SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH asked me for a divorce a month or so ago. Of course I'm sad about this, but I'm not going to beg him to stay. I had caught him in two different affairs over the last few years, followed by what seemed like a lack of genuine remorse or empathy from him. I honestly feel that I did everything I could to save the marriage.

We're preparing to start the divorce process and I expected things to be relatively simple. No kids, no property, and we easily agreed on how to divide up our belongings. The only real assets left to divide are our respective retirement accounts, checking accounts, and the stock that he acquired while we were married.

During our marriage we kept our finances completely separate, and we split our expenses roughly evenly. I would say that I paid 45% and he paid 55%. His salary was generally twice what mine was, so he was able to put away a lot more into retirement and into investments.

We live in a community property state, so the laws are pretty clear and simple: everything either spouse received during marriage belongs to both parties equally, and are to be divided 50/50 upon dissolution of the marriage. I brought this up to my WH, and he became absolutely furious. Ranted that I feel "entitled" to "his" money, that I'm being "greedy." Threatened to drag things out in court just to prevent me from getting "his money." Threw all sorts of insults my way.

I'm honestly baffled by his approach, mostly because he really has no leverage at this point. There isn't a lot of legal wiggle room here - unless I agree to settle for less than 50% of the marital assets, the default is to split everything down the middle. He's the one who wants the divorce, and the only way he's going to keep more than 50% of the marital assets is if I agree to it, yet he's behaving in a way that makes me less inclined to waive my right to any of those assets. So...what gives? Where is all this anger and entitlement coming from?

I’m going to take a guess: my guess is that he never before realized the fact that despite you keeping your finances separate during the marriage, all the money would still be 50/50 when the marriage was over. My guess is that somehow he thought that if everything was kept separate during, it would stay “his and hers,” status quo.

He’s legally wrong and it’s an ass attitude besides, but that’s my guess.

I would counterclaim at-fault for infidelity and ask for a 60/40 split in your favor. Of course, I'm a rebel and get myself in trouble a lot....

He thought it would be different, and so, in his mind, it should be different, because all that really matters is his feelings and beliefs.

Be prepared for the next time he threatens this crap. You're greedy? He stole x many years of your life playing married while he was dogging around the whole time. He's playing hardball in court? Go ahead. You were willing to accept the default, but you've got enough dirt on him to get everything.

And laugh when you say this stuff, as if he's the world's biggest moron. Hopefully he'll tuck his tail and go quietly.

Like you, no kids (all adults), property....I’m doing a no fault uncontested D. In my case I don’t want anything monetary from her nor her from me. We’re not attaching to anything the other owns/is promised etc. She gave me a place to live and gifted me same. We want to split cleanly not owing each other anything. Our individual freedoms are the most important things.

If my WW is the person I’ve read about here and elsewhere- based on many, many chumped men’s testimonials, then I’m getting out of this contract/infidelity as cleanly and painlessly as possible. No adversarial conflicts needed. Some things are not worth marginal dollars of sunk costs and I chose not to go scorched earth on her. Karma is a real thing and visits twice I heard on SI.

But Yeah Sister-in your case- you punk his ass. Sounds like your narc needs a taste of a judges’ power. The courts could care less about anybody. You’re job security for them. NEXT docket!!

Depending on the state, you may only be entitled to half the contributions made after your marriage.

Too bad, so sad

I like StrongerEveryday's suggestion. Probably wouldn't work but I like it. In a 3 year marriage the pension split probably wouldn't amount to much. Given his attitude, though, I would go after everything the law says you're entitled too receive. I tend to believe in most judicial jurisdictions the betrayed spouses are treated unfairly.

Ask for whatever you are entitled to. No more no less. What he feels no longer matters to you. Concede only if YOU want to for a smoother divorce.

I didn't ask for a fraction of what I could have because I just wanted out. Because I asked for so little, I got everything I asked for. It was worth it to me to lose in order to gain my freedom and be done with him.

Looking back, I have no regrets. However, he STILL felt I should get nothing after all those years together and raising his two children from a previous marriage. He whined to anyone that would listen about how I was "taking him to the cleaners". It doesn't matter how much or little you ask for, his level of entitlement will still manifest itself.

Do what's best for you and what gives you the most peace of mind. Personally I hope you do get half of everything because you are entitled to it.

I think you should ask for more than half (for the period you were married). After all, your earning ability has been damaged by his actions; you settled for a lesser job and turned down promotions in order for his career to blossom; you're the one paying out of pocket for counseling and medications to help heal from his A. The list can be as long as you are creative and I say go for it.

You might not get more because of it but just in making the list, you'll start loving him a little less (thus, helping you heal) and maybe when he sees the list, he'll feel a little bit guilty and agree to a better settlement for you.

