SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear CantBeMe123,

Your wife knew it was wrong in staying in contact with the friend who had exposed the affair between your wife and her partner. That is why she deleted the FB contact immediately after DD. I believe this was another act of deceit over the years. This was a way to stay abreast of the activities of the affair partner.

I’m not saying to leave your marriage over this, but I believe marriage counseling is needed for both of you to gain healing. I believe your marriage can and will work if both are totally invested.

Best,

Bigheart

You can verify this yourself but my experience with Facebook is that FB routinely prompts me to be friends with: friends of my friends.

This is my experience too, but she swears he never "popped up" and she had never seen his FB profile before I searched him last week. It is hard to believe.

Also, you’ve assessed her current remorse level correctly, in my opinion. There is a nugget of remorse (she had nothing to gain by telling the truth, but did so anyway), but she truly doesn’t understand the impact of the betrayal (unfair in its own right) and continued lies about it (exponentially more unfair given you wound up married under false pretenses). You have every right to be furious with her because she, the person who was supposed to have your back, took away your ability to make an informed choice with your life. Her behavior is a deal breaker, period. In fact, it has forever altered the M that was/is. You simply must decide if you can attempt to build something new with her. She needs to show you she is worthy of that chance if you decide you can R. I don’t think she has yet.

I keep trying to remind myself of all the positives that are evidence of her being a different/better/remorseful person - she confessed willingly, she opened her accounts to me, she took and passed a poly, she has read many books and this forum, she writes me great emails and tries to do and say the right things.

I really try to make these facts my guiding light, but in the dark days I can only focus on the negatives - she slept with another man, she did it in repulsive ways, she manipulated me, she lied to me for my whole life, she kept the OM "close" by remaining friends with an affair enabler, she has lied to me even after D-Day and been deceptive, she continues to deflect and minimize.

R does not feel particularly close right now.

I note you said that the one lunch encounter, they went to an apartment. But it wasn't his, and it wasn't yours. Whose was it? Was somebody enabling/encouraging the A, or did the dude simply have a buddy who loaned him the keys like guys sometimes do?

Similarly, where were they when FB friend woman walked in on them? An apartment? A back room at a club?

The mystery apartment was likely the guy's best friend, who worked with them. However, my wife doesn't actually know. She just went with him and didn't ask questions. But, her first time with POSOM when she left the club, they were driven to the apartment by this best friend, so she assumes it was his. She assumes it was not OM's because he had a girlfriend and the apartment had no "female presence".

When they got walked in on, they were at a house party. No idea whose house. He followed her into a bedroom where everyone was storing purses/coats, and then they went into the bathroom for "privacy" to do the deed

As to the asshole, you mentioned he is married. Do you have any way of determining whether the woman he is married to is the woman he was dating back during the A? If you do talk to FB friend, and you are careful about how you ask those questions, you might find out. If it is the same woman, one step to consider would be to tell her about the A, and do it without informing your WW that you are going to do so. First, it would be the decent thing to do. Second, it might flush out very quickly whether there are communication channels still open from him to her.

He is not married I don't think. I mentioned that the FB friend/affair enabler seems to have a nice family. As to POSOM, his FB profile is just his face, and there are no pictures of kids or family to be seen.

The FB friend woman did not respond to me last night but did send my wife a "wave" emoji on FB messenger. I'm sure she is trying to determine if she should talk to me and how much she needs to lie. I responded from my wife's account (with my wife's permission) telling her it's OK to talk to me and tell the whole truth. Still waiting on anything more there.

You know what happens then. The FB algorithm recommends hundreds of friend connections, and typically people click "accept" without even really looking.

That's my wife's story, except the problem is that she did turn down quite a few friends in that early rush of adding new friends. She also admitted to me last night that part of why she accepted the request is because this woman had a crush on OM back then, and she felt bad for "stealing her man" No only was she cheating on me, she was doing it with someone that one of her other (single) friends wanted to be with!

She thought of the friend request as some kind of peace offering from this woman letting bygones be bygones, and of course my wife loves to make herself feel good so she accepted it and was happy to feel better about what she had done. It makes me feel she had more remorse for this woman than she ever did for me, and it infuriates me. This woman then got a front row view of MY LIFE, and watched us get married, have kids, all while knowing what a monster my wife was back then.

