SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It didn’t end, she’s been fucking him since I caught them the first time. He sent me a video. I’m done.

devastated12, two members have asked about whether the video was pre or post Dday #1. You didn't share much, if anything, about your W's action after Dday #1. She said she accepted the consequences of her actions. We only have the info you provide in your posts. I accept that you've concluded the cheating continued after Dday #1. Is it the existence of the video that brought you to that conclusion? Are there more pieces, more info you put together?

I'm sorry you got hammered with this.

Stay strong, keep posting.

It didn’t end, she’s been fucking him since I caught them the first time. He sent me a video. I’m done.

This is the kind of post-dday event that should end any consideration of reconciliation. She's a cheater, she's not going to stop any time soon, and she has no love or respect for you. Harden your heart and divorce her. After all she's done it's the one clear thing she has earned.

Bump

Is the video date stamped? How do you know it’s after your discovered?

johnpaul, send the OM to jail ? He's the one giving this guy the proof.

As sick as it sounds, and the OM is disgusting POS, he is the truthful one here. Sending him to jail ?

No She belongs in the divorce jail dude

1) get divorced first and foremost

2) once it is finalized then decide whether you want to report your wife to HR for creating a serious liability situation for the company. sexual harassment goes both ways esp from a senior person to a junior person (male or female). Both can be consensual but it is inappropriate for individuals who are in positions of authority to take advantage of junior personnel whether they consent or not. utilize the video that was sent to you if evidence is required.

Check your bank accounts; this scumbag is probably using her to no end.

Devestated12 - are you alright? Hang in there buddy. You've got two kids relying on you. You can be happy again. Trust me. You've just got to survive this.

[This message edited by mike7 at 6:36 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)]

It didn’t end, she’s been fucking him since I caught them the first time. He sent me a video. I’m done.

I hope so. If you are indecisive now you'll just wallow in limbo longer than you need to.

Move fast, you'll be better off long term

Thank you everyone for the support. I'm not a big poster, I get more from reading threads than posting myself.

After Dday1, I thought she was going to change. She was transparent with her phone and email. She was checking in from work several times a day and coming home right after work. I thought we were on the road to recovery. The OM messaged me on Facebook last Thursday that my wife was playing me and he had proof. I messaged back that I wanted the proof and he emailed it to me. There's no date or timestamp on the video, I have no idea when it was made and it doesn't matter. I don't know what his motivation was for letting me know or care at this point. My guess is he feels like he won in a way since he's a loser in comparison to me. I confronted her about still seeing the OM and she admitted to it. She has been going to a motel with him during lunch hour. She cried and told me she's spiraling out of control and having a crisis as if that's supposed to make me feel sorry for her. I didn't tell her that he sent a video, only that he messaged me to tell me I was a fool.

She's been out of the house since last Saturday and will only be allowed here on the weekends to see the kids. She tried to put up a fight, but I told her to back off unless she wants the kids to know what she's done to cause this. I have an appointment with my lawyer, I want to make sure I get everything lined up before filing for divorce.

I'm trying my best to get through each day.

you handle it well. Now WW knows the POS betrayed her. Unless she is pathetic she cannot be with the POS anymore. blackmail is also a possibility. At this rate she might trip on the job as well as it is difficult to keep things from prying eyes in the company

[This message edited by goalong at 2:53 PM, July 4th (Wednesday)]

She should be aware that he has video and is sending it out.

I always take a more cautious approach with safety especially when you have children. Talk wuth an attorney and also have a background check done on OM.

Please see the attorney and protect you and the family.

Sorry man but you probably only know the "tip of the iceberg".

The thing is no matter what you do a cheater will always find a way to cheat no matter what.

It's hard to tell how many pics/vids he has of her doing who knows what. He's a lowlife for sure but your wife is giving him carte blanch.

Take care of yourself now is the time to get the best deal you can.

She cried and told me she's spiraling out of control and having a crisis as if that's supposed to make me feel sorry for her.

That's not your problem now.

Learn this if nothing else. A cheater can look you in the eyes and lie like hell. You can't fix her.

This thread needs to be saved to reference for anyone who argues against the spouse quitting their job.

Getting back to this thread - the OM did you a great favor. He’s just too dumb to realize.

I'm sorry man! I really hoped before that you were right and you both were going to make this work.

Read back through the tread... there was a lot of great advice given, and there will be plenty more to be given.

We all make mistakes,and think about what we should of and could have done. But that's the past....

