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Do WW understand the enormous sexual damage they do to their husbands when they have affairs ? Do they understand they emasculate their husbands? Do they understand they make their husbands feel sexually insecure and worthless ?

What do WW do about destroying their husbands sexually if they want to stay married to him?

Do BH tell their WW what they think and feel in detail about the sexual humiliations, insecurities and worthlessness or just hold it in forever ?

How does a WW respond when a BH says it kills him the other man may have had a bigger penis or was better in bed and that is emasculating ? How does the WW respond ?

How does a BH process all the details ? How long does it take ?

These kinds of issues are so painful and delicate. I don't know how to talk about them with my wife.

I doubt I will ever be able to talk to my wife about these feelings which makes marriage impossible .

Do women have these same kinds of feelings ? What do they do about them ?

[This message edited by MJ1675123 at 6:29 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

You are in good hands here. These guys are all here for you. May I say that don't feel down on yourself at all. We all get physical symptoms, can't eat, can't sleep, we feel nauseous or aches. It's not like men are some kind of machine. Women are more notorious for losing desire because of emotions that put distance between people, but it's true of men as well.

Some people are so excited by the sneaking around. It could be that rather than she preferred him. That is a matter for the two of you. There are WS here that said it was the excitement of sneaking and over the top attention that was so great, not the sex itself. Many times we imagine it's better than it was.

I know this went on for a while and that's really hurtful. She's got to show you some real remorse and not just sexy attitude. You are a whole person. You need all your parts healed.

I don't think you should hold it in. How she reacts is going to show you if she's got any real remorse. This is emotional pain at work. You need to bring it out with a counsellor or close friend or your wife so it won't continue to hurt you.

You haven't lost anything except the trust and respect in your wife. You are still you. Shame on her for making you question yourself like this.

MJ,

A couple of things. The hurt and humiliation are very common. The advice you get here that you are the better man, not to let him into your head, etc is good. But for many of us just not possible. I knew all of that, yet when I looked at my EX it ways always as damaged goods. She did things we didnt do, and knowing he was younger and in better shape just sickened me. She insisted that what we had was better, but yet if it was so good, why did she go back day after day. I knew he was a piece of shit, but yet I still had the feelings of humiliation. Feelings like these are not a faucet you can turn on or off.

The other issue is at this point she shouldn't be aloof. She should be a puddle of tears begging you for forgiveness. Again, I got this and it still wasn't enough. It was enough however to keep me in the marriage for 5 years. If she hadn't begged, she would have been out the door in a bat of the eye.

Some know the damage they did. Mine certainly did. We both ultimately paid the price for it as we had to get divorced.

I will tell you, and I am older, there are plenty of women looking for honest guys. So if you go the divorce route, there are women out there. try to use the time while you figure it out to your advantage. Go to the gym, buy some new clothes, in nothing else it might wake her up to the thought of you leaving and her looking at some younger woman from the outside in.

You are nowhere near ready to be reconciling let alone having sex with your "wife".

And if you are not ready, then the emasculation and hurt/shame is going to get worse.

One part of knowing when you are ready is when she is TRULY remorseful. From what you have said, she is nowhere near truly remorseful. If she was she would know what to say and do. Having said that there isn't much that will take it away completely but at least she could minimise the effects of it on you by showing true remorse.

Unfortunately, this is a shit sandwich from which very very few really recover.

Divorce is often the best thing that you can do if you cannot get this out of your mind AND she is not showing true remorse.

Thanks waitedwaytolong

My wife fucked him about every two weeks for about a year. I doubt I will ever get over it. I still don't understand how or why she did it. She was an awesome wife. She told me she was always happy with our marriage.

She told me she did it because it was thrilling and exciting. She said it was just sexual. Neither of these two statements helped. They made it worse.

Has anyone who was sexually destroyed by a year long affair ever recovered enough to have a happy marriage ?

My husband's affair was a long distance 8 year affair. I let him know about every devastating emotion so he would know how hurt I am. How can the wayward know the extent of the damage if they don't see or hear it. Sometimes he would be upset and point out he was at work, but I would point out that I felt if I had to feel this pain he could at least know about it and he could see my point. It takes them some time for the damage they have inflicted to sink in. It's been 18 months and I think he is finally started to sink in. They have their pain and sometimes its hard to see yours is sooo much worse. You get a better idea of her remorse the way she reacts to your pain. I didn't want to separate because I felt we would grow even farther apart when we needed to pull together. He caused the damage and it is his responsibility to help me through it. How does she react when you are hurting or having sexual problems. I had a hard time but my husband has been extremely attentive. I did tell him he can be thankful I don't have to maintain an erection. Sometimes I still cry after sex for many reasons, loss of the man I thought he was, loss of the innocence of our marriage and of who I thought we were, but more now relief that I hope we are more open now. You are going to have to show each other the good the bad and the ugly from now on.

Her saying “it was just sex” (a common cheater refrain) has a different meaning for you than her.

Due to biological programming, the emotional aspect is worse for many women, while the physical aspect is worse for many men.

