SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

NeverWillAgain & Want2BHappyAgain

I will simply say, Thank you!

Hellfire

Clearly I trigger your defensiveness,and that's not helping anyone. So I bow out. You win.

Simply put, this isn't a game to me and there are no winners. You have posted on my threads in the past and when they stay on topic, I found them to be helpful. I'm sorry you feel thats no longer possible but I do wish you well.

Antlered

If we get comfortable with deception here... if we blithely accept that the betrayed don't need to know their life is a lie, and what they don't know won't hurt them... Is that a service to our members? To FF?

Is that the direction we want this site to go?

The thing is, I'm not asking people to go against their beliefs. If someone believes that confessing is the right this to do, that is their right. Just as if someone chooses to stay silent, that is their choice as well. Each decision has consequences, both good or bad.

That being said, all I have ever asked is for people to stay ON MESSAGE in my posts. As NWA accurately pointed out, I could post about anything and it almost always turns out the same way. I do not see other members having to deal with that so why can't I be afforded the same courtesy as everyone else?

The funny thing is, I have never been an advocate of staying silent or confessing. I believe each situation is unique and has to be handled accordingly. But again, thats my belief.

Carissima

It's harassment and I've seen the MODs get involved in other threads for a lot less. In fact I used to wonder why they didn't shut it down.

TBH, I cannot recall another instance when one has stepped in but it may have happened. I can only speculate as to why, but that's not germane to this discussion.

STAFF ACTIONS: If you have a question regarding a staff action bring it to our attention by using the Private Message feature. Do not question staff actions on the public forums.

Gosh, I haven't posted a while but...

FF, I think what you felt and how you spoke up is part of your understanding of exactly what the pain and consequences of infidelity can be.

A journey of a thousand steps, and I know you are a better man today than you were when you first posted.

There is no one road, there is no one answer, there is one, very specific site that many members will try to help you move forward, become a safe partner, learn your whys, go forth and harm no more, learn to treasure what you have and understand that real life is not in a pretty, bowed package.

So, you have shown a new appreciation for the devastation that you have brought. Yes, because even if your wife doesn’t know at this point, the realization of the things you have done have devastated you to the point of impacting your past and future.

FF, please keep reading and learning and changing. Tomorrow is unknown for any of us. You may confess, or may not, but I will still stand by you as you seek to become a better man.

Because, at the end of the day, you have to be well enough to wake up tomorrow. So wake up tomorrow, read and learn and mostly FEEL. I think that’s a large part of what you missed while in your affair, and perhaps, are starting to understand now.

For a wayward, it's about identifying the issues that contributed to a bad decision, solving those issues, and becoming a safe partner for either their current partner or the next one.

Exactly. I wasn't just beating the "confessional drum". I was pointing out the faulty thinking. As in "my" decision. When that to me is clearly wayward mentality. "My". In a marriage, for it to become healthy it isn't "my" it is "we". I was simply challenging the growth to get out of "my" and make it about "we". The marriage isn't going to work till it becomes a team. Not him in service or her in service or each one out for themselves.

If we get comfortable with deception here... if we blithely accept that the betrayed don't need to know their life is a lie, and what they don't know won't hurt them... Is that a service to our members?

I agree with this. What service does it do to not challenge a wayward in their thinking? Reread my post and see it for what it is other than the "confessional drum" BS. I am challenging his very line of thinking in all things in general. I am challenging the "my" of decision making when it comes to partnership. You know, the type of thinking that makes us selfish and entitled. If you are a wayward and you agree that the "my choice and my decision" making is okay, then I have to question just how R you really are. There really is no place for "my" in a marriage. You are missing the point of stopping wayward behaviors and mindset.

So, do you best to get out of the "beat the confessional drum" and think of it from the decision making place.

ZugZwang

So, for those that know you are not entitled to or should have that right- I just can't keep silent either in that injustice.

Wifehad5

Please stop threadjacking ff's posts. If you find yourself triggered by his situation, please step away.

