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Home From Deployment to Hell

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RockstarDad posted 4/15/2018 12:38 PM

So points of general agreeance in advice.

Less contact the better

Your a honorable man and acted honorably when it wasn't earned.

Seek professional help the roller coaster is coming (you've been on it but I don't know if you've seen the highs and lows yet). It sucks but it gets better trust me.

Your going to be ok. I will venture one farther and say in 5 years you will be better than you ever were. More happy than you ever felt before. Your going to rock this like nothing you've done before.

I envy the way you are handling yourself. You are the man. It doesn't make what happened feel better right now, but later on it will. Your going to be happy. I'm sorry it sucks now.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 4/15/2018 13:06 PM

Ditto what 'still-living' said, "...cheating on a deployed a military spouse should be a federal crime."

I agree. To me any infidelity is cruel but to cheat on a deployed spouse is unconscionable. I could never. I would be pining for my husband and praying for his safe return.

I think the way you've handled everything, your steadfastness, the execution of your plans, was stunning. Your focus for months has been on planning and waiting and now that it has come to fruition the emotions are going to come into play. I have no doubt you will be able to navigate through it all.

Take care of yourself, God bless and believe that better times are ahead for you. You are inspiring to many here and I wish you the best.

LtCdrLost posted 4/15/2018 13:09 PM

I'm writing out a more complete account of last night, I'll post it shortly. I'm finding there is a therapeutic benefit in writing this. I can't explain that.

TimelessLoss posted 4/15/2018 13:12 PM

Her betrayal doesn't have to define your life because how you handle the adultery becomes truly defining for the rest of your life. I expect you may come to see yourself as stronger and more resilient than you thought possible given the shit storm handed to you.

TimelessLoss posted 4/15/2018 13:16 PM

I'm finding there is a therapeutic benefit in writing this. I can't explain that.
My opinion is that it is a form of release to get it out of your brain. Many members use journaling. It helps show progress because you can look back over time at what you wrote.

Deserta posted 4/15/2018 13:19 PM

I'm finding there is a therapeutic benefit in writing this. I can't explain that.

Many people feel the same, but in your case you've known about the affair for a long time and had to compartmentalize it in order to function. Even now, I'm betting that no one you've spoken to in real life knows everything. On this forum you've been enabled to talk about anything and everything on your mind, like talking to a counselor. That's one of the benefits of this forum, there are people here willing to listen and empathize.

northeasternarea posted 4/15/2018 13:21 PM

All the best to you. Throughout the turmoil, you have carried yourself with dignity and grace. Make the rest of you life the best of your life.

PricklePatch posted 4/15/2018 13:47 PM

I truly feel for you. You handled this with honor. Those words mean nothing in the whole of it.

I am glad you have multiple appointments with the Chaplin lined up.

The sad fact we often learn is that the person we married has virtually left the their body.

Your friend was a real friend to you letting you know.

I believe your FIL did you a solid. Despite not wanting to see her, feeling horrible at seeing her I think you will heal better.

I do not doubt your WW will have a mental breakdown. When that happens be prepared for the in laws to appeal to you to save their Baby. It is up to you how to handle it. While this should be all about you the victim, it just became about them saving their daughter.

Talk that through with the Chaplin. A choice to engage or a choice to tell them take her and check her into mental health.

LtCdrLost posted 4/15/2018 13:54 PM

The following is a more complete account of the meeting with my stbxw and her parents. It's not a verbatim transcript from the VAR, I did not transcribe 72 minutes of tape. This will however, flesh out the synopsis I posted late last night. I had just finished a 90 minute run when I posted last night and after the day or two I've had even the endorphins from the run could only carry me so far. I closed the blinds, did not set the alarm, and slept for 9.5 hrs straight. I can't recall the last time I did that. Today I'm just resting, reading, staying hydrated, and eating. Other than for chow I probably won't leave my quarters.
The next two days will be filled with debriefs, after action critiques and tomorrow I'm back to my rigorous PT'ing. On Wednesday I'm disappearing from this area for two weeks. The Navy knows where I'll be, no one else.
I have formally requested a permanent change of duty station, every indication is that it will be granted and I'll be in Coronado sometime in the next 120 days.

This might be a little long but I understand what paragraphs are, ha ha...

