SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, just found this group and need to vent. I found out about month ago wife is having affair. I wanted to gather proff before I approach her.

I bought 2 recorders, and I placed a old cell phone in her car to use as tracking. I activated it just for this use. I also looked at our phone records and one number sticks out, multiple calls and texts. I run the number and find who it belongs to, it's a coworker of hers. I find his address, but it's located 2 hours away, a little more digging I uncover he rents a room near his command and stays there while at work and drives home to his wife and kids on days off. Alot of officers do this if you live too far, especially with traffic and never knowing what time you will get off.

Well as my stomach hurt more, the proff I had, she was having a affair. I called when I seen she was not at work and somewhere her job would never have her park her car, she has dedicated secure locations for there cars, she has multiple locations, to ask if so and so is working today ( he and I are friends) she said she has not seen him and she is at so and so location if I call later. That location has bad service signal so in past she would advise me if I needed her. I listen to recorders and in her car she has Bluetooth, so I heard him and her discuss next time they can meet. He asked several times if I had any clue, she said no and he was relieved. Maybe he seen my truck pass by.

A little back information, wife and I are both cops in diffrent departments, I was involved in a bad accident during work and result was having a knee replacement & other injuries. As I recovered 8 months. Obviously I could never be out on the road so was offered I could go into the academy and train recruits in firearm shooting and qualification.

She was always there for me thru-out our marriage & when I was injured. I Never had thoughts of her doing this and was thinking why she is. Our sex life is strong, we spend time together going out. She always seemed happy and never gave me a clue. ( maybe I'm a bad cop lol) we both work out, she is very attractive and i am approached alot. But i never cheated. I dont believe in that after seeing what it does to family's first hand.

Well I have the information I need and to my suprise it's a coworker of hers, the one that rents a room, I don't know him that well. I thought how should I handle this, I wanted to drive there and just beat his ass, but know if I do, I will be in hot water with work, and my kids were coming home soon. So I sat and wanted to have all my ducks in a row, only problem our youngest son's confirmation was friday and wanted him to have no distractions it's his day. He didn't do anything wrong, why ruin his day.

So I was forced to lay low but I made sure she was not with him no more, or I would have blew it. Contacted a attorney started papers to divorce and get some information. She will be served papers this Tuesday. I wanted her to be served while at work but attorney was having a issue finding a server that is willing to, I figured on her training course trip for work let's do it on the plane when it takes off so she would flip out and have no way of contacting me. But attorney suggested once she lands inside airport. I had to contact hers & my departments Internal affairs to advise them of situation.

This way both jobs are protected and advised that we are divorcing but didn't give any information to why, I don't want her to have issues because if I did say why, there would have been an investigation and she would be demoted. She is a sergeant and on verge of lieutenant within next 2 month's. I know I should but do have a heart for her and don't want to do it.

While I have that free time, I plan on sitting my boys down and explain to them, they are 2 boy's in there teens. Hard thing is she was always a good mother to the boy's and will never bad mouth her to them, I will tell them I still and always will love mom and it has nothing to do with you guys but we may be getting divorced. Also plan on seeing her mother and sisters and brother's to advise them and show them the proff.

I already rented a 2 bedroom apartment 5 minutes from my house, will be furnished on Monday,So boys are able to see me each day and have them stay some days. I will let her stay in house until we sell it. I asked attorney for custody of my kids but he said it's not gonna happen especially in my state, NJ. I know they will be hurt but I'm gonna try my best and make sure they are in no way involved with this. I'm just gonna say mom and I have some issues.

So I think I have all my ducks in a row, the hard part is to sit and wait, especially she is going out to have dinner with a couple of girls from work tonight. I confirmed it's legit. But you never know after for a hour or so. Recorder will catch anything if she stays in car, but I will be tracking car.

I will say this has been so hard to sit and wait, and look in my wife's eye's. She has asked if I'm fine, I told her just stressed from work. She understands that so that's buying me time. I am so pissed I even almost failed my shooting re-qualfifcation. So I need this to happen.

Well I have 2 more days before shit hits the fan, I hope I have my ducks in a row, if anyone can give me advice I appreciate it, since I have no one else to talk to, I don't want to talk with anyone in my department afraid word will get out and internal affairs hears it. I'm glad I found this group, I needed to vent.

