SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WS wife took a job as a restaurant manager in March of 2016. It was a new establishment and very high end. Business is very good to this day.

I had a regular 9-5, and she had been looking for something more fulfilling and better pay for quite some time. We were married after an 8-year engagement later in September of 2016. She worked late nights, and I worked days.

We loved each other dearly and valued the times we were both off together, usually late, late weekend nights and the two evenings a week she would be off when I got home at 5.30 PM.

I am 57, and she is ten years younger, both in good shape. Her kids are grown and out of the house as is my one daughter. This is the second marriage for both of us. In September of 2017, shortly after our 1 year anniversary, she seemed to act a little different. Just my gut talking.

She would work most Friday and Saturday nights till the restaurant closed at 12 and count money. It seemed to be taking a little longer, however. I felt compelled to track her with an iPad for three weeks. I did this for about three weeks and discovered nothing. I felt terrible that I would even suspect anything. We got along great, never argued and had a wonderful sex life. I decided to remove the iPad the next day. The next morning, when she was off work, she texted me she was running to the store and asked if there was anything I needed. I said no. 20 minutes later iCloud showed she was at a park at 9 am about a mile from the restaurant she worked. I jumped in my car and went to the location and found her truck and her general managers, AP, truck parked nose to nose. I walked up to his truck where both of them were “talking inside” and knocked.

She was very quiet as she stepped out. I said “so this is what it feels like” and drove away. My next actions show how a person’s mind can hear and think what it wants and how the WS can prey on those emotions of the BS that dearly loves them. She told me later at home that he had been chewed out by the owner regarding the restaurant’s financial numbers and needed to talk. She apologized for lying about where she was.

Because of her impeccable past with me I tended to believe her. I wanted to believe her. Two months later as I returned home at the end of the day and after she had acted perfectly normal, she suddenly said she was not “in love with me anymore” and was going to move out. She started blaming me saying things like "I was too old and my friends were too old and she wanted a more exciting life with younger people" That I had all of her pet peeves and she wanted to travel more and go to concerts and blah, blah blah... I'm sure he has promised her travel and going out more, and she thinks the grass is greener.

She had gotten her tax check that day and had the funds to move out. She told me she didn't want anything from the marriage. It became a business at that point so I filed immediately, no kids, and uncontested by her, the divorce was final in 10 days. She moved out within a week. The OM wife got in touch and asked if I thought there was something going on between the two of them. I had not shared the meeting in the park with anyone to that point, but I felt impelled to share it with her. She had been tracking his emails and texts. Now, the AP is spending time at her new apartment while the APs wife confronted him with all the emails and texts. He asked for a separation, but his wife went ahead and filed for divorce, not what he wanted. His wife and I have compared notes and everything jives. Both marriages have now ended in divorce and I've chosen not to receive any updates about them form his wife. So far as I know, it is still a secret at their work. I have gone no contact since she moved out. She has emailed me a couple of times needed some little things she left behind. I did not respond, simply mailed them to her.

The two of them continue to deny having a "relationship" before the divorce, even though they both know they were tracked and the body of evidence his wife and I have amassed. None of this should matter to me since I’m single again, but still going through the grieving process.

I want her to know that I am aware of all her lying and cheating to give me some closure. I can’t begin to think this will last for them since he has an 11-year-old daughter and his wife has not worked for seven years.

With all that she has done, I still love who she was and miss her dearly. I could never take her back if this fails for her. I hope I couldn't.

[This message edited by sczinger at 2:18 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)]

(((sczinger))) I'm so sorry you had to find us. And congratulations on the world's fastest sprint out of infidelity. Feel free to tell anyone and everyone you wish that she cheated. Word will get back to her and you remain NC (no contact). You have no kids together, so no issue there.

Know that her wish for a younger crowd and more exciting (vomit) life has nothing to do with you. She knew who you were when she married you.

No surprise OM only wanted a separation. He knows this divorce will cost him half of everything and alimony and CS too. Poor guy. He wanted some strange with your wife, and now he's going to get it through his back door courtesy of his lovely wife.

I understand your need for closure, but you've done so well so far. Stay away from her. You're home free. If you're in contact with her family or friends, tell them instead. Or even just your own friends and family. You need to still process this painful betrayal, even though divorced already. Talking about it is really cathartic. You didn't deserve this.

And by the way, 57 and newly single? And a man of integrity? You're a hot commodity. When you are ready, you'll have no shortage of dates.

