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So here we are 7 months into R. I'm having real issues with the sexual humiliation of all this. My WW sucked his Dick. She sat on his face. They had sex (obviously), she sent pics of her vagina, he sent video of him masturbating, they sexted CONSTANTLY ( I saw texts after extraction from her iphone). She did this while I was at home sometimes. They used the family van to have sex. He got naked on top of My children's blankets and pillows. She even asked me to try and fit a small mattress in the back of the van "so the kids could rest when out at the park" prior to D Day. She gaslit me of course during all of this. She was completely exhilarated by all this. She did this knowing I've been cheated on before. She would give him blow jobs and come home and kiss me and the kids.

WS, how did you help your BS with this clusterfuck of trauma? I feel like my self respect is in the toilet if I stay.

BS how did/do you cope with this kin d of stuff?

Pus- I'm trying to stay for our children. It's very important that I'm here for them.

How do you deal with this? What does it mean moving forward?

Any help is appreciated. I'm in a really dark place (not suicidal) because before the A, I was happier than I have ever been. Thank you all, sorry for the bad language.

I'm just discussing my situation - not giving advice to you because I have none. My BH wouldn't have stayed if I did all that. No way. He could barely move past me confessing to a ONS 27 years ago (I confessed after getting caught having an OEA). Our whole marriage was a lie. We're 4.5 years out and he still occasionally talks about divorcing me.

[This message edited by Root at 7:17 AM, April 21st (Saturday)]

How do you cope? It depends. First you have to wait long enough to decide if this could ever happen again and if your spouse has changed. If those things occur, then you have to remind yourself that this happened and is no longer happening. If your wife becomes the best wife you could ask for, then possibly you can move past the past because the future is bright. I hope that makes sense.

STBXH I feel your pain. I also do not know how to get past everything my WH shared with the OW, but especially the oral. I’m just hoping what everyone says on SI is true. That time will help. I am just about 7 months from Dday as well. I posted a question about trying hypnosis to get past the mind movies but most thought I basically need to deal with the pain. It makes sense but so f’ing hard. Good luck and I’m sorrry for what you’re going through.

STBXH,

Unfortunately, its the devil in the details. We ask what we need to know and then we can never forget what we know.

I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but our situations are a bit similar. He was in my house, he was in side my wife, etc.

I have to frame it that, it's due to her brokenness pure and simple. I was so removed from the equation (that side of her life) that I was never a thought in her head. She is so broken and lacked such self worth and value and respect for herself (and lack of respect for anyone else) that literally he could have gotten her to do most anything. Ironically she drew the line on true intimacy (kissing and hugging), crazy huh?

I also frame it in the context and your WW may be different, but my own wife's prior trauma made sex nothing more to her than a task or act. Like taking out the garbage. she never made the connection that her body is sacred or that the emotional connection one gets from being sexual is one of the most intimate acts. It was just a chore she had to do to please me and subsequently during the affair please him to get the attention, including sexual attention from him.

It also helps me view it as her playing a part in a movie. Porn Star by day, wife by night. That porn star isn't really who she is. Yes, she did it, but its not what she wants out of life. She wants love, comfort, intimacy, emotional connection. She got lost in her own mind and felt porn star sally achieve that.

Not sure if this helps or not....

,Root Thank you for replying. I truly appreciate a WW’s perspective. That said, I could only WISH my WW did what you have done. By no means am I diminishing the pain felt by your H, but sheesh, your A situation would be sweet relief for me at this point.

W3IRZ, yes I totally understand what you’re saying. In fact she’s working quite hard to be that wonderful wife. She went to 30 day treatment before the A and was disconnected. Our intimacy was the only deep emotional connection we had during that time. Thru the trauma of alcoholism, that’s when I bonded with her so strongly. I cherished her. I was so proud of her. So I went from happiest I’ve ever been to DDay. I put a lot of stock in our sex life because it was so emotionally charged. To me it was the deepest love I have ever had for a person. She just didn’t bond the same way. I just wasn’t cherished like I thought I was. Now, I’m haunted by this, and there’s really no escape because our kids need me due to the instability of her addiction.

Gently, it's your own self-talk that is the obstacle here.

Yeah, if people around you know about your W's A, and if they haven't healed from infidelity themselves, some people may think, 'Boy! How humiliating! I sure wouldn't take her back!'

Anybody who knows what infidelity does, though, will probably be sympathetic.

Your W cheated. That's on her. It's no reflection on you. It's no reflection on your manliness. You probably have thoughts that you've been emasculated, but physically you're intact. Physically you're pretty much as attractive now as you were before her A. Physically you may not want to have sex with her, but you can probably perform great with a new partner if you choose to dump your W.

Self-talk will get you out of the sense of humiliation. The paragraph above is essentially what worked for me, which is why I wrote it in this post.

