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The plane tickets are already bought. I'd just reaffirm with her family that I am a controlling asshole if I don't let her leave. Her Dad will be there as well and it'll just be a terrible situation. I saw a therapist today and he said he doesn't believe serving her before she leaves will help anything. Protecting myself will. I will cancel the credit card, move my money out of our accounts, etc. He wants me to focus on being a man and focus on taking back control. He said that divorce takes a long time, I don't have to rush right now. I've talked with two therapists right now and they both have said that full on scorched earth is a not helpful. It won't hurt much though. She is going through something that she has to figure out, is what they say. You can't control her, etc.

I do understand serving her before she leaves. I want to shock her back into reality but I also don't want her to make a rash decision while she is cloudy. Maybe after some time she'll realize that she doesn't want to be with me and sign it. I do plan to 180 and ghost her. I'm not sure about blocking her on social media until we are divorced but seeing her post stuff will just bring me pain. Could be taken as a rash sign, I don't know. I want to tell her family and friends but most of her friends are young like her and will take her side. I can tell her family but her Mom hates me because she believes everything my wife told her, because her Mom did the same thing to her Dad. He caught her sexting OM, he sought divorce, and she is now with the OM. He is still single after almost 9 years.

My hope is that she sort of fades talking to this guy. He lives in Florida, she doesn't have a job. I don't think she can go see him really. Then she works on her personal issues, maybe sees a therapist, and realizes that maybe I wasn't that bad. She said that she wants to leave because she's unhappy and not because she's talking to someone else. How are those two things not related?

I don't know, I want to strike a balance between scorched Earth and not being walked over. Is here a way to do that, or am I just screwed and she's never coming back so fuck her and destroy everything. I want to stay hopeful for a little and be strong but also not turn everyone and her more against R if it ever comes up.

[This message edited by Falc at 3:35 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

Right now you're on "Hopium", and somewhat still in denial, yes she can meet him in FL, wouldn't you buy a cheap plane ticket for a f*ck vacation if you were the OM ? yes he can purchase the ticket and you'll never even know she went to FL.

Every case is unique but we've seen cases like yours play out thousands of times here and other infidelity forums, hoping she will just get tired of OM is unrealistic at this point, it's not going to happen, again she needs to HATE the A if there's any chance, EXPOSURE without warning to ALL family and friends (especially her dad since he's a victim of an A) will help accomplish that.

Precisely because D takes a long time is that you need to file NOW and save you some money in alimony, you can stop if at anytime if she changes and you at that point decide to R. We've seen it here that unless the IC/MC specializes in infidelity they normally do more harm than good, yes you can walk and chew gum at the same time, the path out of infidelity runs parallel and for the most part is the same regardless of R or D.

She has low self esteem, she used to cut herself, etc so I am not sure what will happen when she's by herself. That is why I don't want to really be this super dick to her. I want to protect myself. I told her Dad about the cheating, he understood. I told him that I wanted to work it out. So if I go full on scorched earth, he will think I was lying. There was a situation yesterday where my WW asked me if they could come over to the house so her Dad could watch the Packer game. I said 'as long as it's just me and you when I get back by 1pm so we can talk'. She took this to mean that I wanted them to go somewhere else so it was a constant stream of 'don't worry about it', 'just stop', 'you always get what you want' texts. And later she told me that her Dad said "well I guess he was blowing smoke up my ass on friday when we talked" after she told him I wanted them to go somewhere else (which I didn't). She also blamed me for them having to spend $1000 to stay in a hotel. I sent him a text later saying that 'He knows what kind of person I am and what my values are. I would never lie to him'.

I want to follow my word. It was coming from a position of possible weakness but I love her Dad. He took me in for years when I had no family. I can't have that tarnished.

On hating the A, she did ask me to stop talking about him when I was suggesting they meet in person because it makes her feel bad. Does that mean she is starting to hate the A?

