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Home From Deployment to Hell

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RockstarDad posted 4/14/2018 18:53 PM

Xhr700, kinda disagree here. No contact with her is not treating her as subhuman. I think it treats her as someone who is no longer a friend or a wife. Her shame/guilt is her problem and her families problem not his. No reconciliation or kids here. If he was swearing/degrading being horrible to her that would be wrong. No contact is just that no contact.

Unfortunately your relationship with the FIL will be short lived. You are being very stand up guy but don't go over the moon for him. He will always love his little girl too no matter what and will want to take what version makes him feel a bit better as a father even if she is in the wrong, he has to minimize it to feel better about himself.

Atrowspark posted 4/14/2018 18:57 PM

I feel bad for you FIL. I think he is a good man that got dealt a really shitty hand by his own daughter. His daughter put him in this humiliating position of begging you to talk to her. I believe he has empathy for you, otherwise he wouldn't have teared up when you broke the news to him.

TimelessLoss posted 4/14/2018 18:58 PM


I'd feel a whole lot better if there was someone there that had your six.

RockstarDad posted 4/14/2018 18:58 PM

Maybe just after to listen and hear them out. Give short responses per prior post and then say I agreed to listen, your still lying/ making excuses, I take half the responsibility for a good marriage I take none for your affair. Thank your mother and father in law for there presence in your life and that you will miss them and then say all further communication will be through my lawyer and stand up and walk away.

SCARLETT94 posted 4/14/2018 19:00 PM

I think Booyah came up with an excellent compromise.
You are still talking to her as you promised your FIL just not face to face.

xhz700 posted 4/14/2018 19:02 PM

Xhr700, kinda disagree here. No contact with her is not treating her as subhuman.

At no point did I say that NC is treating her as subhuman. If he never looked in her direction again, I wouldn't blame him.

My comment was because he seems like a decisive guy, who has made a very rigid decision, and I didn't want his conversation with her to be about hurting her. She's already hurting, and that's all on her, but she's a human being.

I still, a long time after, have a pretty good desire to turn the screws, to hurt her as much as I hurt. I can look myself in the mirror and be proud because I never did.

TimelessLoss posted 4/14/2018 19:07 PM

^^^^ this from RSDad. It fulfills your word to meet. Simple in execution. Exit/end is fully within your control.

Remmember: "No" is a complete sentence. And absolute silence is an acceptable response. If asked questions say, "I came here at your request to listen".

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 19:08 PM

Goal met! Well done. You handled yourself with good conduct and prevented a scene at the homecoming in front of your Flag Officers.

Here is the tricky part it isnít in your nature to go against your promises. You made a promise to another officer. He did what you asked and prevented a scene. I image he is now convinced after seeing his little girl crying to act as go between.

I figure with your sense of honor you will do it. Address her Father not her. Tell him sir you requested I be here. I am keeping my promise to you. That keeping promises are what you do.

That vow keeping is critical to your mental health.

Question do you need answers or just cut off? If you want answers prepare a list. Give no hope.

Your in laws are now not your friends. Sorry to say, that is their baby.

i Would consider having your attorney write and deliver a certified cease and desist letter to all contact except through them.

Look at the list of sentences Timeloss prepared for you to say.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 7:30 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 19:09 PM

Me to get a friend to go with you. Or call the Chaplin meet there.

MidnightRun posted 4/14/2018 19:12 PM

Per your word, keep the meeting--but keep it brief, letting them have their say with no response from you.

Then walk away.

They become history.

Freeme posted 4/14/2018 19:13 PM

You did great. If you decide to go through with meeting her I'd choose someplace public. I'd set some ground rules - If she gets out of control you are leaving, if she starts lying you are leaving, if she starts sobbing and can't communicate... you get the picture.

I'd let her do all of the talking. Do not engage, do not interrupt, just let her talk.

If it's all lies - Just tell her that you have proof that she is lying and that renders the conversation pointless... and leave

If it's all begging for another chance, let her finish and tell her that there is nothing she can do to earn back your trust so the marriage is over. Leave

Don't let it get into a back and fourth arguing and leave as quickly as you can.

Do you think her parents know the extent of the affair or do you think she convinced them it was just one night?

ZenMumWalking posted 4/14/2018 19:14 PM

LtCdr - congratulations on your new 'chest candy'!! I hope that your speech went well.

