SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Perfect post, TimeLoss...especially #4

MLMM you did great! That must have been a super tough conversation to have. You clearly made your point and set out rules of expected behaviour for your WS moving forward.

I think your WS has realised that she has lost an amazing husband, her family and possibly her job. She seems focused on keeping that. What she doesn’t seem to understand is the amount of pain she has inflicted on you and your kids. Maybe she will figure that out soon.

Big hugs to you, DS and DD.

Oh and you are crying because your body needs to release all the pain you are in. It doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you someone who is surviving trauma.

Absolutely brilliant! I wish some sort of peace for you soon!

You couldn't have done any better. I tip my hat to you.

Bro-hugs dude!!!

Absolutely heroic, you rock!!!

Top-notch.

I salute you.

I think you have done incredibly well in very stressful circumstances. What you said, and how you said it, was just right.

As for losing it the other night, there was a member here who said that his WW did not realise how much damage she had done, or the impact of her infidelity, until he totally lost it and screamed at her. That was the point when she stopped being defensive, and started accepting responsibility. It literally blew the fog away.

Your reaction to your WW's uninvited appearance in your bed was not you being crazy or out of line; it was a sign of how badly this has affected you, and how upsetting it has been for you. That is a perfectly natural reaction to a perfectly unnatural situation. All of the pressure that had been building up in you was released in an explosion whose ferocity probably surprised both of you.

What was so good was that you realised afterwards that there had to be a better way forward for you. Your subsequent actions and the discussion ought to be in a textbook. Who knows, maybe letting all that pressure and anger out was necessary for you to be able to take the clear-headed, effective actions that you have taken. So as traumatic as that incident was, it may actually be beneficial for your recovery in the long-term.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:35 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

Wow 2018MLMM, you're a champion dude. I'm impressed with how you've handled your situation and how you're executing your plans. I think you're right on target. The old you and she are forever gone; a perfect analogy to this tragedy. I think you're correct to move to D. And as you've noted, the new you and the new her can get back together IF someday you wish to. You've taken full control of the situation and full control of your life. This is exactly what every betrayed person must do in order to heal and get their life back. Keep your resolve. The pain will fade over time though it is a slower process when the betrayer is living with you. I know you can pull through this and come out a better, stronger person on the other side. Take care of yourself and post and vent all you want. That's what this forum is for.

(((2018MLMM)))

What a roller coaster ride you have endured. Your response shows what kind of good and honorable man you really are. Your kids are so fortunate to have a loving father.

Continue to rise above and stay your course.

I’m concerned that everyone will get tired of hearing this. Thank you for all the thoughtful comments.

Never

You’re doing great.

2018MLMM, seriously man, thankYOU for providing a truly text book example for future BS to

follow.

Oh, and don't worry about losing it as you did. M1965's assessment of that nails it on the head.

Just caught up with this thread. As others state, you are doing really well MLMM. You are receiving excellent advice. Just a few thoughts.

Trying to nice her back was pretty much doomed to failure but I can understand why you did it. I think three things occur when the BS tries this without actually showing strength (I'm not saying you didn't have it but you failed to show it at that stage) and confronting the WS directly:

1. The WS is still in the so-called fog of selfishness and denial and wants to continue with the illicit thrill of sex outside marriage. Therefore, any attempt by the BS to win them back is not wanted.

2. In fact the WS somehow loses respect for the BS. They just see the BS as weak in comparison with the OM predator.

3. Counter intuitively, it strengthens their resolve to continue with the affair. They have the perfect cake-eater scenario. A supportive, loving husband to provide long-term security and a young vibrant lover who panders to their need for validation and sexual thrills.

This is why your 'pick-me' dance never had a chance. If anything it made things worse.

If your wife starts to show true remorse and you anticipate the possibility of some sort of reconciliation after the divorce, please do not rug-sweep the affair. If you do then this will prevent you healing. She needs to give you a full time-line and you need to discuss both the issues of the affair and then at some point the issues of the marriage. She certainly needs IC to get to the bottom of her brokenness.

A good marriage needs love and respect. Affairs can happen even in a good marriage, often because the wayward is broken in some way. So affairs can happen even when the WS still loves the BS. It rarely happens though when the WS has respect for the BS. However, that is not the full story. It seems to me that the main cause of the WS losing respect for the BS is that they have lost respect for themselves. They then seek validation outside the marriage to get this and in order to justify this to themselves, they find something to latch onto to 'lose' respect for their BS, in most cases with little or no justification.

So, it may be that you were in a good marriage and your wife actually both loved and respected you but because of her brokenness was able to create a scenario in her own mind to justify the affair to herself.

Now, of course, she is devastated as she never wanted to lose the marriage, you and her family. She just wanted validation, some illicit thrills and sexual gratification with no consequences. You did nothing wrong and she knows that but you have shown your strength and given her consequences and she is floundering.

She now seems to have seen the light. She may eventually become truly remorseful and be a possible candidate for reconciliation if you offer her that gift.

You are in the perfect position because of your actions to offer her that gift from a position of strength, whilst retaining your self respect. So well done.

It may well be though that after the divorce you want to move on, that is your right too.

In either event, please remember to maintain the high moral centre and treat your now hopefully remorseful wife/ex wife and the mother of your children kindly and with the respect she should have shown you, as that is the right thing to do.

Want to post a funny thing that happened just now.

Last night a bunch of friends took me out to visit a bunch of bars. As the night progressed, more and more friends showed up. It was a fantastic time. You have got to love friends that you don’t see for ages, but when they hear a whisper that you need them, they will travel hours to stand behind you.

They all know, but not one asked or said a thing. They just kept buying rounds. Surprisingly, I am probably in the best shape out of all of them, mainly because I would spit the majority of shot into an empty beer bottle I was drinking from, or kept drinking cokes, and telling everyone it was Captain and Coke.

Now for the amusing part. About and hour ago, my son came home, please keep in mind the time. He drops his bags (and laundry at the door, goes straight to the frig, grabs two beers, opens them, and hands me one and asks how am I doing and that he is there for me.

I Just smiled and drank.

Other than the Hollywood moment, it was fantastic. And we did talk, about his life

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 11:23 AM, March 30th (Friday)]

Sweet!

Life is good.

Great posts lately, 2018.

Here's to smoother waters ahead.

She lost her husband.

She lost the respect from her kids.

She may lose her job.

She lost her bedroom--and possibly her home.

She lost loverboy.

That's a high price for a low life.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 1:15 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

2018 it’s good that you had all your friends surrounding you.

Oh, except for that one that stole your phone and posted in NB about dating again one week after serving your wife.

I don’t think he/she is a real friend.

Greeneyes, I think he just didn’t know how important this site is to so many. He was just trying to be funny., plus add a lot of alcohol to the mix. I grabbed it and quickly corrected what he did so it didn’t appear he was insulting all of us. He got the message loud and clear that this is to be protected

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 5:56 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

I just wonder how your friend knew how to post about dating in a specific forum such as NB, especially while drunk?

Well you know your friends better than me, but maybe he is also a member here?

Who knows?

[This message edited by Greeneyesbluezy at 6:43 PM, March 30th (Friday)]