Thank you WhoTheBleep. No children, no real estate in both names or bank accounts. She said she wanted nothing when she left except spare bedroom mattress/box spring and some lamps. Didn't even take any of her 3 kids memorabilia boxes with pictures and graduation cards and their entire history... I did a do-it-yourself divorce kit for non-contested divorce with no minors. $148.00 and 10 days after she said "where do I sign"... it was final. I think the fact that it all happened so fast left me traumatized. Like, what just happened. I thank God He gave me just enough wisdom at the right time to treat it like a business.

[This message edited by sczinger at 1:13 PM, June 8th (Friday)]

Hello sczinger,

Welcome to SI, particularly the S & D forum.

We can all empathise with your devastation at finding your wife was betraying you....

I think your decisive action is a good example to some of us here - but we all know how hard this must be hitting you.

This is a good place to safely vent your hurt feelings and frustrations.

As to your wish for closure?

Join the queue, virtually all of us here have absolutely wished that our WS would just "get it".

It's just not going to happen though. She"s gone.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

No contact (in mind, in word, in deed) No new hurts.

Stay strong, and post here often.

We're all walking with you.

MOB

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 2:42 PM, June 6th, 2018 (Wednesday)]

sczinger,

I'm sorry you have to be but I'm glad you found us. I don't think the speed of going through the divorce is what traumatized you it was the depth of the betrayal. It isn't just the cheating we know its also about the deception and realizing that someone you cared for would disregard you and continue to lie despite seeing that you are pain and doing something to help you she double down on taking care of herself. Increased the level of deceit then tried to rewrite the narrative in a way that makes it even harder for you. It's all shit and she sucks.

Seeing as how you live in a place where you can get out of an M quickly it leaves you in a spot that's a bit different from someone like me who has to wait over a year. I know the wound is still fresh and really you could easily be in JFO. though you are already through the D. That matters because it's to be expected that you're going to need time to recover from this and you don't need to rush it.

When you have time I advise looking into the healing library.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have any family or friends you can lean on for support?

Welcome to the club, sczinger. I first found this site during my divorce process so I have an idea of where you are emotionally. The closure may never come from your XW, but you will get a lot of insight here that may perhaps help with finding closure on your own. My XW to this day has not apologized for her affair, much less even admitted she was engaged in one, but the evidence doesn't lie. The only time you will get a "why" from your XW is the day she decides she needs to know that "why" herself, and that may be a while if ever.

I suggest keeping the memorbelia and distributing it to the children when they ask for it. Most will want it as part of their own collection when they start their own families.

She started blaming me saying things like "I was too old and my friends were too old and she wanted a more exciting life with younger people" That I had all of her pet peeves and she wanted to travel more and go to concerts and blah, blah blah... I'm sure he has promised her travel and going out more, and she thinks the grass is greener.

Absolutely none of her affair is on you. It's 100% hers to own. Her claim that you owned all her pet peeves is typical blame-shifting we read about her ALL the time. It's part of what we call the cheater's script - very predictable. The talk of her meeting younger people sounds like a touch of mid-life crisis/empty nest syndrome as well. Look to possible 7 years of her trying out this perceived "youthful" life of partying.

I could never take her back if this fails for her. I hope I couldn't.

Read up on the difference between remorse and regret to help you with this decision. Reconciliation only has a chance of success if she is remorseful. More times than not if they do come back it is with regret. IMO, rarely do waywards reach remorse all on their own and the ones that do reach that point much further down the path in life. By that time, you've likely moved on with your own new beginning and likely with a new woman in your life. Like WhoTheBleep says, you are going to be in demand when you are ready for the dating scene.

I thank God he gave me just enough wisdom at the right time to treat it like a business.

And that was the best way to go about it.

My prediction? When your XW's party train slows its roll towards reality she's going to end up as a hot mess and probably start testing the waters with you again. By that time you will have gained the knowledge from this site to know just the right thing to do when that time comes as well.

(((JDuff)))

Great words. I honestly feel better just bouncing this off people who have gone through this and come out the other side even better. It's funny after she realed off all of my pet peeves she asked me to name some things about her I did not like. Such a child... Her boss, the AP, has had several sexual harassment suits settled out of court at his current job and two previous. He is a predator. I'm genuinely concerned for her safety in the future. What happens when he is done with her and moves on? She works for him. I would think once that happens and he is regretting half of his income now being eaten up by maintenance and child support payments which one of them do you think will leave the workplace? I don't think it will be him. She's out looking for another job and her sugar daddy has left her high and dry.