I apologize if I'm all over the place, I'm just so stressed and I'm using my phone to type this, it's hard especially I have big hands. LOL wish me luck and will come back later today. Thanks again and will be back later to see if anyone has advice.

Thanks!!

Welcome Onetime. I am glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstances.

It is unusual that you have implemented your investigation and had/have the patience to wait. It speaks to your inner strength. You are going to need this strength as time marches on.

I am curious about what you have implemented to help you deal with the pain/devastation the betrayal is/will be causing you and the kids. Infidelity is an enormous injury. I hope you bless yourself with the support you need, such as counseling, support group, or whatever you may need to help.

Also, have you had a STD screening?

More will be along shortly as it can be slow on the weekends around here. In the meantime, there is a healing library over on the left. It is a great resource.

Double post

[This message edited by Marz at 9:11 AM, March 25th (Sunday)]

Inform the other mans wife as soon as possible. If you could time it when the papers are served that would be good so they don't have time to provide a cover story to her.

Like you're some crazy, jealous husband

I would not lie to my kids. Tell them the truth in a sanitized way.

Your goal is to get out of infidelity as fast as possible and this plan is an excellent execution of that.

1. Make sure you vet renting the apartment by your lawyer.

2. While your wife is in the air you should make effort to contact the other betrayed spouse.

Hi, welcome to SI.

Just wanted to let you know you've been heard as weekends tend to be a bit slow.

It sounds as though you have made up your mind to go the divorce route, and that's fine. You've done a great job getting your ducks in a row, and you have thought about the situation with clarity.

Is there a reason you have decided not to confront her? Are you positive you want a divorce?

Please check out the Healing Library at the top left corner.

I also suggest perhaps you wait to inform your children as you never know if there is a potential turnaround in your situation, and it would be painful for them to have to endure any emotional turmoil if it could be avoided.

Something you might consider is informing the other man's wife, she deserves to know she is living a lie and her health could potentially be at risk for STDS.

[This message edited by annb at 9:15 AM, March 25th (Sunday)]

I to am sorry your here.

Why are you leaving the house? Your not the cheater, so ask her to leave.

I am surprised your lawyer would have you leave despite the no fault of your state.

Get std tested

Get your proof into a safe place off site

Do not disclose your sources

Do you want any reconciliation or you just straight know you don’t want to recover?

Have you thought of individual counseling for yourself?

Please keep posting it helped me through this nightmare of infidelity.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 9:21 AM, March 25th (Sunday)]

Fellow cop here. The Sheriffs office or her own department would serve her. You sound like a traditionalist like me. Like me, you are decisive. Good for you. When she gets served, what do you expect her to do and what is your gameplan to deal with it. That's where your focus should be right now

I am so sorry for your pain and that you were forced to join our club, but I am glad you found this place for support. I’m amazed at how well you have already implemented the advice normally given here. You have put a great plan in place and gotten all your ducks in a row. I would assume you’ve talked to your attorney about your plan to move out? Just want to ensure you are not at a legal disadvantage by doing so.

My kids were also teenagers at DDay, unfortunately two of them discovered the affair six months before I was clued in. It’s done a lot of damage to them. I think it is great that you rented a place with an extra bedroom for them to visit/stay with you. And yes, it is a good idea to be forthright in explaining to them that the situation is tenuous right now and that you will likely be moving out, but that you always love them and maintain a relationship with them, although your marriage may be ending. If you choose to tell him about the affair, keep it sanitized and straightforward. If there’s any possibility that they will find out the truth, I still believe it’s better that they know and hear it from you. “ your mother is having an affair and I cannot stay married someone who broke our vows”. That is something they can understand and respect and sets a good model for them for their own lives. Teenagers are extremely vulnerable at this point in their lives where they are just learning about relationships, etc. if you end up changing course and try to reconcile, you will also have the opportunity to talk to them about true remorse, change, work, and forgiveness. Either route is OK. I’m not advocating for either, but simply encouraging you to have honest conversations with them throughout this process.

