SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CBM123- Now that things are "more stable," what do you plan on doing next ?

The things about healing from this (wether your M survives or not) is that, no it was not your choice to be in this spot, but it is your choice on you deal with it.

How do you, as an individual, move forward from here ?

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 9:57 AM, December 20th (Thursday)]

Time helps immensely CBM. Glad to hear that it's helping you to heal.

CBM, I think you'll find in the long run that, as painful as the details are to hear and know, the increased authenticity and intimacy in your marriage that comes from this kind of soul exposure by your WW will outweigh the pain. Every marriage involves multiple gambles. One of the gambles relates to the reality that everybody changes over time. When you marry a person, you are gambling in part that, as he or she changes, he/she will continue to be a person you wish to be married to. In your case, you WW's changes have made her a better partner than she was when you married. This disclosure by her, putting her neck on the chopping block and putting herself at your mercy, is part of that process. You won that bet.

If I were you I will divorce her and continue to date her like a girlfriend. So,she would have to give you everything in the divorce if she wants to stay with you,and then if she ever cheats again,you can just dump her and have clean slate,and you will not lose anything in the process. Asc her this and then you will realy see if she is prepared to do everything for you. Right now,it is all just cheap talk from her.

Cheating changes things, no doubt.

I think a person must come to a place where they accept that, but still feel the relationship is worth it, if they intend to reconcile.

That can take some work on both persons part, just to get to that point.

If only one person will put the work in to re-define the relationship, then it will become a miserable limbo.

Ups and downs are normal, but it is the working through those that requires the investment, and add real value to the relationship.

It is really something, and not something to be tossed aside lightly.

I hope she will be able to put her shame, fear, and guilt aside and be able to invest in working through this as well.

She needs good IC that can help her focus on a responsible approach to addressing her inputs into the process.

I wish you both well.

[This message edited by Decorum at 3:22 PM, December 21st (Friday)]

CBM -

I think the hardest part for you will be coming to terms with the fact that had you known the truth way back when, that you probably would have broken up with her. I'm not sure if you've mentioned that here or not.

Knowing that life as you know it would have been totally different had you not been lied to....that's a total mind fuck.

I think IC is your best shot at dealing with that.

I'm writing from South Florida, where my WW and I are visiting my family for the holidays with our two kids. As usual, "vacation" with them at their ages (3.5 and 2) is exhausting and an exercise in sleep-deprivation. We have little time to focus on much more than survival and spending time with family, but there is at least a little to report back on, and as usual it's some good, some bad.

It's largely been a nice trip without any major negative mood swings for me (more on that later). We discussed a plan for dealing with relatives about any A questions before we left. My mom knows and is a huge gossip, so we expected the rest of the family to know, plus I'm not wearing a ring right now which usually begs the question of “what happened”. Either my family was oblivious or respectful, because we really got no questions and didn't have to have any awkward conversations, so that was nice.

My WW and I exercised together a few times and managed to make love a couple times too. The intimacy is still not a problem, and it no longer feels like HB either. I think my prior knowledge of the A (even though it was minimized by my wife and rug-swept by me) has at least given me some ability to recover from the full disclosure quicker than I would have thought. That and my wife's significant remorse, "doing the work" and passing a poly have really helped me feel safe with her now. I still look at her at least a couple times a day and think to myself, "she is so beautiful. I love this woman."

There were a couple triggering events that affected me to different degrees. The first was on Christmas day. My son was voraciously eating a black-and-white cookie, to which my aunt blurted out “he’s having a black and white orgasm!” Well, my wife’s AP was black and this stupid exclamation really triggered me and started the mind movies going. This is right in the middle of Christmas afternoon, so the timing was horrible and I retreated to the guest bedroom to try to compose myself. After a bit, my wife came in and asked me if I was OK and could she help. I told her about the trigger and she really did a great job of telling me how sorry she was that I was experiencing this and that she wished so badly she could take it all away. We talked a bit more about her A and I asked again if she was hiding anything, and she responded directly that she was not. At this point, I do believe her that all her cards are on the table. The only other option is that she is a complete sociopath, and I don’t think she is at all. I told her how much I hated that this was my life now, that I would be forever triggered by other people’s “harmless” jokes, and she told me how much she hates that she created this pain for me. After laying in bed for an hour or so, I felt mentally ready to re-engage with the family and I thanked her for doing everything “right” in that moment and helping me recover. It was a positive resolution to a negative moment.