If you do end up meeting with the 3, a few things to keep in mind:

- if (when?) she begs you for another chance, all you have to say is 'not gonna happen'. She's not sorry she did it, she's sorry her cushy world has exploded

- as a previous poster said, practice some phrases like 'I'm sorry you feel that way', do NOT give her any in to your emotions

- don't 'JADE': justify, argue, defend, explain. You don't owe her/them ANYTHING. She fucked another guy IN YOUR BED. You have the proof of it. You have nothing to explain to them

- another way of saying this: DO NOT ENGAGE. Let them say what they want, then take your leave. On your way out, you can tell bitch whore that anything else she has to say she can say to your lawyer. The end.

Let your friends keep you afloat while you are suffering through this and getting used to a new normal. I know that there are plenty of women that would feel very lucky to be in a relationship with you.

Be well.

Chicky posted 4/14/2018 19:16 PM

...I didn't want his conversation with her to be about hurting her. She's already hurting, and that's all on her, but she's a human being.

LtCdr has behaved with nothing but dignity, respect, and honor since he arrived here. She ripped his heart out and there's a lot he could have done to her (and still could do) but it's apparent he is cutting his losses. He's made his position clear. His STBX and her parents are thinking only of her and what's in her best interests. If they cared one bit about LtCdr, they never would have intruded on today's events and tried to play on his sympathies and what he "owes" her, which is laughable. He doesn't owe her a thing, human being or alien.

SCARLETT94 posted 4/14/2018 19:21 PM

I'm sure they do care about LT.
It has to be hard on them to lose a member of their family through no fault of their own.

I and many others would take a lot of pride in a son in law such as LT.
It would hurt to lose him.

Chicky posted 4/14/2018 19:22 PM

Point taken Scarlett but I still say it was selfish to come.

eta: Not the time or the place given the circumstances.

[This message edited by Chicky at 7:22 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

SCARLETT94 posted 4/14/2018 19:24 PM

Chicky I may be wrong but I think LT asked the in laws to be there because he knew she was coming.

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 19:28 PM

The problem here is that LCL mental state was shaken, as he was in tactical command position of a team. It was not just his life she put in jeopardy but a unit of men and god only knows how many civilians if he made a mistake.

That doesnít mean I think an enlisted man getting the same crap pile would be any better.

Is infidelity ever fair. Should he give her kindness. He did by getting her support yesterday instead of today. He told her parents the truth. Now he needs to be clear, her mental health is in their hands. He owes her no more.

Would we expect any other betrayed to hold their WW hand. No, is it kind to be clear I am done. We made vows of fidelity you broke them. I do not offer you the GIFT of reconciliation. If he striping her along that would be unkind.

Chicky posted 4/14/2018 19:32 PM

You're right but...FIL is former military and he knew the situation. I feel he should have used whatever influence he had on his daughter to make her stay home. My H is former military and so is my dad. I've been to many reintegrations and they are not the place for a bunch of drama, which I am sure her dad knew. On top of that LtCdr is the OIC. The more I think about it the more I am just shocked that FIL didn't redirect his wayward daughter.

eta: Now that I think about it, I think she showed up because she knew how reintegrations are from previous deployments. I think she was banking on the fact that LtCdr wouldn't ignore her or allow a scene because of his position and his superiors and his subordinates.

[This message edited by Chicky at 7:35 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

Shockedmom posted 4/14/2018 19:33 PM

You are an honorable man,you deserve an honorable wife. She disrespected you and desecrated the marriage you shared while also harming another family. She is not worthy of a drawn out discussion excusing her behavior.

Congratulations on your new chest candy, Iím sure it is well deserved. You have shown true strength navigating through this cluster. Good luck this evening.

Booyah posted 4/14/2018 19:35 PM

You said previously she was served. Divorce papers only, or did you have pics the PI took as well as the audio you played your MIL?

If only divorce papers does she know the evidence you have?

Wondering if FIL and MIL would tell her about the audio.

Nothing good will come from a face to face right now.

Speak to her on the phone. Let her spew her "It's not what it looks like", and then play her the tape and say, "I know what it sounds like" (and in our bed) and I know what it looked like to the neighbors.

Wish her well and again any further dialogue goes through your attorney.

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