do with my life, drag myself through shit just to feel that I stink as badly as she does.

pfft

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:01 AM, March 17th (Saturday)]

I don’t intend to use and over the past 8 years I have had some opportunities and not used it. When I drunklenly made out with a woman I was still hurting and my ego was torn to shreds. Honestly, I didn’t think much about it afterwards, didn’t even feel guilty, more justified.

Maybe the hall pass is just a way for her to lessen her guilt. She has been feeling worse, mostly because we have had such a great time, especially the past 4-5 years. She told me the other day that a certain carefree attitude may never be restored to our relationship because of what she did.

I asked her for the hall pass. She didn’t offer it though. I asked her what if I did the same to her, how would she react.

I am just wondering if that ever worked for anyone. I know it’s not the same. Nothing will be the same as finding out from some random person I had never met that she was having an cheating

Some people claim it worked for them. So what?

Will it work for you? It's taken you 8 years ti get to this place, which means recovery has been very difficult and complex for you.

If you want to continue to recover - and you've barely started - put a Revenge A out of your mind, now and forever.

She offered me the hall pass as part of R for me to use whenever.

You would be using another person.

She offered you a hall pass as part of R for you to use another person whenever.

Do you really have it in you to use another person?

[This message edited by still-living at 3:26 AM, March 19th (Monday)]

I think you should use it. I only wish my XBF had given me one, especially since he stopped all sex with me for about 3-4mos into the 2yr relationship. I was loyal to him for 6 sexless months, and then loyal for 7 more months while we were broken up, and then continued being loyal when we reconciled and even after he went to jail. How many prisoners' GFs have I heard about (who I know personally) who cheated at least once while their man was in jail?? Girls who got laid on the regular, and whose guys were locked up less time? I kinda wish I did revenge cheat on him. I do. Now it's too late and I'm struggling to get anyone at all, possibly in part because of how the long involuntary celibacy has reduced my self esteem.

This has been a central question of my R journey (As you can probably tell by my choice of username!). I was presented with a "Hall Pass" and had opportunity to use it, but I chose not to.

Personally I have been experiencing a pendulum swing between extreme burning vengeful rage and glowing optimism. In my darker times I would quite happily use the hall pass, and pay her back with interest, and this is the worst bit: I am confident that I would not feel one scrap of remorse. I am also quite confident that I could do it without being caught.

But once done these things cannot be undone. As it stands currently my FWW is well aware that as soon as she puts one toe out of line I am gone forever. If she loves me and values me and wants me as much as she says she does then she will not mess up again. If she does then I will walk and no longer care.

It is not an easy question, but those who have had a RA seem to overwhelmingly advise against it. The trouble is you and I can only see the question without the benefit of hindsight.

Personally the moral high ground does seem to be strategically important and I don't think I want to relinquish it for a no strings fuck or two (Or four).