SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think it’s ALWAYS a trade-off. It can depend a lot on the BSs personality. I preferred that fewer people know but in the end we had to tell enough people that it resulted in about 9-10 people knowing, plus our various counsellors makes 3 more, plus whoever AP and OBS told but I don’t know any of those people or expect to encounter them.

I still think that work gossip has led to 3-4 more finding out about the A but WH vehemently disagrees and will not accept any more theorizing on the subject, haha.

It is very hard to have so many of his coworkers know and have to face them, but they were all kind and discreetly supportive of me. It helped a lot to have my best friend know in the early days but of course there’s not much more she can say about it months later. I mostly haven’t told people because I don’t want any risk of my children hearing about it from anywhere but us, and that was my number one concern from the beginning.

It would be nice if there was a way to allude to it without coming right out and saying it. For example, if your ex from high school commits suicide, you can explain your feelings by saying “An old friend passed away” and people don’t make a big deal about the nature of your relationship or how it ended, how much you were in touch, how they did it and why etc etc. But you can’t say “Someone cheated on me”, there’s only one person that could be, it’s your spouse.

If I was divorcing I would tell my family and friends why, but not go into a lot of detail. I still have to raise kids with him after all.

I had a friend who posted on Facebook when her husband cheated on her for the millionth time and she finally decided it was over. His sister immediately commented how inappropriate the post was and “that’s my brother you’re talking about!” She took the post down. I messaged her privately to say that it’s not her job to have consideration for his feelings when he had none for hers, and that if it were my brother I’d be apologizing to her on his behalf, not scolding her on social media. I was pretty shocked by how cold and condemning the responses were when she clearly needed support and affection. I didn’t want to go through that from anyone, so I picked who I told by what they could offer me, not whether I felt like telling them.

I told everybody more than once. It backfired in every way.

When I told her BS she was OW with my husband, he said “makes sense, explains their dynamic, but don’t ever get in touch with me again because I want nothing to do with you or your problems.” He confronted her and they ended amicably. That meant she had noting but free time to go after my husband.

When I told her parents (you must be so proud of the daughter you raised), they told me I was crazy and never call them again. Now they are close to him and treat me like a mentally unbalanced child when they see me.

I told my family. They were supportive at first but then when it looked like he was gone for good they went out of their way to maintain with him. They think she’s just great and act like she walks on water.

I told the people at their job. Their boss protected their jobs. The coworkers were more into gossip than anything else.

I told our friends. Almost all of them dumped me. His best friend called him when he found out and said it was ‘about time’ and he couldn’t believe he waited so long to ‘bang her.’ Now almost everybody is great friends with them.

I just barely a few weeks ago re-told everybody at our kids school because I was tired of her being held up as a saint for everything. She was confronted by a couple of the moms, she said it was all true, then some somehow was able to spin it with hippie new age nonsense and they all cut me out and she’s still queen bee. The only thing that came out of it was some of the dads made comments to her for how much sex they have and them liking anal sex and some of the single dads are on her like flies on crap. The moms all rally around her for that too.

Maybe if your wayward didn’t step out with a Saint you will have a different result.

All of our friends, family, and coworkers know. My wife told friends and family. I told coworkers and who ever else didn't know to lose whatever false reputation I had built and to show my wife I was willing to risk everything for her. I also just outed the APs and myself because the one AP denied anything happened and that my wife was basically the "jealous shrew" type badmouthing her. She didn't deserve to have that stigma based on my choices.

InsideOutWife, your pain is so apparent, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's the hardest thing in the world to feel so isolated. You have been heard.

I'm usually an uber private person. However, I read Brene Brown's book "Daring Greatly" after D-day. It talks about strength in vulnerability. I made a different choice and decided to disclose my ex's sexual liaisons. I received a lot of support from my family and friends and even his family. That may have had something to do with his heinous behaviour during our relationship, including sex with a hooker.

I'll be honest, I was embarrassed on and after dday. I've watched daytime TV with a WH being lambasted by the crowd and in the same show, a WW being "understood" and given some empathy. It is a huge generalization which I have come to believe is not completely accurate. However, I did feel like I was a failure and my WW needed to go elsewhere to be satisfied.

I did end up telling close friends (4-5 people), but no family know about her A's, they know we had/have marital problems, and I get the distinct feeling her family believes I cheated. It's none of their business frankly.

I don't feel as embarrassed as I once did, I know the A's were not because of me, but I haven't opened up to anyone else recently (dday 3 years ago).

I love my wife, I feel she is truly remorseful and regrets the A's so why expose her to more shame. It would have been good to have more support than I did at the time, but having her image remain with our families is something I am willing to do.

Another dday.....divorce with no chance of R, and I would tell anyone that asked why I made that choice.

[This message edited by Jameson1977 at 7:51 PM, May 18th (Friday)]

My H told a lot of people after dday. He just told anyone he could. Which was fine with me. It was his right to tell whoever. But later he regert telling people most of them. Some were not supported of him wanting to R with me. It was them or her. Some did the pitty party “oh how are you doing” or “everything good you wanna talk?” All the time with him. And when I say pitty party that was his words not mine. Sometimes you think you want people to know but later could think different.

My husband is a sex addict in recovery. He told our kids, young adults at the time. Three reasons, really.

1) they knew parts, they needed to know what was going on in their lives. Addiction is a family disease

2) there is a genetic disposition to addiction, my older son is an alcoholic. My husband also has bipolar, so does my son. Knowing the truth empowers them to examine their own lives

3) They needed to know why I was such a basket case, why I couldn't be the mother they were used to.