By the way, the woman who walked in on them, is it possible that she was a vector in the A stopping? Did she possible confront your WW and say something like, "What the heck are you doing? What is wrong with you? You have a good man at home!"

No! Not at all! According to my wife, her response upon walking in on them was, "I wish OM would take me to the bathroom". And of course she was so un-bothered by the affair and my wife's actions that she friended her two years later once she joined FB, even though they completely fell out of touch in the meantime.

These people my wife were parting with were the types who work retail as a career. My wife worked there for six months, then got a better job, then a masters degree, etc. We are not anything like these people. Being FB friends with them is so incredibly inexcusable in my eyes because we are from different worlds and she would NEVER hang out with them again or want/need to see them again. Being FB friends, to me, was all about her people pleasing and being curious/wanting to flirt with danger in regards to the OM and keeping him just one step away. She swears this part isn't true, but it makes no sense to me otherwise. She was friends with at least three people on FB who would have been direct friends with OM, for the last 10 years.

Keep in mind that voluntary confessions like your WW's are rare, at least here on SI. They are especially rare long after the fact. Usually, those kinds of WS's take that to the grave. To me it reflects the fact that your WW has evolved and matured and, more than that, her direction has been toward a stronger love and higher regard for you. That, to me, is the big picture issue. She was once young, somewhat unstable, somewhat dependent on affirmation from others. She drank too much. She made horrible decisions. Over the years she has become somebody different, somebody better. Most important, she had come to hold your right to the truth higher than her own comfort or safety. That is something to both cherish and respect.

I know all this, and I do find things to love and respect and be proud of about it. But I just can't shake being so upset, and so hurt, and so heartbroken that she actually did what she did. I think she would be an A+ partner for someone else, where everything she did in the past could be boiled down to "I cheated, I was wild, I made bad decisions and was a bad person, but I learned and grew up and I'm not that person anymore." And for someone else, that would be believable and she really is a good person now. She could have a clean break and be the person she really wants to be and deserves to be seen as.

For someone else, she would be a beautiful, smart, caring person, a GOOD person, and a really excellent life partner.

But, because she did those things TO ME, or at least while committed to me, I just don't know if that life partner can be me anymore. It's too personal for me, too hurtful, and too difficult to accept or forgive. I just don't know if I can take it.

I know all this, and I do find things to love and respect and be proud of about it. But I just can't shake being so upset, and so hurt, and so heartbroken that she actually did what she did. I think she would be an A+ partner for someone else, where everything she did in the past could be boiled down to "I cheated, I was wild, I made bad decisions and was a bad person, but I learned and grew up and I'm not that person anymore." And for someone else, that would be believable and she really is a good person now. She could have a clean break and be the person she really wants to be and deserves to be seen as.

For someone else, she would be a beautiful, smart, caring person, a GOOD person, and a really excellent life partner.

But, because she did those things TO ME, or at least while committed to me, I just don't know if that life partner can be me anymore. It's too personal for me, too hurtful, and too difficult to accept or forgive. I just don't know if I can take it.

That fact that you are upset and are having a giant amount of trauma over this is 100% normal. So is the emotional roller coaster you now find yourself on. One often sees here that no decisions should be made sooner than 90 days after dday, and often that period should be 6 months or even a year. "Trauma" is a very apt term to describe the initial impact of a disclosure of this magnitude. While you're still laying in the road bleeding, it's not a good time to make a decision about how you plan to act concerning the driver who just ran into you.

Or, to use my metaphor from your other thread, right now you are that good dog from my youth running into the wind and thrusting your nose as far as you can, wanting nothing except to get the relentless, awful stench out of your nose. Give it time. The stench will diminish, I promise you.

In the meantime, consider your own life over the long term. This trauma and its aftermath is now your reality. As I outlined above, you basically have three choices in terms of how you will proceed through life with this trauma as part of your life: (a) spend it with your WW and your family, (b) spend it without a life's partner, or (c) spend it with somebody new you might meet, who probably won't be all that interested in hearing about your baggage from your prior marriage.

Your WW is conflict avoidant, that is clear. It is a trait often found in cheaters. And she needs to make herself feel good, as you note. The over-arching connecting thread, that hasn't been mentioned, is that she knew way back then that she loved you and wanted a committed lifelong relationship with you, and aside from the A that occurred long ago, she has done this. The other part to this theme is that her commitment to you has grown stronger over time, and more mature, not vice versa.Your WW sounds like she has been a good wife and companion for the past 10 years, better than most, and, more important, it sounds like she is improving with time. My friend, that is a mitzvah. Don't dismiss it lightly.

