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At this time let her problems with her other man be her problems. You have enough to deal with.

She's a big girl. She made a conscious decision to do what she's doing.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:32 PM, July 4th (Wednesday)]

She's out of control, alright--hooked on another man's dick.

If the video is of them being intimate, take it to the police and get them to speak to him to ensure he is not disseminating it all over the net or to his friends.

I concur with purekit. Although you are in the initial steps to divorce her, let her know about the video. She needs to protect herself. This pos seems to be not phased on what he would do to anyone to fulfill his needs.

Although I would presume that your WW will go ballistic when she learns about you being sent the video. She needs to be careful if she confronts in anger, as his retaliation maybe severe.

Best for her to learn from this and walk away.

Your wife knows about the video and many other secrets. She was in it. She did not confess. She is not your monkey or her affairs your circus. She can deal with her consequences. You need to take care of yourself and your family. I suggest you avoid contact with your soon to be ex wife except for kids and finances. I would have no contact except for legal reasons with the other man and his girlfriend i.e. you file alienation of affection or other charges allowed by your state. The other man may have sent you the information and video for selfish reasons... wanted your wife to himself or whatever. In the long run now you know who and what you were attempting to reconcile with before you made a serious mistake.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 4:55 AM, July 5th (Thursday)]

Please secure a copy of the video where your wife cannot get it. Also identify an established divorce attorney and retain legal counsel. File as soon as possible to protect your assets. Your attorney will guide you. Interrogatories for adultery maybe brutal. Formalize the separation agreement with terms favorable to you that can serve as the basis for the divorce decree.

I think that you should let your wife know that you have received a video and that it is being kept in a secure location and you will never delete it. I would tell her this face to face only. The other guy clearly sent it to you to break your marriage. I am guessing he thinks your wife is his meal ticket. If he loved her he never would have betrayed her like that. Telling her about the video might destroy her affair which would be a bonus.

I agree with Smillie. There is something else going on here for him to send the video to you.

He may not want to lose his meal ticket.

It may be blackmail relating to his job. Or him having leverage over your wife.

I would be very concerned about who else gets or sees this video.

He sounds like a slimeball and very happy to get his own way at whatever cost. And if he views your wife as his meal ticket he will manipulate her in whatever way he can.

Maybe now your wife will come out of the fog.

I’m not saying whether you should take her back or not - that is up to you. But dealing with her not in the A fog gives you a better chance of dealing with a rational person versus a spouse with the blinders on.

OP, you should show your WW that video.

Yes. Show her. Tell her this is how he truly feels about you. A piece of ass. Nothing more.

Study up on pimping.

Don't be a sucker.

Talk you your attorney. Follow their advice. Also tell him about all the evidence you have. You could likely file on the grounds of adultery in your state as long as you have not slept with her since you found out. I forget what it is called. Like I said you have to play for keeps. She will likely fall further down and try all kinds or desperate and/or crazy things to get back into your life. Please stay the course.

She is spiraling out of control, but she choose to do that. She is not someone you need to rescue. Yourself and your kids are your primary responsibility now.

Pureheart,

Interesting theory. I myself was wondering why the hell she would allow a video to be taken if she was still cheating, hiding it from her H and parents.

In the long run, it doesn't matter I suppose. She knew they were aware and went anyway. She very well could have said, hey it's just grown worse, now he is blackmailing me because I won't continue, yes, we videoed.

I don't know, I hurt for you and everyone else who has to relive this crap over and over because this loser cheaters can't stop.

My thoughts are with you and your family. I am sorry for the pain and trauma the actions of your wife have caused.

I disagree tremendously with the posters stating you need to disclose the video. They have it backwards. The video is not the problem, her infidelity is. She knows the video exists. She chose to make it, have sex with the piece of shit other man (POSOM), and lie repeatedly. She should be honest and disclosing her actions to you including the video. She has had every opportunity to come clean. She did not. She should have been telling you about the infidelity, video, and her actions. Instead she let you think you were in reconciliation while continuing to have sex with the POSOM. It is not your responsibility now to tell her what she has done. She knows. She was the star in the video. She needs to own her actions. She made her choices. Now she can live with them. How you choose to deal with her deception and infidelity is your problem. Not the video. The video is now evidence.

