SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are blessed with good friends and an amazing son. Having him come in and just have a normal father son moment while tossed no back a beer is nothing short of miraculous.

Life doesn’t have to revolve around infidelity all the time. This is the path towards healing.

The funny part is that he isn’t 21. But he wanted to be adult. It was fantastic

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 8:14 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

Been in bed for about 90 minutes tossing and turning.

I’m stressing out about her coming in my home tomorrow at some time and sleeping here so she can wake up here on Easter.

Just worrying over everything, line her and the kids. I don’t want her destroying our Easter. Don’t want her trying to manipulate anything, even if it is unintentional

2018 I understand there's a tug of war going on in your head right now.

As for her "ruining our Easter", if you're mentioning this than I'm assuming you're a Christian.

Keep telling yourself this, Easter is about the resurrection of Christ, HE HAS RISEN, and 2018 as a follower of Christ he will help you rise from this storm you're in right now.

Keep pressing forward.....

Can you attend a sunrise service and not be there?

This is a tough situation. If your kids aren't talking to her, her presence at Easter isn't exactly wanted by them either but I don't know if there's anything that you can do to prevent her from coming. Since your kids are adults or soon-to-be, it's clear that she isn't just trying to be a good parent. She's being selfish by taking the opportunity to play happy family at everyone else's expense. I'd suggest asking her to take your kids out for brunch or something without you but if they don't want to, then you should stick around for their sake.

2018

Infidelity is not an exact science. Unfortunately. Relationships are messy even when they are good.

I think one thing is very important. Your WW is going to be beating herself pretty good the next few years. It’s not going to be easy for her. She just started to come to the realization that someone damaged her family probably beyond disrepair. And the problem is, that person was her. So now she has to be angry with herself. She will never have a fully positive view of herself again.

Now I know. Boo hoo right? She should have know better. But the truth is, on the other side of it, a person you and your children Loved just committed an awful sin (I’m not religious I use the term generically) against you all. So simultaneously you all are horrified hurt and disgusted at the one person that would console you all. And you cannot support her during her recovery from her awful choices the last year because you all are the ones she affects! It’s an awful situation.

With that said, while none of you will have the same innocent happy relationships again, your children need to have both their mother and father in their lives. As long as your WW works her ass off to become the person that you all deserve, she needs to at the very least have a role in your lives. For your kids, as a mother. For you, at least, and possibly no more than, the mother of your children.

So I think you need to open and honest with both her and them. Tell them that you hope this is the most painful moment of their lives and nothing ever equals or exceeds it. And then tell them that even though it is that pinnacle of pain, they will recover from it and have happy lives.

Then acknowledge to them that you realize that they cannot act around their mom that this never happened. But also let them know that In life love of a parent and child doesn’t just go away when the other person does something wrong.

Their mother still loves them. She had what some think is a mental breakdown of sorts that enabled her to do awful things. And she made terrible choices during this time. But that doesn’t mean she can never be a productive family member for them ever again. She can. And while it will take a long time and hard work, she will.

With that said, ask the kids if they can figure a way to spend an hour with their mom on Easter. If you live where there is warm weather, perhaps they can take a walk in a park with her. Or maybe they can go to a movie so there is not a lot of conversation needed on that day. That can come later.

Just ask them to open their hearts for just a short period on the holiday to the woman that raised them. It can be as short as an hour.

Then talk to your WW. Ask her what she envisioned for Sunday. Tell her the kids were very reticent to spend any time with her. But they agreed to take an hour of the day and go for a walk with her. That their conversation doesn’t have to be about the A. It can be solely about their week or what’s happening with their friends (perhaps ask the kids to predetermine topics). Let her know that her relationship with them will take time to rebuild and that you hope she will see this as a very small first step. Let her know you hope she sees this as a positive step and will take it without complaint.

2018, you have praised Wallop and the approach he took, even though you have stated you are NOT HIM. One part of his journey was to protect his children’s relationship, as changed as it was, with his WW even if they were going to D.

If there is any part of his approach you emulate I hope it’s to help your kids find their way back to a civil relationship with their mom.

You don’t owe her a thing but I know you are the bigger person here and can do it.

I apologize if you don’t find any of this helpful.

I wish you some rest this weekend.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:33 PM, March 31st (Saturday)]

Stevesn, thank you

I have been thinking about how and should intervene between the kids and her.

Not sure what to do

I hope my thoughts help with that, if even just a little bit.

Remember, however, don't prod your kids to do anything. The shitshow is still fresh to them too. They are as shocked as you.

Just so everyone’s mind can rest, my son and I went fishing and we talked about his mother. He told me not to call her that. I ignored it, and told him that no matter how much I hate her, or he does at this moment, she is still his mother and he will eventually have to restart their relationship. I told him I’m not telling him what to do, I’m just giving him some information to think about and to take whatever action he thinks is best.

