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Falc,

Should I sit her down and basically say "Don't go back home halfway across the country. Stay and work it out. If you don't want to work it out, I will send divorce papers and you need to sign them". Does that seem like me being strong?

No. You're still giving her control. File and get it over with. If, after LOTS of therapy for both of you, she has PROVEN herself to be trustworthy and is showing you remorse through her actions, you can try to R later on. She's setting up a fuck vacation in plain view of you for fuck's sake!

Don't make the mistake that so many of us here (including myself) did which is to wait and hope the WS magically "gets it". It almost NEVER happens. I honestly cannot think of one story here since I joined SI where the WS suddenly snaps out of the fog and becomes a worthy candidate for R. Not one. I'm not saying it's impossible. But your WW is nowhere near ready for R. She's following the cheater handbook to a T.

No more waiting for her to decide if she wants D. You decide FOR YOU. File now and make her sign before she leaves. Period.

My hope is that she sort of fades talking to this guy.

Hope is not a strategy, as they say. It's just you at the end of the whip.

Consider forgiving her for everything, bearing her no grudge for her desire to move on, and just letting her go. It was real, it's been nice, now it is not, I'll miss you, but you've already left anyway so best of luck in your life. I'm taking control of mine.

Sending strength!

Falc, your thread is my first thread that I am posting advice on since I went through and am still going through something very similar, only it was social media that created my wife’s affair (checkout my thread it’s called “emotional affair and possibly physical). I’m still going through all of the motions like you are, but one thing I want to tell you from my experience is that what everyone here on SI is telling you is true. I got same bs excuses from my WW, “I need space,” “I’m not happy,” blah blah blah.

Listen to what they are saying no matter how hard it is for you to believe, but the girl you married and once knew is no longer present. This is a new person and you need to focus on YOURSELF because that is the only thing you can control. Do whatever you need to do to stay healthy, strong and be in control of yourself and emotions. I say this because i was in denial for a while but after I had my wake up call I can tell you I am in a good place (working on the drafts to file with attorney as I type this). The last thing I honestly wanted to do was file but there is nothing left for me to do. I say all of this because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. I understand I am a complete stranger but we have one thing in coming, we are both dealing with WW whom instead of made us very aware of their issues with us and the marriage in order to get us to go to counseling (not just say we’re not good can we go), but they decided to lower their boundaries and emotionally cheat (eventually will become physical) to escape and run away. Keep posting as this is a very crucial time for you!

Thank you for that. It just seems like an exit affair. She was a coward and couldn't talk to me about our problems so she looked for a way out after she passed the point of no return. I am getting closer to the fact that she is not coming back. I have an attorney. I'm not sure I'm ready to serve yet but at least I can file.

Her actions are loud and clear. She is not sorry, she doesn't care about the damage she is doing to herself and me, and she has no remorse. I will be talking to her tomorrow before she goes. I love her but I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I’m glad to see you realized that and are having a good attitude. Only file when you are ready and do not do it based on emotion (many times I wanted to when I was angry but when I started to 180 and detach I realized I wasn’t ready yet). Only you will know when you are ready. Be prepared for a merry-go-round of emotions from your WW.

FWIW, my wife did the same thing with the exception I will give her credit that she did ask me twice to go to marriage counseling but only offered that we weren’t ok. If we were really that bad she would have smacked me and said were going, no excuses... same thing on my end, a marriage takes 2 people and my wife made it clear with her actions that she didn’t want to work at it with me so my only option is to move on. Keep your head up and prepare for some emotional roller coaster rides, it gets rough but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!

It's just so hard to believe that this person who 9 days ago looked me in the eye and said I love you to me and I believed it, has completely turned around and has absolutely no care for me at all.

She has no care for what she's doing. She's packing her shit and going. Without a single thought to the marriage, or what divorce means. We just bought a damn house. Why does this happen?

I'm so sorry Falc you are going through this. I know it's hard to accept that the woman you loved is gone already but that's the reality. You can't change her mind and she won't either no matter how much effort you put into it. It hurts but eventually you'll realize that she's not the woman for you and that you deserve better.

"...9 days ago looked me in the eye and said I love you to me and I believed it,"

The problem is that you believed it. She was lying then and she's been lying for quite a while now. She's been working on her exit for months, it's only you who didn't know what was happening. Her online buddies even knew well before you did.

You need to pull your head out of your love-fog and realize that she's been feeding you lies for a long time. This is not a sudden action on her part. This has been planned and coordinated.

You need to D her now; there's no need to wait. She left the marriage and your relationship a long time ago. She's only revealed at the last minute because she was forced into it. Otherwise she would have left as planned an simply not come back. You've been played. Now it's your turn to play.

