SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In a completely frustrating way I think it does make sense. I'm going to set all this into motion over the next 48-72 hours. I'm also going to bring my package to the rendezvous with the CMC of his command and any other CPO's he believes should see it. Because on the bottom line, making Chief is not a given. If I'm any judge of character (and I believe I am), a blue falcon like this, who will carry on a long term affair with a deployed man's wife, should never be a Navy Chief. Ever. Just like I should never see another promotion if I was the amoral shitbird in this sorry situation.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:30 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

Oy. I guess you’d say I am (was) on the opposite side of where you are LtCdr. I am the one that “stayed back” while my wife was deployed (to Kuwait) just after 9/11. It took her all of about a month or so before starting her affair (in a technical war zone, no less). They were both officers, but not in same unit. Oh…and get this: she was fucking JAG attorney. Go fuckin’ figure.

I was nowhere near as decisive as you are…in fact I essentially imploded. But ultimately I did manage to locate my balls and filed.

I didn’t initially have the wherewithal to consider contacting JAG. By the time it had seriously occurred to me…she had mustered out. I’m not even sure a civilian could have done such a thing and based on a comment herein, I might just as well have pissed into the wind. I will say…she was mighty concerned that her fuckbuddy’s wife WOULD contact JAG. Oh….how I would have loved to have seen all that.

Would this all be different if I was a corporate type, or an attorney or an engineer? I'll never know the answer to that.

Well…I would be the engineer in this scenario. And so I will provide the answer for you: No….it’s not really any different.

Anyway…so sorry to see you here. It’s quite the shit sandwich, as they say around these parts. I am pleased to hear there are no children. That saves some untold grief on some innocents, and it saves you a considerable amount of grief as well (and makes things a damned sight easier).

Sounds to me you have an excellent plan. I’m pretty sure you don’t get to LtCdr (and soon to be Cdr) without having a fair bit of smarts. I’m sure you’ll cover all your bases and protect yourself and your career.

And, by the way, congrats on your future promotion! What’s the saying…..”fair winds and following seas”.

This is the saying, sir. And thank you so much.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:31 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

Because on the bottom line, making Chief whether in a Team or a Squadron, or hell in an 01 shop, is not a given. If I'm any judge of character (and I believe I am), a blue falcon like this, who will carry on a long term affair with a deployed man's wife, should never be a Navy Chief.

I understand the sentiment. A man like that is untrustworthy. The same is true, I think, for officers, flag officers, lawyers, doctors, polic officers, governors, congressmen, CEOs of major corporations... presidents (and we've quite a lot of cheaters in the oval office). Infidelity certainly belies a lack of character.

BTW, congratulations on the early promotion.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:10 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

LtCdr, you have a good tactical plan. I expect that plan extends beyond the Friday detonation, re: logistics, living arrangements, going dark with her.

You paid a lot of benjamins for the PI, so s/he is not a bottom feeder. The PI handled home access properly. I expect you had a disciplined professional who knew the limits of state/federal law. Just run the evidence, evidence gathering, and documented end of surveillance by your atty. No need to get your crank jammed up.

There is a pretty standard set of behaviors on the part of cheaters after they are exposed. She'll blow up your phone, and failing that, she may try to have her parents contact you. You'll be immune to the tactics if you go dark, no contact, with her. All communication can be done through your atty.

Loving bombing, trying to put you in a pu$$y coma, isn't going to be a factor in your case.

Separating finances is key. Look to change beneficiaries for your life insurance. Review your Will and any advance medical directives you have in place.

I wish there was a way you didn't have to return to the crime scene, however you have to get your personal effects. She has a legal right to be there. Create your game plan for doing it with no chance of her being on site. No contact = no drama. Ask your atty if s/he has any concerns about a false accusation of theft/vandalism on her part. A witness wouldn't hurt. You may need an extra set of hands there anyway.

I have no wisdom or advice for you sir, but my husband was in your shoes in the early 70s. He came home from a cruise and found his first wife had betrayed him. I am his second wife, we have been happily married for nearly 40 years. Take heart, fidelity is out there.

Dude... get ahold of yourself.