Your W did a lot of sex with om. Personally, once it gets to a romantic kiss, it's betrayal. After that, it gets 'worse', but not materially so. Other people have different opinions on this. You get to choose how you deal with her sexual activity with om.

IMO, if your WS will do the necessary work, and if you want to R, you can build a good M irrespective of what the A consisted of.

Ironically she drew the line on true intimacy (kissing and hugging), crazy huh?

Not necessarily. In an insane act, this may be the one sign of health, the one sign that a good M is possible, if you both do the work.

Again, I think I understand what you're going through. I understand that your W humiliated herself. I understand taking on the humiliation . I just think it's flat out wrong to do so. The humiliation is all on her.

Mamacesto

thank you so much for you reply. I'm deeply sorry you're suffering as well. I tried hypnosis with a reputable therapist. It didn't work a lick. Not for me anyway. It's really good for people who are past the trauma phase from what I understand. I also tried EMDR. That made it far worse for me. DISCLAIMER: Some have found real relief in EMDR and I'm not discouraging it for anyone. But for me, it snapped my brain in to laser like, crystal clear focus as to the details of this betrayal. I read in another forum that a BS vowed to never perform oral on her WH ever again. Sad.

Please also note that I'm not so shallow as to think that my wife is an object or toy that only I can play with. I don't feel I own her and further I know that love making is only one component of a healthy marriage. I re-read my initial post and felt like I cheapened the act of intimacy to sex acts. To me it's far more than that. I was attached to her through the act of sex. I felt close and safe with her.

Brennan87,

Thank you for the reply, I'm sorry you're here. I understand how you're framing this. God knows I've tied to do that, but I felt so close to my WW. I felt safe with her. I was bonded. The mental gymnastics it takes to change my narrative is unauthentic to me.

To view her as a porn star or amorous woman that was desired or any other narrative just doesn't work for me. It can only be done if I demote her part in our marriage and my heart. That would be a lie. But you're right, I also was never thought of. I marvel at my invisibility when I adored who she was. She definately was lost but I sure as hell wasn't.

Sisoon

thank you so much for your reply. I always read your posts. They are thoughtful and your intent to help heal others is clear. But to relegate the humiliation to her alone is impossible. When we got married we became ONE. Her body mine and my body hers. I have no choice but to eat this humiliation with her. She did those things and also promised fidelity to me.

Sex was special. Now it's just sex.

Here's my real question: Do I have a right to feel special in a marriage? I thought I did. But that is now gone and I'm forced to give up my feelings of being cherished. It's going to be a dissapointing future for me because this A has taken away my idea of who I was to her. Further it crushed my ideals of what M is supposed to be. Now it's going to be something new but honestly something far less satisfying for me. Just speaking my truth at this stage of healing.

I posted this last night when I was in a really low place. I hope I will feel less days like this in the future.

Do I have a right to feel special in a marriage?

YES...you do have that right...and you WILL have that right...IF your WW is truly remorseful and ALL IN on R .

Reading the details you have had to deal with...that is pretty rough...and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it (((HUGS))). In order to HEAL...you have to accept what happened. IT HAPPENED . Saying this was so HARD for me...I did NOT want to accept that my husband of 28 years would commit adultery...would do things with the adultery co-conspirator like they were a couple...behaving like he was NOT married while working alone overseas . When I dwell on it...the pain is almost unbearable.

BUT...what happened was in the PAST. After I got all of the timeline...and the sordid details...it took me a while to process it. Once I did though...I could let it go. You know the details too it seems. They ARE painful...but they are in the PAST. Also...now you KNOW the details. Knowledge is POWER...and you have the power over any mind movies now. The REAL movies in your head SUCK right now...but they will dissipate in time. Her A destroyed your M and the special feeling you felt you had. BUT it can come back .

Seven months is still so early in this process though Dear Sir. I can let you know that this pain WILL PASS. It seems daunting...but it is not going to feel like this forever . That 2-5 year timeline that is talked about on here is pretty accurate for most of us.

What helped ME...was to think of what I wanted MY life to look like. I WANTED a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse . I told my H that if he wanted this too...GREAT! If not...I would find someone who would!! My H agreed this was what HE wanted too...so now we are walking this path TOGETHER .

When YOU are ready...start thinking about what YOU want your future to look like moving forward. IF you want your WW to be in it...let her know what you expect. Then let her RISE to your expectation . Most remorseful WS want desperately to HELP their BS to heal...but they aren't sure WHAT they can do. My H was very grateful when I told him what I expected from him...it gave him the incentive to move forward in a POSITIVE way to HELP me. The bonus was...he went over and above what I expected...which made BOTH of us HAPPY .

