SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi ESD

The best thing I read in your post is 'two steps forward, one back' THAT is so good to hear, you are making some progress.

I hope you took my post in the way it was intended, to hopefully be a kick in the butt to get some professional help. You have been feeling suicidal for months and I hate to see that, to see anyone that low for so long.

I care about you, as do so many others here and all we want is to make sure that you are ok and getting the right help so that you can recover.

I know it is hard and I am sooooo glad you're making some small progress, that reading here helps bring some comfort to you. But you need more while the suicidal thoughts continue, we can support you but you must go speak to your DR to get some professional help too. Taking some medication or having counselling etc, will help give you some clarity and strength to get yourself back on the road to healing.

My post was blunt because I care, not because i don't. i cried so much reading your post about the noose etc, I felt your pain and despair, I know others here did too. Yet there is only so much we can do from SI to help and that is frustrating. If you lived even in the same country as me, i would drive you to the DR and support you in person. Sadly I can't, so I have tried persuading, cajoling, encouraging and now kicking you (metaphorically speaking) into getting help. Most of us who have been following your sad story are very touched by it, people come on to your thread just to check in on you and will you on, we care!!

I will be here to support you my friend, but I want you to take just small steps to help yourself now. Please let the first one be a visit to a Dr, get some medication temporarily and that will help you to take more small steps.

You started this thread saying 'this time I won't survive it' YES you will survive it, you CAN survive it. Please try to focus now!

As I write this I can hear such loud cheering filling the village where I live. The reason being England V Sweden in the world cup quarter finals. It is so loud I almost feel like I am at the match and my cat has fled to the quietest corner of the house to seek some peace

The reason I am telling you this, is that, this ear splitting cheering is nothing compared to the sound of the cheering that the good people of SI will make when you come on here and say 'hey guys, I went to the Dr and told him/her everything, I am feeling better' That must be your first step ESD! So pick up that phone, make that first move to help yourself, then come back and tell us you did, so we can all cheer so loudly that my neighbours wonder if they are watching the right match!

DO IT!!!!! Take care

Oh, and also - I don't think you are attention-seeking. I think you are at your lowest and reaching out for help. This is a GOOD thing.

I too had a number of different threads where I did reach out for help. The responses kept me going when it was just too hard for me to go it alone.

Don't leave us. Don't leave your children.

((((ESD))))

ESD, you are worthy of a life full of love and respect.

Don't ever forget that.

{{{{hugs}}}}

k9

You are not fighting a battle you are fighting a war.

It is slow going. You do not notice progress with

each step as you take them. But every once in a

while you will suddenly take notice of the progress

that you have made.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 12:37 PM, July 7th (Saturday)]

ESD, please continue to post whenever you feel it's necessary. We'll be here. I'd rather you post than do something everyone (including us) would regret.

We truly are concerned for you.

Keep posting.

Good morning! It’s a beautiful sunny day here and I’m hoping it is in your part of the country as well. I hope you can get outside and feel the sun on your face, a light breeze blowing, and the smell of summer all around.

List off 10 things to be grateful for. Start as small as you need. A cup of coffee. A warm shower. A dog’s happy greeting. Your daughters’ giggles. Whatever. A focus on gratitude and small joys can lift your spirits.

Thinking of you and wishing you well!!!!

Hi, ESD.

How are you doing this weekend? Were you able to get out and do something fun to get your mind off of the pain?

The worst thing I did after my D-day was isolate myself. Looking back after 13 years since that day, even though I went stealth, I turned away from my family and friends and stopped doing the things I loved to do, even simple things like bake.

I hope you have some real life support, and you are able to find time for yourself and do something that puts a smile on your face, even temporarily.

Sending prayers...

I hate these nights where I can't sleep. All the horrible mind movies just keep me tortured. She's laying next to me, being cold and mean. And here's me wishing I could just escape somehow. But then I think of my babies. How I'd never see them if I cant endure this.

But.... I told myself I would try some of the suggestions on here. And since so many of them seem to focus on finding positive things to help my mind, here are some of the things that brought a smile to my face before I felt so dead inside.

1) kissing my babies. One year old and 3 year old. Both lil girls.

2) seeing my work come together so well.

3) floating the river with my nephews.

4) talking with my friend Robert. We can talk for hours on end.

5) fixing something that was broken. Too bad i didn't get good at fixing broken souls. Lol

6) going to an Ikea. I don't know why but I just love walking through that store.

7) ugh..... I'm so not good at this. You'd think finding good things wouldn't be that hard. But alas... I'm running dry.