Edited later to address the FB comments:

Like you, I have difficulty believing the POSOM didn't pop up as a suggested friend on her FB feed. The FB algorithm is aggressive like that. You mention that she is direct FB friends with several people who are friends of his.

Also, I think she is minimizing this aspect for some reason -- my sense is that the reason is because she is ashamed of the episode and wishes it had never occurred, and her reason for being FB friends with those connected others isn't because of some wistful/woebegon recollections of the incident but rather that this short chapter in her life was tumultuous and cathartic but it was the launch of "the rest of her life" and those people were in it. A lot of emotional growth compressed into a 6-month period. I recall relocating with a LTGF to a distant part of the nation back in my early 20's and what a whirlwind life seemed like. New biome. New climate. New set of spoken and unspoken social mores. Unfamiliar locations. Getting lost. Even learning to dial different area codes on the phone.

People place different weights on social media connections. I am not an active poster on social media. I have a FB page that I look at daily, but post only once a week, maybe less, and then usually something light-hearted that I see on somebody else's feed. I have a ton of FB friends, most of which were accumulated in the first year or two after starting my account. Most of these people have only very tangential connections to my life, and there are some whom I don't even know at all. Like I look at the photo and the name and there is some foggy memory of having crossed paths with the person at some point, but I can't recall it.

In other words, to me, FB friends are not true life's friends. Some of my actual good friends are on FB, but not all of them. Most of the people who appear on my FB friends are simply people whose paths crossed mine at some point in a way that triggered the FB algorithm.

I use FB messenger to communicate with some people, like my wife, kids, in-laws, one or two truly close friends. In my messenger feed, you'll see a handful of people -- maybe 10 -- with long messenger feeds. And another handful -- maybe another 20 -- with very occasional messages. And nothing more.

I guess my point is that to me the mere fact that she was FB friends with a few people from that era is not surprising given how FB works in terms of recommending friends, and isn't significant in terms of her feelings about the A and the POSOM. Maybe she treats social media differently than I do, but speaking personally, all that would signify is that this is somebody I've crossed paths with at some point. It would not signify anything about my emotions concerning that person.

Again, speaking personally, even "liking" a post usually has no significance. I "like" many FB posts because I actually like the post. I find it funny, or cute, or something. Often, I don't even notice who actually posted it. I think that is true for many people.

On a point mentioned above, I would assume she had to have thought about the A from time to time, if for no other reason than because you have asked her about it from time to time. That bit to me is where your conversation should lie. She says she's not thought about the guy since the A ended, but that can't possibly be totally true. Perhaps what she means is that she has not had recollections or daydreams specifically about her being with the guy. In other words, he doesn't occupy her musings in that way. The thoughts have been more along the lines of "there is this very shitty presence in my memory that somehow I have to deal with in some way, I wish it could just go away."

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:58 AM, December 12th (Wednesday)]

Your mixed feelings are understandable and you may feel this way for quite awhile yet. You should probably be talking to an IC too. A specialist in infidelity would be a good fit for you as well.

I keep trying to remind myself of all the positives that are evidence of her being a different/better/remorseful person - she confessed willingly, she opened her accounts to me, she took and passed a poly, she has read many books and this forum, she writes me great emails and tries to do and say the right things

All of these positive things are only a start. Sure, they are more than some people get, but if she believes they are all she needs to do for you to R, she is woefully mistaken. She has to fix what allowed her to cheat and lie, period. Then she has to convince you she has done so to have the best shot at true R. She has only scratched the surface to date. Detach, soft 180, whatever you want to call it, but takes steps to guard yourself until she (and/or your IC as a detached, but involved 3rd party) convinces you those defenses are no longer necessary.

These people my wife were parting with were the types who work retail as a career. My wife worked there for six months, then got a better job, then a masters degree, etc. We are not anything like these people. Being FB friends with them is so incredibly inexcusable in my eyes because we are from different worlds and she would NEVER hang out with them again or want/need to see them again. Being FB friends, to me, was all about her people pleasing and being curious/wanting to flirt with danger in regards to the OM and keeping him just one step away. She swears this part isn't true, but it makes no sense to me otherwise. She was friends with at least three people on FB who would have been direct friends with OM, for the last 10 years.