Want2B, Thank you. I suppose that's the real deal. Can I live with what happened? Maybe. If not, that's on her. I have given her a list of things I require to move forward. She is slowly checking off that list. As of right now, she would not be a woman I would consider dating. We are different. She must strive to my standard in order to keep this marriage. ((HUGS RIGHT BACK))

I hear you.

I have seen the txts, messages, sexts, nudes and videos. And they haunt me. Some days more than others. Oh how they haunt me. Some things truly can not be unseen.

BS how did/do you cope with this kin d of stuff?

I'll tell you when I figure it out. But until then, I take it day by day, minute by minute and second by second.

I have reclaimed myself. That is the biggest help so far. I remind myself I'm a bad a** unicorn goddess and walk into anyplace I go like I own it. Somedays it is much easier said than done. But I do it anyway.

But I also let myself cry when I feel it, rant when I feel it [oh if my dashboard could talk], I indulge when I need to, I exercise or crochet to distract myself. I do all the self care things. And I curse, and wonder how did this become my life.

And I keep going one foot in front of the other.

My WH helps by upping the reassurance. By being clean and transparent. By learning when to hug hard and when to give me space/time.

And I ride the roller coaster. Fortunately, I now recognize it for what it is and learn to communicate my downs instead of repressing them until I explode. Communication helps.

Hang in there STBXH. You got this.

I have given her a list of things I require to move forward.

Excellent !!! I made a list too...I called them ultimatums !! I told my H that he did not HAVE to do ANY of them...but if he didn't...I was GONE. Just like you...I felt HE had to strive to MY standard of M if he wanted to stay married to ME. I can honestly say he HAS .

At 7 months out...I was still waiting and watching. The adultery co-conspirator had been trying to contact him for most of that 7 months...and the ANGER stage had set in for me. It was ROUGH...and I feel for you being at this early stage of recovery . But Dear Sir...IF your wife is WORTHY of you...she WILL finish that list...and your M will be stronger than ever .

We ALL have done things in our past that we are ashamed of. I am very THANKFUL that I have been forgiven for some of my past transgressions...and that is what helps me to keep going with my H. He has shown how grateful he is for me giving him this chance...and I show him how grateful I am for him staying as well . He didn't have to put up with the POISON I spewed at him in the early stages of R...but he did. He never wavered...he let me know he wasn't going anywhere...no matter how much I ranted and raved. He has proven himself worthy of me again .

Do I have a right to feel special in a marriage?

Absolutely. My W had to show me she thought I was special for me to commit to R.

I have given her a list of things I require to move forward.

Good.

If she does these things, will you feel special? If not, I recommend digging deep to figure out what feels special to you, now that total fidelity isn't possible, and adding those things to the list.

The list gives your WS opportunities to step up. How she responds to those opportunities will tell you a lot.

Sisoon, I love what you’re saying in theory. But the luster of my marriage is gone forever and I’m emotionally intelligent enough to understand that. If we begin a new marriage I personally don’t believe I will be holding it to a very high standard. What’s that thing callled?... “ the lethal plane of something something”? Kinda moving in that direction.

Chaos... (((Hugs))) thanks lady. I appreciate your bravery. I might not be this strong. Day by day.

STBX -

Plane of Lethal Flatness?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/lethal_flatness.asp

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:30 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]

Root Thank you for replying. I truly appreciate a WW’s perspective. That said, I could only WISH my WW did what you have done. By no means am I diminishing the pain felt by your H, but sheesh, your A situation would be sweet relief for me at this point.

My BH has/had strong religious beliefs about sex. He thought he was getting a mostly "good girl" and that is so not me. I'm a heathen. BH eventually sought a sex therapist experienced in infidelity. This combined with me doing everything I could to get better has allowed us to make it this far (we're 4.5 years out). As his therapist tells him (he still sees her) he can always divorce me tomorrow.

STBXH BIG HUGS to you! I’m 11 weeks post d day and I don’t know how I will EVER get past this trauma. I think of him doing things he does to me to her and I throw up(I’m just a week off of anti nausea medicine because I was getting sick so much throughout the day thinking of it) I don’t know every detail because they both have different versions. I have put together what I’m pretty positive is the truth. Oral sex is so intimate for me and it was always such a special thing for us and I feel like it’s forever stripped. Add in the fact that he contracted Herpes 1 and 2 from her and gave it to me and the levels of hell intensify. I believe I want to reconcile depending on his actions but I don’t know how we can R if our sex life is tainted. It’s like he brought a 3rd person into our sacred marital bed and I don’t think that will ever go away. I don’t know if I can live with it and like you I feel so humiliated that I wasn’t sexually good enough to keep my husband faithful (though his lying ass always bragged to me about how much he loved our sex Life ESPECIALLY being inside me and the oral). To come to grips that even that was a lie is so hard. I don’t have advice but you have my prayers and I relate to this as well....