SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On your path through infidelity how far out were you from discovery when you made your decision to reconcile or divorce? What were the key factors or reasons for your decision.

If you felt like you had no choice because of continued infidelity or abandonment please indicate this.

Also, if you are waiting for the children to reach adulthood or to get financial arrangements in order to execute your decision, please indicate these facts.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 5:25 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]

Our first original dday was in September of 2016. That’s when I found out he’d been texting and emailing with his old high school girlfriend in another state.

He agreed to stop this behavior and go for counseling so that’s what we did. All the while we were in counseling, he seemed like he was putting effort into working things out with me.

In feb of 2017, still in counseling, he accidentally sent me a text intended for her. He had never broken contact with her you see. I also found out that in November of 2016, she had flown here from her state and he skipped work for a few days and spent those days in her hotel room.

He told me he wanted a divorce then. He’d been planning to tell me in June of 2017 and was just playing the game until then. I felt like a complete fool. He had been planning to wait until June of 2017 for financial reasons.

So you see I never had a chance NOT to divorce. He made the decision for us both.

Freetogonow,

Thank you for your response. As part of my wayward wife's cheating or the infidelity nightmare I feel abandoned. I do not know if this is just a feeling I have or part of the betrayal.

I decided a month after D-Day. He claimed to be remorseful and was begging me to come back, but refused to sign a post-nup (that wasn't even very punitive) that only came into play if he cheated again. He said I should just trust him.

After doing tons of reading on cheaters, liars, personality disorders, personality consistency over time, brain chemistry, brain function, etc., and combining that with his refusal to make sure I was taken care of financially (when I was the one who earned 90% of the money during the marriage and would have to give up my job to follow him as a newly-minted physician because he couldn't get a job in our city due to sleeping with coworkers instead of seeing patients...)

It was a hard decision at the time, but looking back I am so glad I made it and realized that I really didn't have a choice. I listened to his actions rather than his words.

This is the million dollar question ... do I stay or do I go? If only the answer was easy since many of us are molly bolted to our WS with kids, real estate, a history, etc. A therapist (and probably many people on here) would say to wait about six months to make a decision.

It all depends on your WW -- is she remorseful? Seeking out therapy? Helping you recover? Or is she blame shifting, rewriting the marital history, and lying still? I often have read that the condition of your M prior to the affair is a good indicator of your ability to successfully R.

For some people cheating is a dealbreaker and they just can't get past it. Other people can forgive and rebuild their marriage. It all depends on you and your situation.

The first time I quickly forgave my WH which was a huge mistake. He had no consequences, and therefore the A continued. I deeply, deeply regret not insisting that he get a different job ... I wasted three years with false R. What he has done at this point is completely unforgivable, so the chance of R is 100% impossible.

Everyone's journey through this hell is different, so you are the only one that can decide what is right for you.

[This message edited by Zamboni at 8:37 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]

Infidelity was always an instant dealbreaker, and Xhole knew it. Thus, on DDay1, true to my convictions, I knew I would D him. However, I was trying to get youngest graduated from high school so I stayed for four years before finally pulling the pin. It is important to know that we were not fighting and all appeared "normal" so it wasn't a toxic environment for the kids. Therefore, it was a doable situation, until he humiliated me for the last time.

All,

I filed for divorce 6 days after discovery. It has been a protracted divorce. Sometimes I question my decision. I picked Ripped as my online ID because it felt as if our souls once interwoven and one were being ripped apart. My stance was infidelity would be a deal breaker but sometimes I have doubts. I wish to calibrate my thoughts because of the heartache and damaged thought processes the trauma has had on me. I am also deeply in love and wonder sometimes about reconciliation.

Hence my questions soliciting the wisdom of SI.

Your responses are very helpful.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 10:09 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]

I'm on standby. I think I know but at the same time I do over analyze. Time will tell--like the next time he comes home, he says he will be straight. I guess I'll wait a bit longer why not if time will help me be stronger.

I'm not making a decision to divorce until my youngest is in kindy, in 5 school years.

My decisions are purely financial. I would like to avoid handing half my paycheck over to my husband between alimony an child support. But, I have four kids and DH is the SAHS (well, he works part time, but I bring in 75% of the income).

Right now we're almost 16 months out from DDay.

I've got a while to wait.