You are spot on and this is a huge red flag. You are absolutely correct that there was no reason to maintain contact except to keep OM one step away.

It is incredibly disappointing - please pause and think before you jump into "reconciliation".

She also admitted to me last night that part of why she accepted the request is because this woman had a crush on OM back then, and she felt bad for "stealing her man" No only was she cheating on me, she was doing it with someone that one of her other (single) friends wanted to be with!

CantBeMe123

A woman will find a toad attractive if all of her friends want him.

She thought of the friend request as some kind of peace offering from this woman letting bygones be bygones, and of course my wife loves to make herself feel good so she accepted it and was happy to feel better about what she had done. It makes me feel she had more remorse for this woman than she ever did for me, and it infuriates me.

CantBeMe123

Her friend knew want she did and you didn’t. What you didn’t know didn’t matter.

Keep in mind that voluntary confessions like your WW's are rare, at least here on SI.

This is true. But one factor is that your relationship was great at the time she confessed. It’s like she had build up a form of Political capital with you.

Political capital refers to the trust, goodwill, and influence a politician has with the public and other political figures. This goodwill is a type of invisible currency that politicians can use to mobilize the voting public or spend on policy reform.

She thought she had enough “currency” with you that you wouldn’t divorce her. She thought she had the opportunity for what I call “feel good for free”. By that I mean feeling good would come at a low cost.

It’s like the “feel good” she got from her FB friend. All it cost her was a click.

An example would be hitting a parked car in a parking lot and no one saw. If the damage was very low you would put a note on the car saying what you did. It’s worth $50 to feel good about yourself. But if the damage was $500 you might not leave the note.

CBM, if I'm reading this correctly, your wife re-added someone who knew of the affair, stayed FB friends with her all this time, got annual birthday messages from her, then deleted her post-DDay and decided not to disclose the fact that they had been friends all that time until now?

That's incredibly disappointing and shows that your wife still defaults to lying and hiding things from you in order to get her way. I'm sorry that the hits keep coming like this. TT is brutal.

I recall you saying she took a polygraph test.

Meeting him at a club and then the quickie in the semi public bathroom does not sound like she required a deep emotional attachment or relationship. That may be typical behavior for an inexperienced college freshman but by 23yo (and years of college parties)and in a committed relationship she should have known better.

Did she have a history of casual sex with men she didn't have an ongoing relationship with? Were you her first 'committed' relationship? Did you ask if there was ever any overlap or infidelity in previous relationships?

Did you ask if she ever viewed the OM's FB page or communicated with him in any way?

Also, there's a FB feature where you can look back (limited I think to 3 years) at her activity. Has there been any contact?

But I just can't shake being so upset, and so hurt, and so heartbroken that she actually did what she did. I think she would be an A+ partner for someone else, where everything she did in the past could be boiled down to "I cheated, I was wild, I made bad decisions and was a bad person, but I learned and grew up and I'm not that person anymore." And for someone else, that would be believable and she really is a good person now. She could have a clean break and be the person she really wants to be and deserves to be seen as.

For someone else, she would be a beautiful, smart, caring person, a GOOD person, and a really excellent life partner.

But, because she did those things TO ME, or at least while committed to me, I just don't know if that life partner can be me anymore. It's too personal for me, too hurtful, and too difficult to accept or forgive. I just don't know if I can take it.

Its been said that some people love idealistically/romantically. And others love opportunistically/pragmatically.

Those in the first group tend to see the best in their partner. They can overlook or rationalize away behavior and traits that are less then appealing. Some put their partners on a pedestal.

Those in the second group have a bit more of a "real world" approach. How does this relationship best benefit me? Is he/she the best that I can get? They tend to keep their options open for a while even after deciding on "The One." Why paint yourself into a corner when something better might come along?

I am going to venture a guess that you are more in the first group. And that is what makes her betrayal so tough. It is not just what they did. It is that the image you had of her is shattering. It is the self doubt that comes from thinking, "why didn't I see this before?" It is the realization that your wife might be in the second group. Or at least was at the time.

And could she end up there again if her environment changed? Would she default back to her base programming? What kind of men would she introduce into your kids lives if you divorced?

If you are struggling with this line of thinking make sure to bring it up with your IC, if you have not already. The roller coaster will continue for a while more. But as you process, over time it should start to level out.