Listen to House of Plane’s owl-like assessment of your situation. Your goal is to reach indifference as quickly as possible.

Tactically your doing fine; in fact, you’re doing exceptionally well. Strategically, however, your goal should be to reach indifference as quickly as possible regarding your STBXW, and her POSOM.

To this end, destroying her job, and life, may wreak more havoc upon you in the long-term (e.g., alimony, child support, or making her more adversarial in the asset split) although you may achieve some measure of retribution in the short-term. Do not allow your emotional, lizard brain, to overcome your ultimate goal of detaching from, and unemotionally moving on from, your STBXW.

Again, please listen to fellow Naval Officer, House of Plane. He’s pointing you in the correct direction, with your long-term healing in mind.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 3:11 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

You're doing fine. Stay the course.

Not sure about exposing her job. Definately expose to her parents though.

0615 here, just back from a 90 minute run. Everything is clarifying for me. I passed on the personal surveillance, I'm a disciplined man but if I had seen them going into my house at 2100 hrs all bets would've been off... I'll make this break from the soon to be ex as clean as possible. I'm going to offer her the VaBch house for however long she remains in this area in exchange for a quick D. Proceeds split evenly upon an eventual sale. I paid the mortgage off with an inheritance in 2012 and spousal support shouldn't be a factor anyway. She's a STEM educated professional working for a government contractor to Naval aviation. I've wondered if that's how she came into contact with the bastard? Oddly, I find I don't care so much about that. I used to joke about her running off with a fighter jock, her company provides a critical service to that community. I expect her to un-ass the Tidewater region sooner than later anyway, her fucktoy is married with kids and she never really wanted to be here I'd have to say. More later. I'm going to get chow then smash the ironpile for awhile...

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 5:29 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

Good update. I feel like I think the most rationally in the time during and after my morning workout. I don't know if you are the same as I am in this regard but since I've been dealing with the roller coaster of emotions that it's also the time I seem to be the calmest. The only reason I mention this is that at first, I found it a bit discouraging when I went from feeling pretty good about my situation to an absolute basketcase a few hours later, or sooner even if something triggers me. If it does happen post here to vent and remember that we are here when you need us.

I’m headed to Navy Fed to do some financial business. I’ll wait until Friday to cank the joint CC’s. Doing that today could easily cost me the element of surprise and I’ll accept the risk of leaving those open for now.

I an Army man myself so I want to say thank you for your service. I am rooting for you big time. When I served I saw this happen a few times in my unit and the fallout for that POS soldier was massive. I am hoping for a massive fallout this time as well for that POS sailor. I am assuming you will reach out to your wife after your plans are in full swing. While you were deployed did she cut off communication? Did she act like everything was normal? What was her behavior then?

I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this. I feel like you are handling this very appropriately. He broke the rules, you are just reporting it. I suspect you would do the same if it was not your WW involved and was someone else. We all need to be held accountable, and POS will be.

I am not in the military, but I have several family members who were/are. My uncle was a submarine officer early in his marriage. I know it was very hard on both of them, but they stayed faithful. My cousin (their son) is in the guard and has had to go on long training sessions away from his wife and young children. I know how hard it is for all of them. Again, they both stayed faithful. I respect the sacrifices you all make, and it is certainly not an excuse for the WS.

I wish you good luck. You seem to be handling this fairly well. I hope you have some friends or family that you can talk to. Don't be afraid to tell others how you feel. I haven't seen you say much about it, other than anger. Don't be afraid to grieve, that is part of the process.

Honestly all affairs should have the same consequences that the military has. Why the hell not? Any asshole caught cheating at work and fucking another man's wife should be instantly fired and his career ruined. Honestly I don't care about the repercussions that happen to him or his family. That's his shit to figure out.

I commend you sir on your quick, decisive and well thought out plan! It's the best way to get out of infidelity. The faster she is out of your life, the faster you can heal and move on with yours!

If you are decided on divorce then I would follow HOP advice to the letter. I think the threat of exposure and the threat of possible consequences can be more valuable to you right now than actual exposure and/or consequences.