[This message edited by Falc at 3:43 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

Expose the affair and don’t give a F what anyone thinks.

You care too much. While you’re worried about her cutting herself she’s humping the other guy.

Let her family figure out what to do if she starts harming herself. Currently, Her entitlement trumps your commitment. And that’s not fair to you.

Go NC. Don’t respond to texts. For every scorching text you get, the OM is probably getting a nude pic. Let that settle in.

Man up.

You can expose and also let her friends and family know that she is going to need them now and you are not in a place to be able to support her.

You can't take responsibility for her actions.

We cant fix those you don't want to be fixed

I agree with your therapist that you need to protect yourself. Start closing accounts, separating money... If you aren't ready to give her an ultimatum (divorce papers) you shouldn't.

I agree that her leaving is her way to continue her online affair with OM...it's not to find herself or have space. She says that it has nothing to do with him because that would mean she is to blame. She want's to shift the blame on you... so it's about how unhappy she has been.

It doesn't look like you have a choice in the move out matter. The good news it that since she is moving in with her folks it means she and OM aren't THAT committed. Before she goes I'd have a talk with her and let her know that you will take responsibility for 50% of the problems in the marriage and are willing to work on them but that her AFFAIR is 100% on her. That you can't stay in a marriage with three people in it.

That she is fine to move in with her parents but that you are losing hope that the marriage is fixable. That every time she contact OM you see less hope that it is salvageable.

When she leaves do a hard 180, work on yourself and detaching. Do not send her money or try to help her out. Her folks are going to see her gaming all day, on the phone all night, and begin to suspect that she isn't the perfect wife.

She is either going to call you up and say she is 100% in and wants to rebuild the marriage or she is moving in with OM... We know that's not going to last. (He probably lives with his Mom).

What's up with her walking out on her job? Do you KNOW that is what happened? Could she have been caught "Gameing" on company time? Can she get something else easily?

the gist of this is that you need to work on you. Really think about if you want her back. I think you could find someone that is much more committed to you and your marriage. She seems really childish and immature.

Good luck

I have already talked with her about my commitment to working on the marriage and that I need the same commitment from her.

On walking out, she said that she might do it the morning that she did it so I don't think she can get caught. She won't be able to find something substantial, she only has a HS degree and some managerial experience. She is very childish and immature. I have been talking to some of our mutual online friends that we game with and none of them knew about her cheating on me with this guy but all of them knew she was leaving because I was always mad.

This is how it's always going to be. She's spreading lies so that people echo back that I'm shitty and she needs to leave. I can't compete with that when I want her back. I've lost anyway. It's hard to think about finding someone better, I am in love with her. She was the love of my life.

I have been exposing the cheating to people and I don't think it's helping. I can talk to more of her extended family (aunts/uncles) but they are all 65-70+ years old and they probably won't understand emotional online cheating. Should I still tell them?

Ive been talking to some mutual friends and they all have said that she is saying that she definitely can't be with me anymore. Maybe serving her is a good idea? Fuck waiting if she's telling everyone.

Take a hard look at what you're losing. Write it down. Pros and cons.

You maybe surprised at what you see.

Listen. You are getting great advice here.

Your goal shouldn't be to worry about pissing anyone off.

Ok, so you've been shot in the gut. You are bleeding out. The person that shot you (your wife) is standing there with a gun and smirking at you.

She has a scratch on her arm. She is demanding medical attention before you get it. What's worse is the fact that you are pushing for her to go first.

Doesn't that sound ridiculous?

Whether she starts cutting herself or not is not your problem. The moment she cheated on you, she fired you from that responsibility.

We all come here thinking that our story is unique. Unfortunately, your wife's affair and your subsequent "playing the pick me" dance, will not help you.

You have to stand up for yourself.

Quit making excuses!

