MrMagnolia posted 4/14/2018 09:18 AM

I think it's more than fair to be deceptive if you need to keep her from causing a scene. We all wish we could be there with you as well.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 09:22 AM

I have to make a few calls, if I'm going to get FIL here I need to get him moving. I'm due to talk to my CO and the Group CO shortly, I'm going to put this on their radar too. I'll check back here later. This little online community has been and continues to be a great help. Many thanks to all.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:56 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

Unhinged posted 4/14/2018 09:25 AM

Good luck today, Commander. I salute you.

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 09:26 AM

If this a limited access area is there a way to have dependents checked by station security. You could ask for her to be stopped on the basis of separation.

Another idea is a couple of your friends and their wives out of unit to stop her from intruding. Maybe ask the Chaplin to step aside with you if she approaches and ask her to leave and meet with you in a private setting. This might give the illusion of possible reconciliation but the courtesy meeting would be to say. The papers said what Everything needed to be said. I am asking you to use your dignity you seem to have forgotten and do what the papers say. Then walk away.

I have a feeling that tone is going to be I made a mistake. This crazy show would have happened even if your in laws were told today.

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 09:28 AM

Scarlett and MrM said it your irl team is there and we are as well.

You have had the best tactical training in the world. Keep in mine this is about thriving in your future.

devotedman posted 4/14/2018 09:33 AM

"It's not what it looks like"
"Please please please don't do this"
"I've never loved anybody but you"

Well, it apparently wasn't an exit A, or if it was then she wanted it on _her_ terms.

She's minimizing, gaslighting, lying, and begging, alternatively. She thinks that she has some measure of control in this situation and is trying to get more control. Which means that she's busy coming up with a narrative that makes this more acceptable from her point of view.

This is what I was alluding to in my last post. You cannot believe one word that she might say because she is feeding you false intelligence to alter the outcome to one that she has more control over than she does in the current situation and outcome.

Remain certain that you've got the truth, she just doesn't realize that yet. She took your agency with her lies and she broke your personal narrative with her betrayal. That's what accounts for the inevitable "wtf just happened?" sort of feeling and the rage.

Good luck with today, I'm sorry that you are having to go through it. Can she be barred at the entrance gate?

You have my respect and I'd be honored to shake your hand. Stay true to yourself and you'll come out of this okay.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 09:35 AM

I was never trained for this, PP. I'm not clear about how I'm compromising my dignity. In your view, is deception not justified? A hysterical cheating stbxw seems like a thing to avoid at almost any cost.

WilliamM posted 4/14/2018 09:39 AM

Maybe I am the only one to feel this way but I would have FIL tell her not to come and that you will talk to her one time once you get back from San Diego. You need to know where her mind is at. Last month a WW committed suicide. So getting her mindset could prevent that. After that then gong except when talking about divorce.

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 09:41 AM

You trained for war tactics. None of this trained for this. Yes, deception is justified. Use your weapons to come out with the least damage. Your goal is protecting the unit. That is you. Part of what makes the unit hopeful for the future is career changes.

Do this to protect the unit aka you. Do not engage except on your terms.

devotedman posted 4/14/2018 09:44 AM

I'm assuming that your dignity reference is to PricklePatch's statement:

This might give the illusion of possible reconciliation but the courtesy meeting would be to say. The papers said what Everything needed to be said. I am asking you to use your dignity you seem to have forgotten and do what the papers say. Then walk away.

Which I read like this:
This might give the illusion of possible reconciliation but the courtesy meeting would be to say:
(You speaking to WW) "The papers said what Everything needed to be said. I am asking you (WW) to use your dignity you seem to have forgotten and do what the papers say."

Then walk away.

I agree with you that a scene is really something to avoid at all costs. Your WW has almost nothing to lose by creating a scene and you have a lot to lose by being in one. Your WW either realizes or just doesn't care because she's seeing her carefully-constructed house of cards collapsing.

eta: Sorry, PricklePatch, I didn't realize that you were still actively reading the thread when I offered my interpretation. Wasn't trying to put words in your mouth.

[This message edited by devotedman at 9:46 AM, April 14th, 2018 (Saturday)]

Unhinged posted 4/14/2018 09:45 AM

What??? They don't teach surviving infidelity at Annapolis?

Sun Tsu said: "There is no limit to deception in warfare."

Deceive away, skipper!

RubixCubed posted 4/14/2018 09:46 AM

re: Devoted 's "dignity" explanation above. ^ That's the way I took it as well. I think some quotation marks got left out.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 9:47 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]

TimSC posted 4/14/2018 09:49 AM

Before you call FIL, inform all COs of the situation. Everything about the situation.

Tell them STBXW has texted you that she will be attending the event and you do not know how she intends to act while there.

Ask them what they think you should do. Volunteer to leave so your shitshow does not taint the homecoming of all the other families.

Sanibelredfish posted 4/14/2018 09:53 AM

You should probably just stay silent, but ’d be tempted to reply as follows:

”It's not what it looks like"

Really?!? Is it what it sounds like? Because I have audio too and I know what it looks and sounds like to me.

”Please please please don't do this"

Do what? End a M based on vows you’ve completely betrayed for at least the last six month? Don’t do that? OK, but I really don’t have to end the M because you already ended it with your A. I’m just finishing the paperwork.

”I've never loved anybody but you"

Is that why you made sure to spend time with him on both Christmas Eve and Christmas? Yes, I believe the general consensus is that the holidays are for spending special time with people we don’t love.

MidnightRun posted 4/14/2018 09:56 AM

Deception? Not a chance.

"ALL is fair in love and war."

Bottom line: win, opponents be damned.

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 09:59 AM

You said everything needed to be said, Devotedman. Our worth as a community is to help each other by discussion and sometimes disagreement.

LTC, Devotedman is very wise in his posts. He is advise is gold.

20yrsagoBS posted 4/14/2018 10:01 AM

We’re sending you strength, to get through today. I hope you can feel the SI Army behind you

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 10:01 AM

The dignity I was speaking of is a statement to be made to from you to her. Tell her to use her dignity, she seems to have forgotten, tell her to walk away.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 10:02 AM

PP, it's all too easy to miss the intent of typed words on the screen. I get it now, I was just confused when I first read that.

ICaughtThem posted 4/14/2018 10:04 AM

"It's not what it looks like"
"Please please please don't do this"
"I've never loved anybody but you"

Bravo, Lt. on how you've handled this, and that's not just the name of a Company.