SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would like to apologize in advance if I am not making any sense since this my first time posting.I have been reading on SI since d day which was almost 3 months ago. I did not know how to begin to write this ugly story.

Feel terrible for what I have done to my husband and family. I feel I have taken their lives away. It hurts so much to see my husband in pain. I feel useless. I feel that no matter what I do will take his pain away and it hurts, it hurts to see him losing weight, it hurts to see him cry. It hurts to see him with this agony which seems never ending. I wish I can exchange my life for his. It hurts to know I destroyed his happiness, our history together. It hurts how I treated him during this 5 month's affair with a COW. I neglected him, I disrespected him, I ignored him, I denied sex but yet had it with some POS. It hurts that I changed everything for nothing, for a guy that is not even a man enough to admit what he did. It hurts to have changed a real man for a POS. It feels disgusted just to think what I did with the AP. My husband did not deserve not even a bit of what I have put him thru. I really don't know what was going through my mind when I decided to cheated. I wish I had listened to my husband. He gave me lots to sign that he knew what was going on but instead I chose to ignored him. I know I have to pay for what I have done. I deserve every bit of it. I deserve to pay for the suffering my husband is going through. I deserve to die and it won't even be enough. I feel used, I feel dirty, I feel disgusted. I can only imagine how my husband feels. I deserve to pay for all the lies I told my husband during the affair and after. I deserve to pay for causing more pain after the affair was discovered. I have given my husband all details and how many times. I really want to be a better person and hope going to IC will help me find what's broke in me. I know I don't deserve a second chance but will be here until the and will work hard on helping my husband heal. I feel sometimes that I am not doing enough to help him heal. I feel that no matter what I do will take this pain away. I know that just being next to him and listening is not enough that I need to communicate more with him and it's very hard because that is on of the things I am lacking. I don't know how to express my feelings to him. I want to tell him so much that I say nothing. I want to tell him I love him so much. That my life already has no meaning without him but I know he won't believe me because of what I did to him and the things I said to him during the affair. I want him to know the the AP does not mean anything to me. I have gone NC since DDay.

Husband filed for divorce. Here until the end no matter what happens.

BS 46

Me 46

2 children 16 and 14

DDAY April 22nd

[This message edited by Cerda at 9:40 AM, July 1st (Sunday)]

I'm sorry Cerda. I don't have much advice because I could have written exactly those same words, so I'm not in a place to help you. I just wanted you to know you have been heard and you aren't alone in your thoughts and pain.

Thank you for acknowledging my message. I will keep trying.

Hi there Cerda,

Welcome to SI. I know it all seems like a terrible tangle of awful that can never be sorted out, but take heart. It can. You are not always going to feel this way. There is a future Cerda that is looking back on the present you and saying "oh that was so terrible to go through and feel. I was so wounded, so broken, and so lost. But it was also the day I stepped onto this path I'm on now. A path where I claim my worthiness. A path where I can lean into vulnerability and all that springs from it...courage, compassion, connection, creativity. I can deal with my thoughts and feelings wholesomely, whatever they are. I may not always be happy, because happiness is tied to external circumstances but even in the face of difficulties I have a well of gratitude and joy to draw upon. Life is a gift. Every moment, every breath is a gift. I'm so grateful to be who I am today. I'm so glad I finally became a real girl."

I know this to be true. I'm 8 years down the road and I look back on 8-years-ago EvolvingSoul with compassion and loving kindness. She was lost and broken and scared, just like you are now. She alternately felt like a horrible person, or was fighting tooth and nail to deny that she was.You will not always feel this way. So take a few deep breaths and keep reading.

Something that helped me a lot in the early days was to start educating myself about the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. If you've been reading here a while, maybe you already have these resources but if not I'll lay them out here.

* The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Great general education on infidelity, how it happens, how it impacts the people involved and how to protect yourself from doing it again.

* The book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Short, pithy volume that lays out a road map for behaviors that are likely to support reconciliation and points out those that are likely to hinder it.

* The post "Things every WS should know" by HUFI-PUFI on this forum. I'll bump it up to the top for you. This is something you can read immediately that gives good information about what your BS is likely to be experiencing right now and what you might be able to do to help him. Also gives a realistic view of what recovery looks like and how long it takes.

