SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been missing my wife a lot lately. Maybe I'm just lonely but I'm thinking about her all the time. She is 100% doing the 180, as described on this site to me and I really really don't like it. It's expected since I have pulled the plug, but she has been emotionally distancing herself from me. She has been picking up the kids. The kids are coming back happy, so there is that. My daughter said Mom took them to look at houses, and she went on and on about this one apartment. So at least that is good. I asked her about it and she said that she can't stay with her aunt forever and that was it. She shut down any further communication.

What are you having second thoughts about Surprised?

Second thoughts about ending things?

Or I wonder if with this space from her, you are just now starting to feel grief over the loss of the marriage. And with her really distancing herself, it makes it that much more real. If so, I would say that's all a part of the process, but I'm still sorry you're having to go through it.

Surprised,

I’m so sorry you are in conflict. I don’t know your story. I see you are the BH but why did you decide to pull the plug?

For those of you who have never had to deal with a HPD just think of the person who will do anything to stay in the spotlight. I’m not talking about some minor noise or a lampshade on their heads. They.will.do.anything.to.be.noticed. It does not matter how outrageous. My paternal grandmother had it even tho not diagnosed. She ruined my father and his siblings.

I understand why he pulled the plug. You can’t fix personality disorders.

I understand missing her. There never is a dull moment. You get addicted to the crazy. My father never saw what was so obvious to others, including me even as a child.

They can be charming because it gets them noticed but if they are ignored watch out. You never know what is coming next.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:09 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

For those of you who have never had to deal with a HPD just think of the person who will do anything to stay in the spotlight.

I'm starting to doubt that she even has a personality disorder. But I'm not a psychiatrist and last I checked her therapist wants her to get a second opinion.

But that is another issue all together.

I have no idea If your W has this issue or not. I will say I was very surprised when my H’s psychiatrist diagnosed him in one 45 minute session. I don’t disagree with it and his IC thought the same. I think al the psychiatrist does is make him come in every month to keep his meds going. I just thought I would hike in on that. It is hard to know if you don’t see it for yourself.

Surprised

Are you in IC? Are you working through these feelings with someone? I think that is important for you to do.

If you’re not please try to find an IC this coming week.

Your wife knows she hurt you terribly with her A. Perhaps this is her way of ensuring she doesn’t hurt you any more. She’s trying to let you go so you find your way to a happy life.

Don’t do anything until you talk and work through this with an IC.

Take care.

You are not alone, Surprised. Really put your life in overdrive to distance yourself from her. Plan vacations with your children, even a day trip to a city nearby. My children really respond emotionally positive when I can get them to the beach.

Try to go NC with her because NC =no new hurts, we only have to deal with the current hurts.

((Surprised))

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:36 PM, July 21st (Saturday)]

Surprised, you have suffered so much trauma, I do hope you are seeing an IC, particularly one well-versed in EMDR therapy to see if it might benefit you.

Don't for a moment underestimate what your brain chemical processor has gone through or the rest of your nervous system and your heart and everything in between. That you're still walking and talking is testament to your strength.

Your WW also went through a terrible ordeal, albeit much of it self-inflicted. So, she's damaged in a way that can't help you right now. Maybe that can change someday.

I sort of wish you'd both have IC and then consider a marriage healing weekend thingy. There's just something about your story that makes me think this might not be over. And I am sitting here in a panic wondering if I should really hit the "submit message" button cuz if I'm wrong and you take what I said to heart and it doesn't work out, then I've caused you further pain. But if you've stuffed your feelings so far down you can't feel them anymore, maybe you need to hear what I'm saying. Just so you know, if I do hit "submit" it's not advice; it's just random thoughts that I'm sharing. Take what sounds good and toss the rest.

I had been sitting in limbo, and I had to make a decision. Now that I have I keep thinking like I just gave up. With August coming up it's going to be a hard month.

Surprised, if you were constantly watching outrageous behavior, watching ups and downs, watching your children try to make sense of things, constantly having a knot in your stomach, not being able to make sense of senseless behaviors, then you are dealing with some form of personality issues. To be diagnosed with a personality disorder is to be damned because they cannot be fixed. There is no medication to fix a personality disorder. The only one that comes close to being worked with is a borderline. You need to read up on these disorders because they have such a negative impact on the people who have to put up with those that have them. I know what I am talking about because I watched my father fall apart trying to engage with his mother every day. At his funeral she was the one in the spotlight because she was fainting and falling apart and weeping and wailing. She never once let the spotlight move off her. It is interesting to those of us who knew her but she never treated him in a sweet way when he was alive. That is a typical personality disorder.

Surprised, if you were constantly watching outrageous behavior, watching ups and downs, watching your children try to make sense of things, constantly having a knot in your stomach, not being able to make sense of senseless behaviors, then you are dealing with some form of personality issues.

In comparison to some stories I read on here, some of her choices seem tame in comparison. I guess I just feel like maybe I made a mistake pulling the plug. Now that she isn't on my radar, I'm starting to really have time to focus on myself, I'm starting to realize just how much I miss her.

She hasn't brought up wanting her half of the value of our home, or even pushing toward getting our divorce fast-tracked. But in her defence neither am I.

I think this is typical behaviour of someone who is up the scale of NPD or similar. My WW does the same thing. She mirrors my attention. So if I become distant, she doesn't reach out to me, she goes the other way. If I am loving and kind, I get rewarded.

In the bad times I realised it was always me who had to 'come back'. She would never reach for me, ask me what was wrong, how she could help. She would just complain about how she was feeling.

Interesting a friend of ours spoke to her the other day and she came to me afterwards and said that she had asked WW how the kids were coping and WW had just turned the conversation right back to her. I have realised she has always done this. It's all about her. Even at the expense of the kids.

I don't think my WW will ever change.

I think this is typical behaviour of someone who is up the scale of NPD or similar. My WW does the same thing. She mirrors my attention. So if I become distant, she doesn't reach out to me, she goes the other way. If I am loving and kind, I get rewarded.

I definitely don't think she fits NPD.

It doesn't help that my eight year old desperately wants her Mom to come home.

The last few years of your life have been miserable and completely focused on your wife. It's going to take a massive mental shift to get out of that habit, so of course you're struggling right now. But you know you're never going to be able to heal from any of this shit if you stay with her. She always has some diseaster in the works that puts the attention right back on herself.

When your mind wanders to your wife, tell yourself to stop it and focus on possibilities for your own future instead. Build a positive future for yourself in your mind, one without any hint of her in it. It's a new habit you have to put into effect. Change is hard, and the brain fights it, but that doesn't mean going backwards would be best.

Good luck.

Think about if this was happening to your DD. If her spouse did to her what your WW has done to you, what would you advise her to do?

My spidery senses are screaming that she has mentally moved on. If she is really HPD, the next thing you will here is that she is dating.

I doubt there is some plot to get to you, she's decided there is no point putting forth any effort.

It takes two. You can't do it alone.

Surprised87:

I just wanted to tell you I had many of the same feelings as you during the five months we were separated following her confession of her ONS. I did miss her terribly. I had already filed for D shortly after her confession and I never got to the point of talking about possibly recovering our M, since she approached me first and pleaded for a chance to save the M. I called off the D process and we started to date and then eventually moved back in together. It worked for us. You needed the separation for you. But it is no too late to keep the M if that is what you decide. The important thing is it has to be what you want, and of course your WW has to establish she is all in, remorseful and committed to you. I trust that R or D, you will do what’s best for you and your children. Good luck.