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Hi, ESD, checking in on you.

Please, please meet with your doctor or find a new one. There IS help out there, you are in a severe depression.

Next time you come back, why don't you tell us (anonymously of course) a little bit about your precious daughters.

Sending a virtual hug and prayer.

Guys..... I can't really leave. On 4/31/18 she deliberately overdosed on booze and sedatives. I had to drive her to the hospital, and they said if I had waited ten more mins, she would be dead. Then life flighted down to billings. I took.the babies down to billings and a week later we all came back home.

I am ..... Dead inside, but I'm here still, because I can't leave my babies yet. Not without a dime to their names.

You have so much more to give your babies then just money. They'll need your help to guide them through life, to give them memories and to teach them lessons. Your job as a father is never done and if you leave them tomorrow, next week or 30 years from now, it'll always be too soon.

Hi ESD, I'm so sorry about the news of your WW's overdose, what a nightmare. It sounds like you guys are both really struggling. Please get into counseling right now. Please, just go. You have the excuse you've been looking for, it's not about you, it's about taking care of your children. Go see your doctor and just get HELP.

ESD, something to think about, you were willing to take your WW to the emergency room (and thank god you did or she would have died) but yet you won't do the same thing for yourself?

You didn't OD but per your own words "you're dying" and "you can't make it much longer".

If you TRULY love your kids, and knowing your WW is pretty messed up right now as well, one of you is going to have to RISE UP and do what needs to be done in order to be the parent/protector of those young beautiful children.

Why is it when you saw your WW OD you knew to take her to the ER (because you were trying to let one of the DR's save her life) and yet you won't do the same thing for yourself???

ESD, please GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO GET THE HELP YOU NEED!!!!

When you took your WW to the ER did you lie to the DR's and tell them you didn't know what was wrong with her? Hell no you didn't.....you told THEM WHAT WAS GOING ON (THE TRUTH) SO THEY COULD HELP HER!!!!

Do the same damn thing for yourself.

We all get it, we understand you are hurting, and it breaks our hearts to know you're in so much pain and we can't help you.

You've been on here for almost THREE MONTHS and it should be VERY CLEAR to you by now that the way you're going about this is NOT WORKING!!!!

What do you have to lose?

You're wife was Dying and those DR's saved her life.

There are DR's who could save your life as well if you would just do the EXACT same thing you did for your WW when you saw her dying.....and that's to get her to someone who could help her.

You are ODing as well but in a different way.

PLEASE ESD.......go get yourself help.

Do it because you love those babies!!!

ESD,

You are and always will be more than just a dollar symbol to your kids.

Get help for yourself. Be THEIR Hero.

k9

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:20 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]

There are many dads like you. They make it through dark times for their precious kids. That was a mercy you did when you took your wife for help. You need to find a way through. These kids should have you not a stranger raising them. They need you.

You can be the one who is the turning point towards a bright future. You will not live in pain always and you can be happy again. I saw you were posting giving help to others and so thank you for that. Through helping others, each day can be a little better than the last. I have great respect for those who give of themselves even as they struggle.

Still thinking of you ESD. Wondering how you’re doing?

Have you fancied the World Cup games? It’s a good distraction :)

Hi ESD

I totally agree with Booyah here. Those children are in the middle of two suicidal parents, in a toxic environment. This situation WILL be having a profound effect on them and continue to do so into their adult lives if something isnt done soon. Did the hospital alert child services following your wife's OD? they would have done here where I live. Now is your time to seriously seek some help, this relationship is killing you both and damaging your kids. Please excuse my language, but this is one F*cked up mess of a relationship, how can either of you look after the kids properly when you are both making attempts to end your lives?

I am seriously concerned for all your welfare, you should be too. I am not blaming you for being suicidal, but I am blaming you for not getting appropriate help for yourself and your kids. I am assuming your wife took the OD at home, since you found her, can you imagine if you had been late home that day and one or all of the kids found their mother dead? worse still if it prompted you to then go do the same, being that you are already suicidal.

If you and her cannot separate then you need to find alternative temporary care for those children. You say you cant kill yourself 'right now' as you cant leave them without money. What you two are putting them through is far worse than them being short of money.

Time to stop being selfish, man up and put them first. If you cant do that, then for goodness sake call child services yourself and ask for help. I make no apologies for stating that both you and your wife are behaving like immature, selfish parents, concerned only with how you can both kill yourselves. Please get a grip and if you love those kids, then put their welfare first. they dont need to be sitting by watching their parents competing with each other in a game of Russian Roulette!

