SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's hard for me to understand children so easily turning on a parent, if the parent's track record was great, or even just good, and loving. I know it happens, but it's hard for me to grasp. It seems a little odd that the kids would continue to punish their mother and almost enjoy(?) punishing her by the sound of some posts. I can understand that if the mom were to abandon the family and stay with OM but their mother is very much trying to make amends and it seems like they're kicking her when she's down. I'm not saying they shouldn't feel angry at their mom, but the fact that this has obliterated their relationship with them and that they barely seem sad (from the tone of the posts) about this, I just can't imagine it. Maybe it's because I'm so close with my son I can't imagine losing that level of bond, and other mother/son relationships I know..

I know I'll probably get picked a part for this comment as it has kind of generalized the situation, but from the little I've read here, the ease with which the children shut out their mom seems so foreign to me.

2018- When you first confronted your wife you said that she denied everything.. or said it was a misunderstanding. Even after you supplied the video/pics etc. How was she able to deny this? What were her reasons for stating that you were misunderstood?

that was a great line about Jenna Jameson.

Love it

I'm sorry for what she did to you and you are handling it well but I'm concerned about the way you are handling the kids with regards to this situation. The thing is your kids are half of her and half of you. And that's how they identify themselves. So in essence you are showing them that you could hate them as much as you hate their mother. I remember when my parents divorced and when one would tell me things about the other I would feel rage at the "bad" parent for more than just their transgressions. I felt rage because I knew I was half the bad parent and I stood the chance of the other parent hating me, too. I'm not sure I wrote that well enough to understand how hopeless that feels but I wanted to give you some food for thought as to what your kids might be feeling. I know it's not your intention to hurt the kids. You seem like a great father.

Eta: because they fear you hating them they are going to more strongly rage at their mother, to show you they are on your side. They may also worry about "betraying" you by showing any love towards her.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 11:06 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

Things don't add up. At all. I know this has been hashed out and is a tired topic of conversation.. but there's absolutely no emotion in this thread. Nothing really makes sense logically. Even with how fast the wife was served. I don't know, but it seems... unlikely. The details are all whitewashed. It reads as a bad movie script from someone who is just not really experienced in the life department...? I have to say this.

No update from one time yet

No update from one time yet

No update from one time yet

Family trauma is always hard on the kids. It sounds like your kids are in their teens, so I'm not surprised that they've turned on their mother. It sounds like you had a great talk with your son, make sure you do the same with your daughter, don't just leave it to a counsellor.

Also the response from your in-laws was not surprising, so many people are clueless about infidelity. I would've snapped at the mil as well.

It’s almost 4 am so of course I’m still awake.

Thank you for your comments about my kids and w/s (whore/slut) I get your point about them feeding off my hatred of w/s, but I just don’t see how I can try and hide it any more than I am. I already talked to son about his relationship with her, I have both set up with counselors, I let her stay over Saturday night so she could wake up and have Easter with us, and I have tried to act as civilized as possible with her whenever they are around.

Yes, I agree that having a good relationship with their mother is important to a child, but I believe I’ve done more than can be legitimately expected from me. The rest should be and is up to her.

I agree. You’ve put the bug in their ear (as long as you have a similar discussion with your daughter) but most of it depends on your WW. Again, forgiveness is earned by her actions and never promised. And unfortunately her actions will never be forgotten.

How long does a divorce take where you live?

I always found exercise is a key component to getting some sleep, especially as I get older. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:26 AM, April 2nd (Monday)]

I live in New England.

I’ve been told that since the kids are older, and child support should not be an issue, with the big exception of college costs, a non-contested divorce could be a quick as 4 months. A contested one will take a minimum of 6 months. But the biggest issue may be scheduling the actual court date.

I’m torn between going no-fault or fault divorce. No fault will lend itself to an easier path towrd an uncontested one, but my sense of justice is demanding a fault divorce. I think I need a fault divorce if there is ANY chance of R after the divorce is finalized! I’m thinking her standing up in court and stating that she f——ed a pos for such a long time it will help me with her taking responsibility and COMPLETE ownership of what she has done. A favorable divorce will also help that path as well.

Time will tell if she has changed or is still being selfish

You're on a very similar path as to the one that I had to take. I insisted that we had to divorce because I could not build anything out of the rubble she created. If there was to be any hope it would have to be a new marriage. And as you are to struggling over fault or no-fault, I insisted on a fault divorce because where I was had that as an option. Even though we remarried I have divorce papers that state our previous marriage was ended as a result of adultery as stated on the divorce papers. Of course you have to make your own decisions. But my formerly Wayward wife offered no objections under the potential opportunity for reconciliation and marriage if she became marriage worthy again.

Filing for divorce on the basis of adultery did not provide any additional legal benefits to me, but it did serve the purpose that I needed.

[This message edited by DIFM at 8:41 AM, April 2nd (Monday)]

I can understand the desire to have her stand up and confess and won’t argue with it. First step though would be for her to admit to you and the family what she has done.

In the meantime, while i know you are still only 10 days out from DDay, do you have any planned 1 on 1 discussions with her, either about the A or the D? No rush, just wondering.

At some point you may want to document what you require of her moving forward. She should offer up additional suggestions as to how she will become a safe partner. It should include your desires for the D process. No need to promise R, but If there is a chance after the dissolution of the marriage it would be good to discuss what you need.

Again as you say it’s a 4+ month process, so no rush.

