SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just curious and looking to see if getting an understanding could help me to post differently.

Why have an exit affair and not exit? Why get angry when you choose to cheat and the BS didn't learn their lesson and change? Why not just realize you had an exit affair and divorce? Why choose to still stay and then spend all that time being angry and complaining that the BS isn't doing anything to change? Why even expect a change after choosing a cruel way to treat them in return? Did you truly expect some other outcome other than making them behave worse or for things to become worse? Is resentment a reason for not facing that the fault lies with you and your standards for staying to begin with way before cheating? I have also notice that those that do have exit affairs tend to put a lot of blame on the AP for not being that KISA they were promised to be and the WS is angry and chooses to see themselves as victims. Why? Is it that they have so much resentment for the BS that they can't see that they themselves were the same as the AP? Just don't get the whole exit affair stuff.

Why get angry when you choose to cheat and the BS didn't learn their lesson and change? Why not just realize you had an exit affair and divorce? Why choose to still stay and then spend all that time being angry and complaining that the BS isn't doing anything to change? Why even expect a change after choosing a cruel way to treat them in return? Did you truly expect some other outcome other than making them behave worse or for things to become worse?

I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but I am not angry at my BH for any reason. I honestly did not think of my A as an exit. My BH and I lived as nothing more than roommates for years before my A. This is not being offered as an excuse, merely an explanation of background. I was hanging onto a M that no longer existed because I wanted it back. My H felt the same way, hanging on to memories. We talked so much about reconnecting and getting our M back to the way it was. But that didn't happen. So I made the disgusting decision to stray when I had a very scary medical diagnosis. My H and I were so disconnected by that point that I felt like I couldn't share my fear with him, that he wouldn't care. What I didn't know was that he was also terrified. We never talked about it. I used this as my justification for my A. I know that it was about my own selfish behaviors now, but at the time, I felt like I wanted to be wanted one more time, in case. My H figured it out and that started a whole host of hurtful shit, including discussing an open marriage, in order to assuage my guilt. I put my H through hell out of fear and entitlement. Since dday, my prognosis is excellent, H and I are communicating (both in IC), and have found our connection back. I can't say that I expected anything in this situation, other than to not be here right now. And I have no clue where we are heading, but I will never take my H for granted again. And I am learning to curb my selfish desires and put my H before everyone else, including me. So my A was somewhat an exit A, without the exit.

Why would you consider that and exit affair and not just cake eating? It sounds more like cake eating IMO. No intentions on leaving and even offering open relationship to continue keeping the marriage.

Why get angry when you choose to cheat and the BS didn't learn their lesson and change?

I am trying to understand what you are saying here. Are you saying a BS was cheated on in order to learn a lesson?

I am a BS & believe my WH was having an exit affair (although not sure what entirely makes it one) He was leaving me for OW & said he wanted a divorce when I found out. But we are still together.

Zug I think true exit affairs are more the exception than the norm. While having a bad M doesn't help someone to stay faithful, it and of itself is not the "reason."

I think we all play out how we expect things to turn out in our heads. However when we begin that course of action reality versus our plan can become misaligned. Our thoughts and feelings become much different in reality that our made up versions in our heads.

I also think that an exit affair angle can become part of mitigating the cognitive dissonance some might feel when they decide to pursue an A.

I feel guilty about tell so and so I love them. Well it is OK because I want out of my M anyway.

Much more common is the refrain I did not think my spouse loved me anymore. The assumption that the M will end becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

You can certainly call it cake-eating if you prefer, but I was planning an exit. Just not a divorce. For the record, it was my H who offered the open marriage, when he realized that I might be looking outside for things he was denying me. He couldn't go through with it, but I readily agreed to get out of guilt and shame.

My WH claimed it was an exit affair initially, BUT thru MC and lots of work on his part and us talking a lot he realized really what the affair was about. So here we are in R, but in the beginning he claimed it was to get out of the marriage. It was basically a lie he told himself to not have to address and to justify what he was doing. To the OW, it sounded way better that it was a way to exit his marriage rather than telling her what really was going on.

Zug,

No stop sign so here goes:

I wonder the same thing you do. My WH I believe was looking for a way out of the M but didn't know how to leave. Granted, long term marriages are harder to leave (we've been together almost 24 yrs and married for 23) and there was a HUGE disconnect pre A, but he didn't leave and we are still trying to get through it.

There was a lot of resentment towards me and he felt I didn't love or want him anymore. Now don't hit me over the head because I know and so does he that he could have done other things instead of screwing someone else, but it is what it is.

I think the A was revenge, and not like that sounds because it wasn't a RA. I never cheated on him. It was more like "See what I can do?" "You don't love me anymore so see? I found someone that does love me". He was so hurt by me pre A that he wanted me to hurt even though it was in his own mind because he never confessed to the A. I busted him.