Wife's activity on Facebook

You can pull up your wife's activity for the last 3 years by entering: 'activity log' on the search line

BFTG - your thoughts on FB usage lines up with hers (and mine). We are not heavy "facebookers" and we both have a ton of friends on there that we hardly now or don't keep up with. I try to remind myself of this to keep my levity about this situation.

It is incredibly disappointing - please pause and think before you jump into "reconciliation".

I am very much paused, but still want to make it happen. I lost my wedding ring in a freak accident a few days ago (swear to god) and have decided to go without it for the time being. I told my wife she can propose to me when she thinks I am ready to resume marriage with her. This idea has really liberated my thoughts and feelings and helped with my co-dependency.

That's incredibly disappointing and shows that your wife still defaults to lying and hiding things from you in order to get her way. I'm sorry that the hits keep coming like this. TT is brutal.

Yes, I do think my wife has a huge issue with hiding and covering up by default when she does things she's ashamed of. We all do, but I think with her she continues to do it even when it is self-destructive to do so. I think she is now more aware of this and willing to work on it.

Did she have a history of casual sex with men she didn't have an ongoing relationship with? Were you her first 'committed' relationship? Did you ask if there was ever any overlap or infidelity in previous relationships?

Did you ask if she ever viewed the OM's FB page or communicated with him in any way?

Also, there's a FB feature where you can look back (limited I think to 3 years) at her activity. Has there been any contact?

Yes, she does have a history of casual sex, or at least casual sexual encounters. She has only had sex with 4 other guys not including me (and including POSOM), but she did do a lot of kissing guys on the dance floor and casual hook-ups.

She was in a committed relationship in high school that spanned three years and kind of extended into college as a FWB situation. Between that and me, she had no serious relationships, just dating and casual hook-ups.

I did find just recently that she was the OW to a guy in high school after she broke up with her long time boyfriend. She knew this guy had a girlfriend, and still pursued him and had sex with him. She says her group of friends didn't like the guy's GF, and so she had a lot of enablers making her feel like it was OK. Also, it was high school, so I don't think of it as huge deal but it is character-defining to some extent.

She swears she had no FB contact with POSOM and I have been able to download her FB activity and I see nothing suspicious.

I am going to venture a guess that you are more in the first group. And that is what makes her betrayal so tough. It is not just what they did. It is that the image you had of her is shattering. It is the self doubt that comes from thinking, "why didn't I see this before?" It is the realization that your wife might be in the second group. Or at least was at the time.

You really are spot on with this, thank you for sharing it. I am DEFINITELY part of "Group 1", and she DEFINITELY WAS part of "Group 2". I think she has changed, but I have concerns and worries that if a new situation presented a temptation or challenge, that she may fail. I do want to address this, both in her IC and in mine.

hi

In the nicest possible way....you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.

The kind of woman that finds the first one appealing, will find the second one unfulfilling and lacking the rush of casual sex.

Trying to do so is asking to be cheated on.

If you have had 12 years of happy marriage and what has been discovered happened before you were ever married, then I whole heartily agree with reconciliation. Yes, you were together and committed to a relationship when she did what she did. I'm one of those people that believes the true commitment comes with the vows. If you had known what she did you would have probably dropped her flat. She knew this and she didn't want to lose you. Question; Have you been happy the last 12 years? If you have then you would have missed out on that happiness if you had known and dropped her. There are people that believe that someone who has cheated can't change and truly regret what they did. I don't buy that. I have seen too many people's life changed after something dramatic happened in their life. If, during your marriage, she has done nothing that would cause you to doubt her or anything to break her vows, then don't cheat yourself out of future happiness. I'll take the sinner who is sorry and remorseful over the saint that has never been tested. I do wish you well.

(These people my wife were parting with were the types who work retail as a career. My wife worked there for six months, then got a better job, then a masters degree, etc. We are not anything like these people. Being FB friends with them is so incredibly inexcusable in my eyes because we are from different worlds and she would NEVER hang out with them again or want/need to see ).

What an incredible thing to say about people who work in the service industry.

I was really feeling for you,but my goodness.

(And no I am not a retail worker )

That was probably the worst possible way to say what I was trying to say, and I regret how crass it came off. My point is we don't run in similar social circles, share no mutual friends, and quickly were living different lives. I have nothing against retail workers, despite how my words came across. It's hard not to feel animosity towards this group because of the environment they cultivated and what transpired.