You're making nooses, she is drinking and taking OD's! it is a ridiculous unsafe environment for children to be in. You have been here 3 months saying you're going to kill yourself, then explaining why the time isnt right, due to your consideration of others. For example, I cant go to the farm and kill myself right now as people are harvesting and working 24 hours a day there, wouldnt be fair on them to find you. Then you were going to shoot yourself, but didnt want to leave a mess for others to clean up, now you cant do it as you would leave them without money!! So you can clearly think straight about that, but not about the welfare of your kids growing up in this nightmare.

You have been given amazing advice from members here, but always seem to have an excuse as to why you cant act on it. Let me throw a few of those back at you so you can read for yourself

1) You cant leave her because you love her

2) You cant get treatment because they would take your kids off you

3) You cant move out as money is an issue

4) You cant get counselling as there is none in your area

5) Your Dr gave you the wrong medication so not working

6) You cant ask locally for help as no one would employ you if they knew

I could go on, but I want you to just read those and realise that you seem to have an excuse for everything. But you sure could get your butt down to the ER to get help fast enough when she took an OD.

Many of us feel depressed and even suicidal when we first find out about betrayal, it hurts like hell, I get it, I KNOW it. But what stops most of us is the love for our children and the fact we listen to advice and act on it. When I first came here I was a monster, hurt confused angry etc I was immediately advised to go NC. I didnt want to and my first instinct was to make excuses why i couldn't. But I then asked myself, BD why did you come here asking for help if you are not going to listen to the advice offered. Advice from well meaning people, who have been there, done that and got the T shirt to prove it. The people here are offering you so much amazing advice, but you have not followed up on any of it. That is why you are still in the same situation now as you were 3 months ago.

As a mental health nurse, I have worked with many many suicidal people over the years. I have not once encountered one who is more focused on who would clean up the mess, or thought of putting down plastic sheets to assist the clean up, or worry about getting help in case it affects future employment. I don't mean to be harsh, but someone needs to say it as it is, maybe it will jolt you into reality and into putting those kids first. The only thing i have ever known is parents who have taken precautions so that their children are not the ones to discover their body and those who have left a note regarding their will and to say goodbye.

So ESD it is up to you now, but i for one do not want to hear anymore of your gory details and intended methods. I am the most patient person with a good heart, but right now I do not support this nonsense. I will not sit here and say aww poor you anymore, it obviously isnt making a jot of difference. Get a grip, both you and your wife, the pair of you are too selfish to put those kids first. Both wallowing in huge issues and self pity, threatening to kill yourselves with scant regard for those poor children.

If this relationship is making you both so ill and unstable, then for goodness sake get out of it. You are prepared to take your life, she take hers and no doubt fight like cat and dog, whilst those children are stuck in the middle. Neither of you will leave for whatever reasons, staying in a clearly dysfunctional, toxic marriage is more important to you both than the welfare of the children you are responsible for.

So, until you quit with the drama and how you learned to tie a noose etc, I will not be enabling you any further. If and when you come on here and have a least taken one small positive step to help yourself and protect those kids, then I am done wasting my time. You are a pair of selfish, self absorbed, drama obsessed people, who quite frankly dont deserve to have precious children in your care.

I shall simply check in on your posts every few weeks/months, which i anticipate will still be the same. You, her and the details of how you're going to kill yourself when a) the weather gets better b) you have more money c) there is someone free to clean up the brain matter without being affected or d) you mastered an even better way to tie a noose and found a great place to hide it.

If and when i see that you have quit with this BS and are putting your kids first, looking for genuine help, then i will be there. Until then, my heart and concern lies solely with those poor innocent children caught up in this debacle.

Typically, boundaries don’t need to be set with people you voluntarily follow on the internet. They need to be set for yourself, such as not reading his posts.

This surprises me that you feel the need to set a boundary for a stranger online (when you can easily just not read his posts if they trigger you)- particularly after reading your first post on SI about feeling suicidal yourself.

Just don’t read his posts if you are tired of his “threats” and vents. You can make a choice not to involve yourself in the drama of others.

Frankly, as a physician, I’m a bit worried about ESD. Hi ESD, thinking of you. I get how you’re feeling. Been there myself. With better tools than most people have to do it 😂

But there exists something worth living for. Food. Sex (even if it’s by myself). Movies. Back rubs. Food. And food. Kids. And food.

ESD- there is this thing called rolled Thai ice cream. It’s worth twenty minutes of your life for sure, if you can find it.

And cheap foot rubs by people that don’t speak English and won’t expect me to give them sex in return.

And watching a funny movie. Deadpool 2 is worth it.

And then there’s hot wings. ❤️

And my puppy, who is named Noodles, and my grumpy old weiner dog who is like 80 in dog years but looks like a baked potato on tooth picks and acts like a pit bull.

