SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just feel stuck in this M. My WW has basically rugswept the A. The MC told us we need to put it behind us if we want to move forward. Many of you read my old thread about how I put off having sex with her for over a year. She practically begged me to have sex with her, and I finally realized that if I wanted to R, I had to give it a shot. We're 100% back to the way our sex life was before the A. It's done entirely for my benefit... the goal is to get in, get off, and get out. She refuses ANY kind of foreplay, and will basically only do 1 position that involves her not doing ANY work, and not having to face me. (Wasn't going to be crass and go into dirty/not-so-dirty details, but you all get the idea). If I try to address this, she gets pissed and say "SORRY I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!" The weird thing, SHE is the one who initiates these intimate-less sex sessions, roughly twice a week. It sucks, and I usually don't even feel like partaking in something so impersonal. It should be noted that before kids we had a very healthy, active sex life that she enjoyed (almost) as much as me. She did many things then that she would NEVER do for me now, and she had orgasms back then, and doesn't anymore.

Once the sex barrier had been broken, that in her mind meant that I was over the A. We were back to normal. She's back to just worrying about being Supermom. Her priorities are;

1. The Kids

2. Work

3. Her Family

4. Anybody and anything else that might need her attention.

5. Our marriage.

We actually get along fairly well, and are a pretty good co-parenting team. That is basically all we are. If we didn't have the kids, I would've been long gone by now. I think about D every single day. The only times I feel optimistic about the future are when I think about what my life would be like without her. But my kids would be so devastated. Their entire world would be destroyed! I know some people say it's better that kids have 2 happy divorced parents than 2 miserable married parents. I'm not miserable. Our home is not miserable. Our family is actually a pretty happy one, we still do fun stuff as a family. I can't overstate how much I don't want to be a weekend Dad. I love my kids so much, and I want them to grow up in our house, with both of their parents. Like the cheesy Aerosmith song says, "I don't want to miss a thing"!

Also, the finances come into play. Basically, I am the breadwinner by a significant margin. Not tooting my own horn. My WW does have a career, and contributes to our household in many ways that are not as easily measured, but equally as important. I saw a lawyer after DDay. He basically told me that if we did proceed to D, and my WW did decide to get nasty, I would be absolutely FUCKED! Not only that, but my business partners would also potentially suffer! Can't have that!

So, at this moment, I am stuck. In limbo. I have tried to get on board with R, and I am just really struggling. I did the 180 hardcore after DDay, and really distanced myself from my WW. It's not easy to fall back in love with someone who wants to treat me like a roommate / babysitter / wallet, and not a romantic partner. I see other couples that are happy. Going on trips together. Going on date nights. Having happy sex lives. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever have that again? Am I just doomed to live like this? I think I might be, at least until my youngest graduates and goes off to college. I'll be 50 by then! I realize 50 isn't OLD by any means, but it's still 13 years away!

I really think my WW thinks we are happy and reconciled. I don't think she is even slightly unhappy with our marriage. Our MC sessions now seem to focus on how I need to get over it and move on. My WW is a good person (besides fucking another guy), and everybody just thinks the sun shines out of her ass. Virtually nobody knows about her A. I haven't told ANY of my friends. I have nobody I can talk to about this. Even the MC seems to have quite obviously taken her side. When I picture a future with my WW, I don't see anything good happening there, apart from making family memories. When our kids are both out of the house, I can't imagine we'll be one of those happy couples that go on cruises and do other fun things together.

Sorry if I seem like a wet blanket. I'm just a little down tonight.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 11:09 PM, May 25th (Friday)]

Have you considered IC to help you figure out what YOU want in life, or to find another MC?

I actually tried an IC for awhile. But all he did was talk at me the whole time, and tried to trace everything back to my childhood. He did convince me that I was too much of a people pleaser, and in my marriage a bit too BETA (not his words). Hence the 180. I distanced myself from WW. Lost a bunch of weight and got in much better shape. Started taking the lead more as a parent, instead of a "Mom knows best" attitude. Devoted more time to work, as well as hobbies and friendships. Eventually I really started to like who I was becoming. But I kind of find it hard to mix who I have become with the kind of man I have to be to stay with her.