This isn't the only post where things meander off the original topic. During discussions there are plenty of times where wayward thinking is pointed out in many threads in response to OPs. It is brought up. Again, it wasn't about the "confessional" it was about a statement he said that pointed to wayward thinking.

it's about identifying the issues that contributed to a bad decision, solving those issues,

FF isn't the only one that has had an OP T/J when faulty thinking presents itself during the discussion of a post. It happens all the time as a post/situation/thought is picked apart. Is it that his posts and thoughts should never be challenged then?

This isn't the only post where things meander off the original topic.

This also isn't the first (or second, third, fourth) time it has drifted to what I will call "the drum beat of you must confess." It has become harassment and even other BS's have chimed in on that.

I intend to watch his threads and highlight to the mods when this occurs. I don't like bullying and that is what it has become. It's obvious it triggers you. You've even stated as much. So, maybe it would be wise to steer clear of FF's threads. He has questioned whether this site is worth coming to due to this becoming a frequent topic. The only thing that the drumbeating is doing is convincing him he can't get any support here and that is wrong.

NeverWillAgain, you have a pm.

Zug,

This isn't the only post where things meander off the original topic. During discussions there are plenty of times where wayward thinking is pointed out in many threads in response to OPs. It is brought up. Again, it wasn't about the "confessional" it was about a statement he said that pointed to wayward thinking.

The point I have made repeatedly on this thread is the above has nothing directly to do with what I OP. As for it being "my decision", it really boils down to that. Whether I choose to confess or not is really my decision. Everyone makes their own decisions in life, married or not. Certainly many decisions affect others and this may be the worst one of my life but again, it was not part of the original discussion.

FF isn't the only one that has had an OP T/J when faulty thinking presents itself during the discussion of a post. It happens all the time as a post/situation/thought is picked apart. Is it that his posts and thoughts should never be challenged then?

I could almost accept your statement about posts wandering away from their original subject. But it happens to almost every one of my threads. No matter what the subject is, they always turn out the same. But tell me, where in the OP was there faulty thinking? I was confronted with a situation I found objectionable and I spoke up. Some accuse me of being hypocritical for saying anything; suppose I had done nothing, what then? I would have been derided for passively accepting what was said.

He has questioned whether this site is worth coming to due to this becoming a frequent topic. The only thing that the drumbeating is doing is convincing him he can't get any support here and that is wrong.

In referencing what NWA wrote, I have expressed this opinion to him and in this thread. I have made it very clear for the past 2 years that I am not going to confess until when/if I am ready. Yet so many people persist in trying to convince me to do so; some passively an others not so much. I liken that to a religious person trying to convince an atheist that there is a God. The more he/she is "attacked" the deeper are the heels dug in.

Like any other WS that has come before, I am here to get help and insight. Yet I get my threads repeatedly hijacked. I have others start separate threads essentially questioning as to why I haven't been banned. I've been sworn at and had all other kinds of lovely things said to me. How is any of that being helpful?

I don't expect everyone to accept how I am handling this and that is fine. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me. I am always respectful in my responses (unless I am attacked) and all I ask is to have the same courtesies extended to me as other WS. If I start a thread, I don't think it's unfair or unreasonable to expect it to stay on message.

All you are asking is for no one to challenge your thinking. In a marriage it isn't "my" it is "we" and I hope one day you will reach that understanding. Until then, good luck with that type of wayward mentality because it most certainly got you here.

All you are asking is for no one to challenge your thinking.

Actually that's not it at all. Its regrettable that you cannot understand what I'm trying to say and choose to twist my words to suit your narrative.

Why do you think this happens to your threads?

Obviously many of us disagree with your decision and wish to modify your mindset. Why do you think that is?

To tie this into your original post, I would argue that your oppressors' reasoning and emotions are very similar to how you thought and felt listening to the cheating story.

Antlered

Of course I understand that most folks here don’t agree with my decision. I can respect that. But as I mentioned, it’s kind of like beating a dead horse right now. I do see and understand the reasoning behind the idea of confession. I just don’t happen to agree with it. Perhaps my views will change and I certainly cannot rule that out. That being said, continually coming at me with it and detailing my threads isn’t likely to change my mind either.