In the nicest possible way....you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife

In the nicest possible way, you sound like an asshole. She's been a housewife a lot longer than she was ever a hoe. She's asked me if I think what she did defines her as a person, I guess I know your answer. Mine was "yes to an extent, I believe who we are is a sum of our experiences, thoughts and actions." It will always be a part of how she became who she is, but she is now a loving, caring woman who has been good to me and faithful for our whole marriage. I would like for it to be more, for this to have never happened, but it's absurd to imply that it's the only thing that defines her.

Question; Have you been happy the last 12 years? If you have then you would have missed out on that happiness if you had known and dropped her. There are people that believe that someone who has cheated can't change and truly regret what they did. I don't buy that. I have seen too many people's life changed after something dramatic happened in their life. If, during your marriage, she has done nothing that would cause you to doubt her or anything to break her vows, then don't cheat yourself out of future happiness. I'll take the sinner who is sorry and remorseful over the saint that has never been tested. I do wish you well.

Yes, our relationship and marriage has its ups and downs but overall I've been very happy. Sometimes it feels like we communicate telepathically, and I love that. Other times we don't communicate effectively at all, and then fight, but it's small stuff and usually over my sensitivity. I am hoping that her unloading the guilt of her A and is finally being in MC will alleviate a lot of the bad communication habits. I love her, I care for her, I enjoy her company and I really feel that she admires and cherishes me. I don't want to lose any of that over something she did 12 years ago that was horrible, but for which she is incredibly remorseful and not at all part of who she is anymore.

This week has been the first that I could hear details of her A and not get angry or in an extended bad mood. I hope this means I am gaining acceptance. I want to be moving down the path to R, one slow, cautious step at a time.

My WW cheated on me while we were supposedly committed. Three were after engagement. One 7 weeks before our wedding. Twenty-five years after our wedding she started a 4 year LTA. I do not believe there was anything between wedding and LTA.

To the question of being happy the last 12 years as being the basis for staying together, could you have been equally or even happier with someone else? What if the next 12 years are hell warmed over? I think an evaluation of what the future holds bears doing. Has your WW done the work, dealt with any issues that would make her a safe partner? Has she satisfied you that your only rational decision would be to remain with her?

Marriage is hard work. R is hard work. It sounds to me from your last post you are leaning towards R. If that's your decision, logically made with the information you now know and a clear vision, that's okay. If you want to wait and see, actions over words, that's okay. You're not that long out from DDay. I just suggest you don't make a final decision too soon.

You know, while you sound like you are doing OK, it also sounds a little bit like rug sweeping to me.

I don't know if you have had her take a polygraph. Some say it won't matter, but I disagree.

But think about some things.

1) she lied for 12 years.

2) How many new relationships have you been in where you only had sex 3 or 4 times in 3 months. For me it would be 3 or 4 times in the first day. Absolutely 3 or 4 times in the first week. This one sounds like a lie, minimizing to me.

3) If she did it once, what makes you think she has not done it again in your 12 years together?

4) What makes you think she won't do it in the future?

I am just asking you to REALLY think about this. How are you really sure she has not had other affairs? How do you know she is safe?

Because she says so... Well we know how that worked for you the first(?) time...

[This message edited by BluesPower at 6:51 AM, December 20th (Thursday)]

That "hoe [the correct spelling is 'ho', btw] into a housewife" comment is uncalled-for. Doesn't even apply to the facts here, but as an abstract matter a young woman engaging in consensual casual sex is not a "ho". In my opinion this is a healthy part of young adulthood for both sexes. The dysfunctional part was doing it in the context of being in a committed relationship, and lying about it.

@steady I am in total agreement. We are not "reconciled" and I am in no rush to rug sweep this. Been there done that. I still feel happy to be moving in the right direction. And yes I want R and don't feel the need to hide that or pretend not to. I can want it and still be realistic that it will take time and I may not be able to successfully do it. I am still learning what I can accept, live with, forgive, etc.

@blues yes she has taken and passed a polygraph. I am very confident she has not cheated on me again. Her voluntary confession and taking the poly (plus my own instincts) give me comfort and confidence about this.

@bftg Thanks. My wife may have acted like a ho back then and I've called her worse since dday, but I don't appreciate anyone else calling her names. And if young people who act like "ho's" (male or female) can't become housewives/husbands, the world would be full of single people. I dont think that stupid comment deserves any more addressing.