The implied threat of formally notifying chain of command about the OM and thereby your soon-to-be ex-wife listed as the AP might possibly make her concerned about her job. After all a contractor won’t be happy with ANY risk to his main customer. Maybe it might impact her job – maybe not. What might be to your advantage is the possibility of it happening, rather than really finding out.

This could be used to impact the divorce to your advantage.

Divorces tend to be rather equal. At the end of the day both partners leave with some semblance of a 50/50 division. It’s highly unlikely that you will get 60%, but it’s IMHO more an issue of how your 50% is composed and calculated. The threat of exposure and its consequences might help you there.

For example: I think inheritances are considered non-marital property in Virginia. If you used an inheritance to pay the mortgage then maybe you could take that amount out of the sum of joint assets. Maybe not, but possibly you could use the possibility of going that way plus the implied possibility of exposing to make her agree on a quick divorce where you keep your pension and savings untouched, the car she keeps valued at top price and so on. It might not leave you with a 70/30 settlement, but maybe a 51/49 where your part is more in what you wanted to keep and her part is more in stuff you were already willing to walk away from.

It’s good to keep in mind that now it’s about winning the war, not about winning each and every ambush and battle. Think long-term.

I am a broken record. So many years ago I watched a man on television who had somehow been connected to a politician. He might have been his lawyer or a consultant but whatever the case he was vilified and accused. It was not only the opposing party but also in the media. When he was exonerated someone ask him what he wanted next and he said something so powerful. He said he wanted to know where to go to get his reputation back. No Poitics was a pretty good president but his reputation is tarnished forever because of an affair. This is what I want you to think about. Guard your reputation as an officer and a gentleman. Guard it well. Once lost you never get it back. Take care of yourself

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:34 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

I don’t know if you have had to deal with these physical effects of being betrayed but be prepared. One minute you’re burning up and the next you’re freezing. You will find that you have the shakes. You will find that you forget everything you know one minute and are hyper focused the next. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t think. You will cry. For a tough guy this is hard to do but you will accept that grief absolutely knows no gender and knows no age. There really is no fixing it you have to go through it to get to the other side. The situation with your wife is something you will have to work out step by step by step. You don’t know yet what excuses she will have. All you know is what you have in front of you right now. Don’t malign her, don’t mistreat her. I agree with the others. As soon as you can work towards indifference. At some point you will not care where she is or who she is with. You will have moved on with your life.

For what it's worth I later (after I divorced and learned she had a boyfriend) learned my 1st WE likely had a relationship while I was in S Korea at Pan Mum Jon/UNCJSA.

GF after that had her ex move in while I deployed to Iraq in 2008, and I found out when I came home on leave.

Take your pound of flesh, enjoy it. Then move on. For me with WW#2 who moved in across the street with the neighbor that meant a hard no contact. Watching your wife walk in and out of another man's house will crush your soul. You don't need to see that shit it won't be helpful, you know already.

Go no contact with her and only discuss kids and divorce, NOTHING else. All you will get is lies anyway, see the countless stories here for proof of that. One discussion maybe if she is remorseful cause you want to say your peace I am guessing but still take it with a grain of salt as she will lie her ass off and minimize everything. If you could just ghost her and not talk to her that would likely be more painful to her if that is what you are loomking for, but I get it, you got questions.

At the end of the day, you got the plan. Execute it. Hold your head high. She is not worth the heartache you will experience. You deserve better and dammit you will get better. Your a productive officer, in shape, bright future...shit. You only problem will be fighting them off and determining who the good ones are to explore relationships with.

No contact=no new hurt. The faster you detach the better. You have a great future waiting for you. Take time to grieve and then leave the past behind and go enjoy your future. Counseling is not a bad idea as it can speed the process.

Joint checking & savings now evenly divided and 50% of that total placed into a new checking account solely in my name. I’m going now to remove her as beneficiary of my SGLI coverage. I have four nieces & nephews I’d rather see get that if something were to happen to me. I’m thinking auto insurance changes need to wait until after D-day. I’m also arranging housing in the BOQ because I’m not spending a single night in that house with her. I need to look into whether that changes my Housing Allowance. Damn there’s a lot to this...

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 9:03 AM, April 13th (Friday)]