You’ll see in my tagline that my husband moved out after my Dday and that we are now successfully reconciled. Anything is possible. You simply need to do what is best for you.

I very much admire how you’ve handled things this far. I’m sure these next two days will be agonizing. Keep reading and posting here, it really does help. Know that you are not alone and that you’ve got lots of people here understand exactly what you’re feeling and going through and will support you through this process, no matter which route you take. Your strength thus far is amazing. I know that inside, you are crumbling, but your actions show only strength. That is the perfect position to be in at this moment.

Well planned.

Strategy is impeccable.

However, you should inform obs simultaneosly with papers being served.

unfortunately marriage is a business contract. Unlike one's parents and siblings, marriage partner can detach if misfortune happens.

I always felt if there was a chance to R it would be best not to tell anyone. Basically why create the extra drama with family & friends during R.

On the other hand if it was a deal breaker and I was definitely ready to D, then I fully intended to tell the truth about FWW. Why sugar coat it and possibly leave your kids and others to think it was your fault? Bottom line is that she broke the marriage vows and hurt you deeply by seeing someone else.

I think the truth is important all around. Eventually your kids will find out and they will resent you not telling them.

Onetime, you've got all of the important bases covered. I would add the part about the STD screening as well. In addition, I would tell the other betrayed spouse, if the OM has a relationship.

I know this hurts. I'm about a month in too from my second D-day. I hope you and your kids are OK.

Keep posting, it helps.

This way both jobs are protected and advised that we are divorcing but didn't give any information to why, I don't want her to have issues because if I did say why, there would have been an investigation and she would be demoted. She is a sergeant and on verge of lieutenant within next 2 month's.

Onetime

This is very smart. If you’re getting divorced you want her making as much money as she can. I would go for good divorce terms right away before she makes lieutenant. Have her sign them.

She knows that you can screw her promotion and she will want to keep you happy. What I’m saying is ask for more in the settlement than you normally would.

She will be more motivated to give you what you want because you can rock her world. Do not overtly say give me X or I will spill the beans because that’s blackmail.

Just let her know that you’re so upset that you might tell the truth about why you’re divorcing. Then she will try and calm you down by giving you more in the divorce like seeing the kids more.

DO NOT TELL HER THAT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO REPORT HER AND THE OM.

a little more digging I uncover he rents a room near his command and stays there while at work and drives home to his wife and kids on days off. A lot of officers do this if you live too far, especially with traffic and never knowing what time you will get off.

Onetime

Is the OM a police officer or a military officer? If he’s military he’s in a lot of trouble and you can use that for leverage too.

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:15 PM, March 25th (Sunday)]

Thank you all for taking time to help me, it really shows how much you care and advice.

Yes, forgot his wife, I did get her contact info and plan on calling her also. Just wished she was closer but 2 hour there and 2 back, I don't have that time. Maybe she will come down, I don't know.

As for patience, thank you for saying I'm strong, maybe on the exterior but interior is slowly breaking. Even other day I snapped at a recruit during shooting class, I realized what I did so kept him after class and apologized and even gave him some training 1 on 1. But will say kids are my rock. Just seeing them and saying in my mind I'm sorry guys for what's gonna happen. I'm even second guessing myself regarding when it happens, but I feel I need her out at least for day.she will turn right back, just don't want her to jeopardize her promotion soon.

You can tell I still have a heart and love her, and after you said maybe hold off from telling kids, maybe I should. Even though I'm saying divorce no one knows what happens later. Must really think about this. But have confirmed they have not seen each other Latley been tracking car, he would not go there since it's a diffrent command and people would ask why, plus if she left car and went in his, she has to park it somewhere else once her shift is done they move there vehicles for others.

We always talked about calls we had and DV calls stood out, it's a shame the things I seen, it really rips a family apart. She is aware that girls would feel secure near a male when they show up in uniform to help them and tend to flirt, have known some people that meet after work but that's not who I am. Guess I always had sons best intrest in mind, that's why I held off till after his confirmation, it's his day I want no distractions for him. I always tend to put my family first.

Sorry but have to run, kids called there done playing basketball so must pick them up. Will be back later and if I didn't answer anyone's reply, please I will but it's hard especially on this phone with my meat hands lol. Wish old phones from back in day where around they were bigger.