Right now it probably seems like there's so many fires to be facing...your BS's pain, your pain and guilt and shame and self-disgust, the impact this is having on your kids and figuring out how the hell it could have all come to this. It can be overwhelming. It is a good idea to start to develop some tools for dealing with difficult thoughts and feelings without getting swept off by them or over identifying with them. IC should help a lot. Journaling, just barfing it all out in writing, helped me a lot. Doing art helped a lot. Meditation has helped me so, SO much. There are many resources on the internet and in books to help you get a practice started. I use the app Headspace. Their is a website that goes with it that has a lot of great info on meditation, how to do it and how it can improve your mental health. Pema Chodron's book "How to Meditate" is also a good place to start. The benefits of meditation are cumulative. Even just 10 minutes a day will make a difference. I hope you will give it a try.

I know your BS has filed for divorce. The outcome of your marriage isn't something you have control over anymore. If you want to reconcile, then let your BS know that and start working on fixing not the marriage, but you. YOU are what needs fixing the most. You'll need to dig down and figure out how and why you were able to choose betrayal. Not the reasons you were tempted, but the thought processes that allowed you to go through with it. Once you identify those, you'll have to work out how to change them. Generally it's done by developing critical awareness of when those thought processes are active and then making a deliberate choice to do something different, even if it's hard or embarrassing or scary or painful. It takes a lot of courage and perseverance. It takes a lot of time, too. Brain rewiring, which is what you'll be doing, happens literally just a couple of neurons at a time. It takes many, many repetitions. The timescale is years. And I can tell you that the work is 1000% worth it.

You're face down in the arena of life right now. We've been there. Ever wayward soul here has been there. In fact every human on the planet has been there. Maybe not with infidelity, but we all, ALL face plant in life at one time or another. It's time to get up, get your feet under you and start fighting for the future. You do that by dealing with the present, one step at a time on the path of healing and awakening. We're right there on the path with you.

You can do this. Welcome to the path from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Thank you evolvingsoul for your advice. I am reading Not Just Friends and also read how to help with healing after infidelity. I feel that no matter what I do will take this stain away and the pain my husband is going through right now. I will be more devastating when my kids know about this. Knowing I messed their whole life is even worst.

How do I remove the stop sign?

I alerted the mods asking them to remove the stop sign.

I know it is very painful to face the consequences of infidelity. Right now it's filling up your entire field of view and your perspective is very limited.

In time, as you work through things, you will be able to integrate the knowledge of the hurt and harm that you caused your BS and children. It sounds impossible but it can happen if you really do the work necessary to fix yourself.

You can't take back what you did. You made some terrible choices and they hurt the people you care about and you wrecked your own integrity. Those choices will always be a part of your story and it is important that you claim your story, your whole story, even the parts where you are the villain. By claiming your whole story you get to start deciding what the rest of the story looks like by making conscious choices rather than unconscious ones. You make choices based on your values rather than what feels fun, fast or easy. In short, you can rebuild your integrity. Once choice at a time.

If you haven't already, I'd like to suggest that you begin to explore the work of Brené Brown. Her books "I Thought It Was Just Me", "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Rising Strong" were of immense help to me. I hope they can be helpful to you.

Recovery from infidelity is a rough ride. You can get support and advice here from the people who have been through it and who are going through it.

So, it has been three months but you haven't started IC?

I want to tell him I love him so much. That my life already has no meaning without him

This statement is red flag into your character weaknesses. No one should be that influenced by another for their happiness or desire to live. It is unhealthy and grossly wrong to the person of your objectification. Your survival/happiness should not be their responsibility or burden. That isn't love. That isn't fair to a man that has been hurt this badly. You need to work on yourself and get healthy. You are putting your husband in an impossible situation where he may not be able to work through his own pain because you have burdened him with yours. He is backed into a corner with no life lines for his own healthy outlets because of your dependency. Get into IC and get stronger to deal with who you became.

Thanks, I have bought the Gift of Imperfections.

Thanks Zugzwang, I agree 100%. Yes, I am already going to IC. Sometimes it is hard not to think this way. My priority is also to help my husband heal of this terrible tragedy I have caused.

This is a very difficult time. I am sure you didn’t imagine divorce when you married your spouse. As a BS...there are things my WS has done to help me. The majority of healing fell to my shoulders. Adultery throws every belief system about love and marriage out the window. . My spouse was remorseful. Followed How to Help Your Spouse Heal.