Listen to those with experience. Divorce her as soon as you legally can. Get yourself free. Don't allow her to ruin your life and your friendships. Learn from this and never allow yourself to be used again.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's a painful situation and you're going to need time to heal. In the mean-time protect your assets and your future. Take care of yourself by working out, eating healthy, focusing on positive things, spending time with friends, exploring nature, and anything else that builds you up personally and professionally. Become better than you are. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 9:02 AM, September 26th (Wednesday)]

How was this preplanned? Her Dad just bought us 2 years of water filters for the water conditioner he was going to install while he was here. I don't think her family knew at all. I think that maybe she planned it, she was blatantly texting him while sitting next to me.

It's so shitty. I didn't even get a chance at all. I caught her, she split while her family was here, now she's splitting for good.

Well, she is gone. She flies back to Wisconsin tomorrow. She shipped her clothes and her PC home. She says she needs time to think but I don't believe it. She says she wants to meet me when I fly back there for work training in a month. I just don't understand, I am so confused. Why all the mixed messages?

She got mad at me for asking for my Mom's hair straightener and hair dryer back. My mom is dead, it hurts me to possibly never see it again. I guess it's a little controlling but what do I have left... she's leaving. She got mad at me for keeping the car when it's in my name and it can't leave the state.

She doesn't have a job. We owe $3000 in property taxes in a month plus our house payment. She literally screwed me completely. I don't even know what to do or where to go. I am lost, I am trying to see the good in this but it's impossible.

She's lost in emotion that she built up during gaming. It's a fantasy world where nothing is hard. Stressful times came and she escaped there. This relationship doesnt ask for any sacrifice. Blaming you is not right. Even if things were hard, still that doesnt excuse leaving you emotionally and hurting you.

I think you were very kind to show her your love and how you wanted to build up your marriage. I'm sorry she didn't take your rare gift with tears of joy and gratitude. Maybe yes, it might have worked out better to be tough from the start but you have time still for that. She can't be doing these things as a married woman. She knows it is wrong and thats why she hid it. I would say no more gaming alone. You are a good person and you worry for her. That's very admirable. I think she can handle some rules.

You can work out dishes and laundry and a thousand other things. It's best not to stay on these topics and blame each other or yourself for the past. The discussion must stay on her choice to share what she did online. You are not being mean, you are offering her something real and good instead of the phony nothing that Mr. Online has spun out of deceit. Stand strong in the right and speak honestly. I hope her family can see this aright.

Falc, like you said, she's gone and you need to come to terms with it, she shipped her computer and clothes that means she's not planning to comeback, you need to detach, file for D, maybe she will see how hard life might be without you, maybe not but you can't just remain in limbo, move on, by the time she realizes she wants to come back to you (if that even happens) you may not even want her back, either way, you detach and get out of infidelity, good luck and keep posting.

Yes Buster is right. Stop hoping for her to come back because she already made up her mind. Yes, maybe she'll eventually realize her faults and come back to you but it would be too late. Just detach from her completely and focus on moving on with life.

Well, she is gone. She flies back to Wisconsin tomorrow. She shipped her clothes and her PC home. She says she needs time to think but I don't believe it. She says she wants to meet me when I fly back there for work training in a month. I just don't understand, I am so confused. Why all the mixed messages?

These aren't mixed messages she plans to keep you around while she pursues OM. She isn't 100% sure about OM right now but thinks she will know by the time of your training. Did you tell her that you were going to file? The Mixed messages are because she still want's to keep you around as her plan B....but she doesn't want you around while she pursues OM.

You really need to take a look at who she is right now. Not who you think she is, not who you think she was. Would you really want to have kids with this woman? She quits her job on a whim, sends strangers nudes, treats her husband like crap, spends 75% of her time gaming or sleeping. If you were to reconcile it would have to be a 100% all in thing for her. She would have to give up gaming or Chat with guys (or this will happen again) she would have to give up OM and give you full transparency, get a job that she couldn't just walk out of, give you all the information on OM...

It doesn't sound like you are doing a hard 180. She's gone now. Focus on you and on your finances. See if you can get a free consult with a lawyer.

I think the good side of all of this is that you don't have kids.

We hugged and kissed for a long time. When she was walking away she was on her phone texting. I just can't get it out of my head that she was texting him. He lives in fucking Florida. I think I might pay the 3k property tax and the house payment right now so there's literally not much left in our checking account. I have a lawyer, I just don't think I am ready to file for D.

I did this to her too, years and years ago when we were dating. I asked her to leave for a week and I was talking to someone else. I realized that I was being stupid and I called her and asked her to come back. She's holding it against me and doing the same thing to me. But we are married now, we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend and she's treating it like she can just leave.