Thank you all

One time out

Another brother in blue here, I found out about my stbxw's affair Dec 3rd 2017. Lots of love for you for what your going through. Sounds like you are hanging in there emotionally. Prepare for the roller coaster. You think your doing great one day and the next you may not want to get out of bed.

I got stuck in the "why" stage for a long time. I always treated my soon to be ex well, was a stellar father, great provider and there were no arguments. Just know that you own half the marriage but none of the affair. The affair is all on her and has nothing to do with the quality of your marriage but the quality of her.

Your planning decisive action with respect shown especially for the kids sake. I respect that, I am doing the same. Prepare for her not to act anything like your wife did within a day or two of this coming out. With mine it was like I had never met her. Don't take her shit when she blames the affair on you...and shut her down if she tried to rewrite your marriage. She has to do anything in her mind to justify this in her mind. Prepare for it so it doesn't hurt as.much when it comes.

Good luck. Keep us posted on how it goes.

Onetime,

I can relate to the delaying of the confrontation and it's not easy. I waited 10 days to confront due to a couple of college visits with our DD-17. They were planned well in advance and I could'nt ruin my DD's plans.

It takes a lot of strength and self discipline to pull it off. I stayed busy getting my finances in order and ordered the appraisal for our home. This gave me a head start on the long journey ahead. The WW asked a few times if I was OK and I replied...fine, just busy with work. She had no idea I knew during that 10 days of HELL.

You seem to have a grasp on the situation already. At the end of the day it's all about your youngsters and their welfare. Your approach to this will serve you well and it will only enhance your strong character and integrity.

Hi all,

Slowly I feel I'm crumbling, been up all night, as Usually started to fall asleep half hour before time to get up.

Couple of updates, before that it's amazing how kids can detect things but they really lift my spirit's. As I pick them up from basketball yesterday son wants to spend some of his Confirmation money, take them to best buy, he wants beats headphones, ok there 349.00 price matched to 249.0pyour welcome son, saved you a hundred, but notice older son upset, ask what's wrong. " I want them too but have no money " I paused and took 2 sets to cashier and bought them for kids. Just seeing there smiles and glow, brought me into a state of peace for a moment but worth it. Maybe I feel bad for them in a way, and as any parent we try to shield them as much as possible.

When I took them to sit and eat,they asked, dad you Ok? Said why you ask, you look tired Latley even mom was asking what you been up to while home. Made me think, why is she asking, does she know something. I know I have not left any paperwork around,tell kid's yes I'm fine just tired a little from work.

We go home and I look around nothing, check caller ID, nothing, now I'm scratching my head. I check cell phone bill call history on hers, noticed 2 calls from her job, but not normal number, I check it out it's located where her medical department is located but also Internal affairs. Did someone call her to give heads up,but this is where it's confusing,if I recall she mentioned she had to see medical before training course. So I'm lost and confused.

I do have a question if you don't mind, especially fellow blue, in your company ( department) Internal affairs, have they been tight lip on things or gets out. She has over 1700 on the job so it's a big department. You know how people talk and that is in any field of work. She has been same, she did ask if everything is ok other day, but I do same to get so it's normal to me. She did ask why have you been working out so much in garage, told her just trying to ramp it up, but I blow off alot of steam in there.

Thank you all again, I will say by talking and reading your replys have helped me tremendous. It's amazing by letting it out here gives me so much more strength and the wisdom from you is unfortunately learned the hard way, but so helpful for me and others that are struggling each day!!!

Will stop by later, time for kids to get ready for school, I may just take off and recharge my body.

Thank you!!

One time out!!

Keep up the good work. We're with you 100%.

Onetime, I feel for you and your are going through one of the roughest times in your lifetime on this earth. Looks like you indeed have your ducks in a row and tomorrow is the big day - her reaction to you will not reveal to you right away how she sees what she has done, please do not forget that. It will take weeks or months to figure out if she is R material and you will know by then if you are leaning towards R. With kids, it is difficult to make decisions but having her getting served the papers is one big positive step that might shake her to her core.

You will be amazed by the amount of help you can get here and how much relief you will feel upon posting and venting. Sending you strength and patience.