SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with Hellfire on this one. He deserves to find this out from someone whom he trusts and can answer some of his questions as he starts to digest the shit sandwich he is about to be served.

My heart is very sad for him and how his world, unbeknownst to him, is about to change forever. That said, it is still the right thing to do and I wish someone had the integrity and honesty to tell me 20 years ago.

I have been thinking about this and I agree with most posts. He should here it from someone he trusts. I just know that this is going to really hurt him. He is a medical professional that is very well known in our local community and a great dad to his kids. It's just really sad but i do not want to carry this secret anymore and he needs to know. I plan on stopping by tomorrow and giving him the news. Just thinking if i was in that situation I would hope that someone would come to me and tell me the truth. hearing stories of 20 years and not knowing is awful and I need to do my part and expose the truth. To be honest at this point i'm not really worried if I loose my friendship with the cheating spouse. Can't trust her anyways. I'll post tomorrow and let everyone know how it goes.

Throwing the stone in the pond

You have made the right call.

It's the moral and right thing to do.

So hard, but the right thing.

Having more people go behind his back about this may compound the injury. He is going to feel like the whole world knows but him (which is true in this case). It just feels like more subterfuge when what he needs is transparency. If your friend confesses, she has a chance of staying with him. She is in IC, what does her therapist tell her to do? My H’s last therapist (a male) told him NOT to tell me (I need to write that loser a letter). If the therapist is encouraging her to come clean and you push her a little (e.g., be there when she calls to ask her husband out to lunch for this conversation), maybe it will happen? I think it depends on how good you are a friend with her. Maybe you just let the OBS knows and then let the destruction takes its course.

Luckgirl, you are really doing the right thing.

That said, there's possibility that that they might both turn on you. It happens, so keep in mind that this is one of possible scenarios.

If BH doesn't react with "kill the messenger" attitude, then I suggest that you do following things:

- suggest him not to confront his wife right away and do his own investigation (unless he absolutely trusts what you told/showed him)

- direct him here for support

Luckgirl23432

I endorse the above posters. You are taking the correct action, I know it is difficult, but it will benefit the BH his children and probably the WW also.

Good Luck.

Waiting on Luckygirl to see how he took the news.

Ok and thank you all for the support. Here is the news. I stopped over and talked to him face to face and he could tell right away that something needed to be said. He said "its about my wife isn't it" Without me even saying anything first. I said yes and I have to tell you this because it's the right thing to do. I could tell that he had been hurting for awhile. He said he was suspicious and had heard a few things here and there but never thought that she would do this to him. Well I didn't go into too much detail but I made sure that he knew for sure that she was cheating and had been for awhile. Showed him a few texts. He told me that he had asked her awhile back about some suspicious charges on their accounts and where she was at. I did tell him that now you know and you should take this information and look into other things further before you confront her. He agreed. I did tell him that I wanted to be left anonymous. I said to him the only way you will be able to move forward is to talk to her and try to resolve the issues. It was awful to hear when he said that he loved her more than anything bc and her on the other hand. I encouraged him to be calm and and listen when she gives her side even though its not going to be easy. I said it will take both of you to work through this if things end up working. So I left and he texted me about 30 minutes after our conversation and he said he just check her phone records and saw what he needed to see. He thanked me for having the courage to tell him the news and said that he planned on confronting her when she got home. As i'm writing this i assume that he did bc she has deleted all of her social networking platforms. Honestly it makes me feel better that he knows now and they both at least have the chance at salvaging their marriage.

Damn proud of you!

Very well done Luckgirl23432, many people would fail to do the thing.

Je doff mon chapeau a vous.

BTW if you have the chance, tell the BH to join SI, he will get good advice on how to handle the situation from people that have BTDT.

((())) and prayers.

Feel like a weight's been lifted? Those burdens were not for you to carry, you did the right thing.

Hey Luckygirl, I just wanted to give you a shout out for letting your friend’s husband know. I was one of those poor saps that had unconfirmed suspicions while a vast majority of those around me knew what was going on. No one did ever tell me anything. They still haven’t. I’ve lost a lot of lifelong friendships because of their silence. Years of therapy to work through my trust issues as well.

I doubt anyone would be excited to find out their spouse has been cheating, but there is a sense of relief when you no longer question your reality.

Good on you for stepping up.

Luckgirl,

Well done. You have given him a voice in his life which he didn't even know he didn't have. I truly commend you for your honesty and integrity. I am sure he is grateful you possess both those attributes and had the courage to come and talk with him.

Luckgirl— great job! Such a difficult thing to do but the right thing. So proud of you! I wish someone had told me....

I’m sorry you had to be the one but the poor H deserved to know. He had suspicions but did nothing about it? That is odd.

But let me share something. I have posted about my friend who married a serial cheater. She had no idea. Truly no idea. Everyone knew - his coworkers, his friends, etc. the only one who didn’t know was her family and friends.

There was an OC that was 5 or 6.

Multiple OW.

A current fiancée. Young and dumb girl.

A current OW who blew it up when she was dumped.

My friend lost everything - not because of the A but because no one told her. Not the coworkers who she socialized with that knew. Not his friends who knew. She was victimized b/c everyone allowed this slime bucket to get away with his serial cheating.

The pain and humiliation was the most awful thing to suffer through. The exposure to disease. All of it.

I would rather lose a friend than be a party to an A.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:49 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

Excellent Luckygirl, like someone else said, tell him to join SI, he will need our collective wisdom, tell him we helped you make the decision to tell him and that it is an anonymous forum, let us know if you hear from her, it'd be interesting to see what she has to say, if after a few months you see she starts showing true remorse, tell her go to to the wayward side of SI.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 8:59 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

I still feel some guilt -

decades ago I worked in a large factory and a pretty young thing working nearby and an another male person would always be stopping to chat - for a long time.

much later - found out both took a day off (hourly employees) and she and he spent time at one of her girlfriends apartment - and girlfriend blabbed "the stuffed animals on the bed were not same as I left them - "He was married"

Her husband to be didn't work at the factory and I made no effort to find him and warn what he was getting ready to marry. sadly this scenario happened more than a few times (8000 people in the factory) I am ashamed my morals allowed me to remain silent.

you did good = hold your head high and PROUD!

Decades ago was a very different time.

People were told to MYOB - mind your own business.

I knew about people cheating decades ago and did nothing. I regret it. But at the time that was the norm.

Just like sexual harassment- decades ago women tolerated much more than they do now.

Luckgirl, thanks for doing it. Really. Too often we fall victims to "not my business" mindset.

As a next step (there are no more steps, just your support if they ask for it and you are ready to give) I would suggest that you direct him here. Because if he starts solving "their issues", he might end up in a worse place than he is now. Majority of their issues (like 99%) is on her to fix ("Their marriage didn't cheat, she did"). And the only issue he has to deal with is trying not to choke on the shit sandwich that his WW dealt him.

Thank you again.