SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday was D-day for me. I'm so broken. My wife has been sexting for 2 months w/my best friend (who is married) and they arranged to meet twice in a parking lot to have sex in the last month. They started using Instagram msg discretely to communicate and deleted everything. I suspected it and caught them msg'ing right in front of me. I was actually there with him when he text her about sex and she said she is heading in to take a shower and join her. She denied everything. He told his wife the truth. She started with it was only sexting then finally yesterday admitted to the physical part. She seems to have come clean on all the details and answer all my questions. including sex positions. It was so painful to hear and don't think I can ever look at her the same. We've been so happily married for 15 yrs w/2 amazing children 10 and 12. She said it was for attention, she was vulnerable and he took advantage of that. I can't stop crying. The A is over, he is a handyman with nothing so his wife kicked him out. only some tools and a truck. We just built a $1M home and have lots of assets...so my wife claims the A is over and seems remorseful. I'm sorry to say but parking lot sex forces me to look at her as some slut I never knew. I have a hard time look at my kids faces and crying to know that pain this is going to cause. I came from a catholic family w/six kids and faith and family is everything. She is an only child who's dad left for another women when she was 2. I've ready every article on this site. Its so helpful. I'm really only concerned about the best choice for my kids and I feel so concerned that its to stay here w/her for them.

I'm so sorry you're here.

"She said it was for attention, she was vulnerable and he took advantage of that."

yeah, she's not remorseful. She's not taking responsibility.

Is she in IC? Are you?

I would start there.

I would really detach from her too, while you seek clarity.

She's blame shifting.

First steps are important. Take care of your physical health. Drink water. Exercise. Rest.

Separate from her for a bit to give yourself space to clear your head. Use a guest room if you have one, or move her to an "extended stay" for a week or so.

Don't make any major decisions in haste.

((Joel1111))

I'm so sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad you did. It is the best group of people to help you navigate through the shit storm.

There will be lots of people posting their thoughts, questions and suggestions. Know that they are all here because they have experienced the pain of infidelity and really do have your best interests at heart.

I'm glad to know you are reading through here already, I hope you have visited the Healing Library, top left of your screen. Read through it over and over, it is very helpful.

Recovering from infidelity takes a long, long time but it can be done. There are so many emotions you will experience and a lot of times it will feel out of control. Take care of yourself and your kids. Drink lots of water, eat when you can and try to get sleep. (It sounds silly now, but you will understand it is good advice!)

Know that you did nothing to push your wife to cheat, she is 100% responsible for her choices. Cheating is not a 'mistake', it is a series of selfish choices that the cheater conscientiously makes. You say she is remorseful but it is too soon to tell. She regrets being caught, but she has a long way to go before true remorse.

Know that you don't have to make any decisions right now, you just need to focus on staying healthy and protecting yourself and your kids. Don't make any promises to her and take your time with everything.

Crying comes with the territory, let it out!!!

Do you feel that there is more she is hiding from you? Does it matter?

[This message edited by HenryIIX at 9:51 AM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

she was vulnerable and he took advantage of that

If this is how she's going to play it then you need to file for divorce right away.

This is a perfect example of what keeps coming back to me years after d-day.

You have a husband, that we will assume is a hard working regular guy, doing all the thing a good man, father, and husband should be doing, confronted with this mess. None of it remotely his fault.

He has built a good living, provided a house and assets for the future, and the rug of trust has been pulled out from under him.

He has no desire to split up the family, cause pain and confusion on his children, embarrass his family, or start splitting up assets and bank accounts, all of which he has worked so hard to build and nurture.

So what price does the wife pay? Harm has been done, to the husband and to the family.

Does a "Sorry, I screwed up" make amends in full? How does a spouse justify forgiveness when no penalty is imposed?

I wish, in my circumstances, that I would have demanded the wife leave the house, at least for some period of time. Two weeks, two months, something. If nothing more than just a physical reality of some consequence. Let her live in a motel for awhile. Stay with her mother and explain why. Just some tangible "punishment".

Maybe require a post-nup agreement. I know that begins to sound vindictive or like blackmail, but what else can you do so it shows consequence?

[This message edited by twisted at 10:12 AM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

Im sorry you're in this man. A couple strong suggestions.

- it wasn't only twice. My WW said it was only twice too. I think that's because no one would believe only once.. and three or more is their own fucked up threshold before they cross over into being a whore in your eyes? Again. It wasn't only twice. Trust me.

- Lawyer. Do not tell her you are seeing one. Find out about post-nuptial agreements. Find out all your rights where you live. Protecting yourself protects your kids. Be the responsible parent.