Now you must look at what you can and must do....

But before you do that... use this thread to see how you have changed... look back to see who you were then vs. who you are now (attitude, approach, perspective, etc). And look at who you thought she was vs. who she has proven herself to be.

I am not saying this to criticize you but rather to open your eyes... you chose to provide her minimal if any REAL consequences and she lied to you.... she sees lying as a successful approach... if it worked before odds are not only will she do it again, but probably even bigger... I.e. she was a liar before, she is a liar now, odds are even bigger....

Like others have said.... this is only the beginning of the truth.... it has been going on longer than you thought.... there are probably others in the past...

Few things to remember... save ALL communications with her, this includes using a VAR to record conversation. This will become invaluable especially when she admits to getting hotels at lunch... AKA marital assets on her affairs

And one thing I hate for you to think about, but you might want to consider DNA testing your kids.... I know that's a gut punch but you really need to know... and asking for it.... make that demanding it will show her how little you trust her...

Lastly, I can get not telling the kids but you should tell her parents/siblings in full detail (meaning you discovered it confronted, she recommitted to you and your marriage and not only went back to sleeping with him but also let him make porn videos)... because they will need to get over their own rage/anger before they can provide her the support she will need.... additionally it might be too much of a shock if out of the blue your FIL or BIL gets an email from a friend with a link to a porn site saying "HEY! Isn't this your daughter/sister? It looks like her and has the same tattoo/scare/etc"

...just two truly last shitty thought.

1st - She did prove to you that she loves you and your family less than she loves having sex with a worthless dirt bag.... In fact she loves you and your family SO MUCH LESS than having sex with this worthless dirt bag she took the higher risk of going back after you found out and she committed to you and your family.. That is something you have to think about every time she is begging to make it work (just like she did last time), or when you think about how much you mis what you THOUGHT you HAD... Do you think that is something that you can live with????

2nd - At some point you will have to tell your kids either when they are old enough or after they have a breakdown and you find out through a friend or surfing the web or through cyber bullying they wind up seeing the video of their mother.....

This is a real shit sandwich she has served the entire family...

Right now you are doing the right thing for you. I agree. DNA your kids. Just to be sure.

Long term don't lie to your kids. Do not keep them in the dark. They aren't stupid and it causes even more anxiety.

Tell them the truth in a sanitized way. You owe her nothing.

Sorry she has put you and your family in this mess.

Never blame yourself or put this on your back in any way. You didn't cause this plus you gave her the gift of R which she promptly spat on.

My wife of 15 years has been cheating for the last six months and I can’t make sense of it. She ended the affair immediately when I discovered a text message on her phone. She didn’t try to deny it and is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage and family. I’m in so much shock. I’m waffling between staying for the kids and wanting to leave. We haven’t told anyone about her affair, trying to deal with it ourselves for now.

Looking back on some typical betrayed spouse mistakes. You in reality helped hide her affair

I’m embarrassed and humiliated for both of us. I don’t know what to do next, I’m not sure if I can forgive and move past this disaster. She has started looking for another job. I want to tell this guy’s girlfriend, but my wife doesn’t want us to have any contact with them.

Now you know why

Never offer R upfront. Take the time to think it through. She had zero consequences and the affair never stopped.

Of course it's embarrassing but it's not on you. This was all her doing.

Don't go back for more. She's shown you who she is believe her.

Devastated12,

I al very sorry.

IMO the best thing you can do is get D!

You gave her a second chance, belived her, protected her from humilation, and she just didnt give a fuck!

Rigth now use all leverage you may have (Use the video) to get the best D agreement. You are doing It for your kids not for you!

When D things change, you need her ti keep her job (she rigth now is more worry about that than her marriage, thats why she didnt quitar or lookedfor another job), for allymoney and CS. OM has proven yo be able to blow her life so she Will keep him Happy... This is not your problem anymore, is hers.and just hers!

Get D as fast as you can. This is the rigth choise , you can date her after D but you need to protect your kids.

I agree with other about this not being her first A...

Dont be paralized, get legal advice AsAp.

Last thing, show her the video and tell her you would Expose to family and Friends if she drags the D.

Good luck

Could he be blackmailing her?

He has her completely twisted around. Tell her about the video. Tell her she needs counselling. For your kids sake she needs to get away from that man before she's completely destroyed.

You will be ok eventually. She's in danger possibly. Tell her and her parents and divorce with dignity.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 8:17 PM, July 4th (Wednesday)]