And my son when he farts and says he is “cooking up more farts for” me.

And that patient whose life I saved saying thank you to me. And Las Vegas. And food.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 3:04 PM, June 29th (Friday)]

3yrsout, yes I can choose to ignore his posts and it has far from triggered me. Yes I felt very low and suicidal when I first found out, but that is normal. I didnt come on here describing in detail about how I would blow my head off, make a noose and hang myself etc. I felt suicidal, but would never have done so because I am a parent who loves her kids.

For you to even try to compare my situation with this is ridiculous. Dont you dare take what I felt on finding out and try to use it to condone this behaviour! That is disgusting and below the belt.

My concern here is for 4 children who are quite literally living day by day with 2 parents who are both suicidal and messed up,

Well you keep on supporting his 'woe is me' posts, stroking his ego as he describes the gory details of how he is going to kill himself and has been doing for 3 months.

If he was going to kill himself, he would have done so by now, instead he comes on here occasionlly to share details of how he would. Not a care in the world for those children! It is people like you who keep enabling him to get a kick out of discussing a noose and gun spatter.

I have been qualified and experienced long enough to recognise a genuinely suicidal person from an attention seeker.

Whatever, I am not giving him anymore of my time until he seeks help. You can do as you please

If I was really worried about his kids, I’d befriend him, get his info, and call CPS on him.

And btw, there is no psych organization that I know of that claims to be able to tell “real suicidal ideation” over the internet. Psychiatrists won’t even commit people over the phone. You can’t tell from an anonymous internet post.

I'm confused by your post. I haven't diagnosed him with anything, he stated categorically that he intended to take his own life and had been pre planning ie making a noose etc. You are correct, that he would not be diagnosed over the phone, however he would be visted urgently by the mental health crisis team and probably the police to conduct a welfare check.

ESD needs urgent help and with respect, it isnt ice cream or foot rubs right now, first he needs specialist intervention for the sake of him and his children. You also say you would befriend him and then report him to CPS, that is not how I approach things. I have, along with many others here, supported ESD for weeks, genuinely worried for his welfare. Now I am simply pointing out the consequences of him not seeking help, in the hope it might hopefully spur him into positive action, a little less carrot and a bit more stick.

The advice I am offering comes from a place of kindness and concern, it is offered with the very best intentions. It may seem blunt, but if that is what it takes to get him to seek help, then I'll wear the 'bitch badge' with pride.

Feel free to offer your own advice, the point on SI, is that members can take what they like and leave what they don't. It is a great mix of people here, all with similar yet different experiences. You don't have to agree with me at all, I respect your right to your opinion and I hope you can respect mine.

Whether ESD is genuinely suicidal or in despair and is crying out for help, I have no idea, but I am fully trained to recognise a person who requires professional help, over and above what we can offer here. So as I say, I am certainly not diagnosing him, I am urging him strongly to SEEK a diagnosis and get help, based simply on what he has told us here.

I for one and probably many others here would be so very upset to learn that ESD had decided to take his own life, that is why I am trying so hard one way or another to persuade, convince, cajole and now being blunt, to get him help. It is commonly referred to as being cruel to be kind and I make no apologies. We are all urging, pushing, praying and helping him to get to a better place, so please refrain from critising me personally or my advice. If you read the whole thread, you will see all the previous attempts made by so many here, myself included, none of which have worked thus far. There comes a point when you have to reassess and act accordingly, I hope you understand

Brokendreamer.

I am sorry you feel that way. I can understand how you feel and will understand when I don't see any input from you any further.

I don't ask for anything from any person on here. Though I'm very appreciative of those who do take the time to try and help. It really does help me to pull through some of the darker times.

I know many must be frustrated with my unwillingness to go seek professional help. Its just so painful to open up about it to anyone. It is so humiliating. I haven't been able to bring myself to that point yet. I know it sounds stupid to say that id rather teeter on the edge than face the real life pain and humiliation of trying to open up about this to another person. No one who hasn't been through this can really understand the depth of pain it causes. I feel like im too low to even muster the care for myself to try and get the help. But every day it gets a lil better. Two steps forward one step back. But I will make it through this.... I have to.... My babies need me.

Thank you all again.

ESD, "no one who hasn't gone through this can really understand the depth of pain it causes".

So you think a Dr who's more than likely seen countless patients suffer from this and the pain it causes wouldn't "understand"?

They may not to the degree you're experiencing it but enough so that they know the devastation it can cause and how it can kill someone if not dealt with AND this Dr would know it takes STRENGTH and COURAGE to seek out help. No need to feel humiliated with a Dr but if you feel this way you feel this way but TAKE ACTION ANYWAY ESD!!!

