SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Go buy the book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From your Affair.” Hand it to her and give her 24 hours to confess or you will. If she doesn’t, do it.

Everyone knows it’s the absolutely right thing to do. Sorry you are in the middle of it, but people are always put into situations that we don’t necessarily want to be a part of. Your integrity depends on how you handle those situations. Be true to yourself, be honorable. You would want BS to tell you if roles were reversed. Do as I say, because I do what I say.

HTD,

Stay on SI a while and listen to your BH. The lies hurt more than the sexual act. The cheater is mentally hurting herself and her husband. The pain is already there. Many WS here suffer from anxiety, depression and other mental illness. You will find company here.

As for telling the BS, it never occurred to me to threaten to tell when my friend was cheating because my loyalty is with my friend. That was before I became a BS myself and understood the mental torture of not knowing. Oh shit, I have some thinking to do! I think I would encourage her to come clean even though she may risk divorce. Right now, I have a male friend who is contemplating cheating and I do prevention calls with him. So far so good, but if he ignores my intervention one day, I don’t know if I would tell his wife. I would probably just press him to tell or get a divorce. This is a hard question!

Hey - why not spread around pain, right?

Actually, by not telling you are not only spreading the pain, but you’re pouring hot sauce on it.

BS will find out. It’s a given. The longer the A is allowed to occur, the more devastation the reveal will cause to the BS. Just read around on this forum, the longer it goes on, the worse it is. And the longer the BS is kept in the dark, whether or not A is over, the worse it is.

Loyalties lie with yourself. You are the one that has to sleep at night with decisions you’ve made. Keeping a secret is deciding to lie by omission.

No, it’s not a hard question. The answer is easy. Doing what’s RIGHT is what’s hard!

I don’t keep friends that cheat. If they wil cheat on their spouse what other area are they being deceptive about?

This person has put you in a very uncomfortable position, so I think the first thing you have to realize is that real friends don't do that. They don't engage in behaviors which force you into such a drastic moral dilemma. Our society currently puts such an inflated value on "friendship", as if it requires us to go above and beyond the comfort of our values. But that's simply not true. Real friends don't put us in that position.

Let's assume for a moment that the betrayed husband finds out. One of the first ten things he's going to learn about infidelity is that anyone who isn't a "friend of the marriage" should be discarded as toxic. So, when her husband finds out and then he finds out that you knew, the chances are pretty high that he won't want you around anymore. Of course, this won't matter if he kicks her to the curb, but at that point, your "friend" has the potential to become uncomfortably reliant on her social network, so you could end up with too much contact.

You are the one here asking for help, not the betrayed husband or the toxic friend, so my advice is for you... let her go and be honest about why. People who are capable of abusing the ones closest to them, the ones who trust them the most, are not trustworthy. Now, that's not to say they can't be reformed, but they have to truly want to be better people. They have to work at it and they have to commit to it.

Until she's willing to do that work, she's toxic to everyone she's close enough to influence. Just look her in the eye, tell her that you really care about her, but that you can't be a party to betrayal and deceit, and that you will be happy to hear from her if she ever makes changes in her life. If she's angry or argues back, please remember that YOU aren't the one who caused this. She has made you complicit in the abuse of another human being and that wasn't fair. She's put you in a situation in which you must react. If you don't, the shame is spread to your conscience. When you spend some time reading here, you'll see very readily that "abuse" is not too strong of a word. This is devastating damage of the most intimate nature. It changes our brain chemistry and reroutes our neural pathways. That's a huge ask on her part... that you'd be complicit in damaging someone.

Cheaters don't just cheat their mates. They cheat their kids, their extended families, their friends, and everyone who is unfortunate enough to be in close proximity. It's sad, yes. But the cheater is the ONLY one who can opt to change. The rest of us are powerless, because it's internal work and we can't do it for them no matter how much we might want to.

This isn't you choosing to be unsupportive, it's you choosing to protect yourself from a toxic person, and she'll continue to be toxic until she's truly ready to change her life. You don't get to decide when/if that will be.

I'm sorry. Losing a friend sucks. Losing your integrity sucks more though.

Tell. Deceit is deceit. Just wrong.

I wish someone had told me about my WH's first A and I didn't randomly find out about his multiple As after A #4 some 20 years later. His friends knew about A #1 and covered for him, one (who considers himself a good Christian) actually called me directly to talk about it and lied, saying nothing happened. I believed him. I wish I didn't. Knowing would have allowed me to decide whether I wanted to be married to such an individual, have more children with a liar and a cheater and perhaps lead him to remorse much sooner without the health consequences I have since endured as a result of his cheating. Those years, my right to choose what was best for me was taken from me everyday and I had no idea.

The BS deserves to know. Their life is being put at risk each and every time their WS decides to cheat.

I understand that the WS will need support to deal with the fall out of THEIR choices, but sorry, mental health concerns or not, they are where they are because of their lies, deceit and betrayal. Many people with depression and anxiety do not cheat. What they will receive is of their own creation for their selfish choices.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 9:33 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

just tell him. Plain and simple. And rid yourself of this immoral person in your life

Losing your integrity sucks more though.

