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Newest Member: HeartbrokenQueen

Just Found Out :
I think my wife is cheating!

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layla1234 ( member #68851) posted at 11:56 PM on Tuesday, January 1st, 2019

Have you tried asking to come work out with her? That reaction should tell you a lot as well. Good luck!

Married: 5-15-11
3 kids: ages 6, 3, and baby born in Sept.
D-day of EA with married COW:7-18-18

So much missing info from my story. I'm too exhausted to add it all. Divorce process started.

posts: 856   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2018
id 8307369
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BrooklynGuy ( new member #69135) posted at 12:20 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Might want to wait a day or two for your emotions to calm down before having a talk. She is hungover and you are rightfully angry. Best to not be furious when confronting.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2018
id 8307377
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:04 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Why did the guy behind the bar tell you to f@ck off?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 13195   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8307423
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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 2:11 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Ummmm... look, I’m no Hulk Hogan or Bruce Lee, but if a man in front of my wife told me to fuck off as he was trying to flirt with her, I’d break his jaw. He was aggressive with a pack of his friends with you and he deserved a smack to the head. Why did you allow him to belittle you in front of your wife?

[This message edited by Mene at 8:12 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 874   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8307424
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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 2:15 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

I’m not advocating violence but this frustrates me how pathetic some losers are when with their friends belittling people at will. He was being disrespectful. You should have told him you were her husband. And if came at you, you have every right to strike and defend yourself. You showed weakness in front of your wife. She saw this man belittle you. Stand up for yourself.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 874   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8307425
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 2:24 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Why did the guy behind the bar tell you to f@ck off?

-----------------------------

I asked that question too. Very odd.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8307429
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oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 2:26 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

No reason for her to go to a friends house after work and sleep there.

Smells bad.

No reason for you to walk out of the bar when that

drunk got nasty. Best thing to of done was to give

your WW a big kiss have her buy you a drink then you

stay there till the bar closed and brought your WW

home. All the while ignoring that piece of trailer

park trash.

Avoid confrontation while showing the POS whose

woman WW is.

posts: 1420   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8307430
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 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 2:28 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Why did the guy behind the bar tell you to f@ck off?

It wasn't the other bartender, but the patron. He was drunk, probably mad that my wife took her attention off him and on to me. My wife said after I left, he left the bar to play VLTs.

When she got out of the shower, she did come up to me and apologized for last night, and admitted she was acting like a jerk and should have invited me along, but just assumed I went to sleep or was playing video games. I did say, you think? I asked her how she would have felt if I was acting like a single guy, flirting with other women. She said she wouldn't like it, but then she said she never pegged me for being the jealous type.

I told her I wasn't jealous; just that married women shouldn't be acting like they are single. Then I asked her if those extra tips were worth treating, me her husband like shit.

She sighed and said that she doesn't even like her job at the bar. She says she gets hit on, the owner is an asshole, and she is only doing it because we needed the money and didn't want us struggling for money.

Back up a bit, to fill in the blanks. We have been living in our condo for four years now. When we first moved in, I was working as a trucker making twelve thousand more than I am now, and she was working as a waitress, so we did move into a more expensive condo. Then I injured my back and took some time off work. We had to get a roommate, and she took on a part-time job working at the bar. She was working 60 hours a week, while I recovered. That ended my career as trucking. After six weeks, I found this job as a supervisor, and it paid a lot less. At around this time, she picked up more hours at the bar, and quit her waitressing job, because she was making the same working 20 hours at the bar, as she was working full time as a waitress.

Anyway, I told her I wasn't going to let her disrespect me, and if she didn't want to be married, and wanted to live the single life, then I'd let her go. She was confused and said she never realized I even felt that way. So I talked about how I was feeling.

She told me that she loved me and loved being married to me. That she just found me being home all the time a huge adjustment. She admitted after a few months of me being back, and she got used to being around me every day that the excitement started to waver. SHe said that when I worked on the road, she looked forward to seeing me, and when I was home for a week, she would get excited and would feel butterflies.