Especially if it buys your silence. :)

I agree that you should go for whatever the law allows in your state. In my state you would only be entitled to half of contributions made during the M as someone said, which likely would not be 50/50 of the whole, but don't give in just because he will be unhappy with it - he is the one who is causing this.

As I put in "My Story" here a few days ago, we were in a long-term M and retired, kids grown at DDay, so our retirements were already in IRAs. His was much larger and he also thought that what was "his", was his. xpos had also told me that he would make it cost ME as much as he possibly could, as if he could put costs only on me. I ended up with some of his money, which infuriated him to the point that xpos sued me more than once for money. All he got were L and court bills. I believe he is still angry about that because now his money has to pay bills for TWO, since it doesn't seem slut/one of his AP/nw doesn't have much to contribute to their M.

Good luck with dividing things, and I hope you aren't left with an ex that is angry with it as mine is. Don't, however, agree to take less to pacify him. Get what you are entitled by law to receive for the years you were M.

Don’t even talk to him about it. I let him think what he wanted, then his atty told him what was going to happen - legally. He took it better hearing it from his atty. lol

You say “we” are about to start the D process. There is no “we”, you must do this on your own.

Thanks for weighing in, everyone.

In our state the 50/50 division applies only to assets acquired during the marriage, which I explained to WH. He knows that I have no interest in, nor claim to, his premarital assets. This fury was just in response to learning that I’m entitled to half the marital assets.

In our case there actually is a sizable disparity in the marital assets despite the fact that we’ve only been married for a few years. I’m only asking for the standard 50/50 division of marital assets, and I’m surprised that he’s acting like I’m bleeding him dry. I guess it’s confirmation that he really didn’t view our marriage as a partnership.

I don't know if there is a way of linking threads. There is a discussion of a similar issue on another forum. In my experience, it is normally men who feel wronged when they realize that some of their money will go to an ex-spouse in a D.

Ugh, I hate this shit. My WW had a LTA affair that lasted 4 years in a 5 year marriage. She's entitled to 50% of the proceeds of the house we bought together. She told me several times that I can have it all and she just wanted me to get better.

Now that we are finally listing the house and she knows the values she has changed her mind and is now fighting me for half. I believe she got this idea from her IC. She is "standing up" for herself.

She was used and manipulated by OM for sex (according to her) and now she thinks I'm also manipulating her so she sees me as her enemy. I tried for over a year to R with her but that was all just a manipulation according to her. She has lost her damn mind!!!!

All I can say is that I would much rather a lawyer than her get anything after what she's put me through.

Hi everyone, I appreciate your replies. I wanted to update a bit.

Things escalated again this week when I went ahead and filed. We had a few more attempts to talk things through, and each time I stated that I want the default 50/50 asset split that's the law in our state. Each time he blew up, calling me slimy, greedy, insane, pathetic, etc. Since talking wasn't working we met with a mediator, and the same thing happened.

Once he got the petition and learned that I have an attorney, he was FURIOUS again. Called me every name in the book, said that I'm being immature and that I'm costing us money. He's been reaching out incessantly to insist that we go back to mediation. I haven't replied at all so he started reaching out to my attorney, asking her to convince me to go back to mediation. Said that he doesn't know what's wrong with me for getting a lawyer.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to spend lots of money on attorney either, but I'm at a loss. I'm just tired of being insulted by him every time we try to divide up the assets.

My lawyer had suggested for me and my idiot to have mediation with each of our lawyers present as well. My STBX is fighting that... He wants to try to settle between the two of us with our lawyers. I said ok, but to make a date for mediation in case he and his lawyer keep pulling their idiotic tricks, and that way there's still a date for that. You can try that. Does he have an attorney? Btw, I do agree with saying he is at fault for the breakdown of the marriage and he now should give 60/40. at least give yourself some leverage. You could agree to 50/50 later.

The reason he is enraged is because you are doing what’s in your best interests and he is feeling the consequences for his shit choices. Stick with your attorney and demand what the law provides you should have a right to in a divorce. Hell, demand more as long as he is going to call you names and let him sweat it out. Don’t do the deed if you can’t afford to pay the consequences!

Trying,

Your STBXWH sounds like a real piece of work. Your post has described my XWW in many ways. He's not mediation material, he will not be willing to compromise or make concessions, the keys to a successful mediation.

Let your attorney handle him. He will never feel satisfied with ANY outcome regardless of the process you use.

You are entitled to 50% of the appreciated value of ANY asset he owned prior to the M. If he owned an IRA valued at $10k prior to the M and it has increased in value since the M to $20k, you are entitled to $5k.

Waywards,,They LIE, they CHEAT, and the STEAL!

How about a big FUCK YOU IN THE ASS DOUCHEBAG!!!!!

Do not listen to whatever bullshit spews from his mouth, and do NOT settle for less than 50/50.

That's the law, he's not special.