SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ESD, you’ve got to be strong and courageous. Your children will NOT be better off without you. NoSelf’s story is testimony of that. There is an app called Dr on Demand and you can get treatment from certified, vetted professionals on your phone in the car. Please don’t put off your self care. The tape in your head is NOT TRUTH! You matter and have so much to teach your baby girls first. They need to know what kind of man to look for when they get older. You are the model for that. Teach them their worth and value so they will be strong, independent women of integrity. All the more you have to because their Mama needs to be developed in that area. Do not take your focus off of your children and how much they need you! Hang in there, one foot in front of the other every day. Remember who you are!

Still.very much dead inside. Ww refusing to talk about anything concerning the affairs. Positive note I've now found that I enjoy long Island iced teas much more than vodka and oj.

Yes I have 4 daughters. And she has 3 kids from two previous relationships. Once boy and 2 girls. We don't have custody of those precious babies though. They live out of state.

Trying to stay right, ativan before bed or I have horrible vivid nightmares.

Just wanted to check in with my si family and tell you, im not buried yet.

proud of you ESD, your post made my day, ((((hugs ESD))))

Keep on doing what you're doing, you are making great progress a bit at a time, but it is clear to see that you most certainly ARE moving forward.

Is it possible that you could go to IC to get some help and support for yourslf as you go through this? It is going to be difficult to handle while you two are still under the same roof and she is not willing to take re.sponsibility and come clean.

I really don't want you to start this healing and then for you to get blindsided or hurt again.

Best wishes

Thanks for checking in ESD!!

Just keep moving forward, its tough, it’s a shit storm, just keep focusing on yourself and do what is right for you.

Thanks for checking in, how is the move going?

Don't overdo the alcohol, ultimately it will make you feel worse not better.

I'm really glad every time I see you here, please keep posting!!

((((ESD))))

Glad to see your update. Keep on keeping on. — one day at a time.

This is not easy.

Hi ESD, great to hear you are on the top side of the dirt.

My doctor prescribed trazodone for sleep. Works good with the only side effect being a bit of dry mouth in the morning. I think it's one of the safest sleep meds for those of us who have awful thoughts.

Any chance of you getting an appointment with a doctor? I hope you get your brain chemicals in better balance and peace is yours soon.

Hey hey ESD :) Good to hear from you. How’s the move going? Always exhausting for me ha...

Hugs to you and all your precious kiddos 😊

I'm still wanting to just be done..... With the pain. The emptiness, the despair. I'm extremely talented and highly desired in my field but I'm just .... Wore out...I've got no fight left in me. She drank 127 ounces of beer tonight. Passed out next to me. Still acting like what she did was no big deal really. I'm just wanting to spray my brains out somewhere every day. I try to think of nice places where I have some good memories. A place I can be at peace for a while. Abd where I wont make a messy.scene. I.hear there is a company that comes in and cleans up after you so it if you arrange it in advance. That way your family won't see the mess. I.need to look.into that really soon. I don't think I.can hold out too much longer. I need another year and 5 months to cash out but I don't think I'll have it in me.

I'm listening. I understand. It's so hard at the bottom of the pit.

I'm 1 1/2 years post this. Read my profile. My ex was abusive. I loved him so hard, and it broke me. BROKE me.

It's so hard to see the top of the hill from the bottom of the river. You need to put that arm out and grab onto something and start climbing. It gets better. It's an awful slog at the bottom and it seems hopeless. I know you feel that way. I can read that. I understand. Small steps. One foot in front of the other.

I assure you, the first steps are the hardest. Absolutely killer. Devastating. But please, trust me. The higher you climb, the further you go... it begins to get easier. It doesn't even need to take a long time. Once you reach a plateau, look out. The view is incredible. You can see so clearly.

The mud is cold, but the sky is warm. Don't give up. I'm thinking of you. Don't give up. We care. I care. Can you go to the off-topic forum and find my ultra-marathon post? I posted a picture of me from last weekend, running my first 50k. I was where you are, right at the bottom. I have two young girls. I was a disaster. Look at my profile name. This is what I thought of myself. I was the worst. I was worthless.

And I am not. And neither are you. We can do this. I care.

You aren't alone.

ESD, Please, please be there for your kids. As someone whose daddy killed himself when I was a little girl, and as someone who has attempted myself, please, don't give up. I know the emptiness, the ache, the utter despair and lack of hope. I do. It's been almost 17 years since I tried to commit suicide and I am so fucking thankful EVERY DAMN DAY that I am still alive. It was so hard and worth it all to be here now.

