SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m dreading tonight’s first big discussion more that I was waiting for news that she was served

Best approach is that you control the topics but let her do the talking. As I said before, take notes so u focus on what she is saying and you can question on what she doesn’t say.

You’ve already stated you will divorce so that won’t have to be revealed since it’s already known.

Think about what your goals are for the conversation and keep working to get them fulfilled.

I think you at least want to know if she plans on contesting the divorce. I’d want to understand why she thought having an A was acceptable and what she believes someone in your position should do.

As well I’d want to know why she’s fighting for you and not him. Is it only because he rejected her and if he wanted her would she be gone?

Since you are determined (and rightly so) to D, how much you need her to explain now vs after divorce (if you want to try R of some sort) is up to you.

I have my agenda with approximately 15 questions already prints

2018MLMM I think you are doing great. I was in the same position you are two years ago, except I kicked my WW out of the house for eight months. During that time I barely spke to her.

If I may ask, when you refer to her with the expletives, are you calling her these things and saying them to her face? Or are you just venting to us?

The reason I ask is because for your sake I implore you to refrain from calling her vile names or making crude jokes and comments around her. It is tempting to do so. Believe me I understand your rage. I have felt that rage.

But calling a WW names only gives her ammo to use against you, both in court and in the court of public opinion. The last thing you want is to be seen as a stark-raving jealous husband. Especially so if she has a gaggle of girlfriends supporting her. Women love to play the "He's insanely jealous and insecure and that's why I cheated" card, and believe me your WW will play that card...a lot.

So don't go there. Don't disparage her to your kids. Don't talk vile about her to family and friends. Be direct, unemotional and businesslike in everything you do.

I read back through a bit but didn't find the answer: Did you ask for the meeting or did she?

Your wife is posting in wayward.

She's crushed.

Some obvious things to do in preparation for this discussion.

Tissues

Water to keep hydrated

List of topics up for discussion

(Be prepared for some serious begging and emotional blackmail - reconciliation for the sake of the children. Etc.)

Financials, child support, therapy for the kids (my children had a couple of group sessions with their dad which helped with the hurt and anger)

Her exit plan from the family home.

Sending you strength and a hug, this is going to be rough.

This is an in general flag for everybody. Do not pull anything from the Wayward forum into this thread. No references, no names, nothing.

VERY IMPORTANT

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I know that my wife has been trying to get on to this site. She found it without me telling her about. But she realized that I too must be on here and we agreed that we would not look at each other’s threads. I have no idea what her name is here and I hope I never find out.

I have told her that I do go into the other forums, especially Wayward as it is helping me to understand the cheater’s mind and thought process. I suggested that she read a few specific threads as well as general threads in th Just Found Out forum so that she could understand the issue(s) from the perspective of those cheated on.

We have agreed that if we find the other’s threads, we will leave that thread immediately and tell them about it.

If you do post on her thread, I ask that you be as honest and as supportive as you have been to me. I am not trying to say that you have to agree with her, just respond to her honestly. She/we need it

So thank you very much for all that everyone here has done for me, is doing for me, and will do for me in the future.

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 1:45 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Ok, I already have my questions, but I will no longer question the wisdom of this group.....

Using bullets,

What questions should I ask her?

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 1:29 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

And yes, that does mean that just as I have been given 2 x 4s too numerous to count here, if she needs it, give it to her.

2018MLMM, please do not encourage people to do this. A BS cannot give 2x4's in Wayward. If they do so, their access to Wayward can be revoked.

Sorry,

To anyone commenting on my wife’s thread, please give her your honest opinion, BUT in respectful manner

They will be respectful, but stiff.

The questions you ask are your choice. What do you really want to know? Are there things you DON'T want to know?

If it's physical stuff, please remember that this will be in your mind for a very long time. Especially being a man. Only ask what you're sure you want to know. If you plan to D anyway, maybe you don't have to know it right now.

But for me, I would ask things like, how did it start, why did it start, was your plan to D and be with him/her, what made you think this was going to be ok, did you realize this would end our family? Stuff like that. Believe me, as time goes on, IF you stay together, and maybe even if you don't, questions will pop into your mind. Like, "ah-ha, that time you told me you were shopping with your sister, where were you?" etc.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. It's horribly painful, as you've already discovered.

Also, be aware that in the beginning, most of them come up with the most ridiculous, almost childlike rationalizations for "reasons". My H didn't even remember saying some of these things that he said in the first couple weeks.

Completely shocked. He never thought he'd be caught. And it all seemed like the thing to do at the time.

It really wakes you up as to WHO you've been married to all this time. And it sucks.

If you're divorcing, why do you have any questions than about finances and child care?

Divorce means you have to Detach - it's certainly best to limit discussion to finances and child care.

I would give your wife a list of books she needs to read.

There is a very good one. If anyone knows the name of it. IslesGuy used it. It teaches how to answer questions.

IE, I love to shop why?

It is fun to find cute clothes why?

Clothes are an expression of my personality. Why?

My personality likes to have nice things and feel confident in my clothes? Why?

Nice things are an armor and statement about myself why?

Looking nice shows I care about myself. Why?

Caring about myself means I matter why?

Mattering gives me a foothold into this world.

And so on. It’s a really good exercise. I’ve seen waywards use it.

"Nailing door shut wouldn’t work. She’d just slither under the door"

LOL!

2018

Most important is to tell her that for anything you ask that lying to you and you finding out later lessens the likelihood of tryin to rebuild something after divorce. She has insulted you and The marriage thru her actions, if she cares about you at all she will at least be truthful in her answers.

As I said I’d review the dining room table discussion questions and statements by Walloped and OhForANewMe for things they said or asked.

Also let her know that because of the pain you are going thru you may ask the same questions over and over again thru the months and years as you try to wrap your mind around her A. Let her know that if she’s still interested in your M then she should never reject answering them.

Finally as I said above, the biggest questions in my mind would be why she thought her actions were ok to do when you have married someone. What part of Love Honor Respect and Cherish does an A come under?

And why she seems to still want you when she gave so much to someone else.

As others have stated stay hydrated and no alcohol.

Some how came out as an incomplete post with a complete double on next page

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:21 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]