I say all this because I have always been lead to think exit A's are careless, nasty and the cheater doesn't usually give a shit if the BS knows or not. A true exit A is one that typically happens when the cheater wants out of the marriage and sometimes rubs it in the face the BS, but is too much of a chicken shit to do the right thing and ask for a divorce. They have the A so their BS will be the one that leaves. That way in their minds anyway, are not the bad guy. I think most other A's are "cake eater" A's where the cheater doesn't necessarily want out of the M or doesn't know what the fuck they want so they don't make a choice and carry on two separate lives until it blows up in their face.

I wonder the same thing Zug - if there is a such thing as an exit affair because if the WS was planning to leave the marriage there wouldn’t need to be an affair. They would just leave.

What I mean as exit is for those that really truly believed they had a horrible marriage or spouse. They weren't willing to divorce but thought that finding something better first would be the best course of action and then exiting and divorcing. I don't know. I just see a lot. The AP didn't give me what I promised or my spouse isn't changing and fixing the marriage fresh out of Dday or within a year later. Maybe it is just the situations where a wayward stays in regret that things didn't work out the way they wanted to without giving a shit about the pain they inflicted.

Interesting to take into equation the "my spouse doesn't love me, so what" thing to.

Are you saying a BS was cheated on in order to learn a lesson?

If you read here long enough, you will see it. Don't get me wrong there is a difference between wanting to work on the marriage too soon and WS pushing for things to work out and with honest intentions not knowing when that starts and WS that are still flabbergasted that their BS haven't decided to change and win the prize of a cheater. You will see it. Some have come out and said it point blank. I want them to notice me or treat me better and so I cheated to teach them that I could get better. Not often, but it happens. Usually the BS drops them on their ass with a so can I get better after I divorce you. Then, and only then do they unfortunately see where their entitlement got them.

Got it. Yeah, this is my husband unfortunately. He cheated because I did not give him enough attention, affection etc. My husband said he was unhappy & would have divorced within a couple of years regardless of the affair or not (news to me..) But when his ex came back into the picture & started giving him ego kibbles, he realized how "horrible" our marriage was. He said it wasn't until her that he realized how bad it was with us & then he wanted to see if they were really serious before telling me he was going to leave. And once I found out about his A, he did say he wanted a D.

I dont believe my husband wanted to teach me a lesson. He told me he didnt think I cared about him & wouldn't care when he told me he was leaving our marriage. It couldnt have been further from the truth. Yet, I fully admit I am one of those BS that have changed my ways to cater his needs. He wanted to see that before he would recommit back to the M. I do think my WH sees himself as a victim to a certain degree as he said he never would have had the A if I gave him the attention, etc he needed. While I get I could have done a better job being intentional with our M, I will never accept his blaming me for his A.

“Why not just realize you had an exit affair and divorce? Why choose to still stay and then spend all that time being angry and complaining that the BS isn't doing anything to change?”

Because saying and doing are two different things. We all can say we will do x y z if we are face with a certain problem but when that moment comes we don’t. Reality Kicks in and we are forced to actually make that choice.

Second part, because they don’t get it. Also they don’t think what they deal was not a big deal thinking their BS will be able to function normally and contuine to do everything normal like they did before. WS has to get it.

[This message edited by godheals at 4:24 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

I always thought an exit affair was what you did on the way out (you could however change your mind though). My EX best friend did this. Her nature is to find a new man before leaving the one she has. I don't think it was premeditated though. She was going to leave....eventually. She talked about it all the time. She was waiting until her youngest started school, waiting until the debt was paid off, waiting until she got a job, that sort of thing.

During this time she decided the marriage was "over" and well she's a flirt. Didn't take long before she found a KISA. They married a year after her divorce was finalized. Last I heard this marriage wasn't doing so great either. Guess the grass isn't greener elsewhere in her case.

[This message edited by Root at 2:48 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

My WH 2nd A was an exit A. He told me ILYBNILWY, that he didn't want to work on us, that he wasn't interested in trying to reconnect. He didn't actually say the word divorce, but said everything else.

I asked him this question after dday. If he was so ready to leave, didn't love me, and had somebody actively setting up a place for him to go, why didn't you go?

I'll tell you what he said, then I'll tell you what I think.

He said he saw the pain he was putting me through. He realized it was me he wanted all along, that he did still want to be with me, that he did still love me, that I was the best thing in his life.

Here's what I think, I will add, OW#2 was my best friend. I knew her well...

She became too demanding too fast. She thought she had her hooks in him, so she left OBS, got an apartment, took a leave of absence from work so she'd be available, then gave him all the bj's and porn quality sex she could, which he ate up like, well, like a man having an illicit affair. My WH owns his own business. He has a lot of free time, but can't always break free and his phone is basically glued to his head. She didn't like that. She started throwing fits, crying, and telling him he HAD to go to her when she called and complained about how much he was on his phone when he was with her. Which was during business hours BTW. It didn't take him long to realize what a colossal mistake he made by choosing her as his getaway plan. By comparison, I am not demanding, I don't need constant attention, I don't need constant affirmation that I'm great. You know who did? Both of them. I think he decided to tuck his tale and crawl back because it became very obvious she was more than he could handle. Their relationship became all about her and that wasn't what he was looking for.