As far as your babies, you don't understand what it will do to them if you go through with this. You don't. It's terrible. Please fight to get the help you need so you can be there for them. They need you and no one and nothing can ever replace you in their lives. You are so precious and priceless to them and I wish so much that someone had been there to talk my dad out of taking his life. Please, please. We're here for you and want to help in any way that we can.

ESD, you can be done if you cannot recover your

marriage.

How? You divorce your WW, file for custody, take

time to heal, and you will. Then you will find a

good woman.

There is no shame for you have done nothing wrong.

The shame, all of it is your WW.

Your kids need you. Them having you part time to

steer and mold their lives is better than you not

ever being there.

Hi ESD

You know, there is another option here right? You could walk away from her. I assume that you're going to say you love her, but my friend, what you are experiencing sure isn't love. It is abject misery, you are depressed and suffering sucicidal ideation. You feel hopeless, worthless, filled with despair and in your own words you are 'dead inside'.

Do you think that if you walk away from her that you could be anymore 'dead inside' than you already are, suffer more pain than you are now?

You have descibed yourself as being at rock bottom, this is no way for anyone to live and i would suggest there is only one way you can go from that position and that is up.

If you do want to stay with her, then you need to get some counselling asap, hopefully in your new area there will be access to that. I recall you saying in a previous post that her family blame you for all her problems and they would take the babies off you if you accessed treatment services for your depression/suicidal ideation. Let me assure you, as a mental health nurse, the exact opposite is true. The only reason a mental health condition would affect a persons right to custody of their children, would be in cases where the children are suffering as a result. The family courts support anyone seeking help for themselves, it it those who have an illness but refuse to seek help who are frowned upon. You are no danger to your children (unless you were very drunk or attempting suicide with them in your care etc) so seek help please.

I know she is the love of your life, none of us are on this BS board because we got dumped by an asshole we didnt love!! lol the very fact we are here and suffering is because we loved/love these cheaters. But sometimes love isnt enough, I love my husband very much, have done for 20 years, he was my world, but his behaviour was unacceptable, he broke my heart, destroyed my trust and treated me like shit in the aftermath.

I knew that I had to walk away for good in order to be happy and to protect myself, no matter how much I loved him or was hurting.

What you are doing right now is sacrificing your own happiness, self worth and opportunity to be treated with love and respect, for her. A woman who from what you describe is far from remorseful and has the bare faced cheek to comment on the financial implications of you having a few drinks, when she cheated. She wasn't that concerned about the family and the finances when she was screwing around, sorry to be so blunt but it is true.

You are only 34, still a young man with your whole life ahead of you, you deserve to love and be loved by someone worthy of you. I always remember my late granny saying to me "BD, I know it hurts to walk away, but would you rather hurt now for 12 months, or spend the rest of your life hurting by staying with him" She was a wise old bird my gran

Think about that ok, you have only been with her a few years and it does not appear to have been a bed of roses. This situation is toxic and eating away at you from the inside, it will destroy you eventually if it continues this way, trust me. Far be it from me to tell you what to do, but if I was in your shoes, I would get a job and move out for a while, stay with a friend or rent a small place, or a room in a house share. I know your first reaction will be 'NO I cant' but you CAN and you need to for your own wellbeing. Get some space from this selfish woman, she is sucking you dry mentally, physically and emotionally.

If she genuinely loves you she will know instinctively how low you are, she would have been trying to help you, instead she berates you and refuses to even be honest. I would love to slap her with a big wet fish lol!

You moving out might bring that little Madame down a peg or two, sounds like she needs a large dose of reality and a kick in the ego. there is nothing more empowering than growing some balls (or pseudo balls for us girls) and taking control. It is the last thing she will be expecting, but I suggest that it is the only way you are going to see any remorse or change in her.

If you stay there, she is going to continue to disrespect you and this will only get worse. When I first met my husband he would be terribly upset and comfort me if I was in tears. Towards the end, he used to mimmick my crying saying 'boo hoo, pathetic', look at me with contempt, he had no respect for me. The lower I became, more depressed and intoverted, the less respect he had. She will be doing the same thing, she isnt suddenly going to wake up one morning and think 'wow what a bitch Ive been, poor ESD, I love him so much, I am going to put him first now and show him how much I love him, tell him every detail he wants to hear' No sadly ESD, she is going to treat you worse as times goes on, please listen to me, I am speaking from experience. If someone had given me one wish 2 months ago, I would have wished for him back, if they asked me now 4 months on, I would wish that I had walked away years ago, before he had chance to destroy me, destroy my confidence, my feelings of self worth.

