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Impossible. I'm surprised this is posed as a question. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!

So why are we all so vehement on this? They carried on in secret, traumatized and broke your heart, no they expect you to trust them??? SAY WHAT? I would laugh in their faces.

So is this what they are hoping you will say...."Sure honey, you screwed her behind my back, killed our marriage and betrayed me, but you go ahead and have coffee with her, take her out on her birthday...I TOTALLY trust you!"

Nope, but those bitch boots on and stand tall and tell him/her that he needs to leave the job, and no contact ever again or it's over. And if you are trying to R (not recommended, doesn't sound like a remorseful spouse) make sure you get a pre-nup stating that the next cheating or contact with her and you get everything in the D.

The level of disrespect in this "request" is ludicrous and beyond comprehension. No remorse there, no care for YOU...only for the "friendship". If that "friendship" is more important than your healing then send him packing, there is only more heartbreak ahead for you.

Oh hell no!!!

Would you feel safe with that? Successful R is dependant on many things - one of which is alleviating your trauma and helping you feel safe(r). This is the antithesis of R behaviour!

No. Absolutely not. In fact many try to remsin coworkers to save their jobs. That doesn’t work either. I believed my wh when he said they had to work together. I had severe anxiety everyday. Wh lies everyday to avoid conflict which made things worse. In truth wh still had feelings for ow. He admired from afar. The end result? He became alcoholic. Had breakdown. I got ptsd. It does not work. This is major denial. It will make you ill.

You are still in shock. Are you doing the pick me dance out of fear? Many of us do. Common sense says this is not a good start for recovery. He can try harder and do more. This is weak

No. Absolutely not. In fact many try to remsin coworkers to save their jobs. That doesn’t work either. I believed my wh when he said they had to work together. I had severe anxiety everyday. Wh lies everyday to avoid conflict which made things worse. In truth wh still had feelings for ow. He admired from afar. The end result? He became alcoholic. Had breakdown. I got ptsd. It does not work. This is major denial. It will make you ill.

You are still in shock. Are you doing the pick me dance out of fear? Many of us do. Common sense says this is not a good start for recovery. He can try harder and do more. This is weak

No no and thrice NO!! How bloody DARE he!!!

You are not in reconciliation! This is still an EA and is, very likely still a PA. He is a classic cake eater.

You do not have to be 'trusting'... he has betrayed you in the worst way possible, he doesn't deserve your trust and from my experience and those on here will keep on lying and deceiving!

Again how bloody dare he... 180 hard!!!!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 6:10 AM, September 16th (Sunday)]

He wants to remain friends with the woman who helped him destroy your marriage? The woman who had no morals and no second thoughts about hurting another human being? That’s just cruel. And that’s coming from someone who’s WH decided to support his ow’s heart break and maintained contact with her for another 4 months after dday.

Nope, not possible. Out of respect for you and your pain she should be out of your life. And you’re not in reconciliation. Not even close.

You're not in R. R requires a remorseful WH who is doing the work to help you heal. Your BH does not care about you, at all.

But the answer to your question is "no". Absolutely not, under any circumstances.

Short answer: No, that is not possible.

Please, stay on SI and keep reading posts. I have been here for about a month, and have gotten so much advice and support, not only on my own posts, but also while reading others. The healing library has a lot of good stuff.

You need to take care of you. You need IC (individual counseling). Your boundaries need shoring up when it comes to your partner.

You are doing the "pick me" dance. Totally understandable, I did it, too. Looking back, my healing would have gone so much easier if I had 180'd hard. (See the healing library for 180)

I'm not sure why you are trying to trust him. He has already proven he is not trustworthy. It needs to be the other way around, he should be bending over backwards to regain your trust. And that would include going NC (No Contact) with OW (other woman). It would also include finding another job if they are co-workers.

It seems harsh. I know it seems harsh. You have a long road ahead of you. The folks on SI have already traveled a good bit of it, and want to help the others who find themselves here.

I read your post and sat gobsmacked for several minutes. Seriously?

I would like to be gentle, but there's just no way possible. The mere fact that you are even seriously questioning this is indicative that you need some serious therapy, like yesterday. Please look into therapy and go. Your husband cannot possibly love or respect you if he even suggested this. But worse, right now YOU don't love yourself enough to see how abusive this even is.

Look at the responses. Not one person even remotely suggests that what he is doing, and has been doing, is acceptable. He doesn't even have to gaslight you because you successfully gaslight yourself.

Get out and then get help. And I don't mean this in a "you're crazy" sort of way but, rather, you've been abused or in toxic relationship(s) so much you cannot even see it and need professional help to learn some serious self love.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:37 AM, September 16th (Sunday)]

NOOOOOOOOOO! Again, NOOOOOOOO!

