SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I, too, ask: Why stay, if your W won't change, and if sex is that important to you? (I don't mean to challenge you. Sex is important enough to me to D over. I hope you use the question to challenge yourself.)

I believe I would have chosen D if my W didn't show me that she loved me, that she was in love with me (i.e. desired sex with me), and that she was going to be monogamous.

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My desire for my W got stronger as I got to know her better. I never got bored. I'm still limerent to a greater extent than I ever expected.

Reminder: an A is comparable to dating, not marriage. I would not ever want to tell you what to feel, but go ahead and chase "hot and bothered" in a non-cheating MARRIAGE--not dating!--and you won't find it.

^^^ I totally get it. No false expectations on my end. But that's what i want, that's what she did in A, and i get it's not a fair expectation. But my desire is what it is.

On the D option issue, i am not keen on blowing apart my standard of life because of my WW.

I will State the obvious - BSs are left with really really shitty option in terms of getting to happy.

[This message edited by redhorse at 11:43 AM, July 2nd (Monday)]

I totally get it. No false expectations on my end. But that's what i want, that's what she did in A, and i get it's not a fair expectation. But my desire is what it is.

Redhorse, I assume that you would have wanted this whether your wife had an A or not?

Some people can probably maintain the hot sex throughout their marriage, but that kind of high drive in both partners is rare. If that is not who your wife is, you would have been unhappy whether she had an A or not.

It wasn't who i thought my wife was. She never showed hot and bothered behavior for the whole M. Then I found out from the A that she could get there. I just never saw it. Now her libido is below her previous normal. Like i said i am in a different place.

Way earlier in this thread I talked about her FOO issues and how she was raised to see sexuality as a source of shame.

but go ahead and chase "hot and bothered" in a non-cheating MARRIAGE--not dating!--and you won't find it.

Still quite a bit of hot and bothered up in here with nearly 18 years under our belts and it was hot and bothered all the way up and through the affair too. Definitely does not have to be a thing that dies in a marriage.

Way earlier in this thread I talked about her FOO issues and how she was raised to see sexuality as a source of shame.

This is very common and can be dealt with effectively in therapy. Have you all looked into seeing a sex therapist specifically? (this may have been mentioned earlier in the thread and I missed it, if so plz disregard)

Women can also help themselves by diet and exercise. Women need good blood flow too, just like men. Sometimes lack of desire can be a flag for heart/ artery troubles just like ED.

Diet can mess with desire, especially if there is estrogen dominance over the other hormones. Lots of things in foods and chemicals in the modern world are messing around with women's delicate chemistry.

It might be her attitude too or you both have come to a stalemate and need some friendly mediator's help. I wouldn't expect her to suddenly transform to high drive. That sounds unrealistic.

I think definitely seeing a sex therapist would help. I wish I had known that my "low libido" was a "deal breaker" for my H but he never mentioned it and didn't seem to mind, he just became angry and attacked me and everyone verbally...that doesn't work if you want our wife closer to you. Well I was blind sided by the reason. I think honesty in the relationship is key but you've GOT to have compassionate honesty and that includes empathy. So hard to be that real and that vulnerable. You have to be able to see where your partner is coming from, and work together to find a middle ground...so important.

My WH is very happy now that the therapist has helped him learn how women function sexually...there were a lot of things that were missing that I needed from him and I didn't even know what they were. Now that he's fixed that our sex life is much better, but I'm left with deeper scars regarding trust issues that will never heal. Bad trade off for me, he's happy, now I'm....eh.

didn't show me that she loved me, that she was in love with me (i.e. desired sex with me), and that she was going to be monogamous

^^^well I have no doubt that she's in love with me and will be monogamous going forward. Like I said above she's happy here at age 55...she's willing to have sex. I just wish it was a different situation.

Definitely does not have to be a thing that dies in a marriage.

^^nothing died. Like many a BH here (and some BWs), staid longtime lover became wildcat for OM in a way that was never present before. Sure it was psychological thing, but that doesn't mean that my attitudes and desires won't change as a result.

My emphasis is the sexual desire issue. Like I said, she's willing to have sex, but the 'feeling close' part wasn't a priority for her before to stay fatihful, so...

Trying to figure out how to address it with her. I am pretty sure I am not being fair, but nothing about infidelity is fair

didn't show me that she loved me, that she was in love with me (i.e. desired sex with me), and that she was going to be monogamous

^^^well I have no doubt that she's in love with me and will be monogamous going forward. Like I said above she's happy here at age 55...she's willing to have sex. I just wish it was a different situation.

Definitely does not have to be a thing that dies in a marriage.

^^nothing died. Like many a BH here (and some BWs), staid longtime lover became wildcat for OM in a way that was never present before. Sure it was psychological thing, but that doesn't mean that my attitudes and desires won't change as a result.

My emphasis is the sexual desire issue. Like I said, she's willing to have sex, but the 'feeling close' part wasn't a priority for her before to stay fatihful, so...

Trying to figure out how to address it with her. I am pretty sure I am not being fair, but nothing about infidelity is fair

Well I'm going to rub someone the wrong way with this buuuuuuuuuuuut...

If you don't want to leave for financial reasons, and you don't want to be with her romantically anymore, either ask for an open marriage or just open it and let her know what's going to happen.

You don't owe her your Fidelity anymore, you're basically roommates at this point, and it appears the only thing left holding you together are financial. Honestly if you're in a no fault state, or you have plenty of solid evidence of her cheating... Then what's stopping you from getting what you want?

I'm not saying sneak around. Just be clear and say, "hey, you've dropped the ball and it's no longer my job to pick it up for you, this is what I'm now doing."

Again, I know most won't like this, but honestly you've lived through enough of her bullshit at this point, maybe it's time to live through some of your own.

[This message edited by Skadu at 3:26 PM, July 2nd (Monday)]

skadu - you're right - that won't be a popular opinion here

I'm sorry.

People can correct me, but my opinion is that porn sex does not exist consistently for women in a long-term marriage.

Thank you! I agree especially after an A. Ugh I honestly feel more asexual now than I ever have.

It's always been porn star sex in my M. It gets old real quick and then when I discovered numerous A's... yeah gets old real quick!

Let's not advocate infidelity mkay?

Redhorse it seems like you're torn here. Seems like you need to work through which is the least-worst way to go.

Let's state some givens:

1. The hot desire deal isn't going to happen if it hasn't already in decades of the relationship. Wish it were different like the lucky minority out there, but it is what it is.

2. Her past behavior with OM isn't going to never have happened either.

3. Divorce will likely be an even split of all your finances.

So what are your possible actions at this point?

1. Stay where you are right now for the duration.

2. You could use a counselor to work through your feelings on this, and if you come to accept points 1 and 2 above, remain married in a happier emotional state than you are now.

3. Come to terms with the loss of half your financial assets and divorce if you consider that this is a worthwhile trade for getting away from this situation. (IC option here as well)

A random thought to consider:

Is it possible that her affair was just a deal breaker for you? How did you feel about things say year 3 after the affair?

[This message edited by antlered at 7:09 PM, July 2nd (Monday)]