SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're hurting and having a hard time because you're obviously a good man who honors his commitments.

The 180 is to help you detach. So start detaching.

1. Get together with some male friends and do some physical activity to get your mind busy.

2. Go hit the gym HARD. Nothing like lifting heavy shit to make you feel like you've accomplished something. (squats, dead lifts, military & bench presses, rows, lat pull downs, etc)

3. Take up hobby or activity that you've wanted to do but life got in the way.

4. Go get your wardrobe, hair, beard, and hygiene on point. (will do wonders for your self esteem when you like what you see in the mirror.)

5. Get out of the house without saying what you're doing. Even if you're just spending some time in the library. Get out of the house and out of her sight. (let her wonder)

6. Get on your knees and pray. ( I know you're feeling particularly religious with what you've faced but you must know that God is still good.)

[This message edited by Jsmart at 7:57 PM, June 10th (Sunday)]

Does the 180 include filing for Divorce?

I worry about filling. I don't wanna stay where we are at and would rather divorce so that's not the worry.

The worry is what happens when she wants me back... it'll happen, I almost guarantee. I worry I'll be in too far to give a shit at that point

I think you should file. As the filer, you can always stop your divorce at any time. But in the meantime the momentum of the case tends to incite people to action.

That's part of it....why should it take filing for divorce in incite action....such a turn off. I've been really careful in my thoughts about filing.

1. Don't wanna use it as a threat

2. Don't wanna use it to get her back

3. Want to make sure that I'm truly ready

I think I'm there but I'm scared to death

Unfortunately, in most cases, it takes action from the BS in order to get the WS to wake up.

Doing nothing will achieve nothing.

Unlike you, I was dead set on D. I wanted out as soon as I confirmed that my WW repeatedly chose AP over me. It was only then she fort tooth and nail, kicking and screaming, begging on top of her lungs for me not to leave. It was simply because I was not ever going to settle with feeling second place to AP inside my own M. The only reason we're still together is because she refused to give up on us even when I did. I threw her scraps of hope and she held on to them for dear life itself. She was willing to do whatever it took to save us because she knew I wasn't taking any of her crap. And you know what, I still don't see filing for D as controlling, because it was genuine intent from me.

You do not have to file if that's not what you want and I do not recommend it. But you need to look after yourself.

180 hard. Look at the points Jsmart made.

The key point here is to take care of YOU! It will also show your WS that you're detaching from her and don't give a crap what she does from now on. Your WS will notice this and may understand her inaction as the reason you feel like that. The coolness of your attitude might wake her up or not, that does not matter. Focus on yourself and detach from her for your own health.

Sometimes, a BS has to be hard in order for a WS to get over their immaturity.

[This message edited by SouthAfricanMan at 5:58 AM, June 11th (Monday)]

Does the 180 include filing for Divorce?

Not necessarily,

what it is is a great process for getting your feet back under you.

To detach slightly from the betrayal, and to start putting YOU and YOUR well-being at the forefront.

It helps you to gather your powers and think things through a little more analytically.

SerJR (who wrote the "Tactical Primer" pinned to the top of the JFO Forum) has some great pointers about the 180 here.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid232785&ap1#message3278885

He says "The 180 isn't supposed to be a manipulation tactic magically designed to win your WS back - and when it's used that way it doesn't work. It's designed to help you become strong enough to detach and begin building a life without them. If you truly let go of your WS and move on - then (and probably only then) they might actually appreciate what they've lost. If you make empty threats, set boundaries you have no intention of defending, and only "pretend" to move on - your WS will continue to assume you aren't going anywhere. And they'll be right."

Here - he outlines the "simplified 180"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid598080&ap1#message7757512

and finally "Everyone should reconcile.... with themselves"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.profile.asp?UserID14993&v1&fid&hl&ap101

Hopefully, LD - these posts will help you as much as they have helped me.

That's part of it....why should it take filing for divorce in incite action....such a turn off. I've been really careful in my thoughts about filing.

1. Don't wanna use it as a threat

2. Don't wanna use it to get her back

3. Want to make sure that I'm truly ready

GOOD!!!!

I'm glad that you can see this in yourself - that is great self-awareness, especially in your two traumas.

There is a great mantra here on SI

"take what you need, and leave the rest"

I'm sure you're not about to be ordered by "the internet" to immediately divorce your Wife - and bravo to you.

You sound very sensible.

So,

Stay calm.

Deep breaths

Take your time (you have a LOT going on in your life)

Keep posting.

There are lots of us here who want to support you through both of your traumas ((((DL)))).

Sending you hugs and strength.

MOB x

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^. MOB is spot on!

The 180 should include at least the looking deeply into what divorce will look like.

Sometimes the 180 snaps the wayward out of the fog when they see you moving on with your life. But in your case since this has been festering for so long and she is obviously giving her faithfulness to OM, it is doubtful you will reap that benefit. To be honest with how long this has been going on and also how in your face she's being about this, it doesn't seem like there is any marriage left to fight for.

There have been some who have snapped their WW out of the fog when they filed and showed they were serious about it, including SouthAfricanMan. Having read his and his FWW's threads, proves it does work.

I can see you're like most men of honor, not wanting to use manipulation to get what you want. But your inaction has put you in limbo. Your WW is not going to come to her senses on her own. Filing changes the dynamic, forcing her to evaluate everything.

Most of these POS are not looking to wife up a cheating woman with another man's kids. This guy is in it for the free wanton sex and emotional kibbles of having a married mother throw everything to the side to be with him. He's probably future faking her but it's just words.

These guys will keep it up, sometimes even after being exposed, getting the WW to think her plan A branch is securely in place for her to swing to. When the reality of what he's getting hits him, POS bail on her at last second, causing her to all of the sudden put a death grip on to her plan B branch.

