Confused
As usual for this site you are getting some good advice here. And if you follow it you will have a good chance at nailing down what’s happening between your W and the other man.
I am not going to argue one bit with that approach.
I just wanted to mention that personally I would take a different path and just wanted to mention it for discussion purposes. I have no problem with you reading and discarding it if you see fit.
You now know your wife has his this relationship from you. She also has withheld affection from you according to your first post in this thread.
I would ask to sit down and talk with her. About your relationship and the rest of your lives.
I would strive to be as honest as possible. I’ll write here what I would say, because it’s easier than explaining it, but of course I only know the situation from a few paragraphs from you. I’m sure I won’t describe the situation exactly, but you’ll get the idea.
Sit down in a comfortable place and say something like:
“Mrs Confused, I love you. I’m in love with you. But I feel our relationship has deteriorated over the years. I want to change that. I want us to feel happy and in love again. I want us to enjoy life together. I want us to desire each other and feel attractive to each other.
I know you’ve had issues with some of my idiosyncrasies in the past. They may have pushed you away. I want to work on changing those. I want to do that for you and me. For us.
But if you’re not happy with me as a husband or happy in this marriage, I don’t want to keep you here one minute longer than you want to be here.
I have never stopped being in love with you. I still am attracted to and desire you. I love your company and would love nothing more than being your husband the rest of our lives together.
But that cannot happen if your heart is elsewhere. It would break my heart if you left, but I cannot be in a relationship with a wife who cares more about someone else than me.
My love, I recently discovered that you have been communication with Mike HighSchool. I know he has professed his love for you and you have met without telling me and are planning to meet again.
I can’t begin to tell you how this pains me, but if this is the man you want to be with then go be with him. You don’t have to hide it any more. I can’t be with you if you are pining away for someone else. Let me know now so I can begin to rebuild my life and find happiness down the road than be with someone who no longer enjoys being with me.
That’s all I ask. Is you be honest with me.
If you want to be with him I will work to end our marriage so we can both move on with our lives. That’s absolutely NOT what I want. But I can’t make you love me so it’s the only path I see right now “
Confused, after this discussion she will know where you stand. She will know the choice she has in front of her.
If she decides to leave you have your answer.
If she realizes her awful choice and her unloving behavior and snaps out of it, you can truly to rebuild (and still use the gps and VAR and PI tools to verify down the road).
If she wants to R she will have to be truthful, give the full extent of the timeline of her A (yes, even if nothing physical has happened it’s an A) and ensure she not delete anything so you can read the communications so you know what you both have to work thru.
If she truly wants you she will have to go NC with him. If she can’t do that then she doesn’t truly want you.
And then after working thru your individual issues you’ll have to come together and figure out how to make you M a loving one again.
Please consider this approach. There are more than 1 valid way of getting what you need and it may save you a lot of effort and also accusations back from her.
You know a lot already. I believe in honestly putting the cards on the table.
I understand if your not comfortable with that yet. But I wanted to put it out fhere for you to think about.
If you decide to what and gather more info, no problem, it’s a valid path as welll.
Good luck to you on this difficult journey.