A wayward wife saying “it was just sex” is likely trying to reassure her husband that it wasn’t emotional (because to her emotional infidelity is worse). But such a statement is poorly received by most men because that’s the most traumatizing part. Her saying that did NOT mean the sex was better, or that he was more attractive. Her saying that is lessening the severity from a feminine perspective.

I.e.: As said before, the affair wasn’t about you. It wasn’t a contest between you and him. It was all about a woman trying to get self esteem even if it destroyed her husband.

Thanksgiving-

I try to avoid her quite a bit. I have a den upstairs with a nice TV and leather chair. I started hanging out up here after the affair.

I try to stay out of the house after work as long as possible and get home late. I change my clothes then go to the den. She comes upstairs and tries to talk to me. I can barely stand to look at her because I see her as a woman who just fucked and another man. It is hard to take anything she says seriously when I just see her as a sex partner for another man.

She has been reading books on affair recovery. She saw a counselor several times. I asked my wife several details about the affair. Her counselor told her telling me details was a bad idea and should be avoided. I told my wife if she ever saw that counselor again or withheld a detail from me I would literally throw all her belongings onto the street. The house is mine so she has no claim to live here. She now needs to find a new counselor.

I don't know if she is remorseful. I don't think she knows how to deal with me. I have almost totally shut down. I don't talk to her much anymore. I will have sex with her once a week if she comes and asks for it. It is usually terrible. I usually lose my erection when I start thinking of her with her boyfriend. She doesn't react badly. She thinks sex can be healing even if we don't finish . Sometimes I want to vomit before and during sex just thinking about her fucking someone else.

I am glad someone else on this thread related to the feeling that her boyfriend AP is actually in the room when we are having sex. Obviously that is the end of the erection and sexual encounter. I haven't told her that I can feel her AP in the room because it is weak and humiliating. I haven't told her much about the sexual worthlessness feelings becaue it is humiliating. How does a 50 year old man tell his wife that he feels insecure because he fears The AP was better in bed and had a bigger dick ? How does a 50 year old man tell a woman about all his new sexual insecurities ? It is embarrassing. These are teenager problems.

[This message edited by MJ1675123 at 10:02 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

MJ: Her counselor is an idiot if he is advising her to withhold detail. It should be up to the BH to decide if he wants detail, and if so, how much, and when. "How To Help Your Spouse Heal..." says this.

If you think R might be a possibility for you, and it sounds like you do, then you need to be as brutally honest with her as you want her to be with you. Don't hold back. Your anger and disgust and shame and emasculation, dump it all on her without filter.

I'm not going to let my old ladies bull shyt define me.

My old lady or for that matter...no one can emotionally destroy me. They can try but now way in hell is their phuck up a reflection of me.

I phuck up enough on my own, I don't need other people, especially a cheating wife to put that on me.

Let no one destroy you sexually or any other way.

Stand up....dust your self off... and phuck them and take control of your self.

It's not what knocks you down that matters...it's how you get back up that counts!

The way I see it, it's up to your old lady to keep up with you.

Hang in there...it does get better.

Grace-

I agree with your position on the counselor prohibiting details. She is not seeing him any more.

I don't want to dump all my negative feelings on her yet because I am not sure I want to stay or go which seems like the first step to me.

I'm all for being brutally honest, but chicks like confident guys.

So at the very least she is bent over your lap getting a spanking while your being brutally honest.

Again I'm wired different then most so take this for what it's worth.

On my six month mark I was just a screwed up as any guy after this kind of shyt, but I gave it a year and figured she would start screwing around again so it would have been easy to get rid of my old lady.

At the end of the day it is your call. You wouldn't be the first guy to get rid of his old lady after months even years after getting stabbed in the back by their old lady.

M:

I still think you should consider EMDR. Your subconscious appears so traumatized that your writing seems disassociated, too-flat, compartmented. You can’t begin to heal until you allow yourself to process the trauma.

MJ

I feel your pain and you own how you react to it. It is yours and there is no wrong way for someone in your position to react. You get carte Blanche. We have all felt varying degrees of what you are feeling so please don’t feel alone.

I want to tell you that personally I don’t think that any man who shares what he’s feeling and how he’s hurting with his WW is weak in any way. In fact I think that person would be considered one of the strongest I know.

Also, if it were me going thru the pain that’s been inflicted on you I would make sure she knew every awful thought that was going through my mind. Thoughts about her, thoughts about the AP and thoughts about myself. My anger, my pain and my fears.

We are all different but personally I’d become a running commentary about what her actions have done to me.

This pain is not yours to beat alone. She deserves an equal if not greater share of it.

Let me ask you, what good is it doing you sitting alone in your den in front of your tv lost in your thoughts? It’s good to process all that’s been inflicted on you, but whether or not you end up D or in R, I don’t think you should take this on your shoulders alone.

I can’t remember if you are in IC, but it would be great if you find one that has experience with Infidelity to work thru this pain with you.

And how about you start doing short talks with your WW? Start small, like 20-30 minute time limits and keep the topics narrow.

First topic and question I'd ask her:

- describe what you think I’m feeling. Let her try to describe it. Tell her what she got right and what she’s missing.