So she pretty much told me that next time I have a problem, to tell her because she couldn't reassure me or change anything if I didn't tell her. I wanted to keep talking to her, but she had to go to work. She works from 8pm to 2am.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 8:57 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
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posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8307431
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 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 2:31 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

No reason for her to go to a friends house after work and sleep there.

She didn't sleep there. She was only there about three hours drinking before she called me to come to pick her up because she was drunk.

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
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posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8307434
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:37 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Maybe she could stop drinking for a bit and you two have more together time. Focus on what you have together.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2565   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8307437
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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 2:37 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Can I give you some advice from me, who is a little bit older than you. Never, ever, let someone drunk or not, disrespect you in front of your wife. He was flirting with her. She should have jumped to your defence when he told you to “fuck off”. You should have responded to that asshole. She will view your passive response as a weakness. And is it worth it for you to be treated like shit in front of her so she can make a few extra dollars? Is it?

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 874   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8307438
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 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 2:41 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Maybe she could stop drinking for a bit and you two have more together time. Focus on what you have together.

I'm going to tell her to quit at the bar, which she shouldn't have no problem with if she doesn't like the job, according to her. In the meantime, I'm also going to go to that bar, sit down and have a drink. If that "regular" shows up, then he'll just have to deal with it.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 8:42 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
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posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8307441
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:14 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Her actions don't match up to her excuses.

Seems off to me

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8307459
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 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 3:22 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Her actions don't match up to her excuses.

Seems off to me

I feel the same way. So that is why I'm on my way there. I had a shower, changed and going to go visit her. She said the guy who told me to fuck off, is there almost every day she works. I shouldn't have left and should have handled it differently. But right now, I'm going to go there, have a beer, and maybe watch whatever is on television there.

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
\

posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8307463
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BrooklynGuy ( new member #69135) posted at 3:47 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Did big mouth drunk know she was married or that you were her husband? Since she has stated he is a regular then he would know she is married. Regulars pick up on that stuff, especially the status of pretty 26 year old barkeeps.

If he had no idea she was married then she was hiding her marital status I would guess. If he knew she was married but not who you were then he was acting like a drunk minding other people's business. Saw you as an irate ahole bothering the bartender perhaps. If he knew you were her husband and did not care then obviously you need to talk to him. But continue to talk to your wife first.

I think it is good that she was forthright in admitting she acted like a jerk and took ownership. Also, the fact she keeps her phone unlocked is a really good sign. Tell her you want to spend more activity time with her, that with both of you working you want to spend more together time outside of the regular routines of married life. Think hobbies together.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2018
id 8307469
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:38 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

She didn't see me at first, but she is laughing, flirting with a bunch of drunks. I noticed she isn't wearing her wedding ring. She sees me and frowns. A man at the bar looks at me and tells me to 'fuck off.' She says nothing. I turn around to leave because I'm growing upset. She talks to another guy to take over the bar and follows me outside.

Sorry man. She may not be cheating but these aren't the actions of a wife.

She asks me what I'm doing here and what my problem was. I just simply said, I guess stopping and surprising your wife is wrong now. She said that it just caught her off guard. I just said I was bored, missed her and wanted to stop in before I went to sleep for the night, but I guess she was too busy pretending to be single to care.

She is the one with a problem not you. Very shitty attitude

She told me they were regulars and they always tipped well. Then I mentioned why she wasn't wearing her wedding band. She said that men tip better if they think you are not married. I said fine whatever went home and fell asleep.

Tips mean more than her marriage?

She called me at 6 am, drunk and asked if I would come to pick her up from her co-worker's house (female, that much I can confirm). I was mad. She said I was in a bad mood and was invited to aher house for a few drinks with a group of people that worked that night, so she accepted.

Same attitude. Out with coworkers mean more than home/marriage?

What do you do when you're together? She mentioned video games. Too much of that on your part can create distance.