- Cut all ties with your "BF". Don't physically do anything to him. Please. You will be proud of yourself more than you can imagine a year from now. It's going to be hard... But trust me on this one.

Good luck

Hey friend and welcome to the best club nobody wants to have to join.

First things first:

There is no need to take or make any life-altering decision right now. Give yourself a precious commodity and that is TIME. What you are dealing with won’t go away and frankly it won’t get any worse. Even if she were to carry on with the affair all that would do is make things clearer – not worse.

Make sure you eat and drink fluids. No alcohol. Don’t feel hungry? Then get some suppliments like a protein shake. Eat a banana every 3 hours. Gobble a hamburger for lunch. Whatever. Just make sure your body has liquids and energy.

Don’t keep this internalized. Talk to a friend, brother, sister, pastor… whatever.

Exercise. If you jog then up your program. If not then start walking.

If you can’t sleep then get some mild sleeping aid.

It would be utter stupidity to not recognize that divorce is a viable option out of this pain. Start researching what the Big D looks like in your state. What can you expect? What’s the process? Simply checking on this is not a declaration of that’s where you intend to go. Look at it as if you were placing your seat-belt on before hitting the highway. It’s a precaution.

And keep posting. There is hope. We can help you out of this situation.

I agree with twisted. kick her out (especially since she denied it) for a couple months and also have her take a polygraph.

Joel,

I'm really only concerned about the best choice for my kids...

Change this up a little bit because you don't have to make a choice about your M right now. It is too soon. The best thing for your kids is to have a dad who heals from her betrayal. That has to be done with or without her or the M.

If you 'stay for the kids' but do not heal, they will come from a broken home. Staying for the kids can be a tremendous motivating factor. So tremendous that you overlook doing the hard work that is needed to take care of yourself. The extent to which you heal determines the extent to which you will be present in their lives. "Present in their lives" isn't the same as physical presence.

Did this best friend do work on your house?

How old is your wife?

I am Catholic as well. Holding and saying my rosary over and over brought me the greatest comfort. I would fall to sleep holding it.

Since faith is important to you. I highly recommend Sarah Young’s Hope Through His Presence. You can order from Amazon or pick it up at Hobby Lobby.

Because of the 15 year marriage; please run to a lawyer. You need to find out what the cut off is for life time alimony. In my state life time alimony began at 17 years of marriage.

Gather all of your facts.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Hi, Joel, welcome to SI.

You have gotten some great advice so far, I just want to add a couple of things.

she was vulnerable and he took advantage of that

^^^She's placing the blame on him. She was a willing participant. No one held a gun to her head.

Please make an appt with your doctor for some temporary medications to help you cope. Both of you tested for STDs asap as well.

Also find a good counselor, NOT a marriage counselor, a counselor who can help you navigate this mess.

Take care of yourself as best as you can. Understand you do not have to make any decision today about your future.

SuckaNomore:

- it wasn't only twice.

He's probably right. They always say "twice". I don't know why, maybe once just isn't believable, even to them, but they don;t want to make it any worse, so twice seems like a good number.

I had forgotten, they always say twice. It's a sure sign it been a lot more.

He's probably right. They always say "twice". I don't know why, maybe once just isn't believable, even to them, but they don;t want to make it any worse, so twice seems like a good number.

I had forgotten, they always say twice. It's a sure sign it been a lot more.

Just another of the gems of lies told by WS's. It's up there with "the sex was no good" "we didn't finish" "I wanted to end it" blah blah blah...

Kick her out.

Make her live in the truck with her lover.

Seriously, she must face wrenching consequences.

She did it in front of you. They both knew they were playing with you and your family. She knew the possible cost and she still went forward with it. Once you caught her and it all came out she still lied..

Your never going to get the truth. This will not be the last time you have to deal with this if you stay with her.

I personally would just tell she has to leave for a few weeks. When she says I have no place to go tell her that is her problem but where ever she goes if she is in any way shape or form in contact with your friend then she need not bother ever coming back.

You need time to think clearly. You need time to consult with family and a therapist as well as attorneys. As far as her family I would expose everything you have to them now so she cant rewrite history moving forward.

I am sorry you are going through this. I personally think people that cheat should go to jail. I think its mental and physical abuse and neglect of any children involved.

C

@Curious9

She did it in front of you. They both knew they were playing with you and your family. She knew the possible cost and she still went forward with it. Once you caught her and it all came out she still lied

You know I read that part but didn't really think about it deeply until you pointed it out. Not only was she cheating but she has such little respect for the OP, both of them do, that they did this basically right in front of his face. All her words now are just CYA damage control. Her actions are what speak loudest and her actions were to cheat with his friend right in front of his face.