The second trigger happened while we were visiting with an old friend of mine who recently divorced his wife after she told him she no longer loved him and wanted to start over. I told him I thought it was odd that they were still friends on Facebook, and he replied “it’s not like I hate her or anything, I mean she didn’t cheat on me”. Ouch. While driving back home, my WW and I talked about it and how it made us both feel. I told her that I didn’t have as bad a reaction as I would have thought, but of course it hurt and it made me think about the A. I told her it bothered me how much cheating is a deal-breaker for so many people, yet when she or I have told people about her A, because it was so long ago, they tend to react like it should be easy to forgive and no big deal.

I hate feeling that her having lied about the A for 12 years worked exactly as intended, like a perfectly executed plan. I know it was not quite that devious, but sometimes it feels that way. I also get frustrated (this may not be the right word) because I feel like I am detached from the person I was back then and so her A doesn’t bother me as much as it “should”. I feel like for people who just found it, their reaction must be incredibly visceral for a very long period of time. My reaction was visceral, but only for a very short period of time. Now, only 2.5 months out, it feels to me like it happened to someone else, or a different version of me. I barely remember that period of my life and I have no “first person” memories of her sneaking around or betraying me. I barely even remember the first d-day, I only remember discovering the text and how my body felt, but I don’t remember conversations between us or much of anything at all.

I say “I hate it”, but then I think it’s actually a huge blessing. Instead of being fixated on how I felt 12 years ago, I am able to focus on how I feel about her today and it makes it that much easier to feel love for her now and accept what she did then. What I hate is that I feel like I SHOULD be more personally devastated, more intimately hurt, than I am. Instead, I just feel incredibly disappointed that she did it and I feel crummy for wanting to stay with someone who did that to me. But over the past couple of weeks, those feelings are mostly outweighed by the love I feel for my wife of today. I don’t want to rug-sweep again, and I don’t think that’s what I’m doing, it’s more like I am actually unable to continue feeling the massive hurt and betrayal because it somehow feels like it didn’t happen to me, or at least not to who I am today.

Anyway, my wife said that her reaction to his comment was to feel like a fraud. She said she had an urge to blurt out that she is a cheater, to see surprise and disgust in his eyes. She said she feels like crap when people mention anything affair-related and that she assumes I must feel like crap too, and so then she feels even worse for being the reason I feel like crap. It helped to hear how she is affected by it.

The final trigger of the week was at a deli counter, where I caught some douchebag giving my wife a thorough up-and-down visual inspection. I glared at him and he caught my glare when he finished checking out my wife, then quickly looked away and pretended not to have done what I just obviously caught him doing. The urge to confront him was almost overwhelming, which is not how I am used to feeling. I have frequently caught guys looking at my wife, but in the past it had never really bothered me and actually made me feel “proud”, in a weird way. Now, it enrages me and I had to actually fight back the urge to walk up to him and loudly tell him to fuck off.

I told my wife what happened and she was completely oblivious to it, and even apologized to me. I told her she has nothing to apologize for, but that this is what makes me nervous and feel threatened all the time - that for every one time she catches a guy checking her out, there are probably 20 times she doesn’t see it. That she is bombarded by male attention constantly and that it makes me feel insecure and jealous. She reassured me that she does not want any of this attention and that she only has eyes for me. Still, I hate feeling like my wife has to “be strong” 20 times a day in fending off male attention and advances, and I wish the world would just leave her alone. Childish, but that’s how I feel.

GoldenR - Your thoughts are definitely true for me. I no longer get very angry when I think about her A, but I get depressed that if I stay, our relationship has a “ceiling” so to speak. I hate that no matter how great my wife is now and could be in the future, the A will always be in her past. The triggers, like the ones I mentioned above, will always be a part of my life because of what she did way back when. I also hate that when our youngest kid (who is very challenging behaviorally) is throwing one of his many epic tantrums, my mind goes to a place where I think “I was not meant to parent this child and he shouldn’t even exist.” It makes me want to withdraw and it makes me angry at my son and my wife, rather than want to show compassion and help. I absolutely hate having those feelings. I know I am his dad and I owe it to him to be better. I am trying.

