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Look up my story for those who want the back ground.. Husband Kri keeps throwing it in my face thati had oral sex and swallowed with AP. He's devastated because my husband was the only one for 30 years thati have ever had oral sex with.. How cani help get him to heal from my wrong doings. We have been in R mode, then he just throws that at me

His anger and disappointment are strong and he will express it. Offer apology and your heartfelt feelings and reassurances. It's going to hurt until it eases. He won't forget but maybe in time the pain won't be so sharp. It's different for everyone. I still cry, thinking of my WS' A though I don't discuss it in anger. All you can do is be the best person you can be and hopefully he sees that. R is a tough road for everyone. Maybe ask other WS how they talk to their BS.

The details of an A will tigger different people in different ways. It is highly subjective and personal. You can't undo what you've done. All you can do is work on yourself, always, and help him heal, if/when he lets you.

What do you think reconciliation is? You're a few months out from dday. Do you talk about your affair? How often?

Also, you need to change your perspective. He's not throwing it in your face. He's in pain. This detail is excruciating for him. He needs to talk about it.

What are you doing to become a safe partner? What work are you doing on yourself?

Thanks for the responses. I've been going to IC and so has he. I'm transparent, he has all my passwords and email account and phone access, as well as social media. We choose to love each other and to reconcile

If it hasn't been suggested already, there is a very good book called "how to help your spouse heal after your affair". It gives detailed instructions that actually work.

I agree with the other poster. Your husband is in pain and his anger is very normal.

Alyssa, I do feel your pain. I'm a BS, but the background of your story resonates with me for personal reasons. Your situation is difficult to navigate. We normally tell people that the first task is to find your heart's truth. My sense is that you may be somewhat disconnected from that at present. You can't be emotionally true with anybody else if you don't know your heart's truth.

One reason it bothers me (and maybe this is random and rare so I'm the only one who feels this way) is that q beej with swallowing means digestion, etc.

Am I the only weirdo who obsesses about stuff like that?

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 5:50 AM, September 21st (Friday)]

How often do you sit down and have a discussion about the affair?

Are you still comparing what he did 10 years ago to what you did? If you are, then I can see why he brings that up to win the tit for tat game.

In addition to the questions above, is he still drinking? You can't R is he is. If he isn't, what is he doing for treatment? If he's white-knuckling, I don't see how you can R.

IIRC, the Drama Triangle was developed after Karpman observed relationships with alcoholics. I strongly suggest reading about it and figuring out how you get hooked into a DT. That's not meant as a criticism; it's really hard to stay out of DTs, especially when dealing with a hard player.

A place to start is karpmandramatriangle.com (citation approved by mod).

From what you said in your previous thread, it looks like your H takes the Persecutor/Perpetrator role in his DTs. If I read that right, that means he's using your A primarily as an excuse to get angry at you and keep the DT going. That is the opposite of healing.

Ill give you a man's perspective. Im in the same boat as your husband. I HOPE this is something you did for him as well, because if not, well that's close to a deal breaker imo. If so it will get better. I don't see myself ever fully forgiving her for it. Let's just say its not that special anymore, she'd do it for anyone giving her what she wants.

Take care and good luck.

[This message edited by QuietDan at 1:56 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

My husband had unprotected sex with/ejaculated inside of an AP in 2012... 6 years later and multiple discussions about it, it is STILL something that bothers me to my core. I threw it in his face for YEARS because what he did devastated me, risked my health & our financial security had an OC been created. You’re going to have to humble yourself and eventually it will happen less and less as time goes on/he begins to heal. Getting defensive about the fact of what you did being brought up will only cause you two to move backwards instead of forward.

The intimacy you had with AP and the images of you having sex or giving him a BJ are images that are burned into his mind. It replays like a video over and over and rips your heart out.

It is extremely hard to get past. Many never get past it. Keep trying to be there for him. I find that the more my WH talks with me and the more connected I feel to him, the less I think about the sexual acts. When we are in a bad place I find I think about the sexual acts a lot. It hurts me to the core and angers me.

If you work hard at doing the right things, it will fade with time and there is a chance he may get past it if he feels you are safe enough to never do that again. Keep focusing on healing the M and working on yourself. Be open and fully honest.

Identifing the causes of emotions and then expressing them is difficult for most people. Your husband wants you to help him and sometimes he just doesn’t even know why or how. At least that’s my opinion. Here’s the thing- when your husband is sad or angry about something the thing you can do the most is to imagine yourself in his shoes. This doesn’t mean you go “it would really be terrible if you had oral with another woman” and then expected him to move on. This means you imagine it like it really happened. Imagine a woman. Imagine what she looks like, smells like, etc. Imagine them smiling at each other. Imagine him easily giving her such an intimate act. Imagine you at home being innocent. Perhaps taking care of family matters while he was so intently disgracing your marriage. Imagine your feelings. Now that you are there, provide TRUE empathy to your husband. Not some one sentence sorry. But cry with him. There is absolutely no replacement for a WS to get down into the trenches and humbling themselves before their BS. Whether your husband can express this or not, I don’t know. But that is about the only comfort I can receive when I’m distraught over this hell story.

^^^ That was wonderful advice. I think it really hit home for my wife the first time I said, shortly after my rage finally cooled a little bit after DD: "Imagine what this would feel like if you were in my shoes."

w3 post.. read that post over and over and over again. If you don’t understand how he feels.... this is the way to understand his feelings.

AlyssaD

He's in trauma. He's hurting. Yes, blowjob, etc., but also, he is in a deep trauma, and the images of you and AP having oral sex are simply flashbacks. Work with him, help him, and understand that, at least for now, blowjobs are going to be associated with you and AP, more likely a trigger.

Does the therapist focus on trauma?