Hi ff!

I haven't posted lately but I will tell you how I think about your situation when posting.

I think our job as posters is to get someone from point A to point B in their recovering from infidelity, whether they be a WS or a BS.

the common thought here, and one I agree with, is to be completely honest because it's a tenement of good mental health.

it's a big hump for WS. they've likely had an entire lifetime of avoidance and little white lies or big ones.

so, i think there is a hurry up and rip off the bandaid type thing so we can get down to business of everyone healing. I feel like once a WS has confessed then we can get to the other stuff and advice and help you need to live a truly authentic life.

The no confession is like this gigantic road block being on a true path of integrity, the way I see it, and likely most here. In other words, most of us feel there is not much we can do for you if this roadblock remains firmly on the main street of your journey.

I definitely believe ff should tell but I think your message is getting lost in the method of your posting.

It should be encouraging not badgering and as I said before it is harassment. If this was going on in a BS thread there would be an uproar (I'm talking tone of posts).

There is a way to get your point across without verbally battering the OP. It seems like most don't even look at the topic of his posts, it's just straight to the badgering and vitriol.

I will be honest and say there are certainly things to lose if you confess.

You have yourself, you have here, you have the wider world. I am assuming you are not talking to anyone outside of an IC in the wider world about this, including your wife. No friends to talk to about this. So you come here.

In the wider world, you'd lose your "good guy" persona, the man who has not cheated. The man who can "tell off" these people in the break room and not be looked at as a hypocrite. It's true that all of that would be gone if the wider world knew the true you.

So whenever I read something by you, I keep in mind that whatever you say here does not track with the wider world you, who maintains the exterior of a faithful man who has not cheated. Others have mentioned that you likely could not pull off the break room conversation, such as it was, if those men knew who you really are inside.

Even you have admitted that the work you are doing now is worthless if your wife finds you out. This tracks with the experience of other WS, that doing a lot of pre-work is useless to a marriage going forward from infidelity. Yet you persist.

There is you, then there is the rest of us. Including your wife. You want to be in a marriage with your wife. You also want to make multiple unilateral decisions without any of her input. That is your history. That may be in your self interest. It is not in my self interest, or anyone else's, as a supporter of good marriages.

You must come here for reasons. Perhaps you are looking for honesty and emotional intimacy. Your wife is the one that deserves that. Not me or anyone else here. I am very uncomfortable with having a long term view into you that your wife doesn't. It's not appropriate.

Frankly, should your wife discover your long term affair, I would hope she would go elsewhere than this site. She deserves fresh ears. This place should be a safe space for all, and I don't think it could be for her anymore. That makes me sad.

I could be way off here, but here goes....

Many of the people on this site are still navigating their way through this or they have been successful, and they come here to help others recover.

So if you are still coming here that means you are conflicted on what to do. You need to make a choice at some point and stick with it. You can't live the rest of your life in limbo. It will literally suck the life out of you. Notice I am not telling you what to do. Because no one here can. It's your choice, but you need to make it once and for all. And make peace with it as well. No matter your path their are consequences. There is risk on both sides.

[This message edited by anxietydepressio at 1:36 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)]

It seems like most don't even look at the topic of his posts, it's just straight to the badgering and vitriol.

If you look at my first post in this thread it had nothing to do with confessing. My last post has to do with the "me/selfish/wayward" mindset. Does confessing fall under that? Yes, but so do so many things when it comes to being a wayward and wayward mindsets and justification.

Did he sound like a hypocrite? Only in the title because that is what I think as well when I see (again from experience because I too TT) Wtf is wrong with people when they TT or don't confess. Though because of experience I really know the answer to that Wtf is wrong. Fear.

You also want to make multiple unilateral decisions without any of her input.

Honestly this statement sums up what you yourself spoke up about in the breakroom. So, I guess yes...you do sound like a hypocrite. You are them. You asked and thought what about ..... I think the same things you were thinking about them about you. So, I guess confession really does fall into the OP. At least to me it does.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 4:00 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)]