It has been my observation that the biggest factor that distinguishes "found out years later" threads from those where the discovery occurs during the A or about the time it ends is the following: what has the marriage been like between the end of the A and the finding out.

There is a thread by another poster who found out years later, but in the five or so years leading up to the discovery, his wife had been a mediocre partner at best. The poster described her as being distant, bitchy/demanding, and not very giving sexually. In other words, a marriage that was staying together in part by sheer force of will of the (unwitting) BH, who was mindful of the "for better or worse" part and determined to stay even during the worse.

Then he learned of the A. In that case it was a PA that lasted several months (maybe longer) and lots of very enthusiastic and aggressive sex. Sex in the AP's office. Hotels. Sex in the marital bed. The WW invested way more sexual energy into the A than she did her BH. So in addition to her being a not-so-great wife for years, one he tolerated but didn't find joy from, her sexual actions suggested her BH was her Plan B. The poster there was feeling a burning regret at having sacrificed all of those unwitting years to a mediocre marriage that was trending worse, not better.

Your case sounds like the opposite. Marriage has been good for the 12 years, with a trend of getting better. Sex has been good. That makes a difference to your healing. It also makes a difference that her A was pretty short-lived and pretty highly compartmentalized to a discreet set of conditions that were affecting her at the time in dysfunctional ways. I personally feel, as a BH, that there is a continuum of "less wayward/more wayward" behavior in an A. It's not fixed. In fact, it's personal and subjective, depending on the triggers. However, in general, things like a short-term A where the WW ended it on her own because she wasn't digging it, where she voluntarily confessed, where she wasn't "full porn star" with the AP while being the shy nun at home, all of these factors can add up to quicker healing by the BH.

By the way, your triggers are normal. Her response sounds perfect. Over time, they will diminish.

I would add something about parenthood. I'm at the other end, a newly minted empty nester. I can vividly recall those years of kids ages 2-10, including behavioral challenges. It's a whirlwind of activity. It can involve moments of joy, moments of exhaustion, and moments of being at the end of one's rope. I think every parent reaches the point of wishing he/she was not a parent of a specific child, probably more than once. That's why the two parents need to tag-team. Your WW will probably be in that same emotional place from time to time and she will look to you to take up the slack at those moments.

It doesn't really diminish as they get older. My kids each became deeply involved in his/her own extracurricular passion and pursued it to a high degree of excellence. It was a joy and a wonder to watch him/her perform these amazing acts of skill and strength and perseverance at levels most people could only dream of. The corollary was that we became their support staff/corner men/gear schleppers. Darting all over the nation to events. It was still exhausting. As parents, you sacrifice a bit of yourself, including your physical health to some degree. A strong marriage is critical to getting through that.

As to this:

Still, I hate feeling like my wife has to “be strong” 20 times a day in fending off male attention and advances, and I wish the world would just leave her alone.

Unfortunately, that's the way of the world, man. I remember talking to a GF once, pillow talk. She asked: "What would you do if you woke up and found you were a woman?" "I'd probably masturbate, and play with my boobs, just to see what it felt like. Then I'd try to have sex, to see what that feels like." "That last part would be easy," she said. "All you'd have to do is go outside. In 5 minutes some dude would proposition or catcall you."

That really brought it home for me. Women of at least ordinary attraction are beleaguered by sexual advances, all the time, every day. It is so pervasive it becomes background noise to them, and fending off the advances is a normal part of life.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:19 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

CantBeMe123 I’m extremely impressed by your thoughtful and honest assessment of the situation you find yourself in.

Half the battle is over. Some people continue to delude themselves and never get to where you are now.

With your eyes open you’re playing with a full deck. You’re obviously a smart guy and I think you have the tools to work through this. No matter what you wind up doing it will be well thought out.

I wish you the best.

I know this sounds like a non-compliment, but you are doing the best with what you have.