No longer can I be one of the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" guys. Yet, I cannot ruin my kids lives just because I am not sure what I want. I know my situation, and yes, my kids entire world would be destroyed. Again, not tooting my own horn, but I am the foundation on which our household/family life is built. I am the rock. I am the stability. Plus I love them so much. I want to be there everyday when they wake up, and every night when they go to bed, and as much as I can in between. Being a parent is such a joy to me!

Guess I need to look into IC again...

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 11:34 PM, May 25th (Friday)]

You have a mouth

So Speak

And tell her She have to improve the intimacy

Do not Suppress your needs and feelings

Talk Talk And Talk more

But be careful.not to make it a argument

So you have a shitty lawyer, a shitty therapist, and a WW that won't do anything but doggy.

You can change two of those without too much problem.

You need options! I get that the MC doesn't work: what about asking for a while out of that? What about going to another lawyer, asking for more options?

You have options.

SORRY I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

Next time she says this bullshit tell her she is not good enough for you.

Let her know you deserve better and that you will not accept less than what you deserve.

Bro, you deserve to be happy ...... NOW!

Not fucking 13 years from now. Right fucking now.

I would do the 180 and keep going to the gym and working on looking great. Forget having "sex" or whatever the fuck you call what she's doing to you.

I'd rather use my hand than be disrespected in such a way as to have her turn her back every time ..... and showing no intimacy.

Start stashing money and looking for a better lawyer who can get you a better deal on a ticket to a new life.

A life in which you live with a new woman who loves you, desires you and cares about your needs.

Being a martyr is SO overrated.

As far as sex goes, her go to line before the A was “I want to want sex... I just feel like part of me has died.” And she has recently pulled that same bullshit. I’ve told her that she willingly had sex with OM, so we know she has sexual desires, just not for me! She claims that’s not true, that it was never about sex with OM. Her attraction to him was that they had likeminded views on things, he felt passionately about things like politics, literature, various social issues like gay rights, etc. I believe in things like gay rights too, but I’m not much of a debater. If they want to get married, let them... end of discussion. My feelings on such matters do not go any deeper.

I’ve told her that was bullshit, that she obviously desired OM sexually. She says she did, but she would’ve been fine without the sex. It was the emotional and intellectual connection she found exciting. Then she found out OM was simultaneously banging 2 other APs, in addition to his BW, and suddenly he wasn’t so intellectually stimulating. Whatever, that’s all ancient history as far as I’m concerned. Obviously, the problem is her boring, devoted husband who works his ass off to provide for her and her children, no longer gets her motor running. Every time I bring this up, she gets incredibly defensive. The MC has scolded me for even suggesting this. But How can that be anything but the truth?

Fire your MC.

WW won't, then you let WW go by herself.

If the sex is bad and you do not like it then stop

doing it.

I understand you not wanting to be a PT dad. So do

not be one. Enjoy the other parts of your life.

We actually get along fairly well, and are a pretty good co-parenting team. That is basically all we are. If we didn't have the kids, I would've been long gone by now. I think about D every single day. The only times I feel optimistic about the future are when I think about what my life would be like without her. But my kids would be so devastated. Their entire world would be destroyed! I know some people say it's better that kids have 2 happy divorced parents than 2 miserable married parents. I'm not miserable. Our home is not miserable. Our family is actually a pretty happy one, we still do fun stuff as a family. I can't overstate how much I don't want to be a weekend Dad. I love my kids so much, and I want them to grow up in our house, with both of their parents. Like the cheesy Aerosmith song says, "I don't want to miss a thing"!

I can relate to this.

As far as sex goes, her go to line before the A was “I want to want sex... I just feel like part of me has died.” And she has recently pulled that same bullshit. I’ve told her that she willingly had sex with OM, so we know she has sexual desires, just not for me! She claims that’s not true, that it was never about sex with OM. Her attraction to him was that they had likeminded views on things, he felt passionately about things like politics, literature, various social issues like gay rights, etc. I believe in things like gay rights too, but I’m not much of a debater. If they want to get married, let them... end of discussion. My feelings on such matters do not go any deeper.