Right now in the words of Bigger, you need to get out of infidelity. Divorcing will be better than finding yourself 2 years still in this same situation.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 7:40 AM, June 11th (Monday)]

I can see you're like most men of honor, not wanting to use manipulation to get what you want. But your inaction has put you in limbo

Just to reassure LD, that deciding to not make any decisions YET, is a decision in itself...... don't be dismayed by "limbo".

In my honest opinion, it would be helpful for you to at least come to terms (acceptance) with the two traumas in your family life right now.

Maybe, upon reflection, you will reach the conclusion that - your Wayward Wife should NOT be either your top priority, or your most important concern right now.

Detach

Detach

Detach

from her fucked-upness, and concentrate on YOU and your children.

Perhaps if you don't care about her so much, then you won't care about HER so much.

Strength and peace to you,

MOB

Just to reassure LD, that deciding to not make any decisions YET, is a decision in itself...... don't be dismayed by "limbo".

In my honest opinion, it would be helpful for you to at least come to terms (acceptance) with the two traumas in your family life right now.

I agree about taking some time but it’s been 8 months since Dday 2. His inactive approach has just let thing deteriorate further and caused OP to fall deeper into despair.

BTW: is POS married or in a committed relationship? If he is, have you exposed his OBS?

Yeah, his wife knows. We've traded stories and such. She's a bit crazy, and not the brightest crayon in the box. Can't ever stick to a plan. Not his first affair...suprise suprise

Some of the comments are sounding as though my kids are not #1 on my plate right now. Rest assured that I'm giving them all I've got.

Where the cancer stuff gets hard is that I don't have someone to be close to...in lots of ways. I could use some comfort lol

Some of the comments are sounding as though my kids are not #1 on my plate right now. Rest assured that I'm giving them all I've got.

From what you've posted - I don't doubt it for one minute LD.

Sometimes, it's helpful to remind others though.

Where the cancer stuff gets hard is that I don't have someone to be close to...in lots of ways. I could use some comfort lol

And that's one of the very hardest things....

It's natural that we seek comfort and support from our partner - so when they're the very person who has stabbed us in the back it absolutely feels isolating.

Forgive me if I missed it LD.

Are you in (or would you consider) IC (individual counselling)?

I think it may be very helpful for you to talk some of this through with a professional in real life.

MOB

Yeah, I've been doing IC since Sept. What prompted that was my son's cancer, and at that point knew my wife was texting him behind my back/hiding it. I didn't know what it fully was yet, but I was at my Max...so I went.

I probably need to get in more regularly at this point. Our brief stint to MC kinda through it off.

I am going to hijack this for a minute.

Guys, when your child is facing the kind of treatment his baby did nothing touches the fear you feel. It takes over everything. He is nowhere near calm enough to make life altering decisions. Add to that a wife who is running away emotionally and you have Armageddon.

Dad, take a deep breath. As gently as possible I tell you that you need everyone here to help you prepare for the inevitable. You don’t have a marriage. Your wife did not all of a sudden decide she doesn’t love you because your son became ill. Whatever is going on in her head is so past understanding that you need to move on. That is what the 180 is for. It gives you the support, ability and desire to pull you out of pain. You do not deserve any of this. We never know why bad things happen to children or to loyal spouses. Don’t as those questions. Ask how you can move on being the best father you can.

Thank you so much for understanding

It's so hard. This is part of why I suck at the 180. I still have to manage appt schedules, pick up schedules, chemo treatments, daily meds etc with someone who had checked out. We are all taking bouts of time off work to watch the kids as it's not safe for him to be in a daycare setting due to his immunocompromised state.

The betrayal off someone running when you need them most is the cherry on a shit-sunday

Dad, don’t try the 180 right now. Just let all of us be here to support you until you can. There are no rules you have to follow except what your children need. One foot in front of the other. Just that.

My kids deserve a dad that's happy and respected.

They deserve to see a proper relationship between two people that love each other.

Good damn that they have to see the little they do at this point. It's not fair, I can't shield them. They know we're not good.

Today has been tough, I feel my insides dying.

"My kids deserve a dad that's happy and respected.

They deserve to see a proper relationship between two people that love each other.

Good damn that they have to see the little they do at this point. It's not fair, I can't shield them. They know we're not good.

Today has been tough, I feel my insides dying."

A happy part-time dad is better than a depressed, coping full-time dad. You agree in your statement that they can see what's going on.

It's upon you to step up and take full control of this situation and make it as good as you can for the kids. If that includes divorce, then at least they'll have a happy dad that they can visit. At this point I would think that serving your cheating wife with divorce papers won't make the situation worse. I would think that it would actually make it better for the kids.

Your wife left the marriage a long time ago. It's you who hasn't accepted that it's dead. Perhaps it's time that you step up to the plate and embrace the reality that you've been handed.

I wish the best for you and your kids.

I can appreciate your response and I get where you're coming from. I might suggest toning down your rhetoric of whatever it is you think I'm not doing or acknowledging. It isn't helpful.

This is my marriage at stake, my family. I owe it to everyone involved to be slow, patient, and careful about my decisions. If you think that comes off as not acknowledging the death of the relationship or not being in control well I will disagree

Thank you for your response, I get it

LD I am sorry you are here

I am sorry your son is sick

I am sorry for all your sorrow

But the long and short of it is

you are only in this position because you have allowed it

Please Please stand up for yourself and your children

File expose shock and awe

Clear and present detachment

Formulate a plan to remove yourself from infidelity and execute it

Your future and dignity depend on it

327

[This message edited by PaulR327 at 7:26 PM, June 11th (Monday)]