If your path is divorce. You still owe it to yourself to fix what made losing your integrity okay in your mind. You were not made to become an adulterer . Your were made to live a life of beauty. This life can come to you. Go to IC. Dig deep. Don’t blame your lack of integrity on your spouse. Or other circumstances. Read all you can. Implement strategic methods to change your coping skills.

Read on wayward. You will be able to pick who is doing the work and who does lip service. Read reconcilation. There is a great deal of good stuff in the R forum.

This is a time to empower yourself so you can be more than attached to a man.

Thanks for your kind words. I will continue to work on myself to become a better person.

Cerda

I am sorry that you are here. I am a FWW so I understand what you are feeling and going through. I want you to remember this, it does get better. No matter how much darkness you are in right now, you will discover the light. Posting here on SI is a step in that direction. IC is another.

I know how hard it is to post your story here and how scary it can be. The more we know, the better we can help you. So please keep posting whatever you want and

need.

Just a few questions for you. How did your D-day come about? How did your BH find out about your A? Are you being completely transparent with your BH? What are you really doing right now to help your BH through this? Did he immediately file for D or was going to try and R? Are you living together, in house separation or has one of you moved out? I am only asking so I can help you.

MrRiver and I are happily R but one of the mistakes I made after D-day that could have prevented it from happening was that I never begged or even asked for a second chance from my BH. He told me it was almost impossible for him to accept that I did not fight for him or our M. This was something we both had to work through. Do not make the same mistake I made.

You must open up, be vulnerable and talk to your BH. What are you afraid of? You have already destroyed your BH and he has filed for D. What else do you have to lose? Absolutely nothing! I mean if your BH is willing to listen, you had better be willing to talk.

I would suggest Joseph's Letter in the Healing Library. It was a big help to me.

The best way to help your husband to heal. To be 100% honest. Trust me, I learned the hard way there. To be the one to heal yourself. Don't depend upon him to heal you. Immerse yourself in everything you can to learn about infidelity and how he feels. Yes, even the ugly stuff. Personally, I know BS here can get angry due to pain-but the reality with that anger is that most likely your BH feels the same ways they do. Your BH may not feel comfortable sharing it with you or if you behave like a broken shell may not share their anger and pain to spare you. I am not one to shy away from 2x4's and IMO I think it is good to learn how to accept and deal with the anger/pain of complete strangers so you can navigate your own husband's pain. Remember it isn't a personal attack on you. It is a personal attack on the cheater you were. BIG difference. Dealing with my wife was so much easier when I realized that and it helped me to stop being defensive. Be willing to be vulnerable. If you can't trust yourself to face who you became, your husband will never trust you.

BS here. This is one of the few OP's I have read in here which doesn't seem to offer an excuse. He was ignoring me, I was stressed blah blah. There always seems to be a little justification.

So for that I congratulate you. You have taken the decision to completely own what you have done and that is the most important thing I think. Or one of them.

If you have blown up your marriage, then you have. That's up to him. All you can do is be the best you can be.

Hi Cerda do you feel comfortable sharing more of your story? The best we can do is offer very general advice without getting into particulars. Sorry these experiences are highly individual and we would need to know more to offer advice.

how it it was caught, what your relationship to the AP, what have you and your H tried, etc. Did he reach his limit and file one day out of the blue or was it an immediate reaction ?

Are you seeing an IC ?

Cerda,

I applaud your being so forthright and taking complete ownership of your actions. It looks like you are taking the right approach, One I wish my WW would take.

Being honest with yourself and being your own worst critic I think will ultimately serve you well. Especially when it comes to being brutally honest with your BS when called upon. As Polonius advised Laertes, "This above all, to thine own self be true, then thou canst not be false to any other".

I obviously don't know the character of your BS, but if he is anything like me then hearing the cold harsh truth is easier to take than any polite or good intentioned lie. Deceit breeds contempt and will undermine any progress in trust that you make in any reconciliation.

Good luck on making amends and reconciling, you have the attitude and approach that will work if it possibly can.