I filed for D three weeks after my WW’s confession of her ONS. It was a dealbreaker for me especially given my FOO issues. We were separated at DDay. After five months separated she convinced me she had made massive changes to save our M. I dropped the D and over time she demonstrated by her actions that she was totally committed to me. We recovered and then R’d. We have moved on to a fulfilling M for many years. If I hadn’t filed she never would have had the motivation to make the changes she needed to make. After we got back together the entire dynamic in our M changed for the better, a more equal partnership.

Good luck.

Fareast, you had the unicorn my friend. It's what I begged for but didn't happen.

I worshiped the ground my xw walked on. I truly loved her. Whoever 'her' was before transformation. In hindsight I think I had a grifter.

Ripped,

I knew within a few weeks of August 15th last year that we were done. When she left me on Sept 9th I immediately went to a lawyer and found out what my rights were. When she moved in with her AP I knew it was over. I had the sense to work out the asset divisions with xww early in the shitshow and had her sign a written agreement 9-11-17 dividing what we had accumulated together. I also knew we'd have to live apart for 6 months before I could file for a no fault. I came out pretty good on the deal. Our kids are adults which uncomplicated the whole D. I had hard evidence that she could not deny nor defend in court. She got to keep her Image Management- except I blew her cover and exposed her to all my friends and family. Everyone knows who she is now and sees her for what she is.

Her sole objective whenever I see her is to cause me further hurt. She is truly lost to me now. I don't know who she is anymore. It's not the person I married, that's for damn sure. And I was not raised to tolerate adultery. A ONS I could have gotten over if she was truly remorseful. But later I found out that the rabbit hole went much, much deeper than I ever imagined. Once you find that shit out-that it's been going on a long time under yur nose... Man! I shoulda took the Blue pill. I tried desperately to get reinserted back into the matrix but it was impossible at that point.

When they revel in their fantasy- directly in front of you, and Lord it over you like they are untouchable, they become just that. Modelling in-your-face contempt is the best way I can describe it. Gloating over your suffering and finding it funny. It was easy from the legal process perspective. I didn't have to decide. She made the decision for me. I had no option.

I'm NOT going to share my wife with any man. Period. Especially if she's an adulterous tramp, she is G.O.N.E. I didn't sign up for that lifestyle. She is not worthy of my love, Only my scorn.

I couldn't wrap my head around it. D was my only option after much, much soul searching and attempting to R and trying to heal. I'm happier without him. It's just that simple. I don't need him or want him anymore. My bar is raised and it will take one amazing human for me to even consider a close relationship again let alone marriage.

It was about 15 minutes after I had the proof thrown in my lap that she was cheating that I decided to D her. My brain was moving at 150mph thinking about her shitty treatment of me and our kids they the time that she was in the A. She didn't deserve to keep me or our girls. I told her not to come home ever again, and she didn't.

Thank you for your openness and sharing how you survived infidelity and your decision making process. It has been very beneficial to me and my understanding of where I am at and why.

For the first month after d-day I was sure I was going to D, but....always a but.... I could not stand the thought of not being with my kids 1/2 the time.... I am very involved, and enjoy being with them.

I was conflicted to say the least. I didn’t want to be around her, but she and the kids were a package deal..... I stayed stuck for 5 months...

I decided to try to R because if I were to D.... I would be done, so I figured I give R a shot. Initially my thought was to see how it went for 6 months, and D if things were still messed up.

About a month into attempting R I realized I wasn’t really trying.... so I changed my attitude.... it was fake at first. 2 months into R her head popped out of her ass and she started changing. Our relationship started to grow a little.

About 4 months into R I decided to try and stick around until the kids were out of High School... 3yrs..... home life was decent, the kids were not seeing yelling and screaming matches.... so I figured that was best for everybody. I got to keep my kids 100%, the kids kept mom AND dad, the money situation was better... etc etc....

For the past 7 months we have been working on us.... she is working hard to show me I am her first choice. I am doing my best to treat her well. We go on date nights about Two or three times per month. We talk about her affair and how we are both doing once per week. It’s scheduled, same night every week.

We have hit some big speed bumps along the way.

We are currently 18 months out from D-day 1, and I feel like we might actually stay together. On the other hand.... I know that I am early in R (Typical advice is 2 to 5 years to heal) so I will not say we are Reconciled.... but we are heading that way.