NOTHING is going to change for the better with things as they are, in my honest opinion, the ONLY chance you have of saving this marriage if thats what you want, is to walk away. In doing so you are not ending it, but making a move to try and save it. It maybe that if you do, you will realise you dont want her back and she realises she cant live without you. But I am giving you honest, genuine advice based on experience, take control with every ounce of strength you have. Walk away with your head held high, even if its killing you inside, let her realise that her behaviour is NOT acceptable. People only value and respect you if you value and respect yourself.

My friend, get up on your feet, the amazing people here will take your hand and help you up, be behind you all the way, but only you can make that move. Please consider what I have said, giving those who are hurting you the proverbial middle finger and saying F you, I am worth more, is such an empowering feeling.

Best wishes as always

ESD, so "I don't think I can hold out too much longer".

As I see it you have two choices.

1) do nothing and you know where this road is taking you (more than likely dead)

OR

2) since you feel like you can't hold out much longer you pick yourself up, and go to a Dr where you're at, and tell them what's been going on (TELL THEM THE TRUTH...the medication the Dr gave you last time.....and that you weren't honest with the last Dr). That you see there are side effects from the medication and that you are experiencing them.

ESD at this juncture WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE AS RIGHT NOW IT'S ABOUT YOU CAN POSSIBLY GAIN AND THAT'S SAVING YOUR LIFE!!!!!

You came on here April 3rd (82 days ago).

You need to WAKE THE F UP and realize you're not thinking clearly and you need help my friend with someone who specializes in rewiring your brain and if you're honest with them they can help you out of the hole you're in.

Continuing to do nothing IS NOT WORKING!!!!!!

PLEASE reach out for help.

You have not one, not two, but FOUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS who need you in their journey of life.

DO IT FOR THEM if you're not going to do it for yourself.

I walked into a treatment center.

I told them what I had been thru was too much for a person to have to deal with.

My ins covered the treatment center- I did outpatient for 2 weeks.

OMG . It was a bigger relief than me transferring my pain to my children.

In my group was a police officer, a grandfather who had lost his grandson, several betrayed spouses.

We were all counseled, put on the right meds-and monitored through the 2 weeks, plus weekend group for as long as we wanted it.

BTW your ww will continue to cheat, and will teach your daughters that’s how to be, if you are not here.

I know bc the OW in my situation- her first H murdered her boyfriend and killed himself.,you can read about it in a search of Wisconsin 1997 fireman kills fire chief.

He left an 18 month old.

Then OW met another guy, cheated on him.

Then got remarried & moved to my city-set it all up again. Pretended she was my friend for a year to screw my H and destroy me and my kids.

Fuck that bitch. I was determined she wasn’t going to force me to kill myself so she could raise MY kids. And I was in despair, buddy. Believe it.

My love for my kids is greater than my hate for her and my despair.

My kids now have very little to do w OW and their Dad.

BTW OW told someone I know she’s cheating on my XWH.

Her now 22 yr old daughter now has 3 step fathers and who knows if she’s about to have another one.

Put down the alcohol and find a way to daily walk in the light for your kids.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:11 AM, June 24th (Sunday)]

(((ESD))). Hang in there, buddy. One minute at a time. Stay here.

Your wife is a sick puppy.

But she is like heroin to you.

You’ve wrapped your life around her, thinking she’s making your life better. But in reality, she is making ur life awful, because she is not mentally ok.

How about getting away from her, get help, and possibly she will also get help?

This is a solution that has happened for many people in Alanon and Naranon.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:18 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]

I think you need a change of scenery too dear shell. You cannot go on thinking of ending your life every day. Look, isn't there something you would like to do if you aren't doing this? Is there any place you've always wanted to see? If you think you could get work in another state or even across the state and clear your mind for a time. There's no shame in taking a break.

Think of the good you could do for your kids if you found a way to be happy and healthy again. There is nothing good for them if you take your life, they will just live in pain over it. Rather than look up people who clean up after a suicide, look up a new road to be on.

I was stuck many years in work that made me so unhappy but I kept doing it because I didn't have a better idea. I'm on a new path today. It's challenging and keeps me on my toes. I don't think about my troubles. I have new friends, a new outlook. Do you have family somewhere you could move closer to? This might be the start of brand new ESD and then your kids get a great life and you don't have to miss any of it because you took a chance and found a life worth living for.

Hey buddy, thinking about you. Today's a new day. You've got this. How was your weekend?