ESD, if you had been gunshot by your wife, you wouldn't be embarrassed by seeking help. It would be expected.

It's the same thing with the issues you are having now. A professional, who has seen all of this before, wouldn't be surprised by your trauma.

Suicidal thoughts are nothing to be ashamed of. They are, however, something to be concerned about.

These professionals are trained to help you. They want to help you. You are loved, you are special and you aren't defined by your wife.

I know many must be frustrated with my unwillingness to go seek professional help. Its just so painful to open up about it to anyone. It is so humiliating.

Here's the thing ESD - I felt JUST LIKE YOU. Had NO idea how I could talk about these things to anyone. ANYONE. The only people outside of my immediate family who know about the A are my boss, my thesis supervisor (from 25 years ago, we are still very close friends) and my psychiatrist.

The only people who know the degree to which I was suicidal are my thesis supervisor and my psychiatrist. Even WH had no clue how far down the rabbit hole I was.

I started seeing a psychiatrist because I could see that I was having trouble functioning and all I could think of was killing myself. I downloaded a picture that showed where were good places to shoot yourself in the head, likely to kill you. I bought a tarp and practiced lying on it in the bathtub, because I was going to get a gun and go do it in a hotel bathroom and leave a note outside in the room for the maid to call the police. I would get drunk and go stare at the train tracks to figure out where I should lie down on them.

I was so afraid to start seeing the psych. How was I going to start talking about things? Things I had never said out loud, things that no one knew about me? What would he think about me?

But I just went. For me, things couldn't get any worse. I was a complete basketcase, I could not function at work or at home. What was there to lose? I was doing everything I could to hang in there for my children.

So I went. I went to that first appointment. In my country, psychiatrists also do IC not just prescribe meds. I would advise finding someone like this if you can. The doc was so kind to me. I couldn't stop crying the whole time, but he just asked me some small questions and listened when I had something to say. No judgement. No pressure.

I thought it would be painful to talk about, and to some degree it was. But you have to go through the pain to get to the other side. I also felt humiliated, but it was only because I was holding myself to unreasonable standards, not the psychiatrist.

He asked if I would be willing to try some medication to help and I said yes. It took some time to find a good med cocktail for me, the meds all stopped working at some point and we had to try different ones, but I have been stable for some time now.

The doctors have already seen it all. There is nothing you can tell them that they are not prepared to deal with compassionately and professionally.

I can understand your hesitation, I really do. I can only encourage you to continue to try picking up that phone and making that appointment, either where you live now or, perhaps better if you are moving soon, to the new place. Research doctors, your insurance. Make a plan. Once you have a plan in place it will be much easier to carry it out.

Hang in there ESD. Keep going day to day, moment to moment if needed. When you wake up in the morning, instead of feeling sad that you are still here tell yourself that today you won't kill yourself. Just today. Then keep telling yourself that every day. Think of your children. They need YOU. Not any material thing that you can provide to them, but YOU. Your LOVE. Your PRESENCE. Your SUPPORT. Don't abandon them.

Get help. You can come out of this, but not alone OK? And keep posting here, we are all worried about you.

((((ESD))))

It's just so painful to open up about it to anyone. It is so humiliating....No one who hasn't been through this can really understand the depth of pain it causes.

Quoted for truth.

I'm an expert at avoidance, repression, denial, and all the other defense mechanisms. Because of them I lost 10 years of my life, 10 really important years. At the time I felt there was no other way, I just couldn't handle it. The pain was just too much.

No one understands this without having gone through it. You're right. And I remember how long I felt that the need for someone in real life to understand my pain. Letting go of that need was a big first step in the right direction for me. Because as it turns out, while I thought I wanted someone else to understand, what I truly needed was to understand my own pain. It was terrifying and torturous to start that journey, but I have people I love and would die for.

Taking your own life would be BETRAYING (you know this word well) your children you're supposed to love. Love is an action. You're clearly smart. You know you would be harming your children by killing yourself. You claim to love them. Show it. And stop referring to leaving them with money as taking care of your children; gently, that's bullshit and you know it brother.

The humiliation and pain you fear from opening up? It's built up in your head. I would guess it's largely a product of the gaslighting and abusive behaviors from your WW, but I bet you'll also discover how your childhood experiences have impacted your choices now and throughout your adult life (for me, some of these realizations have been mind-blowing). When you want to heal and choose to take those first steps, you'll wish you had started sooner. The pain is no worse than what you're going through now. And it gets BETTER.

Sending strength, you're getting there