SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Loving Dad, I'm sad that you feel the kids aren't getting the family you think they deserve......No, they are so blessed to have you fighting for them, doing all that you can. Without you? What would it be? You are amazing. Never forget it.

Just do as much as you can. The whole 180 is probably too hard. You will find the right balance. No one should have to save a child and a marriage at the same time.

Your focus is it should be, on your son and your children. Your children are lucky to have you. Make sure to do as Bigger suggested and take some “me” time for you for your own health. Purehearkit is correct, you will find the right balance between detaching from your WW and maintaining the household activities for your family. Quite frankly your WW’s actions are pathetic and so selfish at a time like this.

My advice for now is keep going to IC, detach and ignore your WW as much as possible, do nice things for yourself that will make you feel better and keep healthy. Please remember that you did nothing to make your WW cheat. That is totally on her. No marital issues ever justify breaking the wedding vows. If your WW wanted to be with another man she could get a divorce like a normal person with a shred of integrity. Take your time. There is no rush. Strength to you as you move forward.

Struggling today

Can't find my balls anywhere. I'm scared to file. How did my relationship get here? Why is she so messed up in the head? I've backed off for a few weeks now, why isn't she missing me? Why won't she talk? Yet at the same time I know that I can't fix it....I'm feeling rather dead inside today, the agony of death, not numbness

I know you all understand

Praying for you LD.

I have to repost Pureheartkit

Loving Dad, I'm sad that you feel the kids aren't getting the family you think they deserve......No, they are so blessed to have you fighting for them, doing all that you can. Without you? What would it be? You are amazing. Never forget it.

Just do as much as you can. The whole 180 is probably too hard. You will find the right balance. No one should have to save a child and a marriage at the same time.

For now, take the time to focus on yourself. With your wife abandoning her post on the family watchtower, Your kids need a mentally and physically healthy dad to take both positions on the towers.

Please eat good quality food. If you're like most BHs, your appetite is gone and you're not looking or feeling healthy. Drink ensure. It's loaded with needed protein. Then get your but in the gym. Vigorous exercise will boost your T levels, which I'm sure have dropped due to stress and diet.

As you health returns, you need to busy your mind with positive activities. I'm sure there things around the house that need mending. Get busy. Think about things to improve yourself career wise.

You also need friends in real life. You're carrying a very heavy burden. Don't let fear or embarrassment prevent you from reaching out.

Well, I'm burning today.

Found out that indeed the AP was at the BBQ. Was told "I had no control over that" to which I replied that she had full control "she could have left.

It hurts me greatly but it may just be time to move on. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep waiting to see the person I know is there somewhere.

The thing that sucks is that I start second guessing myself after like 3 days. I wish I was more of an asshole who didn't care....but I'm not.

I wish I was more of an asshole who didn't care....but I'm not.

Your ability to care, is a strength. If you didn't have that ability to care, where would your son be? Where would the rest of your children be? Neglected, most likely.

Use your anger productively. Write down a To Do List. I'm a big fan of lists. On each line, put down just one thing that you need to do, to educate yourself about potentially ending your marriage. Re-work that list until you have a series of very basic steps, all labeled. Make them specific and break them down into sub-tasks.

1) Google "MyState divorce laws"

- read

- Use any calculators for child support

etc

2) Lawyer

- Go online and google "men's rights lawers in MyTown"

- Write down the contact info

- Call one and ask the cost to schedule an appointment.

Schedule an appointment

and so forth. Just one step at a time to become educated. You can pick up the list and work it step by step whenever you have the time or inclination. And make a list for yourself. A list of things that you need to do each day, and an overall list of things you should do for yourself, like finding time to work out, scheduling one-on-one time with your child(ren), things that will feed your soul. Get that oxygen mask on, so you can do the things you need to do to make sure your children are taken care of.

And move at the pace that you're comfortable with. That supports your primary goal of making sure that your children are taken care of, and then that you are taken care of. Be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself. Detach as much as possible from your WW. Cultivate indifference as much as you can, and other than those necessary arrangements for your children's care, 180 and go NC as much as possible. Start living your life for you and for your children. Your WW fired you from caring for or about her, so do the best you can to detach. Because it's healthy for you.

But most of all, be that loving and concerned and awesome father that you are. That we can all see.

Thank goodness for your children and family that you are the type of person who cares. It is a strength not a weakness. All of what you are going thru is so very difficult and emotionally draining. Be good to yourself. Skan has given you some great steps to take. I hope that it is something you can follow thru with.

But please know this:

Your WW is also aware that you are the type of thoughtful person who cares deeply about maintaining your family, and she has demonstrated that she has no compunction about using this against you, to manipulate you, gaslight, and blameshifting. You know it and she knows it. Don’t let her get away with it.

You are so right about her using my kindness against me. I once heard someone say "don't mistake my kindness for weakness" and I really wanted to connect to that.