Just to share a little more of my story. I did not confess to my husband. I lied to him for 5 months that nothing was going on. My husband was suffering for 5 months suspecting that I was having an affair. I kept denying it. On Jan 25 2018 I told my husband I did not have any feelings for him when he questioned what was going on with our marriage. Since then, I kept lying. My husband asked me if

I was seeing anyone and I swore on my kids that nothing was going on instead of stopping was I was doing I chose to ignored my husband and kept going like he did not exist. I lied and lied and kept lying. On April 20th, I my husband texted to ask me what I was doing and to call him I did .call until after 2 hours later. I was with the AP. When I got home my husband asked if I went to work I said yes and that was the reason I did not call him back it was because I went to lunch with some friends, that was a lie. Ot wasnt after 2 days later when my husband said he was going to reach out to them and kept putting pressure on me that I told him about the AP, Then came the TT. I lied about how many times we had sex and about the details. A month later, I gave him more details. I still don't talk about the affair unless my husband brings it up. It is hard for me to express my feelings and to become vulnerable. I am remorseful for what I have done and the wrong choices I made and sometimes I express that but still not enough. I am going to IC and hope to become better at communicating with my husband. He filed for divorce a few days later. I wish I can get a second chance but this is a deal breaker for him. Sorry for the long post.

[This message edited by Cerda at 5:35 PM, July 4th (Wednesday)]

I believe you understand why you are at this point. Your lies and deceit has destroyed your marriage. What you need to understand is that there is really nothing you can do or say right now. Because of your lies he does not believe anything you say. If you say you or sorry and regret what you did then it is not believed. If you say you ended the A and no longer want the AP that is not believed. My only suggestion is to be totally honest from now on. Tell him that even if the marriage ends in divorce, you will work to help him heal. Continue working your you. Answer all questions, write out a timeline of the affair. Put in it everything. I mean everything, understand? Make sure it include every detail you remember. Be gentle and kind. That is all I have for you as of now.

More of my story,

I kept telling myself that my husband was too controlling and jealous, that I did good as mother and wife and needed to be happy and started talking to the AP when he asked me if I was happy in my marriage at the beginning of Dec

I went PA(kissing only) at the beginning of Jan and full blown in the middle of March, my husband cannot believe that we waited all this long for sex.

He doesn't believe that I didn't enjoy sex, I told him after Dday that I felt passion when kissing and hugging the AP.

He doesn't believe that oral sex and anal sex never took place, he says that usually people having affairs go wild, well I didn't, I actually felt good with the kissing and hugging but not with the sex.

At the beginning right after Dday when he started asking me questions I told him that I felt in love with the AP, that he was not jealous, easy going, that I was heard and validated by the AP, then he showed me a bunch of text messages from him saying all those forms of validation.

He said to me that he will prove me that I was not unique and special and that the AP saw me as a piece of ass and nothing more and he started anticipating all AP moves, blocking my phone and email account after I sent him a NC email, block his phone, my husband sent him a few text messages right after Dday calling him all kind of names and to meet up like men but he never replied.

My husband during those 5 months of the affair tried to get me back by taking me to dates, sending me text messages full of love and I chose not to see them the way I was supposed to instead I lied to him saying that I love him and it never crossed my mind being unfaithful, I chose to see the short messages from AP saying I miss you, I love you, you are special, and I replied to those.

During my affair these dates were involved, xmas, my birthday, my husband birthday, my kid's birthday, San Valentin, he keeps saying that I didn't leave any thread of the rope to hold to.

I was cruel with him after Dday, I told him I was not attracted to him when he asked me and that I saw him as a roommate.

Told him that affair was only EA, 2 days later told him it was PA, then TT one month later with another instance of sex, then a month later 2 more sex acts.

He says that Dday started for him 2 months later on the last TT and that it was worse than the original Dday.

He filed for divorce right after the first TT when he realized I kept swearing on our children in vain.

He hasn't told our children yet not because of me but because he doesn't want to put them thru this pain I have caused for the whole family.

He says our 14yo boy will see the affair with same eyes he is seeing it as a man, dirty, filthy, porn sex.

He triggers with everything, he is been thru hell lately, car AP drives seems to be everywhere, daily phrases that people say, our house even my AP never came to my house it was under floor, carpeting remodeling and he was putting work on it after his regular job while I was having fun with AP.

He insults me one minute, the next he is polite, the next he cries, next angry with mind movies, he says before the movies were silent but after last TT they have audio.

He asked me the other day how does it feel not been able to say that I wasn't a faithful wife anymore and how does it feel destroying the family and killing the exclusivity of the marriage.

I wish I can turn back in time and see what I had before for what it was.