Have you stayed in touch at all with the OBS? Always good to share info with her if she is willing.

Do you know if your WW has started therapy yet?

You’re doing a great job.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:42 AM, April 2nd (Monday)]

What's your purpose in holding on to your hate for your W, especially since hate and love are connected?

What's the positive outcome of holding onto your hate?

Do you feel other emotions besides hate (anger)?

'Getting out of infidelity' is only one step in 'recovering from being betrayed'. How do you plan to survive and thrive?

2018MLMM what has her emotional state been like? Is she visibly upset? Crying? Or is she just standoffish and quiet?

Do you think it has sunk in to her? The amount of damage she has done?

And what do you think the chances are this loverboy of hers will try to publish the videos on a porn website? If he is vindictive he might just do so. Is she aware of that?

Thank you everyone.

Yes, I think that she is discovering the devastation that she has and is causing, not only to me and kids kids, but also to herself. I know that she is reaching out to friends for her. At least 2 of them has told her that the friend they knew would never do anything like that and can not give any support to her, but if the kids or I need anything, they will be there for us. I know this because they have contacted me to let me know this, and that they had no idea about her f——king around behind my back”

I’ve allowed her to stay in My sons room for this week on condition that if it doesn’t work out, she will move back to her sisters. I did this because I know that it will be a tough week dealing with her work, and I don’t want her doing anything dumb.

Some have asked about my anger. To be honest, I do recognize that it does feel that it is eating me up. But I also feel that I am using it to stay focused and being productive on the path to divorce. But I do feel the entire spectrum of negative emotions, from grieving the “death” of the actual person I married, shame for allowing this to happen, abandonment, confusion, absolute despair, etc And also, right now, There is a good amount of timeIm in the “I don’t give a f—- about it stage.” If that doesn’t sound contradictory.

But yes, there is also times I do feel sorry for her, and to be honest, I hate myself for this!!!!!!! Like Saturday night, I was in attic and found a few momentos of mine and the kids and I brought them down to my bedroom because they made me smile. At some ungodly hour Saturday night/Sunday Morning, I went online and booked a trip for the 3 of us back there this June. I then went downstairs and placed the souvenirs into their baskets with an index card attached with the dates. When down there, I noticed that one of my kids also placed a basket (not my official Easter basket) next to their baskets with a tag that said “Dad” on it. And it was filled with candy. And on Sunday, I would occasionally look over at her and feel sorry for her, like when she saw the kids didn’t make her a basket, when the kids were jumping up and down about our trip and she realized she wasn’t invited, and when the kids would give her one or two word answers to her questions, or when they continued to call her by her first name, or when she would excuse herself from the room to go be alone.

I felt bad for her because I felt like she must feel like she is no longer part of our family. And if she does feel this way, she is correct. She is no longer part of my family. Her family includes her FOO and maybe the kids, if she does a great deal of work with each of them. But the only way I will be part of her family is if we reconnect after the divorce

In the end, I believe that I’m moving forward with what is best for me and my kids.

Someone asked about POS being in possession of all the videos and concern about him posting. Personally, I don’t care and I don’t know if she has thought of that, and if she has, I’m assuming she will have to get an attorney to deal with it. Part of me says “oh, isn’t that a shame?!? What did you think was going to happen????” If he does, her professional career is gone forever.

But, i’ll Bring to her attention on Wednesday. We have agreed to talk about anything related to her fucking pos and the aftermath.

Thanks again everyone.

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 4:35 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

I know you're reeling and have a million emotions running through your head, but I just want to throw my hat in the ring about something.

Having some revenge, playing passive-aggressive or (or straight up aggressive games for that matter) is so tempting. The desire to "win" this battle is overwhelming. And to bring your kids in on it, but remember at the end of the day - that's their Mother.

I posted this on your thread 10 pages ago and I'm really concerned for your kids. There are things being said in front them to their grandparents, people at church, between you and your wife during arguments that I don't think kids should be hearing about their Mother (no matter their age). And the vitriol they are spewing about their Mom with no confusion, misunderstanding, or sadness is frankly alarming. I'm kind of worried about this. As I said, at the end of the day, that's their Mom.

Involving kids in adult problems is one of my push-button issues though, so take it FWIW.

ETA because I just saw it while writing my post: For them to put out a basket for you and totally ignore their Mother (who is back in the house with all of you) is really passive-aggressive and kind of disturbing.

[This message edited by Chili at 4:38 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Thank you Chili.

I’ll bring this up with my counselor at my next visit and bounce it around for a while

It is refreshing to see friends of the WS denounce their activity and declare support for the BS & family instead!

Stay strong my friend!

And stay firm, in your footing!

You are on the path, and laying out a definitive example of what someone in similar steps should do!

It's not surprising the kids are behaving as they are.

When one parent steps out of the marriage like this, it doesn't just affect the other parent...it affects the entire family.

Those are the consequences of her actions. I don't agree she should have an Easter basket made ...she doesnt deserve it at the moment it and making them do it is likely to affect 2018's relationship with his kids.

Remember his wife chose to be with her lover rather than see her son...that's hard for him to digest.

The kids need time to process this. This thread should be a lesson to any WSs the potential consequences of an affair and how your kids will view you.

Infidelity is not just about betraying your spouse ... It's your kids...your in laws...your parents...the repercussions are far reaching and I'd like to think if WSs thought about this...they'd either not have the affair...or make sure they were never caught.

Let your kids come round in their own time.