It's my controlling nature to want to show her that we have responsibilities but she doesn't care. I am just so destroyed, I don't even want to work or do anything.

And it seems to me that the 180 is for couples still living in the same house. The 180 is for me to start moving on and getting strong, but it's also for the spouse to notice and to understand that they might lose you. How can I 180 when she's 2000 miles away? I WANT her to see me changing, I want her to see what she's missing.

She also said she wants me to text her, but don't text her all the time and not about how I'm changing. I feel so stupid, I know that I shouldn't text her at all. I just want to.

[This message edited by Falc at 10:00 AM, September 27th (Thursday)]

Don't text her...you will be disappointed.

If you are like me, as soon as you hit send you will want to say more or explain what you just said and then if she doesn't reply soon enough (and she won't) you will text again and have a convo with yourself.

What worked for me is when Id; get the urge to text I'd look at the clock and say I'll text her in 2 hours. In 2 hours I forget or give myself another 2 hours.

Go ride your bike, play with the dog or out to lunch something to distract.

Break the habit.

We hugged and kissed for a long time. When she was walking away she was on her phone texting. I just can't get it out of my head that she was texting him. He lives in fucking Florida. I think I might pay the 3k property tax and the house payment right now so there's literally not much left in our checking account. I have a lawyer, I just don't think I am ready to file for D.

I did this to her too, years and years ago when we were dating. I asked her to leave for a week and I was talking to someone else. I realized that I was being stupid and I called her and asked her to come back. She's holding it against me and doing the same thing to me. But we are married now, we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend and she's treating it like she can just leave.

It's my controlling nature to want to show her that we have responsibilities but she doesn't care. I am just so destroyed, I don't even want to work or do anything.

And it seems to me that the 180 is for couples still living in the same house. The 180 is for me to start moving on and getting strong, but it's also for the spouse to notice and to understand that they might lose you. How can I 180 when she's 2000 miles away? I WANT her to see me changing, I want her to see what she's missing.

She also said she wants me to text her, but don't text her all the time and not about how I'm changing. I feel so stupid, I know that I shouldn't text her at all. I just want to.

Dude, you're getting golden advice in this thread. Follow it. Your marriage is over. You need to get control of this situation and look out for yourself. She's gone, and she's not coming back. File now and start to regain some of your self respect.

You married a child. She's not the same person you think you married, and she's not even the slightest bit remorseful about starting up an online relationship with this guy in Florida. I'd look into him as well, and determine whether he's married or not. If he is, find a way to contact his spouse and let her know that her H is carrying on with your WW.

She's the one who decided to bring someone else into your marriage. It is completely irrelevant what you did in the past. She broke your marital vows and tried to blame shift this back on you. It's not your fault.

I'm truly sorry you're going through this, but it's time to put your big boy pants on and reclaim your manhood. She's driving this thing right now. The best way to get control of the situation is to file for D and do that 180. Cut off contact. Don't text. Don't call. Don't email. Zero contact.

Sitting on your hands hoping something is going to change is only going to end with more pain and suffering for you, and the same outcome. I know you're hoping it results in her realizing her mistake and coming back to you. Start to accept the reality that it probably isn't going to happen.

[This message edited by Fbtjax at 12:41 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

If I file do I need to serve her?

You're still on "Hopium", and are just reacting to whatever she does, she's in control, you need to take control of the situation, stop being her doormat, you look weak and that's not very attractive for women, please get yourself out of infidelity, she's rubbing her A in your face, pay those property taxes and FILE for D (without warning), have her served wherever she is and implement a HARD 180, don't text her, don't call her, don't email her and don't respond to her calls and/or texts, once she's served she's going to call you, don't answer, just ghost her, she made the move to continue her A and left, go radio silent if she cuts her trip short don't just take her back, make her earn it if that's what you still want, don't stop the D process yet unless you're sure the A has ended, that she sends an NC FOREVER letter to OM, agrees to full on demand access to all her devices FOREVER and agrees to IC to find out her "whys", over a few months shows true remorse (not regret) and agrees to do the heavy lifting to become a safe partner, R after infidelity takes about 2-5 years, if she's not willing to do all of that then cut your losses and just let D run its course.

Don't forget to cancel all joint credit cards and remove her as an authorized user from yours.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 1:44 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

If I file do I need to serve her?

Yeah, she will be served with papers. Can't really avoid that, but just because someone is served, that doesn't mean the marriage is absolutely over. The divorce process can be stopped at any time. Unfortunately, in reading your situation, I don't think that's likely. Not completely impossible, but I really think you're just dealing with someone who lacks the maturity to be in a committed relationship. You deserve better.