Last evening with a few minutes to spare in the 2 hour window I had agreed to, I called stbxFIL and set up our meeting at a nearby Officer's Club where I had arranged the use of a small private dining room. I asked him what exactly he was hoping to accomplish by this face to face talk, he just said "Son, "A" (From this point I'm using her actual 1st initial) is going crazy to talk to you and try to explain herself. She wants to make this right with you" Alright Sir, I'll see you there.
I drove to the O/C, I saw them walking through the front doors as I parked, I walked into the private room less than 5 minutes after them.
"A" immediately got up and tried to hug me. I put my right hand out and said "What are you doing? Please sit back down!" Her Mother gasped, "A" immediately began crying. Great, I thought. I'm going to regret doing this. She's a beautiful woman, and the last time I saw her before yesterday she was my loving wife (as far as I knew). I admit I wanted that embrace but that can never happen again... What I know I really want, what my heart truly craves, is the wife I had seven months ago, the woman I thought she was.
In any event, I quickly rearranged the seating. I asked that her parents move to her side of the table, with "A" between them. I sat directly across from "A". This wasn't formally an interrogation, but I needed to watch their faces, the looks and the glances they exchanged.
I looked directly at my FIL and said Sir we're here because you approached me this afternoon, why don't you begin. Tell me what this is intended to accomplish? "A" spoke right up and said "Baby, I just need to explain myself to you, I need to apologize for a terrible mistake I made!"
Go ahead, I said.
"It was just a weak moment and I was lonely, I'm so sorry. I wish I could turn back the clock. We can put this behind us if you'll just let us..."
So, in this "weak moment" (I was gagging as I said that), why didn't you call *****?" (one of the wives "A" has been close to for years)
"I don't know. I've replayed it in my mind a thousand times... Baby this was a single bad thing in over 16 years together, please please don't walk away from us!"
"A", there is no "us" anymore. You killed that the first time you spread your legs for AM1c **** ******. (she visibly blanched at my referring to her fuckbuddy by his Rating & name)
"Oh my God..."
Did you know ****** is married himself? With young children? (the tears are now flowing. MIL has her arm around "A", FIL is turned in his seat staring at her) Put ****** out of your mind "A", the JAG and his CO are dealing with him. Known adulterers don't go very far in the Navy. (hysterical sobs) I got up at this point and went to the bar for a pitcher of ice water and some glasses. The bartender offered to send it in with a waitress, I thanked her and said I'd carry it myself. I came back in 4-5 minutes. When I walked in, "A" had composed herself, MIL still had her arm around her, I noticed their chairs were now each hard against the other. OK, I thought, she's going to need her Mother.
I sat down, poured a glass of water, and set it in front of "A". Her face lit up for the briefest of seconds and my heart just turned over in my chest. Damn. I still love that woman. Why did she have to do this? But, forging onward...
I said: So "A", this was a one night stand? Is that what you're telling me? Be truthful.
"Yes, yes, baby I'd do anything to take it back..."
I reached down for my briefcase, set it on the table & unlocked it. I got out a thick ringbinder and opened it in front of me. Folks, I said, I want you to all just listen to me now. Please don't interrupt me. "A", you need to stop lying right now. To me, to your parents, and probably to yourself. I've known about your illicit affair with ******* since just after last Thanksgiving. November 25th to be specific. Someone who knows us both saw you walking hand in hand with ****** coming out of a theater and took a photo, which I received. I authorized surveillance of you the following week. Have you forgotten who you were married to? I then began to read portions of the timeline which I had highlighted in my first readings of the reports. The waterworks began, slow but steady. I read dates, times, locations, observed activities. Lots of cited "dates" I guess. Dinners, movies, going to bars, etc... I read of a trip to Baltimore in December, including what hotel they stayed in. I read of a trip to Annapolis in January, including what hotel they stayed in, a trip where they visited my alma mater. Really, "A"? You took your fuckbuddy to the Naval Academy? WTF was that all about... I read out loud of the time spent by them in our house on the afternoon of Christmas Eve. (from 1335-2115), I read of the 90 minutes they spent there on Christmas Day (from 1120-1255). I skipped ahead to last Tuesday and last Wednesday nights and his nearly 0400 departures on those nights. By this time the waterworks are in full flow. I look at her Father, he's staring at me with what I guess is the geriatric USAF ret'd version of a DS face. Fine motherfucker. I have a real DS face. I put my gameface on the old man until he looked away. (DS face = "death squad" face). I just sat there, looking at the three of them. "It's not what it looks like", keened "A" through the sobs... FIL: "J, I think we've seen enough" I ignored the old man. It's not what it looks like, "A"? Because let me tell you what it looks like. It looks like you played wife for the past 6 months to an enlisted Airedale. A married enlisted man with young kids. WTF is wrong with you? "A": "I don't know!" If that's not what it was then you tell me, right now, what it was! Just unintelligible sounds through the sobs. I now placed 25 photographs on the table, I have none in my possession of a sexually explicit nature, but many are extremely incriminating). Her Father's full attention is on them, he picks a few up to examine.
"A": "Please please please don't give up on us, how can you just walk away from 16 years together?" A, that's exactly what you did. You walked away from our marriage straight into another man's bed. I looked at my MIL, "M", did you tell "A" about the tape you made me play for you on Friday? The one made in our bedroom, in our house? "M": "No." You should have. "A", how many times did you bring ****** into our house? I have a good idea, at least since the 1st week in December, but what I don't know is how many times you fucked him in our bed. Please, enlighten me. How many times did you fuck ****** in what was our martial bed? "A" began short, shallow breaths, she went into hyperventilation right in front of me. I watched her closely & observed there was actual respiration taking place. I gathered the photos, put them and the ring binder back in my briefcase. and got up from the table. I said "A" I don't have the the words to express the regret I have that our marriage came to this." Through her hyperventilating "A's" eyes were on mine. She heard me. I said, Goodbye, "A". I nodded at her Mother, who looked absolutely shell shocked, and I walked out of the room. Her Father followed me out. He extended his hand and thanked me for coming, I acknowledged that and told him any further communication needs to be through counsel. He asked: "So there's no chance at all, J? Married couples have gotten past worse than this." No sir, there's not. I've requested PCS and I want this part of my life over with and behind me ASAP. He did inform me that "A" will be living with them for the time being, she's requesting a sabbatical from her job.
So now it's in the hands of the lawyers and the civil courts of this state. There are no kids involved, she earns a higher base salary than I do and her retirement is equal to if not better than mine so I'm going for no spousal support and for neither of our retirements to be involved in the dissolution of the marriage. I'm willing to let her remain in the house as long as she'd like, then have it sold, proceeds to be split equally. My attorney is aware I paid off the mortgage with an inheritance I received several years ago so I'll see where that path leads.
Folks, I'm going to take a short break but I'll read any & all comments and I will be back here tomorrow when I'm able.
Be well and take care. - LCDR Lost.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 1:53 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