The communication is going to be key to processing this stuff. Being communicative and leaning on one another. That's what R takes. I know it seems right now that everything is about the A. That does change, but it takes time, and a fair amount of communication with your W. As the processing goes on your W attitude will change and she will likely fall to pieces at times. She will need you to do the same. It is much easier if you remember the times she supported you. I had to force myself at first but it got easier. It isn't a betrayal to yourself to show grace, mercy and comfort to someone hurting. It is just who you've always been. Be proud of yourself when you can do that. It is only the best of us that can do that.

FWIW the anger burns itself out. It comes back, but being angry all of time does fade away.

In both of our situations we had a period of time where we were lied to. In a sense you feel robbed of your past. I get that all too well. It helps to focus on the present and the future.

While it might seem selfish when your W talks about her pain. She definitely has it. It will work wonders to the injustice and unfairness you feel today if you let her talk about it. It helps to see that she suffers consequences too.

As far as triggers. . . yeah they do suck and can catch you off guard. You are doing the right thing. Remove yourself from whatever triggered it and sit with it for awhile. Don't push it away. It makes them worse and more frequent. Some BS have found meditation like exercises are helpful, but that never really worked for me.

It takes practice, but try to get at the root of why it bothers you. Excellent example at the deli. Talk through it with your W. Fear is the mind killer.

As you have these and your W helps you through them, little by little, they cease be something to fear. It also allows her to remedy the damage done. It is a means of atonement. It helps her feel like there is something she can do to make it better for you. It encourages her to work even harder to be the wife that you deserve. Think on that. I never though my W could be even better, but today she is. It really amazes me sometimes. I had no idea this version of M could even exist, but it does.

As far the ceiling . . .I don't have one in my M. It seemed like it was there for awhile, but I've moved past it. That ceiling was mostly about fear for me. It was holding myself back to ensure I never got hurt again. I learned to see grace as a means to feel good about myself not as an invitation for my W to hurt me again. That is the difference. I learned that my W choices were outside of my control. Letting that part go was hard. I gave a second chance, but there will not be a third. She knows it. I know it. However it is not relevant. Compliance breeds resentment. Her wanting to do something like be the best W ever gets me more of what I want than threats or ultimatums ever could.

These things take time. You are definitely headed in the right direction. Talk to your W. She has plenty of work to do on herself and your healing paths will diverge as you both find the meaning in all of this. Right now, you are doing the best with what you have. That is all any of us can hope for.

CBM,

Do you think that wit the OM being black was a contributing reason your WW kept it secret for so long?

Although OM1 was not black there was another guy at the same workplace who was and I suspect was a ONS with my WW, and I've often wondered if that was why she stonewalls about OM1.

My mom kept her lies inside and it ruined the family, esp. my poor brother who had to carry the burden of wondering who his biological father was. All her lies trickled down into the destruction of the family; drugs, alcoholism, dysfunction, more lies.

She could have easily taken a blood test to prove the truth that my brother was my father's child and not the product of an affair she had with her brother-in- law. But she chose to lie and deny and allow us kids to be eaten up and destroyed by the deception. If my mom would have come forward, take the blood test and show the proof in either direction, we all could have moved toward healing.

You are in a good place because now the truth is setting you free. You can now choose to heal. No more questioning over what happened between your fiancee and the OM at that time period in your life.

I believe your wife did the honorable thing by telling you what really happened. I wish my mom did.

I thought I was reading my story when I read this first post. Sorry you're here my friend. There is definitely something cruel about finding out years after the affair actually happened, especially when you had no kids and weren't married at the time.

One of the things I said to my WS after finding out was that she robbed me off the option to choose for myself whether to get married or not. I definitely wouldn't have, and eventually had a few kids too before my DDay. My new marriage started then, our wedding photos mean nothing to me anymore. Still have work to do after nearly 2.5 years but a lot of ups and downs for at least 1.5 years. Good luck on your journey and feel free to reach out since I basically had the same story as you.

[This message edited by jd123 at 7:29 AM, December 29th (Saturday)]

One of the things I said to my WS after finding out was that she robbed me off the option to choose for myself whether to get married or not.

jd123

CantBeMe123 you’re a family man of good character. That’s why your wife chose you to be her life partner. Because of that you’re never going to divorce her. Your wife knew that when she confessed.

It’s like she threw herself on the mercy of the court after the statute of limitations ran out. Now the judge can’t put her in jail even if they wanted to. She’s fully confessing all that she did. Her regret is sincere and she’s willing to do any community service.