IMHO.... the thing that got us where we are:

1) Her working on her. She has to earn the trust back, and prove to me that she is seriously in it for us.

2) Me working on me... I got stronger. I have a plan for life without her. I have boundaries that result in immediate filing for D. I have my plan written down, and I review it monthly to make sure it is appropriate and make sure I am being honest and true to myself.

3) Grace..... Nobody changes on a dime. Me nor Her.... For example.... one of my rules is... No lies of any sort.... lies of omission are still lies..... Lie and I’m gone....That is my rule. However, There have been things that she has lied about, such as: My question: Do you think about him? Her answer.... No....She almost immediately changed her answer and admitted that she did.... I choose to look at that as growth. She choose to correct a lie immediately. Does that make sense? There is a lot of gray here...

That is my journey.... I hope it helps

I filed divorce the next day after DDay. I am never going to be 2nd fiddle. She destroyed the marriage and I was never going to accept her as she broke our vows.

I will not degrade myself to stay with a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater. There are consiquenses for breaking a marriage vow.

I wasn’t given a choice between divorce or reconciliation. My ex wife told me she wanted a separation, 10 days later she filed for divorce a month after that I was newly divorced.

It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, I’m about 5 months post Dday and I would have divorced her. I would have gotten to this mindset even if She didn’t leave me for the OM. Cheating has always been a dealbreaker for me, I learned a long time ago to never take a cheater back.

Honestly I should send her a thank you card.

My Dday was January 4th, 2014. Despite being shocked and devastated I was not prepare to D. While I always said, as many of us did, that an A would be an instant deal breaker, we had been married at that point of 18 years, I was living in his country, we have three kids together and breaking up the family just seemed unimaginable. I did see a solicitor two days later to know what to expect though. And I started seeing an IC a day after that.

My now Ex begged to stay but wouldn't agree to IC. Only MC. I discovered SI four months later and the concept of boundaries and consequences was clarified for me during that time. I wrote my WS a letter stating very clearly that no undisclosed contact with the AP would be tolerated; no more lying would be tolerated; no further betrayals would be tolerated. The discovery of any of these violations would result in divorce.

A year and a month after Dday 1, I ran a Dr. Fone scan on my husband's phone and discovered that NC had not been honored, that he had met the AP at a public/work related event for a drink, that she knew some things about the kids before I did, and that the lying had continued unabated during that 13 months. I went outside and smoked four cigarettes in a row, went back in the house reviewed the texts to double check what I was seeing was accurate, went upstairs and woke my husband up and kicked him out. I was absolutely done. I have never once regretted giving my Ex a chance and I've never once regretted ending the marriage when that chance was squandered. And my kids were relieved when I finally pulled the plug.

It took almost a year into the separation during which time my Ex went completely off the rails that I decided to relocate back to my home country. All of the children agreed to go with me. It's been two years since we've moved and everyone is settled and our lives have been so much better. The year following Dday was indisputably the worst year of my life. But ending the marriage was absolutely the right decision for me and for my kids.

My decisions have changed many times over the 6 years I have been here.

At D-day I wanted WH to leave. He of course like most WS's lied and continued to see MOW.

Months of broken NC's lead to my suicide attempt then more broken NC's which led me back to a second time in the hospital. WH decided once and for all he was ending the A and we would R... NOT

False R I wanted D then WH got cancer so we put D on hold. He had the cancer surgically removed.

Then I was in limbo for the next 2 years at which point we separated. Finally started to see remorse and work from WH.

Currently we are in tentative R meaning I will R until the next mishap which I have promised him, myself and family I will D.

Also waiting to see what our R will look like after the kids leave the house. That will determine if we continue to R or D.

I think so many issues factor into the decision that no one can help you other than give their own histories.

You have to come to grips with the idea that she can cheat and lie.

Is she truly remorseful?

How long have you been married?

Do you have children?

Is she a good parent?

How old are they?

Can both of you support yourselves financially?

Can you separate your lives?

Will you have to sell your home?

The most important is communication. This is that vague area yet probably the most important. Is one of you condescending and sarcastic? Is one of you more powerful? Most marriages become unbalanced if one person is in charge of finances. Is one of you an emotional bully?. Is one of you detached due to hobbies, work or personality type? Both people have to feel their opinions matter. Both need to feel validated. Without fixing those invisible issues you have nothing to build on.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:28 AM, July 23rd (Monday)]