Classic bull crap line. I have likeminded views with lots of posters on here, politics, literature, social issues (well, maybe not this, but give me some literary license here). I'm fucking exactly 0 of you. You can have "likeminded" views with as many people as you want, when you're sleeping with someone, it's not because you want to have a deeper conversation about our politics in the middle east, it's because you want to get f**ked (or do the f**king, depending on sex). Your feelings on those matters may not be as "in line" with the AP's, but that in no way explains why she could generate sexual desire for the AP and not for you. Take a stroll through some of the threads on this (just look for the really long ones), but, IMHO, this would be a dealbreaker.

ETA. I re-read your post and man, do I feel awful for you. And what I'm going to say won't help, but I almost wonder if we know each other IRL, because man, you just described, to a T, what my friends relate to me about their M's. I'm sorry, know your not alone. Not sure that helps, but your not.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 10:38 AM, May 26th (Saturday)]

Your MC is beyond useless.

You need a therapist with experience of dealing with sexual incompatibility.

Being a martyr is SO overrated.

Some people here think the way to help a hurting spouse who is struggling and coming here for support is to lather, rinse, repeat with comments that are at times condescending. It's not anyone's place to mock another member, especially when they are at a dip in this glorious roller coaster ride we're all on. Everyone here has their OWN journey to travel, their unique circumstances, varying feelings, variables and it is very personal.

This is a support forum. Try and remember that.

Fenderguy,

You navigate this as best as you see fit. If you want to keep the family together for the sake of your children based upon your feeling that this is what will benefit them most, then that's what you do. If you feel you can stay married and arrive at some new norm you can live with, because the marriage you knew is dead, that's what you do. If you need to remove emotion from sex and be able to enjoy it, do it. If you decide it's a deal breaker, file for D.

You do what YOU need and what works for you. There is no set time frame here. You may decide tomorrow to pull the plug. Maybe that won't happen for years. Perhaps never. There simply is no way to be sure yet as you're still trying to figure things out.

You're not a martyr. You're an upstanding father, husband and man who is looking for the best possible outcome including that which effects business partners. I find that admirable.

As a fellow limbo resident, I can relate to your frustration.

Get rid of your MC who doesn't seem to hold much interest in hearing your thoughts and opinions and seems to favor those of your WW. Who knows, maybe the MC has been a WS themselves and has a tendency to relate to her instead. Therapists and counselors are people too and I wouldn't doubt as many of us sit in their offices spewing our rawest emotions that we may be doing so while sitting across from a WS.

I wish you strength, insight, and determination to achieve the hapiness that is due in your life and those of your children.

Obviously, the problem is her boring, devoted husband who works his ass off to provide for her and her children, no longer gets her motor running. Every time I bring this up, she gets incredibly defensive. The MC has scolded me for even suggesting this. But How can that be anything but the truth?

MC is rug sweeping. It's your $'s find another. Why do you take this shit?

Start saying what you think and let the chips fall where they may.

You want to be a martyr you'll find it won't get you a thing.

I don’t consider myself a martyr. I consider myself a logical person who has weighed the pros and cons, and realize that at this time it’s much better for everyone that I do not get a D.

My situation is not as simple as “sell the house, split the money”. I wish it was. I can’t say too much about my career, but my business partners and their families could potentially suffer if this were to get out of hand. I trust my lawyer completely. I’ve dealt with him for years, he knows his shit. He’s also my 2nd cousin or something. Not closely related enough to get together at Christmas, but close enough that he has my well being in mind.

I agree the MC has to go. WW likes her, obviously. IMO, a MC is a business person. Keeping the wife happy usually means repeat business. I don’t trust the counseling community very much.

I have a friend who got divorced a couple years ago. He was in a sexless marriage. Neither of them were good spouses, they needed to D. Now he’s in a relationship with a very supportive woman who just happens to have a very healthy sex drive. My buddy is now having the time of his life! They’re very much into fulfilling each other’s fantasies. Makes me think about my own sex life. My only fantasy at this point is to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me... and I’m not sure that’ll ever happen again. How pathetic is that?

So is it still just about the sex? Or the rug sweeping, you seem hung up on the sex.

Her affair partner made her feel intellectually stimulated, didn't view her as a mom, a house cleaner, a cook, and to him she came with no baggage and preconceived notions about her sexually. So while it wasn't about great sex for her with him, he made her feel a way about herself that allowed her to be comfortable enough to be more free sexually. I'm sure you know by now it has nothing to do with you.