Her boss, the AP, has had several sexual harassment suits settled out of court at his current job and two previous. He is a predator. I'm genuinely concerned for her safety in the future.

Like most BS's you are blaming him for the most part but he's only taking what she's giving.

He's a lowlife but what does that make her?

You are in love with who you thought she was. The reality is she isn't. Her actions tell you that.

It's all very normal and I suspect once you fully awaken clarity will come.

(((MrMagnolia)))

I have a wonderful, big family that has embraced me and my feelings. Even my XW father and stepmom are so angry with her. Her dad confronted her but she continues to deny any of it. He knows better.

One of the things that really bothers me and just makes me feel stupid is all of the little signs that I just didn't see over the months leading up to her leaving. Even now I'll remember details about something she said or did that give me an aha moment. Just textbook cheating. Saying there was a new bartender that takes forever to count money so XW would be a little later getting home. A couple of bra and panty sets in a bag that I realize now that I never saw on her or in the laundry. Going to the store right after I left for work...knowing now it was to meet the AP somewhere. So many others I can't even think of right now. Seems every day I think of something else, an action, a few words she'd say, a look on her face. Next time, if there is a next time, I'll know those signs. They'll look familiar. It won't be my gut I'm depending on, it will be experience. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm fully healed from this and I can counsel another BS that are going through it.

[This message edited by sczinger at 10:51 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]

sczinger there is nothing you could have done to keep her from cheating or leaving. She is a broken person, and one day she will realize that.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Sometimes you pick a lemon. That's just life. Do everything you can to take good care of yourself.

Her boss, the AP, has had several sexual harassment suits settled out of court at his current job and two previous.

Well, that there is an established pattern of behavior that assures his most recent fling this time with your XW is bound for another failure, don't you think? That dumb SOB doesn't ever learn, does he?

But, Marz is right. Predator or not, dumb SOB or not, your XW should have had the strong boundaries to recognize the situation ahead of time and resist his advances to begin with. Hell, she could have even taken his ass to HR and file yet another harassment complaint! But she didn't, did she? That right there says EVERYTHING you need to know about who really owns her affair, who she really is and that she wanted it to happen. If it wasn't this AP it would have been someone else later down the road.

And you're right that her trying to draw out your pet peeves about her was a childish move. It's akin to what we read here of waywards offering their spouses to even things up with a revenge affair. It was just your wife at the time trying to drag you down that rabbit hole with her to rewrite the marriage as both of you "suddenly seeing all the differences about each other that we cannot live with!". She gets her nugget of rationalization to end the marriage and use it to control the narrative and get everyone focused on that as the "why" instead of the truth of her fucking around behind your back. It was good your eyes were wide open enough to see that for what it was.

I totally get wanting to go back and remembering the details. Infidelity is like a plane crash that happened on your marriage and you want to go through the black box to see if you can find the evidence of the when, where, what, why, and how it all happened. Totally healthy process of evaluation. What worked best for me was to keep a journal on my phone for every thought that came up so that I could record it to analyze later, then get it out of my mind as quickly as possible so I don't ruminate on any one thing for too long. I found doing that helped me process the infidelity and my feelings faster and more efficiently as well as establish a consistent pace of moving forward.

A couple of bra and panty sets in a bag that I realize now that I never saw on her or in the laundry.

Yup. You won't believe how common this behavior is as well. My then wife bought a lot of underwear from victoria secrets...none of which I saw on her at all. They were for the AP.

sczinger, you are in good company here. Explore the site. It is a massive knowledge base on the topic of infidelity. I suggest reading the Wayward threads some but refrain from replying to them until you've gotten familiar with the rules in that forum. I suggest reading threads in JFO to see some similarities in all our stories but it can get "triggery" at times. Most of all I suggest reading the Betrayed Menz thread as well as only men can post there and we can let out "hair" down and speak freely but respectfully, as well as get great tips on beers, scotches and whiskies to try. Basically men's stuff and men's topics. Let me point you to the most recent thread -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=610651

Your human...You have feelings...and you miss what you thought she was....you miss your future..

We all have experienced this...we have this image of our spouses, and they prove they are not trustworthy...its a shock...its unbelievable, and its hard to accept...it takes time...