He said he will think about it, but has no plans on talking to her or acknowledging her in the near future. He said he is still in shock as to what she did. He is still pissed that she chose to”get laid by that goofy looking dwarf than see me for first time in a month!” After he calmed a bit, he told me that he wasn’t the one I had to worry about, I should worry about talking to my daughter about this. Yeah, nooooo kidding!

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 4:29 PM, March 31st (Saturday)]

I know in another thread you mentioned you were not religious. Being that it is Easter, keep in mind Jesus washed the feet of those who would betray him.

Life is not easy on this planet.

I am so sorry your wife has done this to you and your precious children.

You haven’t spoken about her as a mother. Was she a good mother? Did she love her children?

From being on this site for a while and having friends in real life. For some women their children growing older sends them Into a tailspin. The empty nest almost makes them feel less than relevant. I don’t know your wife’s story.

Ishe has hurt your family so badly and deeply. And for nothing. I can’t even imagine how this must feel for a wayward.

The longer I am here the more I realize there is something to be said for grace. I haven’t figured it all out. And you are on the beginning of this journey.

I do know one thing. It does NOT benefit your children to hate their mother.

Maybe I am projecting, but to think how horribly your children are hurting. To know their mother has done this. As a young man to feel his mother picked scum over her own flesh and blood. It’s devestating. Maybe, your wife sees this. I don’t know.

I am not advocating for R. It’s too soon to committ. I am advocating for less pain. I wish you and your children the best.

IWantMyGlasses,

Thank you very much for your heartfelt postiNg. It never ceases to amaze me that there are so many caring people who honestly want to help complete strangers on this site.

If I’m being honest, yes, she was a good mother. But she has made her own bed and now she has to lie in it. I talked to my son and will talk to my daughter because of many comments here. But that is as far as I’m willing to go. I’ve planted the seed, now it is up to her to reach out and repair the damage she has done.. (I MIGHT call daughters counselor and ask that they discuss their relationship)

As for me, I’ve told her that there will not be any reconciliation for this marriage!!!! She killed it, alone, and I will go complete the divorce process. As someone said, this marriage is dead, it just needs to be buried.

But having said that, I also told her that if she seeks counseling and I see changes, we MIGHT date after the divorce if I see that I might like the person she becomes. But I also said that I think it is a longshot. I feel no obligation to her.

Thank you once again, and happy Easter

good man. She deserves nothing at this point. Again how long did her disgusting affair last ?

PA started October20

Ended March 23rd

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 7:44 PM, March 31st (Saturday)]

so 6 months.

Sorry about that man

Keep moving forward. We have your back bro

PA started October20

Ended March 23rd

Few thoughts here, not questions you need to answer... Just questions/thoughts I would have if I were you.

1) So does this mean that they were Physical on 3/23 before she got served?

2) WOW.... So pretty much the whole school year... So was there even an EA lead up or did he or she just trip one day and his dick fell into her?

3) How did the Holidays play into their hooking up?

3a) Did they abstain over the Christmas break or did they have "work" they had to meet up for?

3b) Did they exchange gifts for Christmas? Did either one give the other any gift at Christmas?

4) February 14th, 2018!

4a) How did they "celebrate" that day? Did they exchange gifts or cards??

4b) Were they intimate???

4c) How was she with you on that day? Loving, preoccupied, distant, etc..

4d) Were you two intimate? or wash she "TOO TIRED"....?

5) Did she ever have sex with him at school or anywhere else and then have sex with you the same night....

6) How could she be so cold as to not even show an ounce of guilt or shame over this period? Which spanned over the holidays, a time of year where we show how important family is to us. I know my wife tears up at thanksgiving when we go around the table talking about what we are most thankful for, and my kids ALWAYS mention their family.

7) Who did she talk about this with? For it to go on this long, odds are she was talking to a supportive "friend". You need to find out who that is and if she is married let her/his husband/wife know what kind of activity she/he is supportive of, because they are most likely doing themselves.

LASTLY....

Odds are if you did not discover this affair it would have gone on (off and on) for years. They would have had occasional meet ups at conferences or to "talk" about stuff as she was his "MENTOR"... and he was her guilty little secret. She will deny it but you know that 99% that would have been in your future... you know it because from what you posted there wasn't and ounce of guilt or hesitation in her communications with him. The saddest part is that if you didn't discover this affair, years from now you may have been relaxing with you wife at home, and looked over at her with her head tipped backed, eyes closed, wide smile & ask her what shes thinking about... Then she would quickly make something up about you, but really she was thinking about how shes a hot cougar that has a young fuck buddy, while still having the good "family life", being a successful respected career woman, and her stupid husband doesn't have a clue, but he is still there to make her feel good and love here when her beauty fades.

Sorry to poke so many pain points or be so dark, but your whole situation makes my heart hurt, and keep a wider eye on my own wife!

Stay strong! Happy Easter!

Hi again 2018

I totally agree with your approach. I’ve often thought that the best way to R is thru D. Not that R is ever guaranteed. But if you are going to R, I believe that showing the consequence of the Wayward’s actions by divorcing confirms the actual death of the M in everyone’s mind.