I have done quite a bit of educating...it's part of what has kept me sane over the last 8+ months. I have met with a lawyer to get some of the basics. May be calling tomorrow to see how we go from here. It's hard to detach and make myself happy and still be there for the kids. I'm either all in or all out it seems. After 8+ months of no remorse, no empathy, and honestly no intimacy...I've reachedy limit

No Loving Dad, your caring is what helped pull your son through. That is a strength. That is the essence of love for a man, sacrifice for others.

we know you feel weak but despite shit storm, you still picked up your weapon and went to war for your son. Day in, day out. No glamour, no "you're such a good husband." Yet, there goes Loving Dad, walking the perimeter, taking sniper fire from within the gate from a treason wife, thanklessly performing his duty.

After reading 1000s of threads, you become like Neo in the Matrix, able to see things in the code. In your case, I'm sorry to say, that the affair is on going. She remains loyal to the enemy.

Most women are not emotionally able to have sex with more than one man. She's cut you off because she's loyal to her boyfriend. Being kind / affectionate or worse, having sex with you, would be she's cheating on her man. That's why she won't even sleep in the same bed with you. Sometimes the POS will instruct the WW to do this and they obediently do it but most times it comes from them.

If you're not emotionally ready to blow this up, then work on getting yourself ready. Start building your new life. Eventually you'll see that Loving Dad can have a beautiful life without a traitor in his home. That you can still be there for your kids.

Don't try to change (or let her or this situation change) who and what you are and how God made you and that's a man/father with a huge heart, who's caring, and loving.

My heart brakes for you as this is the last thing you need while dealing with your child.

As others have said your kids are BLESSED to have you!!!!

Do what you have to do to get out of infidelity, but in the meantime put your focus on your kids and especially your son and his situation.

You and your son are WARRIORS and you both will get through this.

KEEP THE FAITH!!!!!

Will be praying for your son and you.

Brief update:

Talked to her last night. Asked if she was in or out...she basically said she was out. I'll be contacting an attorney today. I can't keep doing this. Today what's hard is that none of this makes any sense

Today what's hard is that none of this makes any sense

It never does.

So, the best you can do is move forward, pick up the pieces and get on with living a great life.

I have done quite a bit of educating...it's part of what has kept me sane over the last 8+ months. I have met with a lawyer to get some of the basics. May be calling tomorrow to see how we go from here. It's hard to detach and make myself happy and still be there for the kids. I'm either all in or all out it seems. After 8+ months of no remorse, no empathy, and honestly no intimacy...I've reachedy limit

Please read what you just wrote again. Everything that is important is right there.

Clearly, she's not "in" at all. She is still seeing her AP. This isn't reconciliation. She is a WAW. When the going got tough she went to the AP...and is still going to the AP.

I'm afraid you don't have anything to work with here. The "family" that you are trying to save, as I see it, is already just you and your W co-parenting. There is no marriage with your W. The things that make it a marriage simply aren't there.

I'd expose far and wide and and then file.

IMO, by filing, you are only formalizing that which is already clearly apparent.

Tron,

Thanks for the reply. I couldn't agree with you more. I just don't understand how it got here...but that's ok, I'm gonna press forward and get through the current suck and rebuild on the other side. I hope karma catches up to her and I also know I need to let that go at some point...just not yet lol

Brief update:

Talked to her last night. Asked if she was in or out...she basically said she was out. I'll be contacting an attorney today. I can't keep doing this. Today what's hard is that none of this makes any sense

Just read this after I posted.

Expose. File.

You will do fine.

When the going gets tough she folds up like a cheap tent. She's gutless. Let her go.

She will regret the D. I guarantee you. But by the time she realizes it, you won't care a whit.

I just don't understand how it got here...but that's ok,

I think that deep down this is who she has always been.

You overlooked it for years. Saw her through rose-colored glasses.

You mentioned her family and how poorly they've treated you and the whole situation. The apple obviously did not fall far from the tree.

Over the next months, as you detach, you are going to wonder more and more what you ever saw in her.

Oh you are so right about the rose colored glasses. I also take some responsibility for that too though. I was/am poor at setting boundaries...in essence enabling her shitty treatment of me.

On the flip side, she's always had this in her and you begin to wonder what else she has done in the past. Things come flying back to me that I'm not sure I'm ok with now. Oh well, cut myself free and move forward

LD, you really need to start the 180 and detach. Detach from your WW and your M, but not from your kids. The energy you were focusing towards the M, you now focus towards your children.

Focus on yourself and your needs. You now see what your WW is and that your M is over. You can't fix it by yourself and it seems now you see that is the situation. Start to work on protecting yourself and your children and deciding on how YOU want your future to look. Then make it happen.

You will be amazed at how much easier it is when you are not spending so much energy trying to fix a M by yourself. It really is a lot of work and it is draining. When you don't have to do that anymore, life is much easier.

You are keeping yourself in limbo at this point until you make the decision to get yourself out of it.