You will see her more clearly, as time heals you....as they say on SI, it takes 3=5 years to heal thru this....cope...to find yourself....keep reading....this is a very normal way to feel...Im sorry for your pain.

THis was also my second marriage, ending in infidelity....that adds its own special spice to my esteem. You would think this would feel familiar, and I would know how to proceed...understand D better...the two relationships were completely different...one a year long, one 34 years long...same ending.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 12:49 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

I have to say, I think you handled the situation pretty well. You didn't do the pick me dance, as many of us (myself included) have done. And your assessment sounds very astute. Everything seemed to happen quickly, so you are still recovering/grieving. Very reasonable.

Sorry you are dealing with all of this. I'm glad you have a good support base.

Keep focusing on yourself. Your decision to go NC is wise.

I understand your desire to give your XW a piece of your mind. My only advice to you is that you need to be in a place where you don't care what her response is. Don't expect her to be repentant, or sad. Don't expect anything. Do it for yourself and just to let it go.

It's pretty amazing. My brother went through the same things years ago. I asked him when this feeling was going to end. He said "Everyone is different. But one day, after you are just tired of feeling that way, you will wake up one morning and feel like "What a waste of time worrying about her." " I felt that for the first time yesterday morning. Thought about just how fortunate that she didn't wait another ten years, that it only cost me $148.00 for the divorce, that she left 90% of all her belongings legally signed over to me in the divorce decree, that my landlord, who is the same age as me, reduced the rent on the house from $1200 to $900 a month. There is so much upside for me. I'd been saying it to myself the whole time. I just couldn't appreciate it until just now. There will still be triggers and firsts, I realize, but the bigger picture is starting to become much more clear. I'm riding this wave as long as I can.

Wow, what a fucking BITCH!!!!

You know, all of those 'little signs' are so easy to see after the fact. During the M, we trust them so much that these things don't even register on our radar, or if they do we dismiss them and kick our own ass for not trusting them.

That is the hurt of betrayal. I'm sorry that you're here, but keep posting. It really helps to get it all out.

((((sczinger))))

Grab that wave and hang on a minute for sure. Probably there will be a crash but then (I'm hoping too :)) one day there won't be.

I'm glad you are having a good day and thanks for updating.

Let us know if/when you have trouble or if/when you don't. It's great to hear about other people as they go through this shit.

Damn, I guess I should probably do an update sooner or later as well on that note. I post on this forum so much I kind of forgot about it but it's good to give a time stamp on progress when it happens.

Stay Strong,

Welcome, sczinger! Sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Please do spend some time reading in The Healing Library as well as other posts. You will soon see that you are in a very good place with a large group of people the understand exactly what you are feeling.

I'm riding this wave as long as I can.

Please do ride the wave! However, I will caution that there is a reason we call the ride a rollercoaster. You are on the upside right now, but until you are fully healed from the trauma of adultery and your whirlwind divorce, you will likely find yourself occasionally taking emotional dips as well. Unfortunately, it takes time. And plenty of it. Eventually the highs and lows will level off.

Keep talking to your real life support and keep posting here. It IS cathartic to talk about it and, of course, we all "get it" here.

Be honest about her actions to anyone that asks, i.e., don't cover for her. Not your job to protect her reputation.

As for the AP? And being a predator? Don't give him another thought. He is not worth it, and you've got a fabulous new single life ahead of you to explore! Focus on THAT instead!

Hang in there. I promise it DOES get better!

I'm glad to here that some things are going your way. Keep looking at the bright side and seeing the bright future you have in front of you.

Tough day yesterday. It was her birthday. Firsts! First time in 10 years we (me) did not celebrate it. I know it's stupid but it's just one of those triggers I suppose. However, I'm still no contact. None, Nada. She has emailed me thrice in the last 5 months. My responses were concise and to the point. No admonitions. That has actually been easier than I thought it would be. I did get a message from her dad and stepmom today saying they have not heard anything from her in a month. She has all but shut them out. Overall, I am light years ahead of where I was 5 months ago when it all went down. I'm sleeping so much better and my outlook on life, in general, is very good. I appreciate all the comments from everyone. This site has been a bit of a Godsend.

Congratulations man. I'm happy to hear things are going well for you. Don't be discouraged if you hit some bumps in the road. I just hit a couple big ones, but have to keep pressing on. The recovery time from them gets better and better if you keep doing the right things.