Wow, the best group I never wanted to join! Thx so much for all the guidance. Yes, ironically he did do work on our house. My wife is 40 and truly an amazing mother. We set the boundaries, I have full access to everything on her phone..etc. Contract in process. She is starting w/a counselor this week. I'm guessing I will be integrated in at some point. I have a mtg w/my general doc next week for some possible short term mood pills for depression/anxiety that could arise. I understand the first part is my healing. Its only been 2 nights but I understand the importance energy (work out, water, food, sleep). Re the blame - she said it started as texting..."you are so beautiful"..."you are amazing"..."have an amazing day at class" (she's a fitness trainer a few classes a week). I'm also relying heavily on my family. 5 bro and sisters that all are married w/great families. They and 6 close friends are my rock. I won't make any decisions for month, until my head is clear and I'm healthy mentally. Pls understand - she truly is an amazing person, who loved me so much at one point and I loved her with everything I had. People admired to be around us all the time because they admired how we treated each other. This has shocked everyone. She is a people pleaser. He was going thru the death of his mother of the last couple months. Does her response around needing attention and he leveraging that really sound like a pile of crap? I'm not making excuses, I believe its crap but you have all been thru this too. After she claimed to come clean (including details on the sex positions & seemed to answer every question I could think of) I felt I have the full story. The part that I can't get over is that fact rolled out over 2 days. First fact was sexting - so she admitted it. Next fact was actually texting him after the sexting was discovered, she denied that until I showed her the text she sent. Then the sex, she denied that one last, after I gave her an hour to come clean and a last chance to be honest w/me...she denied it. Then he admitted it to his wife and gave details about locations etc.....presented with this new fact, she then admitted it. I never realized how something like this can truly break a persons spirit, heart, trust and ability to love someone that once meant so much.

Please get STD testing ASAP and do not have sex with your wife until she is proven safe.

I doubt if this is Mr. "Handyman's" first rodeo. He's probably visited many a lady at home.

HI

I am sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found us. Welcome to the last club you ever wanted to join.

Aside from the advice you have gotten already. The best thing I can offer as advice is that you talk to an IC (that is a individual counselor). While your faith will be something you lean on during this time faith based counselors aren't the best for this type of situation. The tendency in faith based counseling is to ignore the trauma and begin to guilt/push you into forgiving.

Forgivness given early on is not real forgiveness or grace. It is usually fake and ends up creating a lot of resentments.

I have to agree that your W needs to experience the full effect of the consequences of her choices. She needs to be 100% transparent on all devices, be accountable for 100% of her time. She needs to get into IC so she can work through the lies she is telling herself right now. Her A was not about you or anything you did or did not do. Every M can be improved, but she had many choices that did not involve going outside of the family. Any answer she gives that puts any blame on the OM or you is not the "real" reason. STD test now and in 6 months are a good idea. Some BS DNA test their kids. Others ask for a polygraph test to solidfy that the know the truth. A written timeline with as much detail as you need is a good idea too. She needs to agree to never talk, text or see him ever again. No contact is for life and is a prerequisite for any talk of reconciliation.

It is very common for a WS to minimize the details and while I can't say for sure if that is the case here, my experience has taught me there is always more than she willingly admitted.

Not matter what she says right now, it was a choice she made. Heck it was the same choice made several times. It is 100% on her. Until she shows that through words that match her actions don't believe her words or her crocodile years. She is crying for herself, not the dysfunction she brought to your family.

Remorse takes time to set in.

The general rule of thumb is to take your time and research all of diretions you can go. Doing nothing is still a choice BTW. Not recommended, but I think you understand.

Lastly, I know it feels like your life is rife is ruined right now. It just means it might look different that you expected it to be. Realize that many times during your life you have had to envision a different future.

You will laugh, smile and enjoy life again. This horrible time in your life will become a badge of honor that you wear proudly. It tested you and you came out on the other side.

I suggest IC for both of you. I also suggest meeting with your MD. You would not be the first BS that needed medical intervention to be able to function through this very dramatic time.

Me, I am almost 7 years out from my Dday and I am happy with my life and myself. I reconciled with my W, but it took a lot of work on her part to earn that. I think about the A now, but it doesn't sting nearly as bad.

Keep reading and posting. Educate yourself about your options. Read about infidelity. See an IC to help you process your thoughts and help finalize what direction you want to take that is best for you. I know that sounds selfish, but it is the only way that you recover from this and get back to your awesome life again.

I am really, really sorry for what has happened. It is not your fault and it was not your choice. However you don't see the power you have right now to steer your life in any direction you choose.

Your W only keeps her family intact if you are able to find grace. IF you can't there is nothing wrong with that. It is a highly personal and individual decision. You have time. No need to rush anything. Keep posting it really does help.