But she knows that she will never go to jail.

The problem, the injustice, is that your good qualities are being used against you. You don’t have it in you to dump someone that’s treating you great now and has for years.

The obvious answer is to let it go and have a great life. But then her act of betrayal (not telling you before marriage and kids) was the smart thing for her to do and it worked. How do you not resent that?

I can come up with only one positive thing. Your wife may have been nicer to you than she otherwise would have been all these years to compensate for deceiving you. If this continues for the remainder of your marriage you may come out ahead at the end of the day.

[This message edited by Michigan at 5:41 PM, December 29th (Saturday)]

This is the first time posted on your thread.

By way of introduction, my wife had an EA about 21yrs ago. I slipped into depression for about 19yrs. Started reading SI and TAM, realized what had transpired, came out angry etc. We have been working on R since.

Firstly, she moved back to our native country in Jan. I was suppose to follow soon after but did not do so until Sept. This period apart allowed us both time to reassess our commitment to each other. She especially has recommitted. If there was any that really needed time apart, it was me. Like others have said, being on your own is quite liberating. However it came to the point where I had to 'sh_t on the pot or get off.'

Since being together, we 'both' are active in pursuing the relationship. It has been the most honest, caring, and open our relationship has ever been.

Which leads to the second point. Successful R takes 'TWO'. However, it can take time, and some times space, to get to that point.

Lastly, in regards to 'Biggers' remark about a 'ceiling'(and I have the utmost respect to what Bigger always advises)..when both of you work at the relationship with renewed vigor and attention, the relationship will far exceed the previous, and determining how much effort, how greater it will be. And fortunate for you, she is willing to put her all in.

A 'ceiling' becomes a matter of opinion.

Hoping this is helpful.

I still look at her at least a couple times a day and think to myself, "she is so beautiful. I love this woman."

You've referred to your WW's attractiveness multiple times and seem to be one of those guys who consider themselves lucky that they've landed such a beautiful wife or girlfriend. That's perfectly fine....as long as you don't feel that she is "out of your league" and that if you leave her, for whatever reason, you'll never find someone as beautiful or sexy or smart like her. If you feel this way, it shows a lack of self-confidence. It's also a signal to your spouse that you're so enamored by her beauty that she can take you for granted.

Maybe you've put your wife on a high pedestal and worshipped her for years as the most beautiful woman that ever walked on the face of the planet and now realized she's just an ordinary flawed human being. Maybe that's what's really bothering you rather than the brief long-ago affair...

.

You've referred to your WW's attractiveness multiple times and seem to be one of those guys who consider themselves lucky that they've landed such a beautiful wife or girlfriend. That's perfectly fine....as long as you don't feel that she is "out of your league" and that if you leave her, for whatever reason, you'll never find someone as beautiful or sexy or smart like her. If you feel this way, it shows a lack of self-confidence. It's also a signal to your spouse that you're so enamored by her beauty that she can take you for granted.

Maybe you've put your wife on a high pedestal and worshipped her for years as the most beautiful woman that ever walked on the face of the planet and now realized she's just an ordinary flawed human being. Maybe that's what's really bothering you rather than the brief long-ago affair.

This is called Oneitis.

She is "the one"...the one and only super special one of a kind woman that would love a loser like me.

It's a refrain from men who put women on a pedestal and it is wrong. We all have worth and we are worthy of being in a relationship with someone who values us enough to not cheat.

Men will often tolerate being treated badly by a woman that they see as superior to themselves in terms of looks and whatnot...IE oneitis.

All people are replaceable. None of us is that special. The Divorce section proves it.

Oneitis is a death sentence that kills you slower. It gives your agency, your self ownership, and your control of your own life, over to a partner who will use it to cheat on you, blame you for the cheating, and tell you that you were never worthy of their beauty in the first place.

The saddest thing about this entire saga is that the WW cheated, then believed she could lie her way out of it...that if she just kept the lie in place for a few years, she would ultimately get away with it...and she did. She got to have sex with the OM, have the affair, and she will get to keep her dutiful husband who loves her after she successfully lied to him long enough to trap him with a marriage/family.

