SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m just curious really. If we are to believe in affair fog theory (I’m on the fence) are some cheaters so ‘fogged’ and so addicted to the affair (I’m talking limerance affair here I guess) that separation and divorce happens and THEN they ‘wake up’ and realise what they’ve lost? So remorse happens after divorce and way too late... Any stories of this?

I’m going to add, that I’m heading for divorce and am absolutely comfortable with that. I don’t want my WH back BUT I do wonder if he’ll ever realise what he’s lost in our family?

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:03 AM, October 13th (Saturday)]

Not after we D-ed, but about 8 months after I kicked her out, she started "coming to". Calling me, asking me if she could come home. It escalated to crying and begging, sobbing and pleading over the next year or so.

I divorced her.

I think the cheater does get it but many will never admit it.

The reality is if you D the cheater and then the cheater wakes up, I believe it is that reality plays a bigger role in their regret.

As in having to pay alimony or loss of assets or not having the kids as much or loss of financial comfort, having to work at a job to support the household but was not working prior to D, increased expenses etc.

Not having someone to cook or clean or do laundry - now having to do those chores yourself.

It’s called consequences. And some people don’t ever want to face the consequences of their choices.

I’d be very suspicious of the late in the game “I’m sorry”.

I know several individuals that lament what they have lost because of their infidelity and divorce.

Their consequences and what they conveyed indicated they wished they had made different choices and taken different paths in their lives.

I think in some cases it may be regret or for selfish purposes. I do not know specifically about remorse except in 3 individuals.

It is difficult to discern if individuals want what they lost back for their own selfishness or were remorseful except in the 3 situations noted above where the spouse after divorce went about radical transformation.

I think my wife and I could reconcile or maybe rug sweep is the appropriate term. She has expressed deep sorrow and emotion about her infidelity. I have no desire to do so. I cannot wait for the divorce to be finalized.

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This is a different matter all together: I think statistics indicate about 6 to 10 % of divorces result in the individuals remarrying each other. I do not know anything about the studies or why the couples made this decision.

In Xhole's case, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he regrets the consequences he incurred, but has no remorse and would do it again. He would love to be remarried so I can once again carry all the marital weight of day to day living while he plays. He is sorry that ended because he had a good thing going. Remorse? Not in the slightest. And he was definitely not in any kind of fog. He cheated because he wanted to. Period.

This is imho opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. IMO if a WS actually let's the divorce go through before finally coming out of their fantasy fog, they weren't truly remorseful, but regretful that their affair partner wasn't what they thought and are only experiencing a selfish "buyer's remorse". They aren't sorry that they hurt YOU, but sorry that they didn't get what they thought they were going to from the AP. There are exceptions, of course, but the majority of WS that have their come to Jesus moment after the fact aren't remorseful.

I broke up with my cheater, and I'm sure he's feeling the consequences financially and socially. He's probably not remorseful though, because he's incapable of empathy. He probably thinks he's remorseful though, as he has said that to anyone that will listen to him.

I think my stbx falls into this category. But I'm still divorcing. 15 months of little effort from him post dday... and that six month A, plus a mediocre marriage prior to that... what's to reconcile?

I had a friend who went into the fog so deep. He left his wife & child for his AP. They eventually got married. The OW ended cheating on him & they divorced.

He had rewritten their marriage & vilified his exwife to such a point, it took 11 years for him to start to see what he lost. Even with that, the last time I spoke to him, he wasn't 100% completely out of it.

His exwife did remarry & is leading a fabulous life. I believe if he could he'd try to go back. His affair started 11 years ago, if he could he'd go back.

There is no question that eventually they will realize what they have done.

It just takes longer for some to pull their heads out of their asses than others.

Almost a year to the day after our D he said he'd spend the rest of his lift making it up to me if I gave him another chance. Nope, too many cruel things said prior to the D for me to even consider it. One thing he said was he needed a crutch and I was it but he no longer needed one so he was done.

To this day he is a mess...sadly...such a talented guy. But no, not for one minute did I think it would work...would have eventually been a return to more BS.

My Ex absolutely regrets his affair and everything that cost him: me, his children, his house, his social and professional status. And I think that he probably is remorseful in many ways. Has he figured anything out for himself via inspection or therapy? Nope. Does he continue to make bad and self destructive choices for himself? Yes. Does he continue to lie or obscure the truth in order to avoid conflict? Yep. It is nothing short of tragic that it took the divorce for my Ex to finally realize what was at stake but by then it really was too late. I regret nothing.

"...I do wonder if he’ll ever realise what he’s lost in our family?"

Yes, he will eventually. As you can read from other posters, how long it takes is variable.

Hoping that you're doing well. You've got a great future ahead of you.

I literally just wrote about this in a post I just posted in the Divorce/Separation section...

I know my WH will. I just don't know when. I am not waiting around though. I also can't live my life thinking it may happen because then what? Hopefully I will become stronger and know I can be without him or even just by myself and when that day comes, I'll just say, "sorry"...

XWH#1 did find remorse or maybe it was regret. He said he would have divorced him too. This was 13yrs after the divorce when I was divorcing XWH#2. He was hoping to get me back. There was too much water under the bridge and I told him so. I heard he was getting married to the town whore according to his brother. He knows he missed out on a great thing.

I have to be honest... everyone IRL I’ve spoken too who has experience of infidelity where it has led to divorce, talks of cheaters who regret their decisions and wish they had never made the choices they did. But it usually involves not raising their children, loss of family friends (all things centred around themselves), not the impact on the spouse, so still regret rather than remorse. I suspect it’s because they still struggle so much with actually understanding what infidelity does to a betrayed. They don’t grow empathy or compassion but they do grow self pity and egocentricity.

Think I’ll pass on worrying about the inevitable conversation I’ll have with my STBXC. It’ll still be a conversation all about him!

Thanks for the replies... really helpful!

There is no question that eventually they will realize what they have done.

I respectfully disagree with destroyed1 (and agree with the1stwife). Just as you have all kind of cheaters, there’s all kind of people, all sort of personality.

20 years laters, my XWW still believe that “cheating was not the problem, me not loving her enough was the problem.”

How’s that for remorse?

As for your WW Dragonfly123 nobody here can tell. But it doesn’t really matter.