All OM did was shovel BS and it had more value than all you do. This will not change and will continue to get worse.

She is not connected to you.

Pink, I apologize if it seems that I'm just worried about the sex. That's just where my head was the last couple days that caused me to write this post. Obviously I'm a very sexual person, but I don't have unrealistic expectations of what our sex life should be like after 12 years of marriage. I just mourn the fact that unless something in her changes, I will probably never have good sex with her again. And I do not wish to get my needs met elsewhere.

I realize that her cheating was not about me. Yet, it kinda was. I tried very hard to be a good, supportive husband. I thought I was a good husband. I worked very hard at it. I loved her. I thought the world of her, just like everybody who knows her still does. And yet, I wasn't good enough. I tried to not treat her like my personal maid and cook. I really did try to bend over backwards to make her life easier, because I wanted to. I tried to let her know that I saw her as more than the mother of my children. I tried to let her know everyday how much I loved her, and how lucky the kids and I were to have her. But I get it. She didn't have to coordinate schedules with AP. She didn't have to wash his dirty laundry, or discuss boring things like paying bills with him.

The rugsweeping really does bother me the most. It's been easier for her to put the affair behind her. She was there, she knows what it was like... it's easier for her to put the affair into a box and file it away. I have no clue... all I have is what she told me to be the truth, and the scenario's that are created in my mind. I realize that wallowing in my sorrows about the A are not going to help me move forward. I guess I'm just kind of disappointed in the rugsweeping. I'm not trying to be demanding and make her jump through hoops.

Sorry, but I am going to harp on about sex just one more time. A few months ago was my birthday. We went out, got a hotel room, and went for dinner/drinks with some friends. Had fun, almost felt like a normal couple for once. By the end of the night, she was too drunk to have sex (she's a lightweight, doesn't drink very much). And then the next day, she was too hungover to have sex. So 2 days after my birthday, we finally have sex... and it was just as I described above. Basically masturbating with her vagina. She doesn't see anything wrong with this. She believes there is nothing wrong with our sex life, and doesn't see what I have to complain about. Says most of her friends rarely ever have sex with their husbands, and treat my wife like she's a porn star. It was then that I realized that my needs, my desires for a normal sex life, mean nothing to her.

I also miss just having "my person". Someone who I feel is in my corner and has my back. I don't feel that way with her. I feel like if I had a problem in my life and I talked to her about it, she'd just lecture me about how it was my fault. If I had an argument with Adolf Hitler himself, she'd find a way to take his side. If I have a good day, I don't really tell her about it anymore... she simply doesn't seem interested. Or it's "well I'm glad YOU'RE having a good day, my day was AWFUL because blah blah blah...". No matter how stressed I am, how tired I am, how hard I've worked, it's always 10x worse for her.

She also never really wants to do anything fun. She's all about kids, work and obligations. Some friends invited us to go to a concert in a couple weeks, and she threw a big fit because we have too much to do. We actually have nothing planned that night, but just a lot of obligations and such in that general timeframe that she didn't want to add something to the list that might actually be fun. I sometimes feel like I need a girlfriend in addition to a wife... somebody I can do fun things with and have sex with. I understand that's wayward thinking, but I gotta admit, sometimes I see the appeal.

So while it wasn't about great sex for her with him, he made her feel a way about herself that allowed her to be comfortable enough to be more free sexually. I'm sure you know by now it has nothing to do with you.

Pink, with all due respect, what you say is nonsense. If a woman wants intellectual validation for herself, she definitely does not go to another man’s bed. I, personally, get intellectual validation by delivering results at workplace. I certainly do not have to sleep with my work colleagues to feel confident about my intellectual abilities.

His wife simply does not deserve a good man like OP. Lots of women have to do unglamorous housework, but they still behave like ladies. His wife is not a lady, but only gives women in general a bad name.

I agree the MC has to go. WW likes her, obviously. IMO, a MC is a business person. Keeping the wife happy usually means repeat business. I don’t trust the counseling community very much.

Of course your WW loves her. You don't have to go there.

Better take charge