ZenMumWalking posted 4/15/2018 14:08 PM

Great job sir. ((((LtCdr))))

Chrysalis123 posted 4/15/2018 14:16 PM

I am so sorry she did this to you. She has caused immense damage to you, and I'm so sad for you that you are suffering through the assault of a betrayal.

You handled this brilliantly, Sir, but I hope in the privacy of your home and life you can work through your grief. I'm hoping your chaplin or therapist can be a sounding board for you as you move through the stages we all have had to go through as we cope with something as devastating as infidelity. Our goal here is to survive infidelity. You just got yourself to stage one...you exposed and started the wheels in motion to get out of the marriage. The surviving part is next and know it is a marathon not a sprint.

Please take extra special care of yourself, and do not hesitate to post as much as you want.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 2:17 PM, April 15th (Sunday)]

Chicky posted 4/15/2018 14:18 PM

One word: Bravo!

fareast posted 4/15/2018 14:26 PM

I canít imagine how difficult that must have been for you, but you handled the scenario extremely well. As you move forward you can know that you put everything on the table and their can be no misunderstanding by the people in that room. I admire your discipline and focus. And in the long run I think the way you shut down her lies and attempted to minimizing, will actually help your WW move on as well. There will be no illusions that her parents do not know what she did. If your WW has any capacity to face her own shame and guilt and rebuild her life honestly, she need only reflect on the truth you gave her as a basis to get therapy and work on her brokenness. Well done. Damn, I wish I could have served in your unit.

Shockedmom posted 4/15/2018 14:27 PM

I have no words beyond sending you hugs from a sister of SI.

ramius posted 4/15/2018 14:35 PM

Well done sir.

You can now leave the marriage with everything you brought into it.


Coronado awaits. Plenty of nice ladies there.

Perhaps in a few years you can have a little "LtCdr" running around.

longsadstory1952 posted 4/15/2018 14:37 PM

This was painful to read. I guess what bothers me the most is that the last words you will ever hear from her on the subject are lies and minimization and guilt dumping. So sad. So very sad.

I guess there is no good way to end a marriage. From her standpoint it's the worst. From yours, given the hand dealt you, it's as good as can be expected.

Press on.

devotedman posted 4/15/2018 14:40 PM

"A" spoke right up and said "Baby, I just need to explain myself to you, I need to apologize for a terrible mistake I made!"

"I need..., I need..." The selfish is strong with this one. And she tried to take control right away, and I'd guess that you've some experience with what happens when you lose control of a conversation because you didn't relinquish control and kept it throughout.

Perfect job. I'm sorry that it was yours.

Booyah posted 4/15/2018 14:40 PM

You handled that incredibly.

The journey towards healing your heart and soul can now begin.

The path forward will be rough at times, but I have faith that you're going to come out of this ok.

annb posted 4/15/2018 14:42 PM

Well done, just please be prepared for this emotional roller coaster from hell to continue for awhile.

Lean on those who will give you as much support as possible. Make sure you go to IC.

Enjoy your time in San Diego, and please check in when possible to let us know how you are doing.

Carry on.

WilliamM posted 4/15/2018 14:44 PM

You did exactly what I was hoping. And you did it perfectly. Now take care of yourself. Your mental health is vital. But you are on top of that too. You make me proud to have men like you serving this great country.

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