I wish I could just drink all these feelings away. What i need now is like 7 shots of bourbon.

ESD, here are a few to help you out.

7) Feeling the grass under your bare feet

8) Feeling the sunshine on your face (put sunblock on first :-) )

9) The squeals of laughter when you tickle your daughters

10) The appreciation your daughters have for you, for being there for them

11) The smell of freshly cut grass

12) The feel of the wind in your hair

13) Your daughters asleep on your lap

14) Your friends

PS - I can totally identify with you about walking through Ikea....

Baby toes.

Nothing better in the world than baby toes....

k9

ESD - I'm so happy and encouraged that you can think of some positives. Maybe you can write these down, and then add one new positive to your list every day.

I know how hard it is to sleep right next to a WS. Maybe put on some headphones and listen to music or a meditation while lying down. You can distract yourself, focus your thoughts on something other than her, and hopefully fall asleep without those thoughts circling through your head.

Can you play in the yard/at a playground with the girls? That can be so much fun!! You can also meet other parents if you feel up to that.

See what other kinds of play you can add to your life. It can give your mind a rest, some relief from your pain.

I still can't emphasize enough the importance of being evaluated by a psychiatrist. It will be hard to dig yourself out of a deep depression without the help of a professional.

Keep up the good work ESD!!!

Its so weird how the littlest things can just send me reeling.

Tonight, in an attempt to make a point. My ww said "the only person who should see my goods is your Dad, that's a special thing for just the two of us". This was to my 17 year old daughter. I had to leave the conversation because I was losing my grip on my tears. She sent pics, very very graphic to a dozen or more different guys. They were pics she took for me and I took of her. So it was really doubly painful. But it just sent me falling into darkness.....

It's another example of how WW's can't see their own hypocrisy. That part never ceases to amaze me.

I'm sorry you are struggling.

Well at least through counselling the 17 year old she gets to feel the hypocrisy of it. And thank goodness (on a lighter side) she didn’t tell the 17 year old she should share the goods with anyone and everyone. :D hope that put a little smile on your face.

Sorry you have found yourself here again. I personally have never left. I just take sabbaticals in between PWS women. (Permanent WS). My shit sandwich just never ends. But I’ve chosen to stay so finding OW just doesn’t bug me the way it used to. Although I no longer become paralyzed with gut wrenching emotions that leave me devastated for weeks on end, I do still feel it. My PWS is just a douche. But I hide that from the kids because I would rather they not know their father is a douche of the Nth degree.

My kids give me such joy. I remind myself constantly of why I’ve chosen to stay (finances and family) and it eases the burden . Right now you are in the throws of it. One thing I will give my WS he at least pretends like he wants to be here even while in the midst of it and even after discovery.

I know it’s hard now... but it does get better. Like I told someone else in another post. Do not let your WS who is a complete douche (right now at least) steal your future. And yes... you do have a future.

What a hypocritical BITCH!!!!!!!!!

I hope you get a chance to call her out on this. She shouldn't be allowed to get away with this. You have every right to be angry with her. Direct that anger where it belongs - outward toward her and not inward toward yourself.

((((ESD))))

I am going to take this a little different direction.

I recognize the despair at your circumstances from my own life. I remember well how it feels.

You have to accept that she's just going to do what she does. You shouldn't be surprised or shocked by any of this anymore. It's like falling into a lion cage and being mad because the lion is trying to eat you.

That's what lions do!

This is what your wife does!

I am sorry to be blunt, but none of her behaviors have anything to do with you, and she can't stop for you. She can't change for you, she can't even change for herself. The darkness that she feels has too much pull, you can't save her from it.

My ww said "the only person who should see my goods is your Dad, that's a special thing for just the two of us".

Objectively, she knows what right and wrong is, it just doesn't apply to her, and doing the right thing holds zero importance for her: only the appearance of doing the right thing does.

Think of it like morality theater.

I'm back to feeling numb again..... But... I think that's actually an improvement to feeling so horribly sad all the time. Now, I don't feel a thing. Weird how my mind works eh?

Im staying very very busy with work. Just about to get my own place in two weeks so that's a good thing. Mourning the loss of the man I was and of the love we lost. But Im clawing my way up slowly. I'm not giving up. I hope all of you aren't feeling horrible ever. And I hope you be alone to help others as you all have been helping me.

Its strange how almost no one in my real life knows anything about this, but you all know my very thoughts, though I've never met any of you... ...

Still here for you. the sad thing is that she really believes her lies. She's going to rewrite the past. It's going to be a tough road, but i love your appreciation of what matters most. Baby toes.

Keep clawing!