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I won’t greatly detail the affair, but we are in the midst of reconciliation (no outside help beyond me seeking articles, books) He continued the affair after discovery for about 2.5 months until she ended it 4 weeks ago. For about 1 week she wanted nothing to do with him. But, they work together and want to try remaining friends - like still getting together for coffee and going out for her birthday together. Is this even possible? It would be helpful to hear from those who have been in affairs if they think they would be capable of this. I am trying to be trusting. There have been definite improvements in our relationship and very, very much worth preserving. But I worry that he is placing his selfishness above regard for my feelings...

NO, never .

My WS wanted to remain friends with AP. I said no problem, but I wasn’t going to remain in the M. A marriage is two people...not three. And a M that has been rocked by infidelity? For R to be successful, boundaries must to be shored up. The AP isn’t a friend to you or the M; by choosing to keep AP as his ‘friend’, he’s still choosing himself over you. It’s a recipe for failure. And it is cruel.

A request like that is continued *profound* disrespect to the BS; it’s also likely that the A is ongoing.

Has he read Not “Just Friends” or How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?

Editing to add: HE should be bending over backwards to find ways to help you and R. That you’re the only one doing any real work (such as looking up articles) is telling...

[This message edited by BlueIris at 9:42 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

FUCK NO. Period, end of story. FUCK NO.

My husband’s first affair was an EA with a friend of ours. After it all came to light he spent so much time gaslighting me into believing that they were “just friends” and literally begging and bargaining to keep her in his life. He refused to completely cut her out of his life and it just never went away. We would have months of peace and rebuilding only to have him suddenly start talking with her again. Then I’d get upset and it would start all over. I could never relax. It was horrible. It was a dark angry cloud hanging over us at all times.

Looking back it is all so obvious. If he was willing to still talk to her and be around her then he in no way cared about me. He didn’t care that it hurt me. He didn’t care about the stress it put me under. He had no remorse and simply cared about himself.

He said she was his friend and always would be.

I said then your going to have a friend and not a wife because I'm not going to be the third person in my own marriage.

Is it possible? Technically, I supposed it could be, but that would be some weird 3-way therapy session I've never heard about.

Realistically? No. Hell no. Ain't no way that ever happens and the M survives kind of no.

As the saying goes, when it comes to the AP...he's dead to me. And he better be dead to my wife as well.

Absolutely not.

No. Just...no.

Hell no.

Absolutely not. Remaining friends is remaining in infidelity.

ETA: This is most definitely wayward behavior. He IS putting his selfish wants above your needs. In order to successfully R, both you and your WS need to be fully committed. Allowing a relationship (any relationship) to continue with AP shows a marked lack of committment to you and your M. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[This message edited by Barregirl at 10:18 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

Can those who date remain friends after breaking up? Frequently. Can those who have an affair remain friends after ending it? Possibly. Can those trying to recover from a spouse's affair watch their spouse remain friends with an affair partner? Never. Ever. In this lifetime or any other.

It's not about the affair partners, it's about respecting the spouse.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:38 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

[This message edited by Booyah at 10:58 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

we are in the midst of reconciliation

How is that even possible, if they work together, affair still ongoing. Don't blindfold yourself.

You want the affair to stop, one of them needs to find another job not just another location and same company, another job altogether.

Your husband needs to send a No Contact letter, email or phone call in your presence and remain No Contact, no buts, no ifs. No Contact means the person never existed before therefore someone that doesn't exist in your life you can't call or send a message asking how are you doing?

But the short answer NO.

Not a good idea for your husband to celebrate her birthday, unless you want to be her friend, then you and your husband, together, could take her out. This would be most unusual.

Your husband and AP have had plenty of time together during the A, it's time for your husband to repair the damage his A has done to your marriage and focus on only you.

Absolutely, positively NO!!! Hell no!!!

You are not in R or even close to it if he is trying to negotiate this.

They must severe all ties completely.

Oh Dear. No.

Just so you know, one of the possible correct responses to this entitled demand of his would be to say the following to him:

"Do you think it will be possible for us to remain friends after our divorce?"

Wait. What?

You discover their affair 3.5 months ago. He doesn’t end it and continues to see her for the next 2.5 months. Finally she breaks it off 4 weeks ago. But they still work together and he wants to remain friends with her.

Is that right?

Where is the R exactly? How is that even possible?

But I worry that he is placing his selfishness above regard for my feelings...

Ya think?

Tell your H you have no issues w/ him continuing to be friends with the AP.

And then remind him that you hope he's not upset or bothered if you have a similar “friendship” with X (fill in name of some random guy).

And then he will know how it feels!

I would suggest the A is still ongoing in some way shape or form. And your H is selfish and disrespectful.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:30 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]

You’re in denial. Your relationship isn’t worth preserving when he has the audacity to ask you to allow him to continue to have a relationship with the person that helped him to betray you. He needs a kick in the ass and to feel hard consequences ASAP. Playing nice will get you nothing but another DDay.