ETA

He stayed because 1, he doesn't want to be alone and 2, because so far I've let him..

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 3:06 PM, May 11th (Friday)]

Exit affair are for cheater's who don't whant to be alone and they just be in relationship till new ship come in.

What I mean as exit is for those that really truly believed they had a horrible marriage or spouse

It seems the answer in hindsight maybe, but it leads me to ask, if the M or the BS was so horrible, why not just leave? Why have an A at all? Why put yourself through all the lying, sneaking, stress and duplicity to keep an M you don't want anyway while you pursue something on the side? IMO, all As are about cake-eating, the A doesn't happen because a WS wants choice 1 or 2 or 3, they happen because the WS wants it all.

I'm not so sure how much I believe in the whole idea of exit A's, especially when you consider how WS rewrite everything with pretzel logic after the fact to justify the unjustifiable. And like you said, so many so-called exit As, yet so few exits........

Just wow- couldn’t agree more. When my WH told me he thought that by having the A I would leave him because at some point in our M, we had a talk that was basically if you ever cheated, I’d be out conversation. Maybe it is a show we were watching or some friend that was going thru a situation that we were even talking about it and again just sorta a what would you do kinda talk. So he actually says this to me when I discovered the A. I was floored because who would ever tell their partner, if you ever cheat I’m staying. No one would. And here I am in a situation where he actually did and I ended up wanting to R, not kick him to the curb like I said I would.

if the M or the BS was so horrible, why not just leave? Why have an A at all? Why put yourself through all the lying, sneaking, stress and duplicity to keep an M you don't want anyway while you pursue something on the side? IMO, all As are about cake-eating, the A doesn't happen because a WS wants choice 1 or 2 or 3, they happen because the WS wants it all.

I have to disagree with some of it. Only because I see too often waywards that come on here complaining that their BS isn't changing or owning their half the marriage problems. I am sure it is for many reasons. Maybe more resentful. Maybe deeper in the fog. More to work through in themselves. Where with true cake eaters. We are desperate to save our marriage and to save our BS from more pain. There isn't a long period where we call foul play and the injustice of it all like I see with exit affairs. Though if you take this thought then it is cake eating if it is that they are simply just cowards too.

Exit affair are for cheater's who don't whant to be alone and they just be in relationship till new ship come in.

Yellowskies My wife said the same thing. To put it out there. I knew or at least suspected but most definitely suspected she would do otherwise. I banked on her goodness and her unconditional love. What I didn't bank on was losing the respect. I knew how far I could push and chose to do so. I think all waywards do.

I've never been able to fully follow the logic of an exit affair all the way through. I think I start to see pieces and then it stops making sense. Of course sometimes logic = beating your head against the wall with this infidelity stuff.

I would think it's rare that a wayward pre-A sits with themselves and says, now, how am I going to get out of this marriage? Ah-ha - I've got it, the best thing to do is to go out and find someone else to have an affair with. Of course, I will hide it (?) because it might be fun. But if/when I get caught, then I shall exit the marriage.

Or I suppose this is possible:

A wayward has an affair, test drives their affair partner for a bit, ends up thinking the grass is greener, and blindsides their spouse with the news that the marriage is over. I suppose that is more exit-stage left than version #1.

In my situation, his affair promptly required me to force his exit. So was it intended to be an exit affair? Maybe not, but that's what it ended up being.

In any of the above, in plenty of situations around here, I think these words of yours Zug hit home the most:

they are simply just cowards too.

My brother had an exit affair and he did exit. After many non exit affairs. With my analytical personality I believe he has abandonment issues (and so have I due to FOO issues, I tend to be a giver and it takes me fully by surprise when I end up being taken for granted because I have put myself last) and he’s not capable to be single, I don’t think he’s been single since he was 19 (he’s now 48).

He married his AP and never cheated on her (to my knowledge) in the 10 years they were together. However what he didn’t realise is that his first wife was a giver, she accepted anything for keeping her family including affairs at that time. His second wife, once the honeymoon period was over and the life crap started to show on both sides, left him and it nearly killed him.

Bottom line, exit affairs don’t really sort the cheater’s issues out until they actually sort themselves out. That’s why marriages where the cheater chooses their AP and later get married have such a low rate of survival. First because you can’t really build happiness from misery, and that misery existed in the cheater’s behaviour since the beginning. If instead of addressing the marriage issues or divorcing you chose to cheat then there’s is something broken inside yourself and you just swap one partner for another without taking responsibility of your side of the business.

In some ways cheater’s who thought they are having an exit affair and didn’t exit have better chances at fixing themselves as (at least you would hope) they will be forced to look within themselves and fix their side along fixing the marriage that, in their mind, led them to cheat. I strongly believe that if my brother would have stayed with his first wife and address himself along his marriage he would have been happy now.

My brother’s advice when I told him about my WH’s affair? Rug sweeping. To stop mentioning it ever again because that’s what his first wife did when she found out of his affair. Forgetting that it led them to more affairs and divorce in the end... so clearly he cannot see his issues and I doubt he ever will...