Holy shit Falc. My ex wife meet some douche bag playing Socom navy seals on PS4. We were in CA and he was in NY. She left me for him and it was the best thing ever for me. I was stuck in that marriage with someone who had no motivation, no job and no plan for the future. She also left me with our 4 year old daughter. We got along fine without her. I know this hurts like hell but this could also be a blessing. Take care of you Brother.

Falc, you’ve been married two years...this should be some of the best years you have together and she’s nothing but a childish cheater.

D as soon as possible and start winning at life!

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 8:11 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

I told a few of our online friends and they told her. She got pissed at me asking why I did that. They had been only told by her that she was leaving, they knew nothing of the cheating. She said it made her feel bad. What does this mean?

It means she's embarrassed by the fact your mutual online friends now know the truth and she has lost her "good girl" status with them and now can't blame you for her leaving you, and yes she's supposed to feel "bad", did she ever think how "bad" you would feel before she began cheating ?, of course not, keep exposing, don't worry about what she says, she should have thought of that before she started her A, EXPOSURE to all family and close friends is ALWAYS a risk and cheaters know that.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:55 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

Your old lady is a liar and a cheat....you just outed her....

Did you think she was going to feel good about it?

The way I see it is you where protecting the marriage....some ladies respect the protection...some ladies don't and label it "controlling"!

You have been labeled the bad guy in all of this....good for you...in minimizes the chances of her crawling back and answering to her family and friends in why she wants to go back to the devil.

Live life well and it won't matter what her people think of you.

My Dad and I have been reading these threads and talking. Should I sit her down and basically say "Don't go back home halfway across the country. Stay and work it out. If you don't want to work it out, I will send divorce papers and you need to sign them". Does that seem like me being strong?

She told you she "likes this guy" and doesn't want to stop talking to him. She's admitted she doesn't want to stop her A.

Don't telegraph your moves and give her an ounce of control at this point (she chose to leave), your ultimatum still gives her a "choice", before you confronted her you were her plan B, now not even that, don't be nobody's plan B or C, you need to be plan A All the time, so just file for D and have her served wherever she is at the time D papers are ready, if she really wants to have a chance to save her M she knows what to do, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know she would need to END the A immediately and commit to NC FOREVER with OM, then show true remorse, be completely transparent and not blame you for it, until then you have no M, just file NOW go HARD 180, don't talk to her, don't text her (or respond to her texts), don't email her, just send her 1 text that from now on all communications have to be through your attorney.

Take half the money from the bank and cancel all joint credit cards, remove her from the ones she's an authorized user if any, ghost her completely and let the chips fall where they may, she will feel what life without you is really like, don't worry about her family at the end of the day they will take her side no matter what, at least you will have your dignity if D becomes final, you have a very young M, better now than 10 years and a few children later, there's someone out there who will be faithful and respect you, like they say here, "you shouldn't have to beg your wife not to have an A".

Don't be surprised that when she loses control of the outcome she comes back begging you for another chance (we see it often here), don't expect it though but if it happens, don't just agree to it, make her earn it, don't stop the D process and at that point tell her she's got until the day before it's final to PROVE to you she's changed and tell her you may still go ahead with D because of her HUGE betrayal.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 11:40 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

You said that she's a streamer and that really stood out to me. A lot of women online can make money off of incels who think if they pay them they want to be their online wife. If she's streaming that late and doing this, there might be more to this rabbit hole than you ever thought. A lot of women do stream and show off their bodies while gaming to make money. I'm not saying it's wrong, it's their choice, but it's wrong if you didn't know about it.

Serve her before she leaves. 2 reasons...

1. Any new debt can be yours. You can make the case that you were separated, but that is another hassle.

2. What if she files for divorce in another state? That would be a goodnight pain in the ass.

It takes two to reconcile. You can't do it alone.

I would definitely agree with this. You can't be the only one fighting for the relationship to work out. Both of you should do your part.Now, if she's unwilling to do so, move on and start a new life without her.You deserve someone better who would be faithful and loyal to you from the start.