My H continued to work with the OW after Dday. One day I discovered he had bought lunch for her and another coworker. When I asked him why and he said the other co-worker asked him to buy them lunch and it was just the "polite" thing to do! Told him the polite thing to do was for her to not have fucked my husband! Any consideration of the AP's feeling above those of the spouse is just another blow to the spouse's already shattered self-esteem.

Our attempts to R we stalled and probably would have failed if he had continued to work with her or consider being "friends" with her.

As long as there is no remorse these are my questions to any bs. Do you want to wake up to this every morning? Do you want this to be the last thing you think about before going to sleep. Do you want to cry every day? Do you want to keep a knot in your stomach and a lump in your throat every day? This is the life you will lead as long as he has no remorse and is playing with your self esteem. Your husband is not remorseful. He is still in the affair and you are not surviving infidelity. Your autonomic nervous system is keeping you alive. You are still breathing. Your heart still beats. But, do you laugh anymore? Do you sing, or tell jokes, or read a book for fun? Where is your joy? He stole it. Get it back. Be true to yourself. He is not worth another tear. He is the one who should be crying......over you, not her.

No, absolutely not. And it would be preferable if your h could change jobs and not see her at work.

You're probably still in shock about discovering the affair if you are even considering it.

Ask your husband how he would feel if YOU continued to socialize and be friends with a man with whom you'd been in an affair.

Ask him if he would be ok with that knowing that the affair partner knowingly and willingly helped to destroy him.

Ask him if he would be ok with that knowing that every time the affair partner looked at you he would remember what it was like to be intimate with you.

No. Just no.

But I worry that he is placing his selfishness above regard for my feelings...

Oh, he is, 100%.

No, they cannot remain friends. They cannot "go for coffee". He cannot celebrate his birthday with her.

I know all of these replies seem harsh but they are 100% spot on. You are not, and cannot be, in R if they are "friends". No. Period.

[This message edited by nutmegkitty at 12:32 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]

Every single “recovery from infidelity” book states that if there is ongoing contact between the two affair partners, reconciliation is impossible. Every. Single. One.

In order for a marriage to continue after an affair, the WS has to cut all ties. This is for a variety of reasons which should be obvious but don’t seem to be for you. If the two affair partners remain in contact the WS isn’t fully committing to the marriage. There is also a probability that the A will resume. And it is a fundamental disrespect to the BS to continue a relationship in any way shape or form. Ask me how I know... my ex tried to help the OW “help her spouse get over her affair.” My EX was delusional. When I found this out, I knew I needed to divorce and proceeded to do so. The real question is why YOU would tolerate this??

No, it is not possible. Or rather, it is perfectly possible for him to remain friends with AP but not whilst married to you. That is a very clear line in my mind.

Look, if someone came into your house and robbed you, it would not be acceptable for him to be friends with them. This is the same thing (well, even worse probably).

Absolutely not in any way shape or form should they remain friends. Why are they still working together?

If my wh ever contacted or tried to contact that white again, we would be done. Divorced.

Him wanting a friendship with someone who helped him abuse and traumatize you is so far from “getting it”. He isn’t r material as long as he wants to have any type of relationship shop with the Leeson who helped him hurt you so badly.

Sure. Once the divorce is final.

I won’t greatly detail the affair, but we are in the midst of reconciliation (no outside help beyond me seeking articles, books) He continued the affair after discovery for about 2.5 months until she ended it 4 weeks ago. For about 1 week she wanted nothing to do with him. But, they work together and want to try remaining friends - like still getting together for coffee and going out for her birthday together. Is this even possible? It would be helpful to hear from those who have been in affairs if they think they would be capable of this. I am trying to be trusting. There have been definite improvements in our relationship and very, very much worth preserving. But I worry that he is placing his selfishness above regard for my feelings...

Absolutely NOT.

And don't try to be trusting. He doesn't deserve your trust until he becomes trustworthy, and that takes a great deal of time. He broke your trust and now he is responsible for earning it back. Continuing the affair after DDay, continuing to work with his AP, and desiring to remain in contact with her are all indicators that he is not at all interested in manning up and salvaging his marriage to you. He is interesting in cake-eating. That's it.

I've been in shoes similar to the ones you're wearing. My husband continued working with the OW, and it was VERY detrimental to me and to the whole reconciliation process. My hope for you is your husband removes himself completely from her presence. The longer he is in contact with her, the longer it will take to rebuild your marriage.

No. Never.

It is so disrespectful to you that he said this.

Why are you doubting yourself and hesitant about this boundary?