If your interested I could come up with 25 or so such topics. Maybe try doing it 3 times a week to start.

Listen MJ. I’m known around here as pro-R. But sometimes I do believe that a betrayal is so bad, that the only chance for R is thru D. And it’s a slim chance at that.

If I faced the same set of circumstances that you have in front of you, I’d tell her that her actions ended your marriage the first time she had sex with him. Or perhaps it was even the first time she realized she was going to go through with it.

Every other time they did it was just another dagger in an already dead corpse of a relationship.

I would leave it then to her. I’d tell her that D is just a formality for an already killed matrimony. I’d tell her that after the divorce if she wants to try and start over and court you, that’s her prerogative. I’d tell her if I’m that important to her she can prove it in the same way you started when you first met. If your not, then you wish her to have a nice life.

But reviving from the ashes something that is no longer there. Something that is no longer fun and enjoyable is not going to work.

After terminating the marriage, life is open to any possibilities. If it were me I’d date a little and see what’s out there. She’s free to do the same, and if you find your way back to each other then that’s great. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be.

You can take your time with that. D’s usually take a year so you have time to stop the process any time.

But this is not working for you. Get out of hiding in the man cave. Let her prove herself from the beginning. That way you can at least feel she paid a price for what she did, she shared the pain, and if things eventually work out between you two, you’ll know it really meant something to her.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:42 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

It is rare I post a response, but your thoughts and problems mirror mine. I could not get over it. The betrayal was too much. I held on for five years because she was what I knew. What I thought eventually I could get over. But I couldn’t. I shut down for three years and existed with her. Existed, no way to live. It drove me to severe depression, drinking daily, and the resentment was astounding. I wanted to rip her head off.

Early on, someone sent me a private message. Saying she is in no way in love with you. They were right and I ignored all the signs. I stayed because she did semi what I expected. I know, right. But, I was so deep in my own foggy world and I went status quo. I’m alone now and better than I’ve ever been.

It’s hard to imagine a life without what you had planned. Where you envisioned yourself. Where you envisioned your marriage.

A year, a whole year! I’m sorry, but in my world, your marriage is over. You probably can overcome the sexual humiliation. Maybe. I can tell you, if it’s not too much info, I would not go down on my wife for two years. Couldn’t! The damage has been done, and you know it.

I’ve been single for awhile. And, I’m very happy. You can be happy again too! Do what is best for you, not the marriage, or the kids. You deserve to be happy!

I feel your pain in your posts. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by Smokehouse at 11:12 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

I know exactly how you feel. In my case I know the weasel she banged about 5 times. A complete loser. Whom if I wanted would be able to knock out with a backhander. But why risk getting in trouble with the law.

For us, men, the sex part hurts. And we ask millions of questions. I have for months. The mind movies just don’t go away. I have had emotional bonding with my wife. I have screwed my wife many, many times and have treated her like an object. Rough sex. Pornstar type. To show her if she wants to be treated like an object the way her lover treated her, this is how demeaning it is. Sexually, I can go on for ages. I’m no Johnny Holmes but I do well in that space.

For women, it’s not really about the sex but the validation they get from the affair partner and the fantasy they fulfil. Usually, the sex part is not that good and in most cases not better than anything you give them because of the guilt they have while doing it behind your back.

Guilt free sex is always more fulfilling with their husbands than one where they have with some loser who needs to have sex with a married woman. In time, any potential satisfaction she may have got out of the sex (usually guilt ridden after each tine - this happens a lot) will dissipate when she finally realizes that the affair partner had no respect for her at all.

Any man that has an affair with a married woman disrespects her and her family. They’re sociopaths and low life “humans”. My friend, this man has nothing over you except the capacity to cheat and be an asshole. Something you of course don’t certainly aspire to.

I recommend you have sex with your wife at every opportunity. Focus on your sexual satisfaction. Not her. Be adventurous with her in bed. Do things you don’t normally do. Reclaim her and show her that this is what she’ll be missing out on if she doesn’t reform herself and fix the marriage. If she doesn’t at least you’ve had some great sex which you can replicate with your next partner if you divorce. Don’t deny yourself sex with her because you are punishing yourself more.

Good luck. Keep your head up. It was not your fault she cheated. She carries the shame, not you.

Several people on this thread suggested using my wife as a sex object since I have no interest or ability in having normal sex with her. Is this a method to reignite the spark or just a way to get off ? How does that work in the long run ? Does it make your sex lives worse in the long run or better ?

[This message edited by MJ1675123 at 1:09 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)]

Treating your wayward as a sexual object ain’t bad. My xww still sleeps with me without love on her part (she calls me her “human vibrator”) and I have to say the sex is great. Sex with love would be better, but porn sex is sufficient.

I am not sure how using your wife as a sex object will heal your sexual problems or heal you from her affair.

She is the cause of the problems you are experiencing and when I have problems, I usually remove the source of them from my life in order to heal.

So, ask her to leave, get a good IC and start the healing process. You can meet her as a friend if you want or go complete NC and see what happens.

At least you do not have to hide from her in your den in your house.

With time and counseling you will come to a conclusion about which direction to take.

And she should find a good councilor for herself.