They are glad they were included in this family issue and proud of their dad's hard work. But they still come to me for advice.

Friends generally don't know, with the exception of two besties. They are also accepting of him since he's changed and treats me well.

I think this is very individual.

I’m BS and We are 4 years out and I only told 1 person. I couldn’t stand the thought of other people knowing. We have always been private people. Sometimes it’s hard that people don’t know but at the same time I think R would be hard if others voiced their opinions on it all the time.

My BH posted on FB .. the night I told him and started tagging my family and friends . I understand now he was just angry and drowning in pain . He didnt feel good about it afterwards ..That it was my fault . Everyone in our entire life knowing before we even could wrap our heads around everything didn't make things easier . I think you should take responsibility for cheating. If your spouse wants to reach out and talk to people support them . If your going to reconcile ... telling every single person right away makes it harder. You have so many different opinions flying at you when your both trying to wrap your head around everything .

Before I was ever found out for being a cheater, I was a part of the discovery of my brothers wife's affair and my awareness of this is one of the things that was a part of the destruction of my relationship with him and his wife. I say part because there were much larger issues in the way she treated my BS that ultimately caused the fall out but her infidelity was underneath it all as well. I was a complete hypocrite, I was a cheater and yet because at the time I had cheated back then I wasn't married yet I didn't hold myself to the same standard as her and I didn't support my brother's wishes to R with her. Yet, I support my own wishes for R. Can't get much more hypocritical than that and it upsets me to see other BS's get shunned by family and friends even though I did the same thing to my BS by not being supportive of her needs and to him for not supporting his wishes to R.

When I first found out, I held it to myself. The worse he got the more people I told over time. Almost everyone knows now, and since I'm going the full D route with basically no chance of ever R, I am just biding time until everyone in his life knows and he will only be able to escape it by being a better human over time. I can't wait now. I have my blow up and leave plan and I will be glad to close this chapter in my life.

I don't know what I would do if he were remorseful. He says he's hurting, but I don't care anymore, because he does nothing to help me through or understand my hurt. So I'm going to keep blasting Sia on the stereo and keep working on healing on my own.

I told only my father and best friend (who also went through this, though he was a MH) at first. My preference would have been to keep it that way, not because I wanted to spare her the embarrassment (that I think she deserves), but because I wanted to spare myself (and potentially kid) the embarrassment. I also figured (correctly) that it would make it harder for me to reconcile if people knew I had a cheating wife, that my ego would come into play.

Anyways, when she broke NC and I found out we had friends over and they witnessed my meltdown. I decided to divorce and told both parents and sister. I reconsidered the D part, or decided to give it more time, after she broke down and begged me not to. I decided to out her to her coworkers and a few friends, by that point the cat was out of the bag and I haven't really kept it a secret at all from close friends.

I wish it was a more closely held secret at this point, but she clearly needed to be outed at work.

Simplicity,

I am just biding time until everyone in his life knows and he will only be able to escape it by being a better human over time. I can't wait now. I have my blow up and leave plan and I will be glad to close this chapter in my life.

I am not sure what your WS is like but I can tell you from my perspective that I used to care about what others thought, in fact that was very very important to me. But if my BS were to tell everyone who knows me now, I really wouldn't care because at least I would feel like I wasn't hiding from anything anymore.

Isles -- it's good you want it in the open now. That's the point. He can't hide from his past. He has to own it. When he owns it, all he can do is work hard to repair his reputation. If he has to do that work, he will have at that point better understanding of the harm he did. Right now he wants to hide it because he wants to pretend he is a good person who never does wrong. If he can't hide it, he will be forced to own it and either live with the fact that he IS horrible, or work to be a better human.

Edit to add: I don't care who knows or not in his future life, but for anyone who has ever known me, I would also like control over my own story.

[This message edited by Simplicity at 11:14 PM, May 19th (Saturday)]

I told very few people. The ones I told were the people whom I knew would offer support and be understanding or those people who had changed their behaviour towards DH prior to Dday so I suspected they guessed and were conflicted. I didn’t tell my parents or brother or any other family members as I didn’t want the judgement of either DH or I - last thing I needed at the time! As it turned out he told some of his family which I was surprised at. I guess he needed support too.

The strange thing was the only people that judged were a couple of old friends who clearly distanced themselves a little. We still saw them but they seemed incredulous that we were still ok together, as if we shouldn’t be. It was really uncomfortable. Looking back I think they didn’t expect us to last. 6 years later they are ok again. It was odd, as if we had both let them down. With hindsight I wish I hadn’t told them.

I told my sister on DDay, I stayed with her for a couple of weeks and to this day I don’t know how I would have got through that time without her.

I told my parents a few weeks later for two reasons, I needed their support and I wanted my WH to be held accountable. They have been amazingly supportive to both of us.

We didn’t tell our closest friends until about a year later. I didn’t want anyone’s judgment or opinions until I had worked out my own. Luckily our couple friends were very supportive and non judgmental. We lost the other friend we told, I don’t think she agreed with our decision to R.

I never told anyone at work, they knew something was wrong but I refused to tell anyone there. It was my place of escape from infidelity. My WH told his family who haven’t been very supportive.

If you decide to R i think it’s important you tell people who will support you and your M. They also need to be people that are friends of the M, and are truthful but respect your decisions.

Simplicity,

I don't care who knows or not in his future life, but for anyone who has ever known me, I would also like control over my own story.

I completed agree with you wanting control and you should certainly have it. This is kind of why I posted the question in the first place. 6 years ago I would want no one to know but today is different, but it is still the disgression of the BS to decide who knows about it.