From that point two people can try to start anew, with the wayward romancing the betrayed (if interested).

I equate it to the death of a loved one and attending an open casket funeral. It makes it real. And once the consequences of the act are seen by all, then I believe healing in whatever form, can start.

Concerning our earlier posts, I am not urging anyone to forgive your WW in the near future. Forgiveness is earned. She has a lot of work to do in order just to be worthy of forgiveness.

But offering hope, like you have done by saying she has the opportunity after divorce to prove herself, can be the difference between a Wayward that rises up from the devastation they have created versus a Wayward that ends up falling apart. Without hope a Remorseful Wayward Spouse can fall into such despair that they fall into depression.

While your kids are old enough to make their own decisions, they are still young anough to benefit from the wisdom you are providing them.

And the most important idea you can convey is that life is long, and there may come a day that they themselves make a choice that is hurtful to someone, even a loved one. It will probably never be the magnitude of the actions your W took.

But we all have done something in life we hope to be forgiven for. It’s hard for a young person to imagine, but it’s true. So it’s important to consider forgiveness as an important part of healing when the perpetrator is remorseful.

Forgiving their mom will take a long time and mostly depends on her. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiving does not mean you don’t divorce her. Forgiveness is a gift to, and not a right for, the betrayer.

It’s way too soon to forgive. She deserves nothing at this point as others here have said. She deserves all the ramifications you and the kids have laid upon her for her actions.

But acting with grace toward she who betrays you will help to heal your own soul. You’re doing the right thing by conveying that message to your kids.

We just walked in from Easter Vigil. I haven’t been in years, but now I remembered I like it so much more than regular mass in Easter.

A few things to update everyone on.

It was only the three of us, but she was in our home when we returned.

At church, My in laws came in after us and asked if the could sit with us. I smiled and said of course, family and church go hand in hand.

My fil, who is a very big man, smiled and gave me a bear hug. He quietly asked me how I was doing, and I responded “minute by minute”

My Mil then gave me a hug you would expect from a family member in public. She whispered in my ear, “I’m so sorry Sweetie. Are you sure you want to just throw 21 years out?

Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree I guess.

I was proud of myself for not blowing up in front of her. I WAS NOT THE ONE THAT THREW IT ALL AWAY!!!!

With a forced smile on my face, and teeth together, I asked if she knows what she did. She said yes. I told her why don’t you come by the house sometime this week so I can show you a few things. And if after you see everything, if you believe I can still stay married to her, I’ll drop the divorce. She got very serious and said “that bad?” I politely said “she made more pornos than Jenna Jameson”. I’m not sure she knows who JJ is, but she got the message, and if she wants to see what her little princess has been doing for the last 6 months, I’ll show her. They then scooted to the other side of the kids and focused on them, like grandparents should.

After mass, we went over to the hall for coffee and chit-chat.

One of the old church ladies that drives me crazy with her holier than thou attitude came over to me. She was also her old art teacher and thinks that she is fantastic. She wished me and my son a happy Easter and asked where she was, and hoped that she wasn’t sick. I TRIED to get her to drop it. I gave short quick answers, finally I was pushed too far, and told her that we are getting divorced. She kept asking probing questions, probably assuming that I was the one that screwed around, but she finally pushed me over the line. I told her that I’m divorcing her because she has been ——— a guy for the last 6 months. I immediately apologized for my language, but she was shocked. She apologized and walked away..... right towards my in laws.

My son laughed and said you know the entire church is going to know within the hour. He also asked if that felt good. I turned towards him and said I should not have done that.

I told him to get his sister because we needed to leave immediately.

In the car, I reminded them that she was most likely going to be at our home when we arrived. I asked them to not be rude.

She was there, cleaning the pots I left in the sink when we arrived. She enthusiastically asked how mass was. One of them said “fine” and they both walked upstairs to daughters room. I walked by with just a nod to acknowledge her presence, and walked upstairs to the attic to get the baskets.

While up there I found some old boxes which actually made me smile. I found one with stuff from our last trip to Disney. It included ears, shirts, and lanyards with trading pins that the kids and I collected. It felt so good to smile. Seeing that stuff makes me want to take them down there again, SOON!

Well, I grabbed their two baskets and brought them to my room and filled them up with the candy and small gifts I got for them, like ear buds, face cream for daughter, etc. I’ll bring them downstairs to Living Room in a bit. Then came the hard part. I went downstairs where she was.

She thanked me for letting her stay over tonight. I just said it ok. I then took out my phone and started this update because I’m not ready to have a civil conversation about nothing important with her yet.

It’s weird, I hate her and I don’t care about her at the exact same time.

But my mind is on those Lanyards and pins up in the attic. I’m actually smiling!!!! I love my kids!!!!!

Now for the big question.... has OneTime posted anything yet?

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 10:02 PM, March 31st (Saturday)]

she made more pornos than Jenna Jameson

that made me chuckle

has she said why she made videos? that is something I don't understand - why people think making a video is a good idea