In the end, her lies worked. She gets to have her cake and eat it too. The lies worked out for her, just had to add a few tears and BJs. That's kinda sad.

[This message edited by Unbroken78 at 10:32 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

In the end, her lies worked. She gets to have her cake and eat it too. The lies worked out for her, just had to add a few tears and BJs. That's kinda sad.

Actually if you think about it, it's pure genius on part of OP's WW...she has come up with a foolproof recipe for those single 20-something ladies in a committed relationship who want to scratch that itch. Here's how it goes:

Step 1: Scratch that itch with AP vigorously, but do not utter a word to the unsuspecting young soon-to-be-BS.

Step 2: Once itch is scratched, play the comely young bride and get hitched to the young man. What a lovely young couple you two make! What a dream wedding!

Step 3: Set a timer to go off in 10 years, pop out a few cute kids, play the perfect wife. And yes, it helps if you're a hottie to begin with!

Step 4: Once the 10 year timer goes off and the relationship thermometer reads "Marriage is strong enough to withstand shock", with a couple of cute kids running around, serve a lovely shit sandwich to the unsuspecting BS in the form of a "confession". As the side-dish, remind him that if she had divulged the truth all those years ago, those cute little ones would never have existed and this happy family would never have happened. And of course, does she need to remind him that she gets hit on by just about everyone, so maybe BS should actually thank HER for sticking by him and suck it up. After all, where will he find someone like her? He'd be a fool to break up the family and leave, when she can have a new guy tomorrow if she wants to. She's a hottie, remember?

Step 5: Convince the BS that her confession actually helps improve their marriage. Hasn't he read the Reconciliation section and those wonderful stories where affairs have brought the couple closer as never before, with perfect understanding of each other's "love languages", all FOO issues resolved and everyone happily riding into the sunset?

So why the fuss about a long-ago affair when it actually helped the marriage?

Pure genius!

As far the ceiling . . .I don't have one in my M. It seemed like it was there for awhile, but I've moved past it. That ceiling was mostly about fear for me. It was holding myself back to ensure I never got hurt again. I learned to see grace as a means to feel good about myself not as an invitation for my W to hurt me again. That is the difference. I learned that my W choices were outside of my control. Letting that part go was hard. I gave a second chance, but there will not be a third. She knows it. I know it. However it is not relevant. Compliance breeds resentment. Her wanting to do something like be the best W ever gets me more of what I want than threats or ultimatums ever could.

Thanks for sharing this n&d. I struggle with accepting the A as part of our "permanent record", but I appreciate your reassurance and thoughts on the "ceiling" of your M.

Do you think that wit the OM being black was a contributing reason your WW kept it secret for so long?

No, not at all

Hurtmyheart - your story is heartbreaking, I'm sorry to hear it. My wife definitely did the right thing in confessing the whole truth to me, and I constantly try to remind myself of that.

The obvious answer is to let it go and have a great life. But then her act of betrayal (not telling you before marriage and kids) was the smart thing for her to do and it worked. How do you not resent that?

I am a vindictive person by nature, and I do struggle with this and resent what she did. However, when I step back, I realize how counterproductive and stupid it would be to leave her just to "make a point" or satisfy my vindictive nature. If her grand plan was "I am going to lie to him because I love him and I want to build a great life with him", and that's exactly what she does, then why should I throw it away? I resent what she did, and that she lied to me, but everything else is basically me (and her) getting what we wanted. Do I "deserve a great life" more than she does? Maybe, probably, but so what? Should I resent it on face value simply because her big lie helped make this reality exist? Or should I enjoy the reality that I live in, with a great wife, beautiful kids, successful career, etc? I will choose the later, UNLESS I feel my wife is unsafe or still lying, but I don't feel that way.

paboy - That was very helpful, thank you.

Maybe you've put your wife on a high pedestal and worshipped her for years as the most beautiful woman that ever walked on the face of the planet and now realized she's just an ordinary flawed human being. Maybe that's what's really bothering you rather than the brief long-ago affair...

I can't deny that this may be true. She was on a pedestal for me, no doubt, and I have suffered from insecurity and jealous. However, I don't feel like I am still so hung up on these things that I couldn't/wouldn't leave her if I felt like it was the right move. I do not think I am that co-dependent or insecure any more.