As an aside, secure the video after making copies and do not post anything about it on line or anywhere. You distributing the video is illegal. You want no part of that.

Filing for divorce with adultery as the grounds and allowing her to respond to the interrogatories will have the same effect as telling her about the video. This will also benefit you in the proceedings.

Her leaving the house and consequences will also highlight her relationship and how despicable it is. This will have the same effect as telling her about the video. Consequences are the key. She is a big girl and can figure out who he is. She chose to have sex with him repeatedly. She knows what he is.

The video will be disclosed in due time and if necessary become part of the legal proceedings. You will disclose it during discovery as part of the divorce proceedings. Do not disclose it except in legal proceedings under the advice of your attorney. It is a legal matter at this point. Treat it as such. If you have the option, pursue the other man as well for alienation of affection or whatever your attorney recommends.

Please follow Numb and Dumb's advice regarding no sex. In some states the grounds of adultery is no longer valid if you resume sexual relations with your wife. Your attorney will guide you.

You need to take care of yourself and the children. The more you treat this as a business negotiation the better for you and your kids. Please get as favorable a settlement as possible.

Your wayward wife needs to look after herself and what she has done. She clearly does not have you or your childrens best interest at heart. No contact is what is best for you. You need to heal for yourself and the children. Your wife and her adulterous relationship are hers to remedy. You need to seize the narrative and telling her about the video and worrying about her relationship do not get it done. She is the one that needs to be honest and commit to full disclosure...not you. You are dealing with the tip of the iceberg. You need to get records of the hotel expenses etc. in preparation for the divorce.

Focusing on her does no good. She is not safe. She risked her family and husband for a POSOM. She does not need to be back in your life until she has gotten help. You cannot fix her. She needs to get herself together.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 11:57 AM, July 5th (Thursday)]

Thank you everyone for the continued support and advice.

As far as the video goes, I don’t need to tell her that I know about it. It’s painfully obvious she was aware that he was recording, it wasn’t a hidden camera. I don’t know when it was taken, doesn’t matter at this point. If it ends up on a porn site, that’s 100% her problem to deal with.

I have no feelings left for her, she’s a POS to me. My hope is she’ll walk away from this divorce with as little as possible from me.

Please look after your physical and mental health. It wears on you.

"My hope is she’ll walk away from this divorce with as little as possible from me."

You're well on your way out of infidelity.

Just be mindful that the posom is expecting her to have resources after the divorce. In fact, he's banking on it. Your wife is but one of many.

Go for the jugular in the divorce. Period.

D,

Fellow NYer here. Though NY is at fault state. I fidelity is rarely ever pursued in a divorce. It is normally treated like a no fault state. You need to lawyer up quickly. Get your ducks in a row. Your going to be surprised how difficult our judicial system is to deal with when it comes to D. I send you strength. Document everything you can. Her behavior. Your finances, etc. You may be able to get back half of what she spent on POS in final decree.

devastated12,

Your last two posts are helpful in understanding where you are at in your heart and mind. Your atty will advise you on the legal ramifications of her being put out of the house and only allowed weekend visitation with the kids. Neither of those is sustainable if she were to fight it. What have you told the children about their mother's absence? Are you completely comfortable that her absence is in their best interest?

The other man is a mailroom clerk. No attorney is going to pursue damages. It’s a cost/benefit ratio.

You can’t get blood from a turnip.

As for her. Once a video is out there’s not much anyone can do to put that cat back in the bag. It’ll be a he said/she said thing.

Just hope the kids don’t ever witness it.

Devastated,

Sorry you had to see the raw act. No one should have to go through that.

You are doing the right thing. Let it be her problem. She’s the one who created this mess.