Exactly.

So an update on this matter. I have been talking to her about where she wants to go with her life. she is lost right now with depression and her marriage. I focused most of the conversation on her making a clear decision on what to do about her marriage and her affair. Logic behind this is she is depressed about what she has been doing behind her husbands back for a long time. Guilt, shame and so on. A few months ago things were so bad for her that she quit her job and she is had a professional career. I made a choice about my relationship with her telling her that I would not support or cover up her behavior if I was asked by her husband. I made it very clear that this was a big burden on my shoulders that I wished to no longer carry around with me. She agreed with me that she needed to make some decisions and find out the clear direction where she was going. I said to her that in order for her to move forward in her life this matter needs to be addressed with the parties involved. Right now she is almost prepared to tell her husband but still has her weak moments. She is terrified that this is going to impact her kids lives. I said to her it already has and now you have to limit the damage before things spiral out of control. Its still not clear if she wants to work through her marriage at this point. I did some reading and informed her that she would have a better understanding when the matter is brought up and both parties deal with the problem. I want to thank everyone for their advice and I would like to hear what you think. Thank you

If a friend will cheat on their spouse, then they would cheat with your spouse.

Force her hand, she's had plenty of time to do it, honestly I don't think she will unless she's caught, just do the right thing and tell OBS, tell your friend if she doesn't confess by friday, you will out her, then let the chips fall where they may.

She just gave you the answer. She doesn't give a shit about her husband. Just the impact on her and the kids. She is afraid of consequences instead of living a good a life. Of which I might point out it is eating her alive as it would for anyone that lies and keeps it covered. So, are you being a good friend by helping her to live a life of lies that are clearly making her unhappy and unhealthy? Two choices there for her. Continue to lie and be unhappy and sick. Tell the truth and have a joyful life. A person doesn't have to be married to be happy. Children grow up in broken homes all the time. It is the abusive deceitful ones that probably make the biggest impact on a childs life. She wasn't worried about her kids when she was cheating. Selfish people are worried about one thing and one thing only...themselves and how the consequences impact them. Remorseful people worry about other people. She can't be remorseful and deceitful at the same time. Not possible.

I'm also a WS with massive health issues which impact my mental health including massive depression and anxiety.

Well done overcoming your challenges in order to have an affair.

Yeah this is not a good spot to be in. I am a firm believer that if you are withholding information from someone and it's the truth you should find someway to let them know(husband). The husband is a great father to his kids and deserves to know. That just my opinion. Posting on this forum made me step back from this situation and realize that our friendship really started going downhill since she told me her secret about a year back. Thought i was being a good friend by keeping it safe but not the case. My commitment to this forum and to everyone that is responding to this is I will make sure the husband gets the news one way or another. Any advice on how to deliver the message to him bc i'm pretty sure at this point she will not do it.

If the OM is married, an anonymous note to his wife with the BH number would be my best avenue. Maybe a hint that she needs to notify the other woman's husband. It would leave you out of the discovery part of it, allowing you to step in and give some guidance after the shit hits the fan.

[This message edited by twisted at 5:13 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

Have someone he doesn't know call him, (that way he doesn't recognize your voice) and tell him everything with details, do the same with OBS, if you can't find out where he works, find him thorugh social media and make a fake profile and send him a text with all the details, when confronted with all that your friend will probably cave admit it.

I would tell him directly and ask him to not reveal the source if he wants to make sure you keep giving him information, like if she takes the A underground but I understand if you want to stay out of it once you let him know. Anyway let us know what happened after you expose the A.

Luckgirl23432 - You’re doing the right thing. I feel relieved for you. Lots of hugs, it’s an extremely tough situation and again, sorry someone put you there.

I typically go for not hiding and just be upfront in most situations. But I understand where saying it anonymously has its benefits here. Both of the above ideas seem solid.

Keep us posted and praying for the wife and her BS.

ETA: Sorry, missed buster’s 1st paragraph, I was suggesting going with twisted’s idea or buster’s last idea.

[This message edited by onthefence123 at 5:54 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

I have a friend that is willing to break the news to the BH. He will send the BH the text messages and then block his number. The texts clearly state that she is being unfaithful. That should be a good start. I did want to ask bc i know the BH already be in a mild state of denial at this point. Will the BH takes the texts seriously? bc i do have texts that have some very intimate details about what she was doing in her affairs through texts.

I'm sorry, but that's a terrible solution. You've already said he's suspicious. Having a friend message him, anonymously,with a text that says his wife is cheating,and then blocking him from asking for proof is cruel. He will ask his wife, she will lie.

You are his friend as well. You should tell him. Offer a copy of the texts you have. That's the right way to do this. It will be hard. Doing the right thing usually is. And you may lose her as a friend. But she's not been a good friend to you.

You tell him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:46 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]