SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He is trying to either break you or bully you into submission.

No reason at all for you to communicate with him. If there are children, get an app like “our family wizard” which can be viewed by the court.

Since you have a lawyer, there is no need to negotiate directly with him. Tell him with the exception of child related issues, all contact must go through your lawyers. Then strict NC.

This is about control, which he is losing. Ignore ignore ignore and he will soon learn he can’t get a rise out of you. Hold firm.

Thanks, everyone. We don’t have kids so this should actually be a pretty simple divorce...at least, that was my plan until he started slinging insults. Now I have an attorney.

I hope it is easy for you. You would think it would be easy for me, too. No kids, sold the house before the A... But no... He's found many ways to somehow complicate things! Fingers crossed for both of us!

Always, ALWAYS hire a competent, experienced attorney when divorcing a cheater. Trust them? Nope, don't do it. Don't wait for them to "figure it out" and document any "insults", threats or other bullying tactics. Put it in an email and do not take phone calls unless it's an emergency about your children. The sooner you get an agreement, the better and think long term, protect yourself and and your children.

Cheaters hate consequences (otherwise they'd have a discussion about how they'd like to f*ck around, but alas, they don't.) So, be prepared for threats and minimizing and hold your ground. Cheaters do you no favours in a divorce and they aren't in any "fog" - they know well what they do. So, please protect yourself with the best attorney you can afford.

Best of luck

It's been a little while and I thought I'd post an update of sorts.

He continued to rage about how awful I am for having a lawyer. It finally reached a point where I forwarded his email to my lawyer, and she communicated to his attorney that WH is not to contact me anymore.

It was nice not to have him constantly insulting me, and then I had to get in contact with him about a package that was erroneously sent to his (and my former) address. That reopened the door a little bit, and he's texted me a few times to snipe at me for "taking" HIS money. I just ignore the messages, though.

The weird thing is that now that I have some distance from his anger, I'm feeling a lot more angry myself. After everything he's put me through, why on earth does he feel entitled to dictate the divorce process? How can he possibly think that he's in a position to bully me over hiring an attorney? It's just unbelievable to me that he has the nerve to accuse me of being "shady" for hiring an attorney, after he carried on an affair with a prostitute.

He continued to rage about how awful I am for having a lawyer. It finally reached a point where I forwarded his email to my lawyer, and she communicated to his attorney that WH is not to contact me anymore.

So you are horrible for having a lawyer but he is not?

After everything he's put me through, why on earth does he feel entitled to dictate the divorce process? How can he possibly think that he's in a position to bully me over hiring an attorney? It's just unbelievable to me that he has the nerve to accuse me of being "shady" for hiring an attorney, after he carried on an affair with a prostitute.

He just gave you a gift. I peek into his psyche. He is not normal and at the moment not rational.

How dare you stop being his possession.

You go girl. I hope you hired a bulldog shark attorney that will thread his balls through a nutcracker so the WS learns to back off and respect you.

You are going to need boundaries of steel with this one. Use the legal system to protect yourself. If he is anything like FT, he will think the court orders do not apply to him. It took a few years for FT to realize I was no longer willing to be bullied or disrespected and that I would defend myself.

However, he continues the narrative that I am a f-ing bitch.

He just gave you a gift. I peek into his psyche. He is not normal

Exactly. I'm going through this exact thing right now.

My WH and yours are NOT NORMAL. Getting divorced, losing half your assets, and paying child support are natural consequences of being a liar and a dirty cheater. It's not rocket science.

Like pp said, how dare you not be his possession anymore. (Eye roll...)

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:49 AM, July 9th (Monday)]

In my case, I make almost 3 times what my WH does and the thought of splitting things 50/50 makes me crazy. We didn't split bills 50/50, it was more like 90/10 with me paying 90%. And we have no kids together so that isn't a factor.

I haven't filed for divorce yet but I did consult a lawyer when I first discovered his affair. Fortunately New York State (where I live) is an equitable distribution state, meaning that the marital property will be divided between spouses in a way that is equitable, or fair. The court decides what’s fair based on a set of factors that show what each of you contributed to the marriage and what each spouse will need to move forward after divorce. The division does not have to be equal to be considered fair.

Trying297

You sound like you are going admirably. Mine tried the old "let's not go for lawyers" type of thing either. I'm so glad I didn't heed that after I found out about the A. So your X has a lawyer but you're a monster for having your own?

What keeps being demonstrated to me, with my own cheater, and with what I read about others, is the complete and utter sense of entitlement. Rules don't apply to them, but they do to you. They're allowed to do what they want without consequence, but you're not. I'm glad you're getting angry, it is a sign of healing and developing boundaries.

Try to use these emotions to detach and move on. Life will be so much sweeter, eventually, without lies and infidelity.

My state is also equitable distribution, and Xhole was unemployed at the time of divorce (though he had a work history of making comparable to me). I got screwed with child support, but fortunately I didn't need it anyway.

Even though I could have asked for more in assets to compensate for his decades of dissipation of assets (spending on the As), I made the decision that I just wanted out. Worked the settlement so it appeared to be fairly even in looking at the net bottom line, but I use the term "worked" rather loosely. HE was not about to spend time putting together valuations of stuff. I did. And they *may* have been somewhat skewed in my favor. Just sayin.😁

Bottom line, magistrate nor judge batted an eye because it appeared almost equal. And that included me getting marital home and all equity, which was my "must have."

Are you sure you're not married to my WH!!!! He went crying to his lawyer who told him- what you think is fair and what the law is are 2 different things- you have to come to terms with that, because if you go to court it'll be worse.

The idiocies of individuals like your STBXH that cheat and then get what they asked for or resulted from their actions is mind blowing. When they wake up and then do not like their individual cost of the betrayal and discarding the marriage they become abusive. Such behavior is harmful and actually very telling.

I am glad distance has allowed you to develop anger. We need to see our WSs for what they are. Please get what you are entitled to by law. Do not accept anything less. No contact is a blessing. Please post when you need support. We are here for you.

If he contacts you again like that, send it back to your lawyer. You didn't give him permission to insult you when you had to ask about a package. Don't let him abuse you. You did nothing wrong and aren't doing anything wrong now. All he has to do is look at his own behavior to see why lawyers are involved.