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WhyDidI (original poster new member #63319) posted at 4:46 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
I posted in the wayward forum but I haven't gotten any responses yet. I'm hoping that this may be the correct forum.
The abridged version of my story:
I messed up like no on has ever messed up before.
The first time I thought my husband suspected I was being a slut was when he had the divorce papers delivered to me.
He says that we are definitely getting divorced, but we might have a future after.
I don't want to lose him. I will do anything to keep him. I know that this is completely my fault, and I want to fix all of it.
My question, how do I start the very beginning of the process of winning him back? Anything I do, even just trying to touch him is responded by a dirty look or worse. If I make dinner, he says he is not hungry and he and my youngest go out for dinner. I know, I've seen the fast food bags in the trash.
Please help me. I'm desperate
[This message edited by WhyDidI at 10:51 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]
kiki1 ( member #37184) posted at 4:52 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
Welcome whydidi. I'm glad you posted here as I'm banned from wayward :)
I can only share what I wished my wh would've done. Give him the truth when he asks. Learn to recognize and support him when he triggers. Get yourself into ic and stick with it. Share with him what you're processing there. Get and read the book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". Share what your learning from the book with him. Absolute NC with your affair partner. Good luck
Rideitout ( member #58849) posted at 4:53 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
Have you told him the truth yet? Written down a timeline?
If not, start there, even if he's not asking for them, providing them unprompted would be a huge step forward. Stop lying to him, and don't sugar coat the details. If you think he doesn't want to know, write 2 versions, one with the gory details (we had sex 3 times without a condom and he had an orgasm in my mouth each time) and one with the less gory version (on Oct 3rd, we met up and had sex).
WhyDidI (original poster new member #63319) posted at 4:59 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
If he has seen the texts and emails, which I think he has, he knows everything as the mistake liked to record it in all of it nastiness. I think the only time that it was not recorded was the first time
I feel so disgusting. whenever I think about it I just want to shower and get the unseen filth off me
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 4:59 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
Hello, WhyDidI. Thank you for posting. Yes, the Wayward forum is the right place to be at the moment. This will probably get moved or combined. First, though, let me recommend reading through the articles in the Healing Library. There are some very good resources there.
One quick word of caution. Your husband has just been given a massive trauma in regards to the infidelity. There are a lot of emotions running through him right now and they won't stop anytime soon.
One thing you will need to come to grips with is the potential that he doesn't want to be won back. This could be a complete deal breaker for him. He didn't ask to be put in this situation and the question of whether to R or D is squarely on his shoulders. Don't push him into any decision immediately. Many here will say to wait 6-12 months (or longer) before that is even something to decide. Remember that R is a gift given by the BS (betrayed spouse) and it cannot be demanded. Let him breathe.
Peace to you both as this is a massively traumatic experience for him and the relationship.
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
rebplay ( member #59205) posted at 5:34 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
I also want to add keep trying. Every day, every moment. I too shunned by wh for his awful actions. Your h's reality has totally been turned upside down and he truly has been a traumatic victim. Right now you're appalling to him. If you're serious about reconciling then continue to try every day. Your words don't matter much but your actions over and over. You'll have to accept his responses over and over. Do read about how to help your h heal, have total transparency hide nothing, be nice and helpful over and over even if he doesn't respond. I agree with the other response that he may not want to get back together but if there's a chance you need to do the work. Don't expect him to have to do anything in return. The hurt and pain can last years.
Tred ( member #34086) posted at 5:40 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
I'd recommend reading two threads in the Wayward forum if you haven't:
Things that every WS needs to know: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250
Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide (repost for newbies): http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622
Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:28 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
And work on yourself.
What pattern of thinking allowed you to cheat? (That's a question for you to answer for yourself or discuss in the WS forum, not in R, IMO.) What healthy pattern will replace it?
What do you need to do to change from cheater to good partner? Are you willing to do it, even if you'll never get your H back?
You can't win him back honestly unless you address and resolve your own issues.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
hurthumiliated3 ( member #56189) posted at 9:10 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
Check out the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Start reading it today, it is a very quick read. You can also listen to the audiobook if you don't like to read. It has very practical advice and can give you a starting point.
Me- BW, mid 30s
Him(Fake Husband)- late 30s, 6 week PA with COW
3 kids, 15 years married
Dday Oct 2016
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:15 PM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
I’m sorry you are in this position. I hope my suggestion helps.
The one thing I wished my H would have done was to come to me with truth and honesty. It’s waaay too late now. But at anytime in the first 3-4 months if he had come to me and said “I am sorry. I cheated and lied. I never meant to hurt you and I will try to rectify this. I don’t have any good reason why I did this but it was my own (fill in the blank here) that led me to cheat.”
And if the reasons given don’t bash the betrayed spouse / even better. I heard “we were disconnected “ until I corrected him that HE may have been but I was not.
If done lovingly it can make a difference.
But having to continue to ask questions to get answers becomes demoralizing. I’m his wife. Not the district attorney / prosecutor. That is the awful part. The amount of time we spend trying to get answers. I didn’t care how many times they saw each other or emailed or texted. But having him admit things voluntarily would have made all the difference in the world.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:49 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
rambler ( member #43747) posted at 2:15 AM on Thursday, April 5th, 2018
Hats off to any wayward who posts outside the protected forum.
You need to do NC with OM. Write a letter for your BH to approve.
Write a timeline of the affair.
Cut out of your life anyone who knew about or approved the affair.
Most important is download How to help your spouse heal from your affair by MacDonald.
It is a very short and quick read. Only 100 and something pages. People swear it saved their marriage.
MidnightRun ( member #59434) posted at 2:29 AM on Thursday, April 5th, 2018
Videos and pictures add a devastating layer to an inconsolable situation.
Apologize profusely, tell the complete truth--and hope for the best.
OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 8:38 AM on Thursday, April 5th, 2018
As undeniably miserable as you are, understand that your BS is exponentially more so. You have dropped a deadly bomb on your marriage and he is shell-shocked and mortally wounded. You are now the enemy, even if deep inside he still loves you. You will have to muster patience and empathy like never before.
I wish my WW had posted something similar to what you have, but she was so drowning in guilt and shame, which expressed itself as horrible anger, that she actually made things far worse after d-day than they ever had to be. Complete honesty, leaving out nothing being requested of you, and being willing to apologize on a dime are things most betrayeds cherish. But until he is ready, you may find you need to give him his space. Just remember, he is in extreme pain and his world has been upended. I liken it to being blinded and having the world as you knew it scrambled so you can't find your way, and you don't trust any of the help you are offered, least of all from the one who did this to you.
I hope he at least can see and appreciate that you have come clean without the kicking and screaming. That might count for something.
[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 2:40 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]
(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better
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