The saddest thing about this entire saga is that the WW cheated, then believed she could lie her way out of it...that if she just kept the lie in place for a few years, she would ultimately get away with it...and she did. She got to have sex with the OM, have the affair, and she will get to keep her dutiful husband who loves her after she successfully lied to him long enough to trap him with a marriage/family.

In the end, her lies worked. She gets to have her cake and eat it too. The lies worked out for her, just had to add a few tears and BJs. That's kinda sad.

Quite the wordsmith there, Unbroken78. You should write a play about evil cheaters called "tears and BJs", it would be a huge hit, I'm sure. I don't think my wife is evil, and while she did lie to get what she wanted, she also changed and improved as a person, has been faithful our whole marriage (this was all pre-M), is incredibly remorseful about what she did, and has shown me love and created a great life with me.

I don't think she's the evil antagonist you're looking for (and I think you see in every WS).

Actually if you think about it, it's pure genius on part of OP's WW...she has come up with a foolproof recipe for those single 20-something ladies in a committed relationship who want to scratch that itch. Here's how it goes:

Step 1: Scratch that itch with AP vigorously, but do not utter a word to the unsuspecting young soon-to-be-BS.

Step 2: Once itch is scratched, play the comely young bride and get hitched to the young man. What a lovely young couple you two make! What a dream wedding!

Step 3: Set a timer to go off in 10 years, pop out a few cute kids, play the perfect wife. And yes, it helps if you're a hottie to begin with!

Step 4: Once the 10 year timer goes off and the relationship thermometer reads "Marriage is strong enough to withstand shock", with a couple of cute kids running around, serve a lovely shit sandwich to the unsuspecting BS in the form of a "confession". As the side-dish, remind him that if she had divulged the truth all those years ago, those cute little ones would never have existed and this happy family would never have happened. And of course, does she need to remind him that she gets hit on by just about everyone, so maybe BS should actually thank HER for sticking by him and suck it up. After all, where will he find someone like her? He'd be a fool to break up the family and leave, when she can have a new guy tomorrow if she wants to. She's a hottie, remember?

Step 5: Convince the BS that her confession actually helps improve their marriage. Hasn't he read the Reconciliation section and those wonderful stories where affairs have brought the couple closer as never before, with perfect understanding of each other's "love languages", all FOO issues resolved and everyone happily riding into the sunset?

So why the fuss about a long-ago affair when it actually helped the marriage?

Pure genius!

redbaron007 - So the "easy way" to have carefree sex in your 20s is to get in a relationship, have an affair, lie to stay with your boyfriend (unmarried, no kids) that you could leave in a heartbeat if you wanted to, live with the guilt and shame for 10 years, build a life and family with a man you ostensibly don't love, and then confess what you did just to get to watch your dope of a phony husband eat shit.

Yes, pure genius indeed! Who wouldn't want to follow this perfect recipe?

In your version of events, is my wife also cackling maniacally while she draws up these plans? Does she celebrate secretly with herself each year as the nefarious plan unfolds? After her confession, in between our constant heartbreaking talks and her ongoing distress, displays of remorse, emails of reassurance, timeline writing, polygraph taking, posting here, etc, etc, etc... is she doing all this with a big grin on her face about how enjoyable the chaos and pain is that she has caused?

Seriously, you have a fucked up cynical mind if you think your "version of events" is anywhere close to reality. The simplest explanation is usually the best, which is not that my wife is some kind of evil scheming bitch who spends her whole life and all of her energy pretending to be good to me and loving me while secretly executing her dark plan. No, she just fucked up, did a horrible thing because she was an immature, selfish 23-year-old, lied because she didn't want to lose me (still selfish), grew as a person over time, became a safe and loving wife, hated living with the guilt and shame of what she did, and confessed because I asked about the affair and she was tired of lying to the man she loved.

I am sure some WS on here are truly evil, narcissistic people who hurt the ones they love without remorse. That is not my wife.

Might I still leave her? Yes. Living with knowledge that the person you love had an affair is incredibly difficult, maybe too difficult for me. But she is NOTHING AT ALL like the caricature in your fantasy above.

CantBeMe123

There are posters here that feel that any cheater should be served with divorce papers, no matter the circumstances. Your best response to them is crickets.