You have some thinking and maybe some work on yourself to do. Marriage/women need attention.

Her actions aren't good. Better start communicating

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8307484
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:58 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Hi Joe

Hopefully you can relax there and not get into it with any patrons while she does her job and she can show you that she appreciates you caring enough to come and spend time with her.

Regardless of how it goes tonight, I want to recommend something.

In a way she’s right. If you’re gonna have a marriage, you might as well talk. If she’s the person you love most in the world, why not talk to her about your hopes and dreams for yourselves as a couple the next 40-50 years.

And be honest about what you want from your marriage and what you want to be for her.

I’d start with the basics. Tell her how you feel about her. If you can’t tell her that you love her and are in love with her, then that’s a problem right from the start. I don’t think that’s the case but I thought I’d mention it.

Then Ask her if she feels the same way about you and ask her to be honest. No guarantee she will but what the hell, ask her how she truly feels and what she really wants.

Then Ask her if she’s in love or in lust with someone else. Tell her you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s pining to be with another. Tell her it would break your heart if she were, but you’d rather know than live a lie.

If she wants you and only you then tell her you each need to work on boundaries. As other may have suggested, talk about reading the book “not just friends” together. It’s all about making each other safe in the relationship so you can each feel confident in living a life together.

Finally talk about a strategy for work where perhaps you can work the same hours so that you are not struggling to find time for each other. Also, a wise person I know says “nothing good happens after midnight”. Tell her you want each of you to have rewarding work, but it has to be something g where you can share dinner together most nights.

Marriage is supposed to be about sharing a life together. It doesn’t have to be 24/7 but it should at least be 10-12 hours together each day (including sleeping together at the same time).

I am not saying to stop being vigilant with transparency with her.

But if you can’t talk about it, then it’s probably not going to work out. And if she doesn’t want to spend time with you, then why does she want to be in a marriage with you, and vice versa.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:01 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3694   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8307489
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 5:05 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

FWIW I have known plenty of waitresses and bartenders in my younger days.

The wedding ring does seem to be a tool used by attractive waitresses.

Some married ones like your wife take it off to encourage tips and let the guys think they have a chance at a date if they tip enough.

OTOH I had a good friend who although single, wore a ring and when the guys got too flirty she'd waggle her ring finger and say something like "it ain't gonna happen no matter how much you tip"

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:06 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1273   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8307493
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 6:05 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

Gamerjoe, tell her she needs to tell you everyone was at her friend's house after the bar. Insist she tell you right when you ask. She'll either:

1) Tell the truth and you're good

2) Tell the truth but leave something out or alter the truth, like the nature of the dynamic and relationships she has with someone there

3) Lie about who was there

This gives you the basis to start figuring out what is what. If she lies, chances are she'll fuck up the story somehow giving you the basis of the information you need to find out.

Her reactions/words to your concerns are okay, but her actions are highly suspicious.

Like I said, if she isn't cheating this is precursor to cheating behavior.

posts: 960   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8307503
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 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 6:41 AM on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

I just got home. As I expected drunk guy from yesterday was there, and he noticed me and tried to get mouthy. I told him to back off, and to stay away from my wife. He grumbled something then walked away. My wife this time approached me and hugged me. I ordered a beer, and she paid for it out of her tips she had made so far in the night. I did talk to her for a bit as the bar wasn't too busy. She introduced me to a few of her co-workers, (mostly women) I haven't met yet. The female co-worker who's house she went too, last night I met this morning when I picked her up. The male bartender from last night was friendly, told me my wife talked about me often. After the one beer, I stayed for a bit, then I headed out. My wife did give me a hug, told me she loved me and we parted. I'm tired, have to be up for work tomorrow. She's off in two hours. My wife doesn't work tomorrow, so I plan on sitting down with her and talking.

Edit to add: She was wearing her wedding ring this time when I went there. So that does make me feel a little bit better.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 12:46 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
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posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8307509
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